James5791BBB Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Hi I matched with this girl on dating website we exchanged messages on site then by the 12th message I secured a date we then moved over onto text , the date / meeting was 6 days away n we exchanged 3 to 4 texts a night I always text 1st n always ended them ( was that the right way to do it ? ) , we got on really well on text funny flirting etc , now it was her 1st date in 3 years so she was very nervous n there was a couple of silences , at the end of the date I said I understand you were nervous but I would like to see u again she seemed thrilled as she said she was very pleased with her choice then we shared a 10 sec kiss , texting back n forward for a few days I had arranged another date all good , but got a text yesterday morning saying she was going on a date with another guy but really liked me and was looking forward to our date , I said that’s cool I understand that’s how it works these days , I texted her last night to ask how her day went not mentioned her date , she replied the date was ok n she was less nervous than she was with me and he wanted to she her again but she still really liked me and was looking forward to our date , I replied so was I but while I understand this is how dating works these days I told her I now feel like our date is gonna be like a trail n I told her she was bordering on playing games ( was I right to take that view ? ) , I’m just to old for playing silly games like that , she replied if that’s how u feel just forget about our next date , she also said that your not available all the time funny she never even asked me what days I was free she said I thought with your business n your kids you would not have much spare time , she made an assumption, then she stated again but I do really like u mmm ,I said you may be taking this the wrong way but I just want u to no I’m not up for playing games , I apologise to her that she took it that way but I remained firm I’m not asking u to choose I’m just being firm n upfront I’m not up for games , I sort of do like this girl I’m not head over heels I rekon it will be a slow burner which appeals to me , in you guys opinion what should I do now should I cut her loose should I hold back texting for a few days are what ?
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I'm going to get push back from the Nay-Sayers with what I post below, It won't be any objection that I haven't heard before (over and over), but I stand firmly on what I say.Hi I matched with this girl on dating website we exchanged messages on site then by the 12th message I secured a date we then moved over onto text , the date / meeting was 6 days away n we exchanged 3 to 4 texts a night I always text 1st n always ended them ( was that the right way to do it ? ) , we got on really well on text funny flirting etc , now it was her 1st date in 3 years so she was very nervous n there was a couple of silences , at the end of the date I said I understand you were nervous but I would like to see u again she seemed thrilled as she said she was very pleased with her choice then we shared a 10 sec kiss , texting back n forward for a few days I had arranged another date all good Stop all the texting. You make a date on maybe a Monday or Tues for a date that is on the weekend and then she shouldn't hear from you till you show up on the date. The reason you had silences on the date is because you talked too much before the date and didn't have enough left to talk about. It may also mean you talked about too "serious" of subjects. Never talk about making the next date while still on the previous date, it makes you look desparate and afraid that some guy is going to take her from you if you don't lock her into (make her feel obligated to) the next date. Yes, causal dating is the way to go at first which means you aren't the only guy and she shouldn't be the only woman. This is an outline below that I often give guys who struggle with the early dating process. It is a framework to help keep things from going off the rails and creating a train wreck. These are not "immutable laws" but I consider them important. Every detail of it has a very specific reason for being listed even if I don't fully explain it in the text itself. This is the period BEFORE you are exclusive,...BEFORE you are BF/GF. ---------------------------------------------------------- Phase One – a few weeks to a month long It begins when the guy offers a girl a specific date once a week and sets the date for a week away. You are making her an offer, present it that way like you know what you are doing. Plan it out ahead of time so you already know what you are offering. A good pattern is ask on Monday or Tues for a weekend date. No “fuzzy” dates! She needs a specific time/day/place. If you hit a day she can’t do it and she actually wants to spend time with you she will give you a counter offer or at least let you know in some way that it is ok to try again later. If she does neither of those then she probably isn’t into you. A compromise option would be to ask her when she is free to get together then offer a specific time/day/place. No chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date, but if she contacts you then be nice, pleasant, friendly, chat with her a bit, but keep it short. This is important to build anticipation for the date so both parties are excited to see each other when they arrive. It demonstrates integrity of both parties when they actually show up for the date without needing to be reassuring each other leading up to it. It eliminates either party from saying something stupid in a text or phone call to weaken the other’s attraction to them before they even make it to the date or maybe causing the date to be canceled or at minimum cause the other to be half-hearted about it. It is needy, insecure, and impatient people on both sides that think they need to maintain chit-chat leading up to the date or the other one might forget about them and not show up. No expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Get over it. