A mess since on-and-off relationship

[ihcihcnom]

I have a long and drawn out story with a back-and-forth ex of mine that has made me feel all kinds of ways; totally confused, disgusted, bitter and a kind of lingering anger I have never felt before. The feelings I’ve had towards him and how our relationships played out have just been eating at me for years.

 

We met about five years ago and developed an on-and-off relationship that lasted a couple of years, even though our official period as a “couple” was only about 3 months. It may sound weird, but this is also why I’m so unsure of what to do with my emotions. The whole rollercoaster nature of him and I has messed me up. He was the one finally breaking up with me even though I wasn’t entirely sure or happy about how things were between us either. He has since moved back to be in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend that he dated before me. Or they may have started/continued things while he and I were seeing each other. I don’t know, because he wasn’t exactly truthful or open about any of his emotions whilst I needed him to be.

 

I also want to preface by saying that yes, I know that by being involved with someone who can’t make up their mind about you, you are putting your own worth down and accepting ****ty conditions, but I didn’t know any better at the time and nobody is perfect. So please accept that that is how I dealt with things and please don’t judge me too harshly for it. ☹

 

I want to focus on the now since that is what is driving me crazy. We share a group of friends in quite a small area of the town we both have lived in in the last 5 years, and it is very noticeable how relations have progressed since he got back with his ex. He seems to just live on, and has adopted the method of never explaining too much, all the while maintaining the exact relationships as before he and I got together. It is as if things never happened between us, he is the director of this narrative, and thereby everything just looks better when we are both in the same space at a party or some other social occasion. I do not agree with this narrative, and since we shared intimate emotions and super intense sexual chemistry (which I know for a fact is something he felt too) for years, it is just mind-boggling how he can get away with this and extremely condescending to me.

 

Ever since I learned that he is back with his ex for (seemingly) the long haul going on two years now, the anger I have towards him has just intensified. Since our break-up was never really clear and abrupt, all the sense-making is something I am having to STILL do since he doesn’t offer any kind of clear explanation or even empathy. The worst part of this is that I find that he has succeeded. People, i.e our shared friends, still treat him as if he is this cool guy who throws parties and is “sweet” even though many know he has treated girls in quite ****ty ways while dating them (including me! Not all our friends know, but I think they don’t want to know what he’s actually like in a relationship… easier to pretend like everything’s fine, right? For the benefit of the group). In the meantime, I have kind of been blurred out and disappeared into the ether. It is so infuriating I don’t even have enough words to describe what it feels like. Not only has he messed with my emotions for years, he is also making it nearly impossible for me to hang with our shared friends since I can’t stand his presence anymore. More so, I can’t stand to pretend to agree with the false narrative HE has created about us and that we are somehow fine now or even amicable.

 

I am currently living in a city about half an hour away. One main reason is I am so not dealing well with how things are with our shared friends. It has really made me lose trust in both them and honestly in many other people as well. I know I have people who care for me, but most of them live in my hometown, and I just feel so lonely in having to deal with all of this. I have dated lots of people since him, even had shorter relationships with three different people, but after they have ended I always seem to get back to feeling such visceral anger towards him specifically. Just the thought of something he said or did years ago can make me start crying in a minute and make me spiral into this hole of bitter emotions where I just want to scream my truth about what happened.

 

I really don’t know what to do with all these emotions, and I really don’t know what the best way is to move on. Like I said I have dated others, but it doesn’t remove the feelings of anger I have. I guess if it isn’t clear from what I just wrote, what has messed me up apart from the rollercoaster nature of our relationship, it’s that he acts like everything’s just fine and that I should just move on. This is something he always did in our relationship and still does – ghosting me and making me feel like what I am going through isn’t important.

 

I guess I just need any tips or advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. Even though I hate him now, he was once very close to me, probably one of the closest people to me. It’s just painful how things have spiraled and it definitely has changed me and my feelings of trust to other people.

[paisleypanther]

This hits close to home for me as well. Me and my ex had feelings for each other for over a year, but we only really dated for like five months. He could never stop talking about his ex-girlfriend, who he was still friends with despite always talking about how horribly she had treated him when they were together. I don't think he's back with her now, but knowing that they still hang around each other and I'm completely outta the picture is painful. One of my biggest fears when we broke up was that he was gonna start acting like the victim of our relationship. I was so scared he was going to say things that weren't true about me and slander me to our mutual friends.

 

Whether he has or not, my friends still like him and hang out with him all the time. I see snapchat stories of them going to clubs and parties with him, and in general he's still the funny, likable guy of the group. Meanwhile, I feel completely alienated from these people I called friends. They knew how awful he was to me.

 

In your case, I'd say maybe you should look for new friends. I was furious too when my friends continued to hang around my ex, but then I realized whose feelings they were prioritizing. Not mine, but the guy who continually hurt me and screwed me over. I understand the trust issue thing. You probably feel betrayed by these friends and even (to an extent) your ex. But those trust issues will only continue to be enforced if you still consider these people friends. It would make sense for you to have trust issues, considering that they are continually betraying it. But not all people are like that. You know for sure that these people aren't very trustworthy, but what about other people? Maybe you should try putting yourself out there. Almost immediately after my ex and I broke up, I had to go back to university. The change of scenery was very helpful, and I was able to make friends with people I never would have talked to before. It was refreshing.

 

I'm not sure what this guy is like, but I'm certain things aren't fine with him. I understand your feelings of bitterness. Just take joy in the fact that his pain and guilt are probably eating him from the inside and that eventually he'll implode . But in all seriousness, I'm sure he still feels some pain. A lot of the time, the people who seem to move on scarily quick are actually just trying to hide their sorrows.

 

Also, are you in contact with him? You said he still ghosts you. The best way to heal from that would be dropping him like a hot potato and going no contact. If he's going to pretend like everything is fine, he can do so without you.

 

The source of your anger may very well be that you still have these people in your life. That'd be enough to piss anyone off.

[ihcihcnom]

Paisleypanther,

 

"I'm not sure what this guy is like, but I'm certain things aren't fine with him. I understand your feelings of bitterness. Just take joy in the fact that his pain and guilt are probably eating him from the inside and that eventually he'll implode. But in all seriousness, I'm sure he still feels some pain. A lot of the time, the people who seem to move on scarily quick are actually just trying to hide their sorrows."

 

This is something I wonder about a lot.. I mean do people like him even feel guilt and/or remorse? Do they know what kind of pain they cause? Do they even care? I honestly think he just has some mild guilt, and that's what bugs me.. he should feel friggin' horrible for the things done and the pain he's caused. So I don't know if I can believe in that, that he probably feels horrible. I'm not sure he does.

 

Thank you for replying.

[paisleypanther]

ihcihcnom,

 

I understand why you'd feel that way. And you might never know how much he cares or doesn't care. But do know that his pattern of apathy will continue to bite him in the butt. Probably with his current relationship, probably with the one after. His actions will negatively affect his way of life until he realizes how much of a jerk he's been to others. I'm certain he's gonna get what's coming to him, whether he cares or not.

[ihcihcnom]

Paisleypanther,

 

I hope you're right even though it can be quite hard to console yourself with that at times.. I am trying to get away from the mindset of revenge which I've had for some time, but it's a force and I think it's the emotion that has given me the most motivation to move on. I am trying to find a way out of that and see what other feelings I can attach myself to that are healthier.