Cant stop thinking about what happened on date

[Cersei]

That post was too long to read right to the bottom. When I got a third of the way down I realized how long it was and stopped. So to the above poster who gave the Coles/Cleft notes version, thanks!

 

You say you do not want someone with baggage. Umm, people with kids don't see their children as baggage. They are a very important part of their life. Please tell me what you define as baggage.

 

Also, you live at home. Should you not have mentioned that to him? Some would see that as bagagge.

[buttercandy]

The term baggage is used often on Online date sites, my definition of baggage is those with kids already. I told him I was shocked to hear the news but still willing to meet him (I was trying to remain open minded) and since weer were having rapport I didnt want to see this as a missed opportunity if things panned out and we made adjustments,otherwise why did he not unmatch me if it was so important.

 

He did not ask who I lived with maybe he didn't think about it at the time, for all he knew I could have been married and living with a husband (which I am not). I do have another property but I dont live there as I rent it I don't have to tell him this right off the bat, I also have a secure job, inheritance and a lot of money in the bank but I keep that secret from any guy I meet who knows what he could of been after. I dont know his financial situation but he was renting in the capital, I know that his business was only incorporated several months, his stuff was in storage and hes worked over the country. I dont know if he was even truly divorced I just gave him benefit of the doubt. He told me before hand that he was going to tell me about him having a child for and was saving it for a deeper conversation

Edited February 7, 2019 by buttercandy

[edgygirl]

Exactly. But for some reason she won’t.

 

OP This meeting was a big fat nothing. Let it go.

[MaleIntuition]

Can I make a point of asking whats wrong with staying open minded and perhaps taking a slightly different perspective on the situation.

1) Why bother telling me he had a child if he just wanted a hookup

Why is that even relevant? Because you asked what he was doing?

 

2) Why did he not verify my living situation (like some men do) before meeting up, when he said he wanted to spend the night and I told him I lived with my mum and not sure how that was going to happen, he made no suggestion to go back to his place as I had not said either way that I didn't want to sleep with him

Don’t be naive, if a guy ask you about your living situation you should know the reason why.

 

3) he did reach out the afternoon of the next day, and then radio silence, what if he was waiting for me to contact him since he did all the chasing initially

It’s easy to send texts. Girls in her keep using amount of texts as some form of measure of interest when in reality that’s not true. You encouraged him plenty, telling him he was handsome and talking about kissing etc. Your guess could have been correct if we where dealing with someone shy.

 

4) whats so wrong with going with what you find attractive its subjective, I think its a big generalization that all hot looking guys are just after one thing -what if, and he said so himself that he looks after himself and to be honest thats more than i can say to a lot of the other guys in comparison to his age -still had a full head of hair, 6ft, well maintained, eats healthy and does fitness

There is nothing wrong with going after what you find attractive, but attractiveness is really not THAT subjective... if he is as good looking as you say - he will be popular among the ladies. In genereal girls are much more picky on the dating apps than men - in practice that means that a lot of girls are running after the same men. Pretty much.

 

5)He said on the date that he had not met anyone via this app and that he was fussy, his type was dark hair olive skin which is what I am, his type is Middle Eastern women which his ex wife was

Do people really have types? Meh. This app? What about other apps? Do really believe a handsome fit man with good confidence will struggle finding dates?

 

6) what if he was relatively new to this online dating concept as no other guy has requested more photos of me or sent me more photos of him (not what ppl do), I did ask him what made him come on to the app his response was how else are you meant to meet ppl, and to be fair I have not seen him on other sites where usually multiple dating sites.

Why is this relevant?

 

7) What if he is just inexperienced at dating and that his failed marriage has left him with low confidence, possibly the reason he left out of his profile that he had a child as he didn't want ppl to know otherwise they would be scared off

No. That’s not low confidence. That’s player level “I-don’t-give-a-****-attitude”. Stay around and read some threads from men with low confidence; you will see the difference.

 

8)he said he would make the effort if the relationship was right - well since he made the decision and quite annoyingly tell me the night we met that he is going back to his home town

I don’t understand this argument

 

Bottom line is: The shy/low-confidence-guy theory doesn’t work simply because his behaviour was everything but shy.

[Redhead14]

1) Why bother telling me he had a child if he just wanted a hookup

 

Because he wanted to make it appear that he wasn't just looking for a hook up and small talk? Nevertheless, he WAS looking for a hook up.

 

2. Why did he not verify my living situation

 

Because it didn't matter. He would have been OK with it if sex happened in the car. You do know that happens sometimes.

