JoL Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 I have been involved with a guy for the last 3-4 months..We have a pretty laid back relationship, as this is something we both wanted to keep easygoing and relaxed. Im not ready to get emotionally attached and caught up with someone right now and he has said the same thing. We get what we want from eachother..we hang out, make eachother laugh, have some great sex and generally enjoy eachothers company a great deal. We talk on the phone every night and see eachother everyday (we work in the same building). Recently ive noticed though, that perhaps the way he feels for me is changing. We have never had a talk about being "exclusive" although neither of us aren't seeing anyone else... I made a joke about getting one of his friends' number and he got a bit upset and said "but you're mine!" in a joking way..but still..He asks me if i met the "man of my dreams" when i go out with my girlfriends, which again, is joking but it seems to have undertones of seriousness.. He cuddles up to me and strokes my face and stares at me when we just lie around and when i ask him what he's doing he doesnt really reply, he just keeps looking at me really intense..he tells me im beautiful for a response sometimes. He sends me SMS msgs to ask me how my day is going over the weekend if we dont see eachother. Whenever we drive somewhere he always holds my hand on puts his hand on my knee or my neck..He is generally quite affectionate (more so than me). He has told me that my opinion and my thoughts about him matter to him a great deal because he thinks im smart and he cares what i think about him....hmmm I dont know. I know we are getting what we want from eachother at this stage...could it be that he is getting caught up in the situation emotionally and wants more?
upsetnhurt Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 I don't know Jol, you think? Based on his actions one would have to be crazy not to realize it........He simply is not approaching you on the topic hoping that it will just happen naturally. This dude is in for a major heartbreak and if you have any care for him you will talk with him now rather than let him continue to fool himself. If I recall, you went through a heartbreak before......so you must be able to identify with him now.
Author JoL Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 Umm i didnt go through a heartbreak, i had a crazy abusive ex though whom i dumped, is that what you meant? The reason im confused by his actions is that most of the time I think he is happy with the way things are, it's only these few instances that have me a bit confused. I dont think he really wants more, i think he just doesnt want anyone else to have me....hmm
Nightlife858 Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Hey Jol Let me chime in here with my .02 For your info and others I teach relationship advice so you know my background. You are giving off relationship signals as well as him. There is nothing wrong with being with somebody but then you do not set off relationship signals. I teach this to students who do not want a relationship but just one night stands or a few female friends they can fool around with but not be serious with. The first thing we teach is after they sleep with somebody....if they do not want a relationship they are not allowed to see that person each day, sleep with this person all the time, have phone calls...and so forth on a constant basic. By doing this it sends a message of friends with benefits..message. Now Jol one of the problems is YOU are both doing this to each other. You are SENDING him mixed signals by spending all this time with him.. yet it's what you say you don't want. Actually it sounds like you are afraid..of something and not really opening up because of your fears. Also because of this not opening up and starting to slowly unconsonsciously pull back just a little bit so that you won't get hurt.. you are pulling him in more. It's a thing known as push/pull. We are driven towards what is a challenge and repelled by things that are easy... The more you pull away from him and the more he will contact you... but at the sametime what he is doing is killing the emotions of attraction by smothering you. First thing is first. What do you truely want? You signals you send say I want a relationship and enjoy this person.... yet you say differently. First and foremost FIGURE THIS OUT and face your fears. Living in fear will mean the fear controls you... yet if you embrace this fear it will just disappear. Next step than is to figure out is this the person you wish to be with...? if not and he is getting attached. Than if you really care about the person and do not want to hurt them. You will break it off immeadiately as your being there every day is hurting him more. And No in the long run he does not want you if you truely do not want to be with him.... Robert Torrey Fidentia
feejane Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Yeah I was in a really similar situation to this a while back, although it was the guy who said he didn't want anything too serious. We saw each other practically everyday for 4 years! It was a really strange situation, maybe not like yours at all. I couldn't really see what was going on for all the highly strung emotions at the time. But this what I understand from it now that it's all over: It was exactly like Nightlife858 said about the push pull scenario. I wanted him more because he kept pushing me away. The mixed messages drove me crazy and made me completely obsessed with trying to understand what was going on with him. The strange thing was - the guy played me like this because he knew it would keep me close. Although he admits that at the time it wasn't a conscious thing, when eventually I chose to end it, he said he did love me all along and on reflection this is why he thinks he did it. I dunno, perhaps you should ask yourself if this is really something you want kept casual, or is it just that you have learnt the effect pulling his strings has on him? Maybe you are enjoying this control over him and the attention you are getting. Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting this is actually the case at all, just that it might be. Sometimes it's hard to admit your real motivations, even to yourself. It's worth searching your soul for anyway. My quick fire solutions to the potential situations are: You really want to keep it casual - practice what you preach, spend less time with him, see other people, tell him straight what is going on. You are playing him because you like the effect it has and nothing more - Ask yourself if you are comfortable with it, then either stay at it or break it off, depending on your answer. You actually really like him, want to be with him, but you are playing him to keep him close - Don't, it will only push him away in the long run, I think by being honest with him at this point, now that he is all reeled in and that, will make him be into you all the more. Just don't let the push pull scenario slip down the other way. Stay in control, stay your own person.
