jerrygordon3 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 I've been off and on w a toxic ex for 5 years. I broke up w her about 6 months ago but we still hung out for a week here and week there until probably two months ago. She was so aggressive and even tho it was a constant roller coaster I still find myself having dreams of her. Feeling heartbreak and no matter how many beautiful, kind,and loving women I meet I still find myself wondering why that one love has stuck for so long and been so profound. Is there a chance of only one true,organic love in my life. ? I tell myself love is patient and built slowly and to focus on the here and now and let my partner now grow on me and not sabotage... I'm currently dating a funny wonderful and kind woman who wants love,marriage and kids. She's also by far the prettiest woman I've dated. But here I am writing this. Any light shed would be great.
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Jerrygordon, have you ever seen a counsellor? You are like the male version of an abused woman. You have been emotionally abused for so long, that you have formed an unhealthy attachment to your abuser and have no idea how to have a healthy relationship. Seriously, counselling would be a good idea. Please don’t go back to your abusive ex. That is not a true, organic love... and no, we don’t get one true organic love in our lives. Move forward with this new woman, here’s hoping that you have finally picked a good woman. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 You are so enamored by her outer beauty you are not reconciling her inner ugliness & toxicity. Make a list of all the bad things about her & all the reasons you need to be apart. Re-read it a lot until you get her out of your head but understand this will take time. You were together for 5 years. Being broken up for 6 months but staying in contact is not helping your healing. You keep picking off the scab trying to form to heal your broken heart.
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 I am not sure what the actual antidote is to forget someone you love thats not good for you. honestly I am not sure if there is such a thing. you may have to reconcile the fact that you have these feelings for someone but also recognize that you cant go back. kind of like people dealing with an addicition. they may want that sip of alcohol but they choose to not go there because they know how their addiction ruin their life. so I say continue trying to move on and feel what you feel but redirect to wisdom. you will have moments where you dont think about them eventually. and you will have your reminders. like my first love I still think about from time to time. but its not as a nearly as bad as the first two years. your issue though is you keep reopening your wound by going back. you have to stop going back. you have to cut her off cold turkey in order to heal. but also expect that you will probably never forget and just have to be okay with that.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 all of you left really sound advice. I think you're right- the temptation is like an addiction that just gets easier to stay away from with time. I've been to a counselor and have had just about every objective person in my life tell me I need to run. She cheated, called me names ( every kind including telling me she hopes i die in the war and that my son doesnt love me and my family wont even remember me when im gone). She sobs and cries and chases me and flips out and stays up all night being hysterical, hitting me and trapping me in the room. She was terrible, but I grew up in this kind of environment so passion seems to be tied to drama and abuse for me. well put- wisdom is my real ally now.. I keep telling myself eventually my love for this new person, or any good mate will grow. Just takes time. Maybe love is supposed to be calm, boring, easy. I'm used to chaos. And I don't want that anymore. 1
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Love is most definitely supposed to be calm and easy, but not boring. It only seems boring to you because you are used to emotional, abusive, drama-filled relationships. It’s time to change your definition of a relationship. That is what you should be working on... or you will be doomed to repeat the same pattern, again, and again, and again...
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