 

3. he did reach out the afternoon of the next day, and then radio silence, what if he was waiting for me to contact him since he did all the chasing initially

 

 

Did you respond to his reach out the next day? Did it require a response. If the guy was actually into you and wanted to explore the possibility of a relatinship with you, which I highly doubt given the circumstances, he would have reached out again at least once whether you initiated something or not.

 

4. it's a big generalization that all hot looking guys are just after one thing

 

That is not the reason we think he was just after one thing. Everything about your meet up with him suggested it.

 

5. He said on the date that he had not met anyone via this app and that he was fussy, his type was dark hair olive skin which is what I am, his type is middle eastern women which his ex wife was

 

So, what? He found a dark hair olive skinned woman to try to have a quickie with. That doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you or anyone. He likes to have sex with women that are his type physically.

 

6. what if he was relatively new to this online dating concept

 

That really has nothing to do with what happened. But, if he's looking for hook ups and quickies, all it is is a conduit to facilitate that end. Maybe he doesn't know how to do dating online, but all he has to do is get a live one on the hook. Why do they do that? Because it works.

 

7. What if he is just inexperienced at dating

 

Oh, well. Let him practice on someone else because if this meet up with you was any indication, he's not only inexperienced, he just plain sucks at it. A grown man who wants to properly date a woman, isn't going to try to have sex in his car with her the first time he meets her or move her hand to touch his pecker!

 

8. he said he would make the effort if the relationship was right - well since he made the decision and quite annoyingly tell me the night we met that he is going back to his home town

 

He might make some effort if the relationship was right -- but this wasn't a relationship and he didn't even put good effort into the first meeting. He was looking for a hook up which is perhaps the reason he went to your town to meet you. He can't do that in his home town -- someone might see him. If he travels on business, he uses the dating app to find women in towns he visits and has his hook ups. He like a sailor, a woman in every port.

 

You can ask all the questions and convince yourself with spin, but the bottom line here is that this guy has not called or texted you again in quite some time. That says it all.

 

 

He didn't get what he wanted from you and went home. He will find someone else to get it from. Just because someone goes out with you once and says things you think mean more, doesn't mean the person is now committed to you.

[Redhead14]

Bottom line is: The shy/low-confidence-guy theory doesn’t work simply because his behaviour was everything but shy.

 

 

This guy wasn't too shy to make out with her in his car and move her hand to his pecker . . .

[Redhead14]

Butter, you asked "what if he was just inexperienced". Even if that were true, it seems to me that your experience is limited at best and/or you have been tolerating and accepting poor quality candidates and your idea for what an actual quality date looks like.

 

Again, just because someone contacts you, asks to meet you, doesn't mean they are committed to continue dating you or are in a relationship with you from that point on.

[buttercandy]

1)

 

2. Why did he not verify my living situation

 

Because it didn't matter. He would have been OK with it if sex happened in the car. You do know that happens sometimes.

 

His car was a mess, it was never gonna happen period

 

3. he did reach out the afternoon of the next day, and then radio silence, what if he was waiting for me to contact him since he did all the chasing initially

 

 

Did you respond to his reach out the next day? Did it require a response. If the guy was actually into you and wanted to explore the possibility of a relationship with you, which I highly doubt given the circumstances, he would have reached out again at least once whether you initiated something or not.

 

I did respond asking how he was, he said was busy at work

 

6. what if he was relatively new to this online dating concept

 

That really has nothing to do with what happened. But, if he's looking for hook ups and quickies, all it is is a conduit to facilitate that end. Maybe he doesn't know how to do dating online, but all he has to do is get a live one on the hook. Why do they do that? Because it works.

 

I think the penny dropped here, I was the live bait, kept on responding

 

Definitely correct here zero effort, only one drink, didn't offer another and made a point that HE purchased the drinks and even before he wasn't sure what to wear before the date

 

He approx 9 kilommeters away from me but made a point on the date he might go back up to the north of the country where he is from, im assuming to be nearer his son

 

He asked at the end of the date if I was 'WET' I think that said it all

[smackie9]

This guy has creep written all over him.

[buttercandy]

I would like to add another point, do you think that things would have been different if

1) I had been in more control of the communication and how we communicated

2) Do you think it was partially my fault for feeding into the red flags, some might say you cant expect a man to be a gentleman if you had been responding favorably into these red flags an example being when he messaged me saying he was still in bed i said 'Cosy' his reponse ' would be much more cosy if i had you to cuddle with', my response ' I would like to cuddle with you too' - Surely this sends a direct signal that I was someone who would be up for more

 

Another example when we met and was looking for a bar to drink in he made a move and french kissed me - I responded favorably

Do you think things would have been different If I had been in more control even though the outcome was he went back to his home town in the north of the country - a decision he possibly made whilst spending time with his son break and never contacted me again

Edited February 8, 2019 by buttercandy

[hippychick3]

No. None of that would have made any difference. At all.