Author JoL Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 Nightlife858, i think you make some really valid points in your reply... Firstly ill tell you why i dont want to get into a relationship...and why he doesnt either.. The short version for me is this- my most recent ex was a controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive basket case. I broke up with him at the end of last year and it still haunts me to a great extent..Im quite scared to invest myself emotionally and trust someone again. Having said that though..the guy im seeing, i do care about him. I guess it's inevitable that i would care about him somewhat, i just dont know how i feel either. The guy im involved with- he fell in love with someone for the first time and she basically didnt return those feelings and the things he wanted from the rship. They broke up early this year... So basically we have both been hurt recently. Now with your push/pull theory- i agree with you. In fact, i think this has been the basis of nearly my entire romantic life. Men seem to view me as some sort of challenge or something. Im not needy, i dont cling, im independent and quite laid back. A lot of men dont "get" how a girl can be like this...this then makes me more attractive and challenging..and their ego is on the line because im not falling all over them. From the age of 17-early 20's....The last 3 boyfriends ive had ..this has been the pattern..them deciding we were "meant for eachother" and how i was "the one" and then i start to slowly back away...and eventually break it off..So you can see why i dont want to go through this again with someone...im sick and tired of failing relationships and hurting people. So when we spoke about what we wanted and decided we were happy to keep it easygoing i was happy with that..but now im wondering are we just kidding ourselves?
confused11345 Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 You stated: "Now with your push/pull theory- i agree with you. In fact, i think this has been the basis of nearly my entire romantic life. Men seem to view me as some sort of challenge or something. Im not needy, i dont cling, im independent and quite laid back." Personally, I think you are probably not being honest with yourself... usually when i have dated women that go out of their way to say they are NOT needy, or clingy, they usually are. Your entire post seems as if this guy is one sidedly staring at you, and saying sweet things, with no reciprocation. Me, and many of my guy friends have dated women exactly like you. Maybe the part you left out, is your pursuit of him?? Men usually dont stare at women, tell them they are beautiful for months,and see them daily, unless they have the cues that it is a safe thing to do. Many women these days seem to have serious love addictions. They meet a man, say sooo many intimate things to reel them in, give them the best sex ever, then in a few months, step back, question what they are doing, get scared, or just completely withdraw. Which leaves the male completely confused, and wanting you more, which in turn makes you want him less. I went through this entire scenario lately, and when asking my buddies, they also have had it happen many times. My suggestion? Dont see a man everyday, sleep with him all the time, allow him to say sweet things, say sweet things to him, if you are just going to "back off". Women nowadays really seem to be strange. They dont want to be "used" for sex, they dont want to be "smothered", yet they want to be "loved", without having to return the love, or give up their "freedom". And lastly, yes, a challenge is nice. But in reality, you are not a "challenge" You are screwing this guys brains out, and then backing off. That is completely different than playing hard to get, or being a challenge from the get go. My ex also considers herself to be a "challenge", but i banged her the first night, and every day for months, until she was "scared". That isnt a challenge, that is an easy, mentally imbalanced woman that brings strife to every mans life that she encounters.
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