skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) Sorry for long message, I'm distraught right now. This is what has happened. I am an American living in Japan (28y). I was dating a Japanese girl (27y) (she speaks perfect English) for 3 months, and everything was seemingly perfect. From date #1, we hit it off, our personalities clicked, and she'd stay over and sleep at my place 3-4 days a week. We'd text and call when she was away, etc Some Notes: -Although she has bought me surprise gifts (like I do for her, normally food related or something simple), and she has paid for dinner ONCE, I essentially pay for everything. Seeing each other 3-4 days a week (she'd sleep over), and paying for her lunch, dinner, drinks etc gets expensive (she would pay for coffee). I never complained, I always showed her love from the heart. Anyways, I left Tokyo to Bangkok (for work, I will return to Tokyo March 10), and she knew this, and she was planning to see me in Bangkok February 7-11. I told her I would pay the ticket for her to see me. This past weekend, she did as usual, stayed over 3-4 nights, showed 100% love, we talked for hours, great sex. When we were deciding to buy the ticket to Bangkok, it was more expensive that I thought, so I asked if it's okay for us to split the ticket and that she doesn't have to pay anything in Bangkok at all (I'd take care of her, and note I always pay for everything anyways except coffee sometimes). She said okay, didn't show any negative signs. We are also planning a trip to Europe together in April for 10 days, and looking for tickets for that. That day she said she bought the Bangkok ticket and I gave her half the cost in cash. The next day she went to her home from my place, and didn't talk much, then said via text "Why did you change your mind and only decide to pay half the ticket" I said "I didn't think it would be bad to split the ticket, and I said I would pay everything for you in Bangkok. Is it not enough, would you prefer if I paid everything?" She then said "You shouldn't have said that" I said "I did not mean it in an insulting way, it was just an honest question" She proceeded to telling me she doesn't want to talk, and the next day she said she wants to pick up her stuff from my place (she was originally going to stay with me the night before I left Japan to take her stuff, to say bye before I leave, so when she said this I knew she was done with me). I forgot exactly what I said, but I said "I don't really understand what I did wrong, can we talk?" I ended up giving her things, she walked away, and she never spoke to me again and blocked me on Facebook and Instagram. I have a heart, gut wrenching feeling that me saying "was it not enough, would you have preferred if I paid everything" was the deal breaker for her. The only 'hint' at why she broke up was when she said "you should not have said that" after I made those comments. Maybe she felt very insulted by it? I sent her messages after apologizing, saying I did not mean anything bad by it, that they were the wrong words, asking her if we can just talk about things, and that I love her etc. She ignored them all. She was not interested in any discussion to talk about anything at all. How can someone go from seeing you 3-4 days every week, staying at your place, planning a Bangkok and Europe trip right before you leave away for a month, and then DUMP YOU out of nowhere! We were literally planning these trips together the day before she dumped me. She gave me such high expectations, that she'd fly to see me, that we'd go to Europe together. Everything was perfect the weekend she stayed with me, then by Tuesday she dumped me out of the blue. I am so devastated, I thought I'd marry this girl. She dumped me in such a cruel way after giving me such high hopes by completely ignoring me and cutting me off so suddenly...I'm wondering what I did wrong, whether if I paid the full Bangkok ticket if she'd still be with me, if I wasn't good enough. I cannot understand. NOTE: I don't like doing this, but I checked her phone when she was in the shower at my place, no messages from any guys. Edited February 3, 2019 by skanzer
Whodatdog Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 You should thank her for showing you her true colors before you married her. She is looking for someone to pay her bills. Sounds like she doesnt love you, but loves your money. Thank your lucky stars. 2
Highndry Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Don't be devastated, be happy. This ungrateful gold-digger is rotten to the core. You really dodged a bullet. 1
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 You should thank her for showing you her true colors before you married her. She is looking for someone to pay her bills. Sounds like she doesnt love you, but loves your money. Thank your lucky stars. Thank you for your response. What do you think of my concern...I keep blaming myself over and over in my head...for when she asked "Why did you decide to only pay half the ticket?" and I said "I mentioned I'd pay everything for you in Bangkok, so I didn't think it would be bad to split the ticket. What was not enough, would you have preferred if I paid everything?" The bolded part of my statement, she said "You should not have said that" and that was pretty much the end of it. Was my comment really so bad? (I repeat, I apologized, explained I meant nothing bad by it etc...she still ignored me)
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Sorry for double post, but before everyone calls her a gold digger, I felt we had a GENUINE connection, like we really clicked and she'd stay with me 3-4 days a week. I felt she really liked me, actually I knew she did. We had what I'd call a very compatible relationship. and this is random to say, but she even asked me to leave hickies on her boobs so she could remember me the few days we weren't together. It didn't seem fake, like she just was with me for "free date"...that's why I'm asking if my comment (see above) was the deal breaker? Maybe she lost interest towards the end and didn't show it?
