Ariesgirly Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) Hey Everyone! I'm back! I've now been dating this guy for 2 months (back story in case you didn't see my previous posts) started out a bit rocky with little communication (something I was not used to) which I took as disinterest, then had an episode where I felt hurt because of not acknowledging a few calls or texts (even when he had asked me to call him). He is very lazy with his phone. I ended up talking to him about that and so far he's been very receptive to my needs and has since put in the effort to give more communication i.e. texting me a little during the day and talking before we go to bed when we are away. For reference I am a 32/F and he is 30/M and we see each other Thursday-Sunday with the weekends being one long sleepover since about a month in. The last week or so he has been extra lovey. He's started telling me he sees a future with me and that before me every girl he dated just "in the moment". And then last night on the phone he told me that he's only told 2 women he loved them before because he takes love very seriously and has always known exactly what he wants and that its me. He mentioned that he could see himself loving me because of how much he likes me. He's also started making little comments like "everything about you feels good" and "I like everything about you" and has even said that even though I have high maintenance moments its worth it to him. There has also been a few casual mentions of he is glad I believe in marriage because that's what he wants and how his last name "fits" with my name....things other men I have dated before have never talked about. We have had a few bumps in the road ( I started looking for and seeing his flaws almost immediately) and have been able to talk about them openly and honestly and it hasn't affected us. I guess my question is here, from a mans perspective, do guys know pretty quickly if they can see themselves serious with someone? to be honest, if you take away all of the insecurity issues I have had from the beginning this has been the smoothest most natural relationship I have been in but sometimes I worry that the honeymoon period is making him not see me for who I really am. Edited February 6, 2019 by Ariesgirly
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I worry that the honeymoon period is making him not see me for who I really am.That is another one of those insecurity issues you need to get rid of. As far as the subject line of the message, that quite frankly is not an answerable question. Men are not Dating Robots. Love is a choice, it is not an emotion, or lust, or an infatuation.
mortensorchid Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 That is a very sticky question to ask. It depends on the person and the situations before them. There are some people who absolutely, positively refuse to cooperate, will not budge in their preconceived ideas, have no ambitions, have no wants or needs to do better, have insecurities, etc. The list is endless of things that can and will come into play, but there are a million reasons that it should happen. Both for the right or wrong reasons. But with that being said, in general what should we be looking for? A man who has been in love before at least once, and a man who has been in a long term relationship (as in more than 6-9 months), and who is willing to compromise and plan, even if just for a long weekend.
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 But with that being said, in general what should we be looking for? A man who has been in love before at least once, and a man who has been in a long term relationship (as in more than 6-9 months), and who is willing to compromise and plan, even if just for a long weekend.Who gets to be the woman for the first 6-9 months? By definition, she should not date him until he has been in a previous relationship of 6-9 months. It is like having to have experience to get a job that you can't get the experience until you get the job first. 1
basil67 Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Who gets to be the woman for the first 6-9 months? By definition, she should not date him until he has been in a previous relationship of 6-9 months. It is like having to have experience to get a job that you can't get the experience until you get the job first. I think MO's response is reflecting her age. For a woman who's past 30, a man her age would usually have some relationship history. Lack of such would be a red flag. However, for say a college age woman who's dating a younger man, it would be quite reasonable for him to have less dating experience. 1
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I think MO's response is reflecting her age. For a woman who's past 30, a man her age would usually have some relationship history. Lack of such would be a red flag. However, for say a college age woman who's dating a younger man, it would be quite reasonable for him to have less dating experience.Ok. I can see that perspective of it.
Pearl1988 Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I think MO's response is reflecting her age. For a woman who's past 30, a man her age would usually have some relationship history. Lack of such would be a red flag. I think it depends. If he has been unavailable (working on an oil rig, devoted his life to becoming a priest) or maybe very sick (cancer, needed to recover from a accident) that would be different... but if he is past 30 was available and healthy and never had a relationship I would be at least suspicious. 1
kendahke Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Do you want to be with this guy? You didn't speak much on how you feel about him and if what you feel is on par with what he's feeling.
