Cant stop thinking about what happened on date

[buttercandy]

I matched with a guy on bumble admittedly I was on the fence as his main pictures were selfies however he looked very handsome so I swiped right. He contacted me very quickly after that and said he was a bodyguard for a Royal family.

 

I was hesitant as to believe this but continued. I asked him if he was a player because he looked like one. He advised that everyone says that but he wasn't. He quickly got me off the app and started to message me on watapp. He send me around 4 photos of himself and I responded that he was cute.

 

Initially I wasn't too fussed as I had a things going on. He sent me a link to his business. I looked him up on the site and managed to get his full name. He also told me he was going away to see family for around 10 days. I could see by location he was away on his break. He started requesting more photos of me which I was hesitant about as more online profile had adequate up to date photos.

 

I asked him about his full name and he confirmed that it was and he asked me if I was doing due-diligence on him. He told me that it was easy finding those details and that he was smart and sharp and that I did not know him yet which I found a bit strange. He told me that he could find info on me but chose not too. I messaged back saying he could if he wanted to but there was nothing on me as I was boring. He told me he wasn’t for everyone.

 

I sent him a George Michael song I was listening too (father figure), he responded I must be looking for love. He asked me what I had been doing on the friday night and that if I was at home with my cat, i responded no and that I had been teaching a fitness class in which he was surprised and wanted photos of it, I told him I dont take pics of my class without students permission.

 

I didn't have many more on pics of myself on my phone to send him so I managed to find one and send to him asking if he was happy now. He told me it was gorgeous and that he was happy now. I had requested that he called me as I wanted to hear his voice the following day he did not call.

 

He contacted me again on sunday and I reminded him that he should call, he agreed that he should have so I asked him to call me now he said he couldnt as his father was in the room and that he hadn't seen him and step mum in a year.

 

I requested he get up and go out of the room to call me but he couldn't. He did messaged me again and I asked him to call me, I joked 'dont let wife hear', he messaged back 'lol and that he was single', he did call but the conversation was brief as he was just out of the shower and water from his hair was going into the phone.

 

He continued to carry on the watapps contact nearly everyday whilst he was away. One of the messages said he was in bed, I responded 'cosy', he responded much more cosy if i had you to cuddle with. I responded 'I would like to cuddle with you too'. He messaged wanted to meet me and that he wanted to kiss me it would be rude not to. I asked him if he was a good kisser. He responded that he was so hed been told

 

 

When he returned from his break the watapp messages continued with a hello message every morning which I started to find a little distracting. There was a lot of initial banter back and forth blowing kiss emoji etc, whenever he messaged me I message him back.

 

He sent me a short video of a racoon in park ,it made me wonder what made him send that to me and as why a grown adult would be in a wildlife park. I sent him a video of some monkeys I had videoed on holiday and he asked If I would go back I said yes and he suggested we go.

 

After some more initial flirting and hearts and some very immature video his friends sent him. I suggested meeting up as I didn't want to carry on messaging which he agreed and said he really wanted to meet me.

 

I had a job interview so one potential meeting got cancelled which I advised him of. The same evening of the interview which did not go well he watsappd me quite late around 11pm which I advised him before not to as I don’t do booty calls however he was persistent and sent me a very handsome selfie of himself.

 

I told him he was very handsome, he asked me what made me say that and that he was a 'standard guy' really. I then asked him about rearranging a date and that he could potentially do a Thursday but then told me he had a child from a previous relationship that he wanted to see.

 

I was shocked at him for telling me that as I assumed he was single and baggage free, (my online profile did say that I was not looking for someone with baggage). I told him I knew it was too good to be true, He messaged back that I was being rude.

 

I advised him that I was not being rude that I knew it was too good to be true a handsome man like himself to be single no kids. He messaged me saying that he didn’t want to seem big headed but he had plenty of interest from ‘nice girls’ who diddt mind he had a child but he wasn’t into them and that if I wasn’t interested any more that it was no problem.

 

He then sent me a voice message about guys at his age (38) would have some baggage and it would be weird not to. I heard this message the next day as I had fallen asleep. When he had seen that I had read it he called my phone (via watapp) but I missed the call and I responded I was at work.

 

He messaged me saying he had helped a homeless guy on the street who needed medical attention I send him a heart emoji. I didn't hear from him rest of the day and on the day that we were supposed to meet up I sent him a message asking if he was still ok to meet, he said he couldn’t now as he was going back up to his home town and that he thought I had changed my mind given his 'news'.