 

Seriously, this is soooo not healthy. This guy has moved on and is probably sleeping (or trying to) with someone else right now. He’s not even thinking about you. You’re coming across like a bunny boiler at this point. I think you need help dealing with these obsessive thoughts.

 

The fact that you wrote basically a novel about just the texting/pre-meeting phase (which means absolutely nothing) says it all.

[buttercandy]

I have asked all the questions I can think of, I can only be glad these forums exist if my story resonates with someone else perhaps they can gain some perspective on it aswell

[d0nnivain]

Can I make a point of asking whats wrong with staying open minded and perhaps taking a slightly different perspective on the situation.

 

Your perspective is one of hope colored by naivety. You want him to be a good guy so that is the lens through which you chose to see him. Your optimism doesn't change who he is

 

 

1) Why bother telling me he had a child if he just wanted a hookup

 

To disarm you or it was just a conversation. He likes his own kid & is open to talking about the charm. Maybe he thought that telling you he was a dad would make you see him as a loving caring person.

 

 

2) Why did he not verify my living situation (like some men do) before meeting up, when he said he wanted to spend the night and I told him I lived with my mum and not sure how that was going to happen, he made no suggestion to go back to his place as I had not said either way that I didn't want to sleep with him

 

Verify your living situation? He's not a detective & you aren't under investigation. He thought you were somebody he'd like to have sex with. He didn't care about anything else. Location didn't matter -- his place, your place, the car, a hotel . . . didn't matter. He also didn't invite you back to his because then he would have to go through the trouble of getting you leave. If he went to you, he could just go home when he was done.

 

3) he did reach out the afternoon of the next day, and then radio silence, what if he was waiting for me to contact him since he did all the chasing initially

 

If a man likes you he will call you. He wasn't waiting for you to call him. He did reach out the next afternoon because he's not totally rude but that doesn't make him a goof BF prospect.

 

4) whats so wrong with going with what you find attractive its subjective, I think its a big generalization that all hot looking guys are just after one thing -what if, and he said so himself that he looks after himself and to be honest thats more than i can say to a lot of the other guys in comparison to his age -still had a full head of hair, 6ft, well maintained, eats healthy and does fitness

 

Not every good looking man is a player. That is true. However, really good looking me often have it easy, they have women throwing themselves at them so they can be players. It's not definitive but it is a factor that you as woman looking for a relationship must consider.

 

When I met my husband I immediately noticed how drop dead gorgeous handsome he was, we're talking movie start handsome. I thought "oh yummy, player". I like players; they give good date but you can't trust them with your heart. Anyway, I had been looking for something light & fun. Instead I met my husband who couldn't be a player if you gave him instructions.

 

Still you can't ignore this as a possible warning sign.

 

5)He said on the date that he had not met anyone via this app and that he was fussy, his type was dark hair olive skin which is what I am, his type is middle eastern women which his ex wife was

 

He was lying. Anybody who tells you he is picky is probably not. If you had been a blue eyed blonde, she would have told you that was his type.

 

6) what if he was relatively new to this online dating concept as no other guy has requested more photos of me or sent me more photos of him (not what ppl do), I did ask him what made him come on to the app his response was how else are you meant to meet ppl, and to be fair I have not seen him on other sites where usually multiple dating sites.

 

He wasn't new to this. He's on multiple sites. He was asking for lots of pictures hoping you would send nudes. People don't ask for lots of photos but creeps do. You missed this

 

7) What if he is just inexperienced at dating and that his failed marriage has left him with low confidence, possibly the reason he left out of his profile that he had a child as he didn't want ppl to know otherwise they would be scared off

 

He's not inexperienced. He was hiding his child. This was all an elaborate ruse designed to lure in naïve trusting girls like you.

 

8)he said he would make the effort if the relationship was right - well since he made the decision and quite annoyingly tell me the night we met that he is going back to his home town

 

Of course he would say that because that is what you wanted to hear. Players give false hope.

 

I know you wanted this to be your fairy tell romance & you bought into the tale he was weaving but that was because you couldn't see the truth.

 

Going forward, when you see anything that looks like what you experienced here, you will know to run.

