trash-cat Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I have been dating my boyfriend since August and we click really well. We have the same interests and same personal values. We now live very close and see each other almost every day. I have my own place and so does he. There are very few things I have issues with our relationship. Except two things, which to me are really important: We make plans together, and then the day of the plans, I do not hear from him all day until I text him and say something along the lines of "Hey! Are we still doing such and such today?" He will take a while to respond, as usual, and his usual reply to any of our plans is "I'm not feeling well today" Okay, that is fine, I understand you don't feel well... But he never feels good when we have plans to do something. In the past 6 months we have made one set of plans we have followed through with and that was a trip to New Orleans for my birthday back in January. I have learned not to set expectations in this relationship because I know he will never follow through, and that kind of hurts me. Today we were supposed to go hiking, and he texted me this morning, then I didn't hear from him all day. I texted him saying "I guess no hiking for us today" and his response was "I don't feel too hot today" Okay... He could of told me earlier this morning and I could of not waited around all day. This happens all the time... But he did mention to me recently that he makes excuses sometimes if he doesn't want to do something, which I called him out on. I have tried to talk to him about this and he says he will try to do better but nothing seems to change. I just feel let down all the time... I just want to share the things I love with him. Another thing is how incredibly messy he is. And I don't mean just messy.. He is gross. When we were an hour apart I would come and stay at his house and notice it was a little messy but I guess he would clean up before I came over. I had noticed the cat box hadn't been changed in...I don't know how long, but there was cat poop on the floor. There are dishes everywhere, in the sink, on the coffee table, in his side table and on his side table. There is dog hair everywhere and its gross. I mentioned to him a while ago that I was pretty sensitive to dog fur, and if he could clean up. I also mentioned to him that his apartment was messy and that I really didn't want to stay. His bathroom is so gross I refuse to use it. His apartment is just disgusting..I mentioned it to him the best way I could in order not to hurt him and even with that he seemed hurt. He tells me he doesn't feel good enough for me if I tell him that something is bothering me. I thought I was being unrealistic, so I haven't said anything in a few months, but last week I refused to go over because it had gotten so gross. I feel like I understood not to set expectations from the start of our relationship because he never followed through. I thought that maybe when he said he was just going through a funk and not wanting to clean was because he was just in a funk. I am really struggling here and not sure what to do. I feel as if I cannot set any kind of healthy expectations for my relationship. He tells me he doesn't want our identities to revolve around each other which I don't want that either, but I do not think it's wrong to want to do things with my boyfriend... Can anyone offer some advice?
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 You have to decide to accept or leave Talking won't help. You tried that. After you make it known and your boyfriend doesn't make changes well you got your answer. He doesn't want to change So you have to decide if him being flakey and messy is a deal breaker for you. If you can handle doing things last minute when he feels like it and maybe you can cope by last minute suggesting things to do in the moment and just spend time at your place and get a maid when y'all decide to live together lmao then maybe there is hope if he is an otherwise good boyfriend. But if you don't want to live like that then you got to cut him loose and find someone who is not flakey and nasty.