 

I stayed open minded and advised nothing had changed and that I still wanted to see him. He sent me a picture of himself and his kid and that his kid was mixed race and important to him. He told me the picture was taken whilst he was away on break seeing his father and step mother.

 

He mentoned that people think they are taking on a kid but they are not really, He told me that his kid had a mum and a dad and that anyone that comes into their lives just needed to be friendly. I responded that I understood his position and that I still wanted to see him.

 

He sent me an older pic of him and his baby in which I responded two handsomes. He told me he had been married 4 years and single 3 years. (During our messages and leading up to the meet up he had changed and swapped his dating profile pics around multiple times, more so than the other guys I had on my list.)

 

 

Again I remained open minded and on the friday evening he messaged me apologizing for the misunderstanding. I responded it was ok and that we should rearrange our date. On the Monday he contacted me saying he hurt his back, I thought now he was making excuses perhaps not to meet, he asked me to walk on it, I agreed and mentioned they do that in India. He mentioned he gets his son to do it.

 

I mentioned I was a message therapist also he was again surprised and made a deal that I massage him, he massage me and that I set the standard. I responded curtly that we hadn’t even met yet. He wanted to meet but was complaining about his back he should put some ointment on it. There was some more banter I told him I was free either Wednesday or Thursday. He did not contact me .

 

On Thursday I requested if we were meeting tonight, he said we could. I sent him a link of place I had found we could go to, he said it was too far out and not exactly near to where we live (he had a habit of talking we and us) and asked me where I exactly lived. He sent me a map of where he was and I found that he wasn’t too far from where I was so we decided to meet in the middle. It was only 20 mins to the location where I lived.

 

 

That evening we met around 8.30 I got into his car and found him immediately attractive, I made some random conversation as we drove around trying to find parking. When we did we went to find a bar to have a few a drinks,.

 

I asked his sons name, his face lit up. I asked if he was married and now divorced , he said he was., I asked why he was divorced, he didn’t want to talk about that on the first date. I left it at that. As we were walking he put his arm around me, I followed suit, he then made an attempt to French kiss, I responded by kissing him back.

 

He mentioned that he might go back up to his home town. We found a bar and he bought a drink for him and me, he put the stool close to his and continued in his attempt to kiss me. He was also putting his hand up and down my legs which was making me uncomfortable and I him not to. I wanted to ask him more questions but it seemed all he wanted to do is kiss.

 

We made some more random convo and I called him a flirt. He asked me what I wanted from him. I responded a relationship, I mentioned that I do not sleep around with guys as it was not what I do , he responded that is was good thing. I asked him what his type was, he was into dark hair and olive skin types, he also showed me picture that he was in the military, he showed me pictures of previous properties he owned (assuming with his wife) and that they were nice houses and he sold them. He showed me another picture of his son.

 

He gestured to me to put more lipstick on. He asked me if I was to go in the ladies bathroom and find that he was not there what would I do. I showed him an amusing picture of a statue with a penis on it. We left the bar and I mentioned the capital city was an expensive place to live and that it was transient people come and go. As we walked back to his car he mentioned that he might get a place with his other friends in the capital as it was good.

 

In the car he started to kiss me. It got intense and he continued to put his hands up and down my leg, the car had become steamy and he put his hand on my breast. We were kissing more intensely and he took my hand towards his d*ck, in which by this point he got turned on and started to unzip his pants. At this point a couple of girls walked past the car and I told him to put it away.

 

He turned the car on and started to drive and said the attraction was there and that i was a good kisser. I asked him where he was taking me, he said back to the station.

 

I asked for a lift home he was reluctant and mentioned that he bought the drinks, he then said he had to get up early the next day and that he had already driven half hour to get here, I asked again and that I didn’t live far, he put my postcode into the satnav but the directions got a bit messed up, he looked very menacing so I calmed it down by telling him to just turn around and go back to the station.

 

He mentioned he was low on fuel. We hadn’t driven far on the way back to the station he said he wanted to spend the night with me. I refused as I said I still lived with my mum and not sure how that was going to happen. We stopped at the station and mentioned he have lovely blue eyes and attempted brush my fingers through his hair in which he re-coiled. I asked him to call me tomorrow in which he blew me a kiss and a wink.

 

As I was getting out of the car I had forgotten my cardigan and reopened the door and shut the door with my hand on the glass window and he retorted in a very rude manner ‘not the window!’. It was around 11.30 I got home and messaged him that I was home safely with a blowing kiss emoji, he send one back.

