TAgate Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Hi, I dated this guy for two years but we broke up in October due to a secret I kept from him (not infidelity or money related). From October through December we were bickering all the time and that period was tense and all around awful for us. We are currently trying to work it out and last month (January) was absolutely fantastic for us. It felt like we were on the road to getting back to "normal". We went out on dates and when my older brother died, he dropped everything to be there for me - whether it was texting/calling me to see if I'm okay or just taking me out for the entire day because he wanted me to take my mind off things. It was seen as a HUGE improvement in my eyes. Last night we hung out and he admitted that we were finally good and beyond past the October incident. We went hot tubbing then decided to drive to get dinner. While driving I felt like he was stressed - he just started a new job and he had mentioned earlier in the day that the team was behind on their monthly goal and I assumed it was related to that. So I asked him about it (he rarely opens up), and finally he told me it was me. I asked him what that meant since the past month has been so good. He elaborated a little more - he said that he still loves me and has feelings for me but that things don't "feel" the same. I asked him to explain what he meant but he really couldn't. He's not good with his feelings so after a couple hours of poking around and asking different questions I finally got stuff out of him. He told me he doesn't want the feelings to be forced (understandable) and that he DOES want and sees a reconciliation in the future. My question is, for those of you who have been in this position, and did eventually get back with your ex, what did you do to help bring things back to normal? I understand it'll take time and I'm okay with that.
Artdeco Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Probably depends on what the issue was that you guys were fighting about. You can only act happy for so long, if the underlying feelings tell you otherwise. Even if he tries, and everything looks good on the outside, like it did in January, things tend to re-emerge if not handled properly. Not sure what exactly happened and how it was processed, so it’s hard to generalize. Especially if he’s not one to open up easily.
Redhead14 Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 Sweetie, if by "normal" you mean that the two of you return to the way things were between you, I'm not so sure that's what you really want. You two broke up when things were they way they were. But, sit back and relax and you be you and let him be whoever he is or is going to be. Observe whether or not there has been a change or, at least, a sincere desire for change and demonstrated effort to change for a while. And, then, when you've seen that change is consistent and long-term, you need to evaluate whether this 'new' person is still the one for you. Because, like it or not, if a person changes one or more things about themselves, other things may change as well . . . It's the whole "be careful what you wish for" thing. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 (edited) What was the secret you kept that caused the break-up in the first place? He's clearly not on the same page as you, and whatever happened a few months ago still isn't sitting well with him. If you want a chance for things to work, I would lean back and let him come to you. It may or may not work, but there isn't much else you can do. EDIT: I just read through your past threads. Unfortunately, the secret you kept about losing your job and pretending that you still worked there changed the way he sees you. He might indeed want to forgive you, you two might be able to work past it someday, but I think the road back to trusting you again is going to be a long onef for him. Edited February 7, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1
smackie9 Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 He's been pretty destroyed at the fact you couldn't trust him enough to inform him you lost your job, and proceeded, for months, to pretend you still worked there. You deceived him pretty harshly. IMO it will be months, years or never because he sees you in a different light now, and what you are capable of.
olivetree Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 It sounds like you broke up and then immediately started trying to work things out. So basically you had no real time apart to reevaluate and miss each other. He never felt what life was like without you. If I remember correctly from your other threads, you've kind of been in limbo / not a real relationship since October. The last 4 months have been him dangling the relationship carrot on a string and punishing you and testing you... not exactly the makings of a positive reconciliation. He sounds like he's just not into this anymore / never got over what happened and resents you. That conversation sounded like breaking up to me. Maybe you need real time apart, or maybe you're just not right for each other.
Author TAgate Posted February 7, 2019 Author Posted February 7, 2019 He sounds like he's just not into this anymore / never got over what happened and resents you. That conversation sounded like breaking up to me. . Honestly that’s what I thought too but I spent the night with him and then yesterday night he texted me like everything was normal again. I’m getting mixed signals over if this is a breakup or not
olivetree Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 Honestly that’s what I thought too but I spent the night with him and then yesterday night he texted me like everything was normal again. I’m getting mixed signals over if this is a breakup or not Does your gut tell you you are putting up with too much hot and cold behaviour? Yes, lying was wrong of you but how much of this can you take?
basil67 Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 Honestly that’s what I thought too but I spent the night with him and then yesterday night he texted me like everything was normal again. I’m getting mixed signals over if this is a breakup or not Mixed signals are a sign that a person is unsure about the direction they wish to take.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 There are no mixed signals. Mixed signals = don't want to be with us. He wants to break up again. He thought things would be different. Things aren't horrible, but he's just not feeling great. You need to feel GREAT in a reconciliation, not just good. (The exception being when married couples struggling to stay together for kids and so on--their reconciliations are rocky.) But ... move on ... He didn't even have the courage to tell you directly what he was feeling. He's got you begging, pleading with him to open up ... he's got you working hard ... and then when he finally responds to your plea, he says basically he's not happy. Again, you do NOT want mixed signals. You want strong overwhelming "yes." You can see where things go ... but I would not work so hard ... btw: did you ever begin work on whatever fear it was that led you to hide your job situation from him. I ask that ... not in connection with the reconciliation ... I ask this for YOUR good. The times when I've wanted to hide things like that ... were huge red flags to myself that something was off about the way I was carrying myself in the world. Usually it meant I was way too invested in appearances ... and failed to understand that a relationship is about getting love and support, not just performance. That was a huge paradigm shift for me ... to be able to tell someone I'm dating exactly what's going on. I'd say your priority for long-term happiness is to work on that issue. And that's not a switch you can flick. That one takes time. The reconciliation might not be helpful for this journey because ... as in right now ... you're super focused on what he thinks of you ... And to answer your general question, no, reconciliations were usually smooth ... sometimes only for a short period ... and then they returned to all the previous issues.
kendahke Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 (edited) what's the rush? Never force a fit, even if it's with an ex. If nothing was done while you two were broken up to address and resolve the issues that broke you two up, then they just waited until you got back together to present themselves again and that's probably why the "gild is now off the lily"... Edited February 8, 2019 by kendahke
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