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Talking to a new girl...but she has 5 kids. Am I setting myself up for trouble?

ZayKayWill

By ZayKayWill
in General Relationship Discussion

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ZayKayWill Established Member

ZayKayWill

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I met this girl at a bar maybe 6 months to a year ago. Won't lie I don't know her all too well yet I would say. We've hung out a good number of times, but not enough to the point where I feel that I really know who she truly is.

 

 

 

But so far, we get along great and she hasn't done anything to really make me mad at all or anything. One thing I do gotta say, though, is that she just recently got out of an abusive relationship with her ex boyfriend. Seriously **** that guy. It wasn't uncommon for her to tell me that he would show up randomly out of nowhere and hit her, choke her, etc. Thankfully he got put in jail about a week ago and has a restraining order on him, so hopefully won't ever see him again, but yeah. That's kinda where I'm at now. I like her and she's cool, but right now I'm just keeping it a casual kind of thing, because I really don't know if I want to take on the burden of having to help raise 5 children...

 

 

I know if you really like the person, it shouldn't matter, but eh....just fyi I'm 28 and she's 35. I really don't know if anything serious will come up. Honestly I'm enjoying just dating her with 'no strings attached', but still, she (or I) may end up wanting something more in the near future, and well, I just want to know if it would be a bad idea or not. FYI I'm both working and I'm in graduate school, so I mean it's not like I necessarily have all the free time in the world...maybe after school I wouldn't mind being 'a father', but eh....definitely don't want to take on that role right now. Any advice?

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

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Sit down and write up your feelings and your boundaries. Make lists of what you are comfortable with and what you're NOT comfortable with. This can be useful to refer back to later if you get tempted to get in over your head (because once emotions get involved, our thinking can get very mixed up). It's good to be able to remind yourself of what you thought and what you wanted.

 

Anyway, yeah. She's older than you and she has a complicated life. You do NOT want to get into this too deep too quickly. It's bad for her, bad for you, and bad for the kids. You should not meet the kids unless you are pretty sure about the long-term prospects of the relationship, because it's confusing for them if they have to try and figure out how to make nice with mom's new boyfriends, especially as they may be frightened of men or desperate for new father figures.

 

Don't feel obligated to rush in and be her savior. Even if you two date long-term, you are not required to move in with her, you are not required to marry her, it's possible to have a relationship that works at your pace and for your needs.

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Kitty Tantrum Established Member

Kitty Tantrum

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Don't walk away - RUN.

 

She doesn't even have enough regard for her own children to not date abusive (buttholes).

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Respectfully, you don’t “date” a woman with five children... There is nothing “casual” about the fact that she is responsible for providing food and shelter for five little people, providing for their emotional needs, and managing the busy schedule of a single mother...

 

Either you are all in, or you need to be all out. To do anything less is not realy fair to this woman and her children. And, at 28 years old, that’s a lot to ask. Especially if you hope to have children of your own some day...

 

Besides, you really have to question the judgment of a woman who had five children with a man who was THAT abusive. Never mind the fact that you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if he is out of jail and when he is coming back for more... No thank you. Stay far, far away from this drama.

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ZayKayWill Established Member

ZayKayWill

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Respectfully, you don’t “date” a woman with five children... There is nothing “casual” about the fact that she is responsible for providing food and shelter for five little people, providing for their emotional needs, and managing the busy schedule of a single mother...

 

Either you are all in, or you need to be all out. To do anything less is not realy fair to this woman and her children. And, at 28 years old, that’s a lot to ask. Especially if you hope to have children of your own some day...

 

Besides, you really have to question the judgment of a woman who had five children with a man who was THAT abusive. Never mind the fact that you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if he is out of jail and when he is coming back for more... No thank you. Stay far, far away from this drama.

 

 

Eh, I mean to be fair, the 5 children don't all belong to the abusive ex. In fact, I think only one of the children belongs to the abusive ex. Not sure if that makes her look any better...lol...but yeah. *shrug*

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Eh, I mean to be fair, the 5 children don't all belong to the abusive ex. In fact, I think only one of the children belongs to the abusive ex. Not sure if that makes her look any better...lol...but yeah. *shrug*

 

But yeah, lol. If you do sleep with this woman, be sure to use not one, but two forms of protection... You wouldn’t want to be baby daddy for #6... on the hook for child support.

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Curiousroxy86 Established Member

Curiousroxy86

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Doesn't sound like she is pushing a relationship. Just be up front. dont jump in one with her if your not ready to take on her kids. If she ask for one and your not ready for that with her then just be honest and let her decide if she wants to continue seeing you casually or not. Just don't lie.

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Lotus_Luna Established Member

Lotus_Luna

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I have a lot of kids.