 

The next day I did not hear from him that morning and wondered why he hadn’t messaged me or called. That afternoon I received a message from him saying ‘hello xx’. I responded asking if he was ok, he said he was and that he was busy at work, I responded it was good to be busy, better than sitting at home watching day time TV, he responded hahahah. I sent him a wink emoji. That was the last I heard of him.

 

I could see via activity on his location on the dating app he had been going back to his home town. A month later I had booked a trip abroad and when I returned I could see he had changed his profile picture to a very new handsome one, I could also see that he was now in his home town.

 

Over the next few months I played it out and did not delete his match. 3 months had passed and at the end of December he had changed his number, watsapped confirmed this. Since I had not heard from him I did not request the new number through watsapp.

 

At the beginning of the new year he changed his online photo again to another very handsome selfie I could imagine. 4 weeks later he deleted his online profile

Edited February 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thanks to member kendahke for the paragraphs

[d0nnivain]

What is there to think about? This guy was a player & a cad. He wanted quick easy sex. How did you not see that?

 

Write him off. In the future, your suspicions should rise when a man you don't know gives you excuses about why he can't voice talk with you or if a man tells you he is in bed when messaging you. Never get in a car with a stranger you only know from the internet.

[buttercandy]

I felt I knew him, the constant messaging for two weeks was building me up to trust him

[Mrs._December]

Oh my gosh - I can't read this. This is two HUGE walls of text broken up almost by one single line.

 

 

Sorry.

[d0nnivain]

I felt I knew him, the constant messaging for two weeks was building me up to trust him

 

No. Disavow this line of thinking entirely. Until you meet there is nothing. No trust. No reliance. You certainly don't know somebody.

 

You have to keep your guard up.

 

Plus all that stuff you described happened over two weeks. OMG. I thought this had been dragging out for months. It was all too much. Read up on live bombing. This wasn't quite that but it was too much too fast. Daily contact before meeting is a sign that people have poor boundaries IMO.

[Redhead14]

Texting = Trust???? You were trusting the "idea" of him -- the vision you had in your head about him -- not him.

 

It's a good idea to try to meet an OLD contact fairly soon after connecting. Just a quick drink or two, maybe coffee, just to confirm that they are who they say they are and look like their pictures at least.

 

Don't build up a dream guy in your head and expect them to be "that guy" when you actually meet them.

 

AND, never, ever, ever get into a car with a strange man! You don't know this guy AT ALL and you got into his car alone!??????. That's a bad practice.

 

Always meet the first time, at least, in a public place, bring your own car and don't get into their car.

 

Any guy you have a first date with who starts getting sexual and as creepy as this guy got, is only out for sex PERIOD. You should have gotten out of his car and gone into a store and called a cab/Uber.

 

And, I don't think you did (your thread was difficult to read) but please don't have sex on a first date unless you have thick skin. I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, especially very early on, that she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless/until he shows her otherwise by maintaining consistent contact and asking her on more dates . . .

 

 

 

This guy was slime.

Edited February 6, 2019 by Redhead14

[buttercandy]

when I arrived at the location he was waiting for me in a short stay car park and messaged me to 'come to him', hes from out of town and working in the capital 6 months, but his location showed him in that part of town the previous night, he said he was handing in his work jacket for dry cleaning, he then said he went home to rest his back. he said he worked late hence could only meet around that time. I agree it was stupid of me to get into his car, from where he lived he could have easily taken the train himself

[smackie9]

Always meet at a public place, never get into their car, and if you like the guy, do a background check. So many women find out the guy is married, engaged, has a GF or has 1000 female followers on social media.

 

And always keep in mind, people DO LIE.

[olivetree]

In all that detail, I did not see him spending much time trying to get to know you - your interests, your life etc.

It was just a lot of meaningless flattery and flirting.

So the signs were there he was just after sex.

 

And his actions showed it on the date.

After his pushiness throughout the date and rudeness at the end of the date, that should have been more than enough to turn you off completely.

Instead you complimented him and wanted to hear from him again.

 

Good for you for not sleeping with him and giving in, but you still deserve more than to give a guy like that - who pushes your boundaries and is clearly after sex when you aren't - another chance.

[lurker74]

Wow. I cannot understand what you see in him. Maybe money and looks? That's how you end up in a crappy relationship. I imagine you are very young. Hopefully you do not have to learn about this the hard way but most likely you will.

