I'm back - another OW story.

[MsMree]

My story – the short version. I met MM at work (what a surprise!) and thought nothing of him – just the new boss of his dept. However, unbeknownst to me (at the time), he believes he fell in love w/me at first sight. I do remember he was somewhat “in my space” – I thought, “How cute; he’s flirting w/me”.

 

And that was the extent of it – for quite some time. Everyone could tell he had a crush on me but I just didn’t care. UNTIL… I had just ended another relationship – not a serious one – and that was the point. This was just another short-lived relationship out of a string – I do not have luck dating men that I am at all interested in. I think most single men are really lacking in many qualities that women find are a necessity.

 

At that point the attention I wanted from a caring man was there for the taking – and I took.

 

It started innocently but didn’t last at that stage for long. As I said, he believed it was love at first sight for him. My MM is a scientist – he doesn’t believe in such nonsense and has never, ever cheated on his W. In fact, his wasn’t unhappily married. The intense flirtation then infatuation lasted from the end of April 2004 until July 2004 – that is when we consummated the relationship.

 

Of course, it was incredible (damn it!!) – probably the best ever – size, rhythm, comfort, intimacy – it was all there! We were able to spend about three weeks together because his W and children went to TX (where they are from) for vacation.

 

We had every intention of saying goodbye when they returned – an emotional goodbye at that. But the day they returned to NJ I recv’d. a phone call from asking to meet w/him. I did. He had his bags packed and was heading to a hotel – he told his W everything – he was in love w/another woman, etc.

 

That only lasted a few days. A few days of sheer hell for me – I was ecstatic! I finally got honest w/my family about my mystery man (after all, I now had nothing to be ashamed of!) But behind the ecstasy was serious doubt. I doubted he could go through w/this – after all, it was only 3 weeks that we spent together – compare this to a relationship w/someone you had known your entire life – well, you get the picture. Being in love is a drug – and he and I were addicted.

 

It ended for us – for about a week. I entered into the bizarre trap of OW – lunchtime rendezvous, nighttime calls, weekend(s) “hope-for-a-call”, etc. There was another attempt on his part to leave – in October. This time he told his children he was in love w/another woman. Of course, they completely fell apart – they were 10 and 12. And there went that attempt. Then started our roller-coaster of ending/reconciling/grief/elation.

 

In December he was in TX for three weeks for the holidays, however, his family was not returning w/him. They had decided it was best for the children to stay in TX since that it where they were from – he said I had nothing to do w/the decision – it was simply what was best for his kids. I’m assuming that his W must have believed that he and I were no longer involved.

 

Once he returned we were able to spend every weekend together – it was bliss – but we always had to be at his house because of the unending calls his W would make – they always lasted a ½ hr. His “I have to call the kids to say goodnight” was really, “I have to check-in and pretend I’m a faithful-in love w/my W-husband”.

 

This June, I had it!! We broke-up and had NC for about a week (we never lasted this long). His W asked him if he was still in love w/me and he told her yes. She supposedly went to an attorney and told him if he did not come home they were gett’g a divorce. He was already scheduled to go to TX for July 4th holiday. He actually returned on the fourth and we spent it together – that was a heated evening! I finally told him my patience was up – if he wanted to be with me there would be no more pretending to be a dutiful husband, umpteen phone calls daily, etc. If I was going to be patient (God only knows why!!) that those changes were a must. During this time he sold his home and got an apt. just 2 miles from me. Well, he did not get a “land-line” phone and left his cell at home all the time – so I believed there were changes indeed.

 

Ahhhhhhh. A real and normal relationship w/the man I loved. HAHAHAHAHA!!! His grandmother got ill and was believed to be on her last legs (she’s 101 btw) so he went to TX for his last goodbyes – while he was there, his W who has previously struggled w/cervical cancer started having problems again – to make a long story short: she is having a complete hysterectomy (this week) and will be recuperating for a total of ten weeks (including hospital stay, etc.).

