TheBlingRing14 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Friday evening, my boyfriend and I were texting, perfectly normal conversation. Nothing serious. Nothing deep. Also, nothing particularly weird. At some point, it's late, and he (I assume) falls asleep on me. It's not unusual for it to happen sometimes, and with it being the end of the week and late, I am sure he was exhausted. And, in the meantime, I fell asleep waiting to see if he was going to text me back. Now, this does not bother me. These things happen. If it happened every single day, it would bother me, but I am quite understanding that hey, stuff happens. BUT...I have not heard from him since. All weekend. Once again...I am very understanding. Sometimes you get busy or are hanging with friends or whatever and a day goes by and you sleep in. I get it. However, to fall asleep and then not talk to me for nearly two days...it's rude, and hurtful. I can forgive and understand both faults on their own, but together, like I said, hurtful. So, I'm kind of torn on how to approach it. I don't want to come across as clingy or one of those girls that need to be texting all the time, and I am afraid confronting him about it would come across as insecure or clingy. At the same time, I want him to understand that while I am understanding of the individual communication lapses, the combination of the two is not okay, and how it makes me feel, so that he knows not to treat me like that. And, my optimistic soul makes me feel like maybe he would respect me for taking up for myself. But, the realistic part of me thinks it would make him defensive and come up with excuses. Thoughts?
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I don't know where you live but today is Super Bowl Sunday. In your shoes I'd text him something chatty & newsy about where you will be watching the game. See if that gets a response.
Gretchen12 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 It's too late now to confront him. If you do, he'll know you have been waiting for two days which is clingy. Pestering him because you're happy and chatty is not clingy. Silently waiting and feeling bad is clingy. Being clingy has to do with negative emotions. People don't like clingy because they don't want to be responsible for your happiness. Now you just have to pretend you haven't noticed anything wrong. Next time, just text him whenever you feel like and say Hey! What happened? Did you fall asleep on my last night?
Wallysbears Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 This is the same guy for a little while now and this happens with him relatively frequently. I’d say he’s just not all that into you. I’m sorry but he does this every couple weeks.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 I don't know where you live but today is Super Bowl Sunday. In your shoes I'd text him something chatty & newsy about where you will be watching the game. See if that gets a response. I have no doubt that if I messaged him, he would message me back. That's beside the point. My question was more along the lines of if and when we talk again, do I just pretend like nothing happens or do I stand up for myself? It's too late now to confront him. If you do, he'll know you have been waiting for two days which is clingy. Pestering him because you're happy and chatty is not clingy. Silently waiting and feeling bad is clingy. Being clingy has to do with negative emotions. People don't like clingy because they don't want to be responsible for your happiness. Now you just have to pretend you haven't noticed anything wrong. Next time, just text him whenever you feel like and say Hey! What happened? Did you fall asleep on my last night? I kind of feel like HE fell asleep on ME. It's on him to reach out. I didn't text him initially, because like I said, him falling asleep is no big deal, and I figured I would hear from him throughout the day at some point, which I usually do. And when I didn't hear from him, I figured he'd message me this morning, which he usually does in cases where he gets too busy the day before to message me. It really wasn't a big deal, until it was. This is the same guy for a little while now and this happens with him relatively frequently. I’d say he’s just not all that into you. I’m sorry but he does this every couple weeks. Yes, it is the same guy. We are seeing each other again in the next couple of weeks. Actually, it has been over a month, and things have been running pretty smoothly. Now, you could still be right, and he's not all that into me. But, things have been going well. It seems to commonly happen within the last two weeks before we see each other, though. Maybe it's intentional. Maybe it's because I am overly sensitive. Who knows.