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I think it depends. If he has been unavailable (working on an oil rig, devoted his life to becoming a priest) or maybe very sick (cancer, needed to recover from a accident) that would be different... but if he is past 30 was available and healthy and never had a relationship I would be at least suspicious.I can see that, and it would certainly be true of my generation,...but today's generation not so much. In my generation we had 3 kids by age 25 and were running our own business. I was an assistant Waste Water Treatment plan Operator by 16yo and running an Autobody Shop by 22yo (after working at 2 previous ones). But today there is a huge amount of people in their early 30's that have never had a relationship worth talking about and approach dating with the maturity of a 16yo. So I don't really disagree that you want someone in their 30's to know what the heck they are doing,...you do,...but it is a pretty small needle in a pretty big haystack. 1
Author Ariesgirly Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 kendahke- To answer your question right now yes I want to be with him and see a future with him but I have been a victim too many times of the men who fall in love with me fast only to leave when they realize I am not the person they idealized. I have been so meticulous and cautious with all movements within this relationship. Before him I was single for about a year and a half and have struggled with trust and the fact that someone would want to be with me long term because I seem to only be good for the "honeymoon" period for the men I date.
SophieG Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 kendahke- To answer your question right now yes I want to be with him and see a future with him but I have been a victim too many times of the men who fall in love with me fast only to leave when they realize I am not the person they idealized. I have been so meticulous and cautious with all movements within this relationship. Before him I was single for about a year and a half and have struggled with trust and the fact that someone would want to be with me long term because I seem to only be good for the "honeymoon" period for the men I date. I think this is a problem! If you can’t be yourself around him because you’re scared of losing him, it won’t last. At one point, you’ll stop being so meticulous and cautious about your actions and he might be surprised to find that he was never with the real you. We get burn in relationships and we learn from them, but being that much on eggshells is not a good sign 2
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I want to be with him and see a future with him but I have been a victim too many times of the men who fall in love with me fast only to leave when they realize I am not the person they idealized. I have been so meticulous and cautious with all movements within this relationship. Before him I was single for about a year and a half and have struggled with trust and the fact that someone would want to be with me long term because I seem to only be good for the "honeymoon" period for the men I date.You just need to pace the situation. It would be great if the guy did that himself and you didn't have to worry about it,...but it is an imperfect world. If the guy won't pace it, then it is up to you. If the guy flakes and runs because you moved to slow for him,...then you just dodged a bullet and treat it as a victory. Probably 80% of posts I make to guys here is basically trying to beat exactly that into their heads. If you watch my posts, you'll see the pushback I get on that.
Author Ariesgirly Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 SophieG- what I meant was being cautious about believing things he says. Everything he tells me or does I look for a hidden meaning or wait for the shoe to drop. I have been nothing but myself since the beginning. He has seen me cry, we've had a few disagreements, I have told him my thoughts on things I don't approve of and so on. I guess I am more just waiting for him to get sick of me like everyone else does before I actually LET myself fall if that makes sense 1
SophieG Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I don't think that's much better. That means you don't trust him, and waiting for the other shoe to drop or being too cautious might make it seem like you have one foot in and one foot out. I'll give you an example; I asked my bf if, things go the way they are, he'd be willing to move in together in July. He told me that we'll see, he doesn't want to get his hopes ups and everything. I get it, he doesn't want to be hurt like he has been in the past, but as some point, you just have to take a leap of faith and see where things go. It works out, amazing... it doesn't, well it's life, and you'll survive. Always second guessing, trying to find hidden messages, being on the fence can be the death of your relationship, which is the outcome you're trying to avoid. 1
edgygirl Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Most men who fell for me said ILY within 1-3m. For me it usually takes longer than 3 months.
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Most men who fell for me said ILY within 1-3m. For me it usually takes longer than 3 months.1-3 minutes? Who the heck are you dating Edgy! What are we going to do with you!