 

So… MM is there taking care of her and children – I told him I will not be here when he returns – we said our goodbyes – he was emotional and I was not.

 

It is clear to me that he will not get a divorce – no matter how much he loves me – I made him tell me to my face – and he stated that he is “tethered to his children by marriage”.

 

I so desperately want to move on!! Well, I really want a relationship w/him – but it aint happen’n!! I feel so lost right now – I mean, we spent every day together – this was not a typical MM/OW relationship as we had our own circle of friends, went out together socially, he knew my family, was included in family events and is very good friends w/my brother – I’m grieving someone being gone who is a daily part of my life.

 

And in all our time together I can honestly say that I remained in the “in-love” stage – it only grew, not faded, with time together. He wrote me love emails every morning as well as beautiful voicemails throughout the day – he writes me love letters, writes mess’gs all over my mirrors (and he did the morning before he left – knowing I told him it was over) – I MISS THAT. I miss him/us – I’m really hurting and I have disbelief that it is really over – (note: I went to his apt. yesterday to drop off some of his clothes – all of my pictures, cards, toothbrush were put away – somewhere out of sight – THAT CAN SAY MANY THINGS – some too painful to admit!)

That’s why I’m returning to this site. This site is truly helpful and has helped me in the past – p*ssed me off a few times, too. (HA!)

 

In ending, sooooo sorry this is so long – I really needed to vent this and I’ve seen others do this on LS and I knew they probably felt some relief just gett’g it out – I feel that way as well. So thanks all for listening – your comments, etc. are welcome 

[Ladyjane14]

And in all our time together I can honestly say that I remained in the “in-love” stage – it only grew, not faded, with time together.

 

It's not terribly unusual for the "in love" feelings to be prolonged in an affair relationship. On some levels, the relationship is still exciting....even after inordinate lengths of time. It's providing drama if nothing else. Until there is resolution of the marriage, the affair relationship is still illegitimate and illicit......exciting.

 

Your relationship has never been tested by time and boredom.

 

Here's a thread for you. I don't know if the OP is still reading, but I hope he won't be offended by me posting you this link. It's a cautionary tale that I think is beneficial for some of you ladies to hear.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70380/

 

I'm sorry for your pain. Really. But there's no point in applying ant more pressure. Sometimes it blows back up in your face when you do.

[lynnered]

welcome back MsMree:love: !!

sorry for the circumstances that bring U back ,

U are strong enough to do this ,

im in the disbeleif stage myself read my post MM left wife,

its painful but we can do this ,

U are a beautiful person who can handle this ,

in time U will feel better just keep up NC,

keep busy ,

i forgot how long U have been with MM?

well keep posting

[newbby]

Hello Msmree, it is both good and bad to see you again.

Sorry you are still going through this.

I guess all you can do is make a choice, either:

1) Accept that he will never leave his family or divorce and move on with your life, cutting all contact (as much as possible, if you work together), and try and find a single guy or just be alone and fill your life with other things

2)Accept that he will never leave his family or divorce and be his mistress, after all you do get alot more time etc from him than most OW

3)Be tactical in trying to get him to leave by doing NC for long enough that he has to make a choice, either have you and leave or stay and not have you. After all he has only an idea of life without you, not the reality of life without you, also he probably is pretty confident that you will hang around anyway. Just remember that this will not be a quick or easy process and you may not get the results you want, it is up to you to decide whether you want to take that risk. You have never done NC for more than a week, right? I would say he will be quite confident that you will hang around anyway.

 

Take care

[MsMree]

Lynn, i am so sorry for what you are going through - i was reading your posts when i decided to start back on this site. To answer your question, Lynn, we have been involved for 15 or 16 mos.

 

And Newby, you are soooo right - let him see what it is like w/o me - but my timing?? When his W is sick?? Even if he is miserable from miss'g me there is no way anyone would be able to say "sorry you're ill but i'm in love w/so and so - you'll just have to stay here (1500 miles away) and take care of our children yourself while you're recuperating". HOWEVER, if i "supported" him through this and he thought i'd be here waiting in 6-10 wks. THEN HE'D THINK HE'D NEVER LOSE ME, right??