Highndry Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Brother, women say all kinds of crazy stuff that really means nothing. Do you think if she really loved you she would discard you without even a conversation? You've got to look at this like an outsider for a moment. Forget the gold-digger thing, this woman completely did a 180 and shut you out so fast that you were left to twist in the wind. That's not love, my friend, that's crazy with a capital C. 1
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Brother, women say all kinds of crazy stuff that really means nothing. Do you think if she really loved you she would discard you without even a conversation? You've got to look at this like an outsider for a moment. Forget the gold-digger thing, this woman completely did a 180 and shut you out so fast that you were left to twist in the wind. That's not love, my friend, that's crazy with a capital C. I do agree...even if I said wasn't the best choice of words, she didn't even try to have a conversation. She just left me without regrets like I was a sinking sink...which makes me wonder that it might've been the comment, or that she was planning to break up anyways, and just jumped on any opportunity. I have been really hurting...and I sent her messages apologizing, asking if we can talk things through (and all my messages have the 'READ' notification, so I know she read them), but she did not say anything. The way she ended it with me hurts so much...I was such a shocking, unexpected thing to happen :/
Marc878 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Sorry for double post, but before everyone calls her a gold digger, I felt we had a GENUINE connection, like we really clicked and she'd stay with me 3-4 days a week. I felt she really liked me, actually I knew she did. We had what I'd call a very compatible relationship. and this is random to say, but she even asked me to leave hickies on her boobs so she could remember me the few days we weren't together. It didn't seem fake, like she just was with me for "free date"...that's why I'm asking if my comment (see above) was the deal breaker? Maybe she lost interest towards the end and didn't show it? It was going good until her free ride was over. You just projected your feelings onto her. I love her deeply so she must love me the same. Naive thinking. Her actions tell you so.
Highndry Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 This gal reeks of BPD. You should read about it. Only somebody with some sort of mental disorder discards somebody in such a cruel, swift fashion. That being said, it was only 3 months, so you should rebound fairly quickly. In fact, I think you should start dating again very soon. PS- DO NOT EVER contact this woman again. If she somehow reaches out to you, tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not to contact you again in this lifetime, that she used up her only chance.
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Thank you all for your responses. I have been dating girls, but I have not enjoyed it (still hurt). I don't mean to go on about this, but I keep going over it in my mind. Do you think me saying "Was it not enough, would you have preferred if I paid everything?" was a very bad comment to say when she said "Why did you decide to only pay half?" When I said that comment, she said "You shouldn't have said that"....so it's the only 'clue' she gave me for leaving me before she completely cut me off.
Highndry Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Thank you all for your responses. I have been dating girls, but I have not enjoyed it (still hurt). I don't mean to go on about this, but I keep going over it in my mind. Do you think me saying "Was it not enough, would you have preferred if I paid everything?" was a very bad comment to say when she said "Why did you decide to only pay half?" When I said that comment, she said "You shouldn't have said that"....so it's the only 'clue' she gave me for leaving me before she completely cut me off. My friend, you've done nothing wrong whatsoever - except to pay more than your fair share which you should not do next time. No matter what you did or said, this day was coming with this woman. She is cringe-worthy.