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Guys, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you. Do not bring up any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you are not her boyfriend and she is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have. Rinse and repeat, over and over each week or so, but not more than once a week at this early point. Show some discipline. Phase Two – a few more weeks long to a couple months After a few weeks if you haven’t made mistakes the woman will start to contact you in between the dates. This is your cue to set the next date. This shifts some of the power over to the woman. Earlier the guy did all the chasing and setting the date. But now the dates happen each time the woman contacts you which gives her control of the frequency. You are both now sharing in the process. This means to an extent that the dates are her idea. It also means that you may now potentially see each other more than once a week. But don’t get carried away, still show some discipline. The rest of this phase is about the same as phase one. Minimal chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date. You can do a little more at this point because she is reaching out to you, but the principle is still the same, so keep it to a minimum. As earlier, no expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Again, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you. Still you do not bring up any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you still are not her boyfriend and she still is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have. Phase 3 – Lasts until you breakup, co-habitate, get married, or she runs over you with the car If you haven’t made a bunch of mistakes and discouraged her, on average at around 7-8 weeks (maybe longer if you made mistakes) the woman may bring up the exclusivity conversation. She may be vague about it, so you might have to question her a little to be sure if that is what she is saying she wants. If that is what she wants, and if you agree to it then you are now finally boyfriend/girlfriend and will need to drop off any others that you both may be seeing. Even after exclusivity happens you still have to keep your head screwed on straight and don't forget what got you to where you are. You still have to show discipline, emotional control and impulse control. Although women may claim they like someone who is a bit impulsive, erratic impulsiveness is not attractive and sometimes just flat scares the crap out of them.
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 It was absolutely her right to date anybody & as many people as she chose after just meeting you & going on one date. It was horribly rude of her to throw these other dates in your face. If she had any class at all, you would never have known about these other dates. I understand that you liked her but she was not a nice person. Let her go. Apply all the good things you did with & for her to an appreciative mature woman who knows how to be kind.
Author James5791BBB Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 Thank you PRW I was trying to pm you but I don’t no how your advice seems to be spot on , anyways I’ve taken on board you advice n the funniest thing happened I just got a text from her it was XX that’s the first text from I told her last night I wasn’t going on trail , you no I expect girls to be seeing other fellas and tbh she should not have told me that , she said she told me outta respect as she really likes me but I think a little naive on her behalf
Author James5791BBB Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 It was absolutely her right to date anybody & as many people as she chose after just meeting you & going on one date. It was horribly rude of her to throw these other dates in your face. If she had any class at all, you would never have known about these other dates. I understand that you liked her but she was not a nice person. Let her go. Apply all the good things you did with & for her to an appreciative mature woman who knows how to be kind. That’s spot on it’s like I no how it works I expect other guys to be on the scene but she should not have wrapped it up in ( I’m telling u cause I really like you ) it puts a guy in a unassailable position like your being judged , there meant to be fun not a job interview 1
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Thank you PRW I was trying to pm you but I don’t no how You don't initially get PM privileges on this site. 1