greymatter Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 With the list of things that you describe that you are not okay with, I can't understand why you are with him. 1
Arieswoman Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 t-c, Your b/f has a muddled mind, a muddled apartment and a muddled life. Unless you want to be his surrogate mother I suggest you bail now before you become as muddled as he is. I feel sorry for the cat
DrNo1962 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I have been dating my boyfriend since August and we click really well. We have the same interests and same personal values. We now live very close and see each other almost every day. I have my own place and so does he. There are very few things I have issues with our relationship. Except two things, which to me are really important: We make plans together, and then the day of the plans, I do not hear from him all day until I text him and say something along the lines of "Hey! Are we still doing such and such today?" He will take a while to respond, as usual, and his usual reply to any of our plans is "I'm not feeling well today" Okay, that is fine, ..... Sorry to cut your post short but I had to stop it right there. No, it's not Okay. If he's not feeling well, he should warn you to advance. Why does he wait for you to send the 'hail mary' before he says "he's not feeling well". Also if this is a common occurrence that would be enough for me to "next" him. I don't even need to get into the issue regarding hygiene for this to be enough to want out. 3 strikes....you're out. 1
edgygirl Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) What’s his Myers Briggs type? Some of us Perceivers (P) are not that good at pre-planned events nor are we known for our amazing organization/cleaning skills. So... fits the bill. Usually it’s some of the Judgers (J) types that get the most annoyed by these two traits. By the way what’s you type? Maybe you’re a J so it would annoy you more than annoy certain people. (Ok everyone - I get it those traits are not great, but they just... are. We can try to work on being a little better but it’s not our natural disposition. I don’t really expect certain J types to get it. But J types also annoy us in other ways). I’ve learned it after getting into MB and it all made sense. I try not to pre-book things in advance when I can help it (we like spontaneous open plans better) and I have my tactics to be organized - to the point that I know how to be even more organized than certain Judging people if I have to. Can he get a weekly cleaning lady? By the way... we also have other amazing qualities - which I’m sure make you stay with him - that other people don’t have. So there’s that Edited February 3, 2019 by edgygirl
Author trash-cat Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 We have talked about it before, but I cant recall what he is. I am an ISFJ. But the P fits him pretty well. I will ask him again and do some research on what his personality type is and try to find some better ways to be understanding. He actually mentioned getting a maid on Friday evening, and I was like YES! I was hoping him spending more time at my place would see that being a little bit messy makes life a little bit easier. He really does have other wonderful traits, which is why I am with him. There are literally the only things I have issues with. 1
Author trash-cat Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 His other traits are the reasons why I am with him.
Author trash-cat Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 This is what I keep thinking. I don't want to be someones mother right now, as I work full time and am a full time student. I love things straightened up and bit organized, but again he is not me. I agree he should warn me in advance and I told him "I wish you would of warned me earlier" I guess I am just trying to figure out if his other wonderful traits outweigh the issues i see.
preraph Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 He's just flat out lazy. What is the attraction here? If I were you, I'd print out a bunch of those "I'm not feeling well" things and show them to him and nail him on it. It's rude. He's lazy, that's all. Unless you want a life of doing nothing or nagging him to do something, I don't know why you'd stay. 2
edgygirl Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Yay good to know you’re open to working with him on the things that are bothering you. My sis is also ISFJ and although I know these things would annoy the heck out of her, she’s also very understanding, compassionate and open to working with someone on things... just like you We Ps don’t do it out of being lazy asses or flakes. Apparently it’s something ingrained. So being around a clean house (yours) won’t change something that’s ingrained. We love being in a spotless house... we just have more intellectual pursuits that attracts us instead of spend time cleaning. I wish more people got into MB... it just explains so many interpersonal conflicts we all have. With it I also learned to accept things in others that I can’t understand and that really annoy me.
Mrs._December Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 He really does have other wonderful traits, which is why I am with him. There are literally the only things I have issues with. But what could they possibly be? He lives in a filthy mess, he can't be bothered to clean the place when he knows you're coming, he doesn't even care properly for his poor cat, he shows you no respect whatsoever, he values you and your time so minimally that you can't even depend on him for anything, and you've now trained yourself to have absolutely ZERO expectations where he is concerned. I'm just trying to figure out why this is acceptable to you? What possible 'wonderful traits' could he have that are so overwhelming that you'd allow yourself to be devalued so badly? 3
edgygirl Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Only you can decide whether you can take it and if it’s worth it for you. Everyone here judging (you are probably J types in Myers Briggs lol!) - illuminate yourself, google “perceivers vs judgers” to start getting the differences Believe me, you guys who are J also have characteristics that are annoying as hell. Despite the differences, I enjoy being with J types. They give me the structure I don’t naturally have and I inspire them to have flexibility, spontaneity and being less stuck up. We Ps are usually very creative types as we are not that concerned with rigid things like pre planned schedules or organization. Every type has their advantages and disadvantages. Edited February 4, 2019 by edgygirl
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) I have been dating my boyfriend since August and we click really well. We have the same interests and same personal values. With all due respect, it doesn’t seem like you click very well at all. Based on what you have described, it doesn’t sound like you have the same interests or values. And, like Mrs. December, I’m wondering why you would stay with a man and allow him to devalue you this way... Edited February 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
olivetree Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 We now live very close and see each other almost every day. We make plans together, and then the day of the plans, I do not hear from him all day until I text him and say something along the lines of "Hey! Are we still doing such and such today?" He will take a while to respond, as usual, and his usual reply to any of our plans is "I'm not feeling well today" Okay, that is fine, I understand you don't feel well... But he never feels good when we have plans to do something. In the past 6 months we have made one set of plans we have followed through with and that was a trip to New Orleans for my birthday back in January. You say you see each other almost everyday. You also say that he always flakes on your plans except for one time in 6 months. Do you mean that you only see each other without a plan? Like he'll bail on the hiking but you'll still see each other? 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 His other traits are the reasons why I am with him. Assuming he is going to be like this for the rest of his life. Can you honestly deal with him not following through on plans. Can you accept the fact that anything y'all do will have to be in the moment if he feels like it? Can you accept the fact that he won't clean. Can you accept the fact that if y'all live together your going to need a maid or clean up after him?