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 My friend, you've done nothing wrong whatsoever - except to pay more than your fair share which you should not do next time. No matter what you did or said, this day was coming with this woman. She is cringe-worthy. Thank you...you are right. The reason I'm asking, is because some people told me I essentially low-key called her a gold-digger, by asking her "would you have preferred if I paid everything?" I think it's obvious she didn't love me, but the way she ghosted me is super painful. I can't compute how someone can spend 3-4 days a week with you, and you click so well, and she ghosts you like that. I seriously have had close to unbearable emotional pain lately.
Marc878 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Thank you all for your responses. I have been dating girls, but I have not enjoyed it (still hurt). I don't mean to go on about this, but I keep going over it in my mind. Do you think me saying "Was it not enough, would you have preferred if I paid everything?" was a very bad comment to say when she said "Why did you decide to only pay half?" When I said that comment, she said "You shouldn't have said that"....so it's the only 'clue' she gave me for leaving me before she completely cut me off. You are in denial of who she is. She was just a gf. Dating is a tryout. She failed the test. You still want it to be your fault so you can fix it. Your action was not unjust. If she was even remotely a good person she'd have offered to chip in upfront. The only one keeping your head in this is you and you are wasting your time and headspace
Highndry Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Imagine the pain if this woman did that to you after 2 years. There are still some good women out there. This gal is gross.
Normm Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 A precedent was set during the relationship where you paid for almost everything. To her, that was the status quo. When you reneged on the ticket, she probably saw that as pulling back on your love, and she bailed. Take a lesson from it and dont let anyone take advantage of you financially, ever again. Or do it but expect to keep on doing it until death do you part.
Normm Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 This gal reeks of BPD. You should read about it. Only somebody with some sort of mental disorder discards somebody in such a cruel, swift fashion. You can't possibly diagnose someone who you have never met, never spoken to, and never interacted with, based only on what you read about them in a few paragraphs on an internet discussion board. As far as somebody having to have a mental disorder to dump someone after 3 months? Nah, happens all the time. People are fickle. They decide they want out and they disappear without so much as an attempted explanation because it's less awkward and painful. Perhaps she was already emotionally disconnected and he missed the signs. Maybe there's more to the story than we are reading about here. Who knows. But to jump to the conclusion that she's a nut job is way over the top. 2
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 A precedent was set during the relationship where you paid for almost everything. To her, that was the status quo. When you reneged on the ticket, she probably saw that as pulling back on your love, and she bailed. Take a lesson from it and dont let anyone take advantage of you financially, ever again. Or do it but expect to keep on doing it until death do you part. Thing is, that last weekend we were together, she was with me 3-4 days, and I paid essentially everything as usual (she usually buys the coffee). I offered to pay half the ticket AND take care of her completely in Bangkok....I didn't feel I pulled back that much. I have a feeling it was more than just money...she had a good job too btw, but I felt she was also losing interest in me for whatever reason, and didn't love me (obvious), so it was very easy to bail on me (obviously again).... I need to get my head together.
Normm Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Yes, I suggested that in a post before your last one. She may very well have been pulling back but you didn't see it. It happens.
Highndry Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 You can't possibly diagnose someone who you have never met, never spoken to, and never interacted with, based only on what you read about them in a few paragraphs on an internet discussion board. As far as somebody having to have a mental disorder to dump someone after 3 months? Nah, happens all the time. People are fickle. They decide they want out and they disappear without so much as an attempted explanation because it's less awkward and painful. Perhaps she was already emotionally disconnected and he missed the signs. Maybe there's more to the story than we are reading about here. Who knows. But to jump to the conclusion that she's a nut job is way over the top. Actions speak louder than words. We'll agree to disagree on this one.