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) Thank you PRW I was trying to pm you but I don’t no how your advice seems to be spot on , anyways I’ve taken on board you advice n the funniest thing happened I just got a text from her it was XX that’s the first text from I told her last night I wasn’t going on trail , you no I expect girls to be seeing other fellas and tbh she should not have told me that , she said she told me outta respect as she really likes me but I think a little naive on her behalf Yea, women aren't dating robots either. They can be confused and make stupid mistakes too. So you might have to allow them some wiggle room just as you would like them to allow you,...but you still can't afford to get stupid. You still have to be smart about things. I'm not too worried that she told you about other dates. As a guy I don't have a problem with it,...I actually like it and respect that she had the balls to be honest. It tells me that in the future she is capable of telling the "hard" truth honestly rather than hiding it or being overly indirect as most women do. However it could mean that she felt you were pushing a little too hard and she told you that to get you to slow down. You have to be a member of the site for a period of time before you get PM abilities. I'm not sure what the exact details are. Edited February 6, 2019 by PRW
Author James5791BBB Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 Donnivein that’s where the problem lies with me see you talk about applying all of the nice things that I do to a nice lady who appreciates cause when I do that I seem to overwhelmed them see I’m a naturally kind hearted always see the best in people glass half full type of guy n would give a person my last if I thought I could help them , while I no that type of behaviour would work fine 3 to 4 mts into a realationship I apply it from the start n freak them out and for me to behave they way u r meant to ( stand offish misterious essantlly let the girl chase u cause that is so the opposite of me when I behave like that I think it comes across to the girl as he’s fake he’s not being truthful he’s hiding something, and tbh I’m the one at the start of a realationship that states I want to take it slow cause of my ADD I tend to hyper focus if they are there all the time n by week 4 I’m fed up with them that’s why I state take it slow , I tell u this ADD is no bloody joke it sneaks in and derails ur life n so many ways , thank u to all who replied to my post you’s really don’t no how much ur in site is guiding me through this ADD/realationship fog it’s dam tiring , thank u again so much James
Author James5791BBB Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 Yea, women aren't dating robots either. They can be confused and make stupid mistakes too. So you might have to allow them some wiggle room just as you would like them to allow you,...but you still can't afford to get stupid. You still have to be smart about things. I'm not too worried that she told you about other dates. As a guy I don't have a problem with it,...I actually like it and respect that she had the balls to be honest. It tells me that in the future she is capable of telling the "hard" truth honestly rather than hiding it or being overly indirect as most women do. However it could mean that she felt you were pushing a little too hard and she told you that to get you to slow down. You have to be a member of the site for a period of time before you get PM abilities. I'm not sure what the exact details are.thank u I understand the pm thing now , no definitely not I wasn’t being pushy and I never mentioned a 2nd date till the drive home , that’s a good point about telling the hard truth never thought of it like that , as I ain’t great at reading mixed messages n body language that would attract me to her as that is rare in a lady ,these sites can really enlighten you sometimes I’m so glad a joined now thanks guys
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 You can be kind and less intense. There is no need to talk to somebody you are just getting to know on a daily basis. Don't let texts become your primary means of communication. Call 2-3 times. Arrange 1-2 dates. Keep the dates short & not too expensive. < 4 hours. Baby steps. Before you act, think is this me being too intense? If there is even a possibility that the answer is yes, do something else.
Author James5791BBB Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 You can be kind and less intense. There is no need to talk to somebody you are just getting to know on a daily basis. Don't let texts become your primary means of communication. Call 2-3 times. Arrange 1-2 dates. Keep the dates short & not too expensive. < 4 hours. Baby steps. Before you act, think is this me being too intense? If there is even a possibility that the answer is yes, do something else. Ok I understand some good points I’ll defo put them into practice, 2 year outta 18 year realationship soo I’m a bit clueless, learning on the hop lol
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 ... as I ain’t great at reading mixed messages n body language that would attract me to her as that is rare in a ladyI post with the knowledge about you that I gained from other threads, your past events, the ADD, and other things. So I try to make it fit you. I don't expect you to find the love of your life in the next few weeks or months. Don't take the dating too serious. What I want to see is you just practicing. Date bad ones, good ones, and anything in between (hopefully mostly good ones). Learn how to interact with women, learn to read people. Even getting burned a little here and there will teach you what to avoid, just don't get burned "bad". People spend years and years going to school to get degrees for just some silly job that they may end up hating,...but when finding a person to merge their life with and maybe spend the rest of their life with,... people think they can just "wing it" and think that each one they meet is "The One". But it takes thought and practice to get good at anything, including dating and relationships.
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