 

Ive accepted a lot of men will avoid me because of it.

 

So I’ve gotten a ton of therapy to work through my issues, started a new career that will eventually support me 100%, build up my self worth, learned new hobbies and basically focused on self help for a few years.

 

Thw reason why is because I owe it to myslef to be all I and the kids need. If I ever date again I am not looking to he saved by some guy. I’m the whole package who happens to have kids.

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ZayKayWill Established Member

ZayKayWill

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I have a lot of kids.

 

Ive accepted a lot of men will avoid me because of it.

 

So I’ve gotten a ton of therapy to work through my issues, started a new career that will eventually support me 100%, build up my self worth, learned new hobbies and basically focused on self help for a few years.

 

Thw reason why is because I owe it to myslef to be all I and the kids need. If I ever date again I am not looking to he saved by some guy. I’m the whole package who happens to have kids.

 

 

Interesting. How many if you don't mind me asking?

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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That's a lot of kids and they're not all from the same father. Sounds like a really tangled web. I think it's too much for you to take on at your age. Aside from that, your ages are too far off. If you were both 10 or 15 years older, that age gap may not mean so much but it does right now. Find someone closer to your age without all the baggage. The woman you're dating needs to be dating men 40 and over.

Normm Established Member

Normm

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I know if you really like the person, it shouldn't matter

 

 

Where did you get that crazy idea from?

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chillii Established Member

chillii

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Agree on the age thing you have no idea where your headed with that one.

But 5 kids on top of it , two fathers to boot, don't think you could even imagine what you'll be dealing with .

Def stay out of this one. There's plenty of girls around your own age no ex's no kids free as a bird and at the same place in life your at, 10 times a better match for you.

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Wallysbears Established Member

Wallysbears

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Run...don't walk. No way.

2.50 a gallon Established Member

2.50 a gallon

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Before we married the Ex and I talked of starting a family and how much she was in love with me.

So I asked her, suppose after we have a kid and we are on a sinking boat and there is only one life preserver. Who gets it? Me or the kid?

She answered, you, of course as with you we can always have more.

The truth is once you have a kid, some night shortly after the kid is born, you are going to get an elbow in the side and hear "How long can you tred water?"

What many men do not understand is that once a woman has a kid, the man in her life is moved back to second place.

If you get involved with this woman you will forever be in sixth place.

Me, I am in 5th place, behind two kids, and grand kid and now a great grand kid

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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Before we married the Ex and I talked of starting a family and how much she was in love with me.

So I asked her, suppose after we have a kid and we are on a sinking boat and there is only one life preserver. Who gets it? Me or the kid?

She answered, you, of course as with you we can always have more.

The truth is once you have a kid, some night shortly after the kid is born, you are going to get an elbow in the side and hear "How long can you tred water?"

What many men do not understand is that once a woman has a kid, the man in her life is moved back to second place.

If you get involved with this woman you will forever be in sixth place.

Me, I am in 5th place, behind two kids, and grand kid and now a great grand kid

 

While a woman should never make her husband feel that he’s on the back burner, there is a certain amount of immaturity in a man asking if he ranks higher than the kids. Children can’t take care of themselves and require a lot of attention. A mature man would understand this. At the same time, a woman has to establish boundaries and know when she’s overdoing it where the kids are concerned. It’s a difficult balance. If the kids are grown, that’s a different scenario — but never, never ask a parent to put anyone over their child. That’s a losing scenerio.

Lotus_Luna Established Member

Lotus_Luna

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Interesting. How many if you don't mind me asking?

 

The same

 

Although I seem to attract a lot of attention.

 

Basically the men who have come to me either want nothing to do with the kids or are totally fine with it.

 

Ive had a long term afffair with a man who is totally comfortable seeing me pregnant and being around my kids.

 

I’ve never asked him if he would personally want to shoulder responsibility of being a step parent but he has always reassured me that not all men would turn me away because of them.

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RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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Dude, do you really need to ask?

 

Her picker sounds broken, crazy abusive ex, drama, lots of babies but it sounds like no solid father in their lives.

 

She met you at a bar..... just run.

 

And using every form of birth control can not be emphasized enough.

 

Condoms, plus spermicide, plus pull out should be your only mode of operation here if you are crazy enough to continue having sex with her. Don’t be another baby daddy.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Hmmmmm you met her in a bar, she has 5 kids?

 

What could possibly go wrong?

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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concentrate on work and school. keep her on the back-burner for casual encounters. don't date her, let some other chump come along and take care of her and her numerous offspring

loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

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concentrate on work and school. keep her on the back-burner for casual encounters. don't date her, let some other chump come along and take care of her and her numerous offspring

 

Be smarter than this. Run. Like marathon run but quicker.

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