 

You failing to recognize the red flags got you hurt. If you had called him on the things he said, like being cozy in bed & wishing you were there, he would have stopped talking to you sooner. Perhaps that would have saved you from being groped in his car. You got lucky that you throwing caution to the wind & getting into his car didn't have tragic consequences. You need to think safety first.

Edited February 8, 2019 by d0nnivain

[JuneL]

I actually understand why OP is so obsessed about this brief encounter. She probably hasn’t been on a date with a guy nearly as good looking. Sometimes a charming and attractive guy can get away with a lot.

[buttercandy]

That statement is true in addition his constant messaging every morning started to get me sidetracked and all the focus on him, very clever guy. He said he was smart and sharp and that I didn't know him yet

I have learnt so much from this

[mortensorchid]

Wow that was a long read. But I have this to say about him and the situation : it's what it is. This is like OLD in general - you go out, you meet someone in a bar / restaurant / coffee shop, have an hour or two together, then you part ways, and you never hear a word from them again. It doesn't matter how well you connected or what you shared before or during the time together, he was not interested enough in you and he moved on. Dating is all about getting our egos deflated. Also, you sound very trusting of others which you should not be. Especially in the OLD world.

[buttercandy]

Agreed but difference being I wasn't expecting this to be a hook up but now understand this is what to be expected on location based apps like bumble. It's a game to a lot of guys many have different intentions. I had let my guard down and overlooked a lot of red flags in advance of the date. I stroked his ego a number of times before the meet up and even during it. He pitted me against other women saying he wasn't being big headed but had a lot of interest from nice girls who didnt see him having a kid as an issue but he wasn't into them girls. That made me feel pressured into seeing him more because if I didn't it was not a problem for him as he mentioned.

He told me on the date he had rushed into his first marriage but didnt go into details. I saw him as the good guy by saying a lot of women see a good guy and screw them over. This is before I got back into the car with him after the bar. He wasn't interested anymore because he didn't get what he really wanted that night.

Edited February 9, 2019 by buttercandy

[Redhead14]

Listen, Butter. We shouldn't really demonize the guy either. He wants what he wants and there are women out there who will give it to him. Some women "get it" and some don't. It's not his fault if they don't.

 

The bottom line is that if a woman is dating for the purpose of finding a real relationship, she has to stick to her guns. Don't accept things that don't fit her criteria. Be cognizant and careful about her personal safety and expect and accept nothing less than respectful treatment and quality in a dating scenario. Everything about meeting this guy in person was an indicator that he wasn't a credible/serious dating candidate.

 

I like the saying "live and learn" but I like "learn and live better" even more.

[buttercandy]

I get it now, but I never harrassed him or contacted him after the date and part of knew he wouldn't contact me again that maybe even because he told me on the night of the date that he might be returning to his home town in the north of the country it could have been as simple as that and perhaps that's why he was in a rush to meet me and hook up. 3 months later he changed his number so who knows why maybe he got with a woman he tried the same and she perhaps wasn't gonna let it go, I don't for sure. Maybe he wasn't divorced and his wife found out. Again who knows. Hes come off the site maybe he found someone.

I recently had another guy contact me and it started to get sexual pretty quick. I called him out on it as per advice from a member here and guess what he stopped talking!

[d0nnivain]

Good you have learned from this. You will be better prepared to not get taken advantage of again.

[buttercandy]

On another note have also asked another guy I was talking to as to why they dont mention they have children in their profile as it was said previously in comments 'he chose not to mention he had a child because he was hiding that fact to lure in naive girls' however this other guy says to me they dont mention it as they dont see it as a 'problem' maybe my case was thinking the same in order not to demonise him as per previous thread. I have not been on any dates with single fathers since.

Ppl will put what they want on thier profiles

[preraph]

When guys keep asking for photos, that's a pretty good tipoff they are just looking for sex or sexting. Once they see a dressed full-body photo of you, that should be all they need if they are attracted enough to ask you on a date. Or these days, maybe a facetime to be sure your photo isn't a decade old.

 

He told you about his kids because they are going to be his first scheduling priority, whether he's looking to date or marry or just have sex.

[buttercandy]

This now definitely makes sense. Although my pictures on my profile were recent upto date only 6 months old he made it a point to ask me when they were taken in which I told him, then was still persistent in asking for more I ended up sending him a classy beautiful professionally done which was older in fact. I look young for my age

 

Your point on his scheduling priority regarding his child also makes sense. He did say he was a busy guy and was saving telling me this for a deeper conversation and that he was upfront and that I was lucky he didn't tell me 3 months down the line. (Which made no difference was he had bailed out of the capital city anyway)

Edited February 10, 2019 by buttercandy