[buttercandy]

He was incredibly attractive almost poster boy attractive the ones i always crushed on as a teenager but could never have, and this time I thought I could being older. He was a 'director' of his own business, he looked smart and well dressed in his photos, he turned up in his Mercedes

Edited February 6, 2019 by buttercandy

[d0nnivain]

The trappings don't make the man. Dating a guy for the car he drives will always lead you astray. If you like a particular car so much, save your money & go buy yourself one.

[Artdeco]

What donnivain said, plus - I wouldn’t call it a date. Your description of events reads more like a planned hookup. He also doesn’t sound like a guy you should meet again. Ever.

[Redhead14]

He was incredibly attractive almost poster boy attractive the ones i always crushed on as a teenager but could never have, and this time I thought I could being older. He was a 'director' of his own business, he looked smart and well dressed in his photos, he turned up in his Mercedes

 

 

Beauty is only skin deep -- he's attractive, he's well off AND . . . he's a d'bag . . . bea u tiful.

[stillafool]

He was incredibly attractive almost poster boy attractive the ones i always crushed on as a teenager but could never have, and this time I thought I could being older. He was a 'director' of his own business, he looked smart and well dressed in his photos, he turned up in his Mercedes

 

So what? And?

[d0nnivain]

Oooh, have mercy, child!!!!

 

 

 

Hope this helps. I need the dr;tl version

 

After a series of flirtatious (I'd say inappropriate) messages over a 2 week period the OP met a guy off OLD for a date. There was a lot of kissing. He groped her in his car & unzipped his pants. He suggested sex. She said no. She later messaged him & said she got home safe. The next day when she reached out he said he was busy at work. She replied but never heard from him again. She went on a trip. When she came back she realized he updated his profile & she wondered what happened.

[kendahke]

Originally Posted by buttercandy

He was incredibly attractive

almost poster boy attractive

the ones i could never have

this time I thought I could being older.

He was a 'director' of his own business,

he looked smart

well dressed in his photos

he turned up in his Mercedes

 

You do know that his sounds like you're looking out for what he can potentially do for you

 

What do you bring to the table, other than the promise of sex? Do you own/run your own business? Are you self sufficient, dress well, drive a late model car?

 

I'm not seeing why this exterior packaging means more than who he actually is as a person.

[buttercandy]

And so he was in heavy pursuit of me. If I can add something else I know he was attractive no doubt about it but if he had mentioned on his profile that he had a child I would have swiped him out immediately no questions asked. I didnt think to ask him this important question as I had been distracted by job interviews and his pursuit. He told me at 11pm at night after a bad interview that day. He told me that he was upfront kinda guy and that he was saving that information for a deeper conversation and at least he didn't tell me 3 months down the line. The next day after sleeping on the information I tried to remain open minded even though I made it clear on my profile that I didn't want any baggage. He mentioned his circumstances were uncomplicated and that the child lived with the mother and he was happy with her. I accepted this and still agreed to see him.

[buttercandy]

If I can make it clear he made first contact in the afternoon this time instead of morning the next day. I was taking advice from dating guru evan mark Katz's I terms of mirroring he messages me I message back. Mirror his actions see what be does I never contacted him first. He mentioned on the day he would take me to his hometown I knew this was all talk and it would never happen

[Interstellar]

Oh my gosh - I can't read this. This is two HUGE walls of text broken up almost by one single line.

 

 

Sorry.

 

:lmao:

 

This one.

[edgygirl]

Gosh I can’t believe I managed to read all the OP Side tip: more paragraphs less details next time!

 

Sorry, this guy is slimy and was only in it for a hookup. He wasn’t interested in getting to know you, and I’m not sure why you are still thinking about him.

 

People don’t see their children as “baggage”. If you don’t want to date a dad, state it clearly in your profile.

 

I made it clear on my profile that I didn't want any baggage.

 

How old are you? I was interested in ‘hot guys’ when I was 16-20, but soon enough I understood they don’t make much effort to be a good fun and smart date companion as they think their beauty is enough. Most are also generally pretty vapid. Give me a cute nerdy intellectual over a hot ahole trying to get in my pants on the first date anytime.

 

He was incredibly attractive almost poster boy attractive the ones i always crushed on as a teenager but could never have, and this time I thought I could being older. He was a 'director' of his own business, he looked smart and well dressed in his photos, he turned up in his Mercedes

Edited February 7, 2019 by edgygirl

[preraph]

He just wanted immediate sex, that's all. And my guess is, if he's all that good looking and all, he also already has a steady girlfriend at a minimum. But at least for now, he was only after sex. He didn't even try to impress you by acting like a gentleman and being respectful. If he even is looking for a new woman to share a life with, once you quipped about him having a child, he wrote you off as anything other than a quickie.