 

Besides, w/him being gone i have a golden opportunity to really try to get over him since i'll not have to see him EVERY day.

 

One thing i didn't mention but i need to brace myself for (i think). He will be working from TX on his laptop and running what he can from there - he has never followed NC so i'm trying to run through my head the scenarios so i can sidestep his contact, email, etc. when it comes (and if it comes).

[newbby]

Well, you are aiming to get from the relationship what you want, which is for him to realise he cannot have you in any relationship context, whilst he is still having a relationship with his wife. This does not mean that you have to be cold to him, or punish him for not giving you what you want, but it does mean that you have to change the way you deal with him. Neither does it mean that you are expecting it to happen quickly, i.e in the next 10 weeks. He has to help his wife, whilst she is recuperating and that is fair enough.

If he contacts you then you do not have to cut him off cold, but you do have to make it clear that there is now a line. If he says he misses you etc, you do not have to go down that route of coversation. Just state that you hope he is okay and do not tell him how you are feeling as your relationship, through HIS choice, is now not on that level. I am not sure about this, but I do feel that often NC is a kind of punishment to the OP for not giving you what you want, and this is a kind of pressure in itself, you cannot build a relationship on pressure. If he then punishes you for not being for him what you were before, i.e does nc on you, then let him get on with that. This shows that you are standing firm, yet not punishing him OR pressuring him.

You do not need to indulge him with any kind of relationship talk, as this is what he will miss first, and even if you talk about your relationship in the way that it is now over, you are still talking relationships with him and indulging him. I THINK.

I am just not sure about nc, unless you have decided that you JUST want to get over him and that is that.

Yes you can still use this time to get yourself stronger, especially in the sense that it will be easier to start your new way of dealing with him, whilst you cannot see him in person.

Sometimes I find nc counterproductive in that, it is used as a game plan without actually altering anything in the relationship. So you do nc and all the while are hoping that he will be missing you and coming to some realisations about what life is without you, and then at some point you want to see if he has changed, he pretends to now be offering what you want, you being sure that he is for real as he must have missed you and being weakened by the fact that you also miss him, have not put into practise being different yourself within your relationship, and the whole cycle begins again.

Whereas, if you put into practise just being different in the relationship, first, then you realise that you have the strength to do this, you gain the tools you need to deal with certain types of conversation or manipulation and you do not play games yourself. Being tactical does not mean playing games, and more often that not, nc becomes another game. IN MY OPINION.

What do you think?

[MsMree]

And Newby, you are so very smart !!! (I forgot how much i missed talk'g to you!).

 

But first: I check my voice mail every a.m. while driving to work and there was a mess'g from him - calling me "Babe", wanting me to know that i am constantly on his mind, hopes he didn't wreck my day by call'g, etc.

 

I will not leave a response mess'g, and to your point, Newby, NC can be like game-playing but i also think he really has to get to a point of truly miss'g me. I have to have NC right now because if i don't, i just make it that much easier for him to go on and play "good-hubby" while he is w/W - it will make his life very manageable.

 

I'm just tired of that and i also feel empathy for him as well.

[newbby]

well it is quite right that you do not respond to that, as he is talking emotionally with you. that is crossing a line.

thankyou for the compliment, actually alot of the understanding i have come to is due to some excellent advice from somebody for my own situation. some things are things i am still struggling to work out, but for me nc HAS always ended up some sort of power game, whether i began it that way or not. it has usually ended up a repeat pattern, although has enabled me to make small adjustments along the way and gain some strength.

i think importantly nc does allow you to gain some objectivity in the situation, but what is most important is establishing a new direction to the relationship, and not putting up with what you no longer want. show him that you are strong but not cold or demanding. you are doing well. keep posting.

it is great to talk to you again, too.

[lynnered]

MsMree,

how are things going ?

hope all is well