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 If he is your exclusive boyfriend then you should say something I believe in an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship you should choose your battles. Nobody wants to get b*tched at all the time. Relationships are about acceptance. However you have to decide what your personal boundaries are. when someone crosses the line you say something. Not in a mean way. But in a way that is respectful and sweet. You say it one time. If he doesn't respond favorably you have to either accept his response or leave. No nagging, rehashing, arguing further, guilt trips etc. these things make you an unbearable girlfriend. But letting your guy know in a sweet respectful way one time that something is not okay does not make you an unbearable girlfriend. Especially if your not drama most of the time. If he responds like a jacka** then he would be considered a boyfriend you don't need in my book. But you have to have confidence on your boundaries. So if it were me and I didn't hear from my boyfriend in 24 hours I would send a text like "hey are you alive?" lol make sure nothing bad happen to him. And when he responds I would be like "honey I'm sure you don't mean anything by this but when you don't respond to my text in a whole day I feel ignored. I would love it if you take the time to respond in a timely manner. Can you do that for me babe (kissy face)". Like if he is your boyfriend what's he going to say? No? A good boyfriend would happily oblige. If he responds like a jack a** then you have to decide whether you want a guy like that as your boyfriend and if you stay well you have to accept that he won't respond in a timely manner (I would breakup if he talk reckless to a request like that). If he doesn't respond at all? Well If another 24 hours went by I would make sure he isn't dead or actually missing. If he isn't dead or missing then you could wait till he gets around to texting you but I wouldn't wait. I would assume he is ignoring you possibly ghosting you and send the breakup text "I can't be with a boyfriend who ignores me so this relationship is over". But that's my 2 cents. 1
DrNo1962 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Friday evening, my boyfriend and I were texting, perfectly normal conversation. Nothing serious. Nothing deep. Also, nothing particularly weird. At some point, it's late, and he (I assume) falls asleep on me. It's not unusual for it to happen sometimes, and with it being the end of the week and late, I am sure he was exhausted. And, in the meantime, I fell asleep waiting to see if he was going to text me back. Now, this does not bother me. These things happen. If it happened every single day, it would bother me, but I am quite understanding that hey, stuff happens. BUT...I have not heard from him since. All weekend. Once again...I am very understanding. Sometimes you get busy or are hanging with friends or whatever and a day goes by and you sleep in. I get it. However, to fall asleep and then not talk to me for nearly two days...it's rude, and hurtful. I can forgive and understand both faults on their own, but together, like I said, hurtful. So, I'm kind of torn on how to approach it. I don't want to come across as clingy or one of those girls that need to be texting all the time, and I am afraid confronting him about it would come across as insecure or clingy. At the same time, I want him to understand that while I am understanding of the individual communication lapses, the combination of the two is not okay, and how it makes me feel, so that he knows not to treat me like that. And, my optimistic soul makes me feel like maybe he would respect me for taking up for myself. But, the realistic part of me thinks it would make him defensive and come up with excuses. Thoughts? I've highlighted bits in bold that I believe express the insecurities you have. The part I have underlined is you asserting your boundaries. Any healthy relationship requires asserting boundaries early on in the relationship for it to blossom. If you leave things unchecked for too long then the relationship can be turbulent or spiral out of control. I recommend that you catch-up with your boyfriend over a coffee or even a nice walk in a park somewhere where the two of you can have a heart-to-heart. Keep a cool and calm head. Tell him how much you appreciate the connection/love you too have, but express these reservations you're feeling in a non-judgemental way. Say it in a way that expresses your needs but ultimately as something you want to build a stronger connection/bond/healthy relationship with your S.O. Hope that helps.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) You're working too hard to be understanding. Forget understanding. He doesn't contact you for two days. Unless there was a nuclear war, that's unacceptable. You do NOT want to be understanding. Where did you get the idea that you should always be understanding when someone ignores you or neglects you? And let's take a step back. What defines needy is whether or not you will put up with anything ... A confident non-needy person would confront bf and find out what's up with his disappearing on you. And if he's going to fall asleep, he needs to announce that. Falling asleep on you without saying so is also unacceptable and a non-needy person wouldn't tolerate this. Now ... in order not to tolerate this ... you have to have the willingness to break up with the person ... not as a threat ... but as a red line in your own mind. YOU have to know you can break up with him if you don't like the relationship. That's what gives the confidence ... and ironically the other person will feel that confidence (and your willingness to break up) even without you uttering the words. On clingy ... that's an extreme ... Objecting to someone disappearing for two days in the texting age is not clingy ... anymore than objecting to someone standing you up is clingy. Take a stand. Sounds like you need to dump this guy ... or make clear this behavior isn't working for you. You can start gently if you want ... But don't let him off the hook so quickly. BTW: the opposite of clingy isn't being a doormat. The opposite of clingy is having an independent life and confidence. The opposite of being a doormat isn't being clingy. The opposite is having confidence to say what you want and ask for what you want and insist on what you want in a relationship. Edited February 4, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 1
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 We just had another thread where the girl was getting the same treatment....her BF now ex finally admitted that he was only with her to fill the void and had no intention of being serious. I think you are there too. This guy ain't all that into you. I see no reason why you should stay with him.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 UPDATE: Thanks everyone for taking your time to make suggestions. Well, he messaged me earlier this evening. I decided to go with Gretchen's instinct as well as my own gut instinct that it had really probably been too long to address it, because otherwise, it makes it seem like I have been sitting around 2 days waiting for him to message me. So, I just sort of went around, conversation per usual, completely normal. We talked for a bit, and then he just abruptly stopped texting. And that was 3 hours ago. So, now I have been stewing on it, and am fully ready for that conversation. I am a firm believer in not saying or doing things in the heat of the emotion that you may regret later. So, it's probably good that whatever conversation/confrontation happens, happens tomorrow, giving me more time to gather myself, gather my thoughts, and stand up for myself in a gentle way.