 

He's right about most people at 38 are going to have baggage, a kid or an ex at least.

[Redhead14]

And so he was in heavy pursuit of me. If I can add something else I know he was attractive no doubt about it but if he had mentioned on his profile that he had a child I would have swiped him out immediately no questions asked. I didnt think to ask him this important question as I had been distracted by job interviews and his pursuit. He told me at 11pm at night after a bad interview that day. He told me that he was upfront kinda guy and that he was saving that information for a deeper conversation and at least he didn't tell me 3 months down the line. The next day after sleeping on the information I tried to remain open minded even though I made it clear on my profile that I didn't want any baggage. He mentioned his circumstances were uncomplicated and that the child lived with the mother and he was happy with her. I accepted this and still agreed to see him.

 

Butter, why are you still prattling on about this guy? Bottom line is the guy was looking for a quickie in a car, you didn't give it to him and now he's moving on to find a woman who will do what you did and more . . . End of story. It happens sometimes. Lesson: Take it off line fairly soon for a quick meet up to see if there's enough there to want a real date and don't be alone with them the first time you meet them, maybe even the second.

 

"I made it clear on my profile that I didn't want any baggage" -- But, when you found out he had a kid, you still agreed to see him.

 

"He mentioned his circumstances were uncomplicated and that the child lived with the mother and he was happy with her."

 

Of course he said that. He can read I assume -- your profile said no baggage. He has baggage. All he did was "dress it up" for you so it would appear to skirt your boundary at least.

 

Don't be so quick to believe everything you hear or get in texts. Take some time to get to know them in a face to face environment before you decide they can be trusted.

 

"I didn't want any baggage"

 

You set up a profile to weed out certain types and situations, yet you don't enforce them. You're trying to be careful and particular online but when you get to the point where you actually get to meet them, you throw caution to the wind and your boundaries.

[buttercandy]

Can I make a point of asking whats wrong with staying open minded and perhaps taking a slightly different perspective on the situation.

1) Why bother telling me he had a child if he just wanted a hookup

2) Why did he not verify my living situation (like some men do) before meeting up, when he said he wanted to spend the night and I told him I lived with my mum and not sure how that was going to happen, he made no suggestion to go back to his place as I had not said either way that I didn't want to sleep with him

3) he did reach out the afternoon of the next day, and then radio silence, what if he was waiting for me to contact him since he did all the chasing initially

4) whats so wrong with going with what you find attractive its subjective, I think its a big generalization that all hot looking guys are just after one thing -what if, and he said so himself that he looks after himself and to be honest thats more than i can say to a lot of the other guys in comparison to his age -still had a full head of hair, 6ft, well maintained, eats healthy and does fitness

5)He said on the date that he had not met anyone via this app and that he was fussy, his type was dark hair olive skin which is what I am, his type is middle eastern women which his ex wife was

6) what if he was relatively new to this online dating concept as no other guy has requested more photos of me or sent me more photos of him (not what ppl do), I did ask him what made him come on to the app his response was how else are you meant to meet ppl, and to be fair I have not seen him on other sites where usually multiple dating sites.

7) What if he is just inexperienced at dating and that his failed marriage has left him with low confidence, possibly the reason he left out of his profile that he had a child as he didn't want ppl to know otherwise they would be scared off

8)he said he would make the effort if the relationship was right - well since he made the decision and quite annoyingly tell me the night we met that he is going back to his home town

Edited February 7, 2019 by buttercandy

[chryssy83]

1. Maybe you saying you weren’t okay with him having a kid made it into more of a hookup for him. Maybe he was just making conversation. Maybe the cute kid pics work with some women—make him look sensitive and all that.

2. Where I live, real grown ups rarely live with their parents. Maybe he wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Maybe he planned to do it in the car so your living situation didn’t matter.

3. Just no. He doesn’t want to talk to you or he would.

4. Nothing is wrong with being with an attractive guy, it just seems like you were willing to overlook any red flag because this guy was hot.

5. He was looking at your pics and then said you were his type when asked? Sounds like a match made in heaven....what are the chances?

6. So what?

7. He’s 38, good looking, divorced with a kid. He has experience with women. He comes on to you like he does and asks for all the pics etc, he’s a player and he has more experience than you do, if I had to guess.

8. He said he would put in effort for a relationship if it was right/worth it. He puts no effort into you. What does that tell you?

 

OP This meeting was a big fat nothing. Let it go.