SophieG Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Most men who fell for me said ILY within 1-3m. For me it usually takes longer than 3 months. Wow, that's quick!! I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and we haven't said I love you yet.
Author Ariesgirly Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 SophieG I know you are so right....its what all my friends have told me. I think I am just being more slow moving than I normally would have been in the past when I would jump into something because it felt good in the moment. I do agree with you that you have to let yourself fall at some point. I guess this message was more just searching from a mans perspective if a guy can know things that quick and if I should believe him. The honeymoon stage blinds us from red flags
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Everything he tells me or does I look for a hidden meaning or wait for the shoe to drop.Guys don't tend to have secret meanings unless they are effeminate, but it doesn't sound like he is that. Guys tend to be direct. Worry more about what they do actually say when they actually say it. I guy being silent does not mean the same thing as a woman being silent, A guy being silent generally means there is nothing wrong, and if there was something wrong we would just tell you so. 2
SophieG Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 SophieG I know you are so right....its what all my friends have told me. I think I am just being more slow moving than I normally would have been in the past when I would jump into something because it felt good in the moment. I do agree with you that you have to let yourself fall at some point. I guess this message was more just searching from a mans perspective if a guy can know things that quick and if I should believe him. The honeymoon stage blinds us from red flags I understand what you're saying. Like I said in another comment, I've been with my bf for 7 months, and we haven't exchanged I love you yet, but I do feel loved based on his actions. He has a lot of difficulty with those words, he got super awkward when his sister told him she loved him ahah... so knowing he's not using those words lightly and often, I look as his actions for in indication of how he feels about me. But back to you... You should always look at actions!! We say a lot of things on a daily basis, but we don't always act accordingly. If his words match his behaviours, please don't overthink it or try to find problem where there are none. Look at the facts. I don't think it's something gender related... love takes time to develop, for either a man or a woman. I don't believe in love at first sight (lust, yes).
SophieG Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Guys don't tend to have secret meanings unless they are effeminate, but it doesn't sound like he is that. Guys tend to be direct. Worry more about what they do actually say when they actually say it. I guy being silent does not mean the same thing as a woman being silent, A guy being silent generally means there is nothing wrong, and if there was something wrong we would just tell you so. Yup pretty much. I had a disagreement with my bf this weekend and he told me : « You know me, if I have something to say, I'll say it without sugar coating it, whether you like it or not. If I'm here, it's because I want to be here. Period ». But on the other end, sometimes he gets distant, and when I ask him, he'll tell me that he just feels like **** today and it's best for him to be alone instead of being bad company. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) It takes at least 6 months to really know if someone is worth dating long term. You're making commitment seem all or nothing ... either you dive off the mountain ... or you stand aside. No, dating can be incremental. You share a little ... see how he reacts ... Share a bit more ... see how he reacts and if he shares ... At any point if things don't feel secure, you slow down, pause or stop ... get clarity ... and decide whether to proceed. And the general answer is heck no, guys don't fall this hard this fast for women ... and if they do ... that tendency has no correlation to how well the relationship turns out. BTW: holing up every weekend with him ... for a long weekend ... that's NOT good so early on ... precisely because you two will both be on your best behavior ... yes, this can be ecstatic at the start, but the dream will end ... and then you will need to construct a relationship around reality ... I'm worried that you and he have a we-hole-up-for-long-weekends ship ... as opposed to a relationship ... between two individuals ... interacting over time ... sometimes at high moments, sometimes at low moments ... slowly learning about each other. I've had great fun holing up with people over weekends ... only to see the relationship collapse when we moved into the world more. There has been no correlation between early ability to hole up with someone ... and having a sustained relationship. Edited February 6, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 1
MetallicHue Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I think if not a common theme from all the posts is that it’s different for everyone. I’m sorry you’ve been through so many bad relationships but why not give this a shot. Assuming things are going to go bad is like shooting yourself in the foot. For me I’d say it was in the first couple months I knew for sure so don’t be discouraged.
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