mortensorchid Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 How to not be clinging in general? Find something else to do. Go work out, paint (as in artist paint), do some creative writing, go shopping, etc. Fill your time up with things rather than sitting there making yourself crazy. That's how not to be clingy in general. As for your situation? I think you have to wait it out. I fear what another poster said, that he doesn't want to be serious. Eventually you should get an answer from him.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Well my perspective ... there's no such thing as waiting too long to bring something up as serious as someone losing contact. In fact, lots of people deliberately wait to confront a partner so they can calm down ... in this case, the partner's behavior is continuing. Something is up with this guy ... if you don't confront him, he's going to think he can get away with whatever it is that is up ... and the worst possibility is that he could be preparing to dump you. Time to speak up ... You have nothing to lose. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Your basically showing him that it's okay for him to not contact you in 24 hours. A simple text response within 24 hours is acceptable. Waiting two days without explanation is just not okay if we are talking about an exclusive relationship. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 You need to be more authentic here, OP. It bothered you that he didn't reach out at all for 2 days. Pretending like it was fine when he finally did contact you was silly. All that does is show him that it's okay with you if he goes silent for a couple days. Expect it to happen again. Unless, you two talk - either in person or on the phone - and you ask him what's up. Don't have that conversation by text. Communicate with the guy. If he's doing this intentionally because he's trying to keep things more casual, you deserve to know. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 You say you want to stand up for yourself. That is fine except you are going about it all wrong. You are being passive. You didn't contact him for 2 days either. That was the time to address this. Now it's happened again & you are still sitting there seething & waiting for him to do something. You have now established a pattern in his behavior you don't like . . .these abrupt conversation ends with long periods of time between re-contact. Of course you should mention that pattern but you do need to understand that you have allowed the pattern to exist because you have never addressed it before. In short it's not all his fault so don't go at him with guns blazing.
Mrs._December Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 OP, respect yourself more. All you've DONE is sit around waiting to hear from him, and obsessed about why he wasn't texting, and what it could mean, and what you should say if and when he did text back, and on and on and on. The he texts a couple days later and you're right there just waiting for it and start texting back and then he suddenly dies off again. And here you are obsessing AGAIN about what to say to him. Do yourself a huge favor and read the book, "Why Men Love Bitches." It teaches how to NOT be a floor mat and to NOT be so darned accessible all the time to a man. Read it - you'll see a lot of your present actions in that book because it's written for women like you. 1
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Exclusive bf/gfs do not go MIA for entire weekends or the week before Xmas either. Something is not right, I suggest you dump him before he dumps you, he ain't interested beyond casual.
chryssy83 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 I think you should ask yourself if being able to say you have a boyfriend is enough for you. He’s not spending time with you, his behavior causes you stress and anxiety. To me, in an exclusive relationship you have daily contact and you look forward to seeing each other so much you wouldn’t go through entire weekends or weeks without getting together. So you call him your boyfriend, but is he really being a boyfriend to you? 1
curlygirl40 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Personally, for me, a boyfriend doesn't go 2 days without being in touch. That's not a boyfriend, that's a friends with benefits. Of course people have different contact expectations, but I think most people would agree that when you're at the exclusive, bf/gf stage, a daily text or phone call is expected. So the real question is why does he do that? Is he setting low expectations? Is he not really that into you? Is he seeing other women? Is he flaky? Does he not need the contact himself? Either way I think you are someone who needs that type of contact and he is not or he's not that into you. I don't know I'm just a bit baffled how a 'boyfriend' can go a whole weekend without being in touch. You aren't being clingy by expecting it. I would be like 'sorry, this isn't working out for me. I need a guy who wants to keep in touch with me when we're not together, I guess you're not that guy so I'm going to go find that guy' and walk. Easier for me to say from this side of the keyboard. 1
preraph Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 You shouldn't keep someone on the phone to that point! I think it just exhausted him and he doesn't want a repeat -- and on top of that, you're mad at HIM about it, which isn't fair. Talk to him and make an agreement when the cutoff for texting or talking is at night and ask him how much is too much during the day and you two compromise on it. Don't be accusatory. Lead with, I'm sorry I kept you up so late the other night. Let's make an agreement....
Interstellar Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) This is why I don’t like texting, once you get your girl started on this habit it’s gonna be a daily occurrence and it will be hard to break her of this habit. Communication is face to face, where you can see the other person’s body language. And don’t get me started on saying I love you’s. Haha, forget that. Edited February 5, 2019 by Interstellar 1
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