MaleIntuition Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 What’s his Myers Briggs type? Some of us Perceivers (P) are not that good at pre-planned events nor are we known for our amazing organization/cleaning skills. So... fits the bill. Usually it’s some of the Judgers (J) types that get the most annoyed by these two traits. By the way what’s you type? Maybe you’re a J so it would annoy you more than annoy certain people. (Ok everyone - I get it those traits are not great, but they just... are. We can try to work on being a little better but it’s not our natural disposition. I don’t really expect certain J types to get it. But J types also annoy us in other ways). I’ve learned it after getting into MB and it all made sense. I try not to pre-book things in advance when I can help it (we like spontaneous open plans better) and I have my tactics to be organized - to the point that I know how to be even more organized than certain Judging people if I have to. Can he get a weekly cleaning lady? By the way... we also have other amazing qualities - which I’m sure make you stay with him - that other people don’t have. So there’s that You are simplifying MBTI too much. Judging or perceiving only explainers the order of the underlying cognitive functions. As a matter of fact; ISFJ Has a dominant perceiving function: Introverted sensation followed by two judging functions. While it’s true that some will definitely be more absent minded than others (ENxP), (INxJ): that doesn’t, however, excuse bad behaviour! Being a grownup means doing **** that you not always enjoy for the delayed gratification.
edgygirl Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Hmm was I supposed to write a dissertation about MBTI on a post? Of course I’m simplifying. Just giving a little glance so people realize not everyone is the same and the proactive ones that want to grow as a person and learn to accept differences can go do some research themselves. I said it myself - “google judging vs perceiving” as in: go research on MB to understand the differences between judging and perceiving. I’ve been studying MB for 7 years now and am still not an expert, nor I intend to be. But it’s a great framework to deal with things one cannot accept about others. The fact is, a lot of J types have issues with organization and schedules, whereas many P types are flexible regarding both and it’s not on their priorities list. Even from this thread you can clearly see who the Judgers are - they think OP should dump (!!!) a man only because he’s not that good with two silly things when she herself stated those are the only two things he’s not good at and the relationships is great otherwise. I wasn’t going to explain the stacks here - it’s too much information for people who are not familiar with MBTI. Feel free to explain more to them if you’d like. And you can twist it however you want, all the ISFJs I know are obsessed with cleanliness. Which is fine, one can choose who they relate to, and if they can take a “messy” person who has other priorities in life. It irritates me that people feel so comfy calling her BF a slob or flaky and irresponsible... they should put a mirror to their face and realize that as a Judging type they probably seem super stuck up to many people. So is life. People are different in their preferences (as in MBTI preferences) and everyone has their good and bad traits. You are simplifying MBTI too much. Judging or perceiving only explainers the order of the underlying cognitive functions. As a matter of fact; ISFJ Has a dominant perceiving function: Introverted sensation followed by two judging functions. While it’s true that some will definitely be more absent minded than others (ENxP), (INxJ): that doesn’t, however, excuse bad behaviour! Being a grownup means doing **** that you not always enjoy for the delayed gratification. Edited February 4, 2019 by edgygirl
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