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 You can't possibly diagnose someone who you have never met, never spoken to, and never interacted with, based only on what you read about them in a few paragraphs on an internet discussion board. As far as somebody having to have a mental disorder to dump someone after 3 months? Nah, happens all the time. People are fickle. They decide they want out and they disappear without so much as an attempted explanation because it's less awkward and painful. Perhaps she was already emotionally disconnected and he missed the signs. Maybe there's more to the story than we are reading about here. Who knows. But to jump to the conclusion that she's a nut job is way over the top. She's a very intelligent, decent girl. I can call her a demon because she essentially rejected me and cut it off in a distasteful way....but I don't think she's a innately bad person
Normm Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 She's a very intelligent, decent girl. I can call her a demon because she essentially rejected me and cut it off in a distasteful way....but I don't think she's a innately bad person Yeah, you really can't accurately characterize a person solely on how they acted when they dumped you, that tends to bring out the worst in a person. Lets face it many people are cowards. That's why you always see posts to the effect of "he or she ghosted me and went no contact and I don't know why". Because the dumpee is no longer of importance or interest to the dumper. In a situation such as yours, it was only 3 months. It simply didn't mean that much to her. 1
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Yeah, you really can't accurately characterize a person solely on how they acted when they dumped you, that tends to bring out the worst in a person. Lets face it many people are cowards. That's why you always see posts to the effect of "he or she ghosted me and went no contact and I don't know why". Because the dumpee is no longer of importance or interest to the dumper. In a situation such as yours, it was only 3 months. It simply didn't mean that much to her. Still, I think it shows a definite 'personality flaw' to do that. Sure, it was only 3 months, but the girl was sleeping at my place 3-4 days a week, we even traveled to other cities in Japan together on vacation and spent a lot of time together. It was very disrespectful how she ended things with me...she doesn't realize how much it hurts, and how she left me in the dark about the reasons.
Highndry Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Still, I think it shows a definite 'personality flaw' to do that. Sure, it was only 3 months, but the girl was sleeping at my place 3-4 days a week, we even traveled to other cities in Japan together on vacation and spent a lot of time together. It was very disrespectful how she ended things with me...she doesn't realize how much it hurts, and how she left me in the dark about the reasons. That's why I recommended reading up on BPD, saying she "reeked" of it. Only a professional can diagnose a disorder, but friends, family and loved ones of a person with mental health problems know them inside and out, much better than a therapist who only knows what they are being told by the client, who oftentimes lies. I'd bet after reading around a lot, you will have a much better grasp on this person who you unfortunately found yourself in a relationship with, albeit a young one. You may have an "ah-hah" moment when everything becomes clear.
Normm Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Still, I think it shows a definite 'personality flaw' to do that. We've all got flaws. Once she lost interest in you she simply shut you out of her life. Happens all the time. Doesn't mean she's got a personality disorder, simply that she's selfish, like most people.
Author skanzer Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 That's why I recommended reading up on BPD, saying she "reeked" of it. Only a professional can diagnose a disorder, but friends, family and loved ones of a person with mental health problems know them inside and out, much better than a therapist who only knows what they are being told by the client, who oftentimes lies. I'd bet after reading around a lot, you will have a much better grasp on this person who you unfortunately found yourself in a relationship with, albeit a young one. You may have an "ah-hah" moment when everything becomes clear. I know about BPD, I've read quite a bit about it. Honestly, it's possible, but I don't explicitly feel that she has this. I think she really just lost interest, which is not selfish in it's essence...if she loses interest in me, then it's her natural feeling. But her action was quite selfish, the way she broke up with me. I don't know why I'm still thinking about this girl so much, and I have some hope that she'll come around (even though getting back with her would be a bad idea...but I doubt she will even). This is a random story, but this happened during our relationship and it was a huge red flag to me. On her birthday weekend, we spent 3-4 days as usual...I payed for most of everything (sometimes she'll buy somethings, but I paid for 90% of things)...on her actual birthday, I took her to a very nice lunch, it's a famous eel place in Tokyo. For her birthday dinner, I took her to a famous pizza place which we AGREED to go to....the day seemed to be going great, but at the pizza place she told me "I never just had pizza on my birthday dinner...." she said this with major disappointment. It made me feel like such crap, how I was trying to show her a great birthday weekend, and she was so disappointed that the birthday dinner was a famous pizza place (it's really famous in Tokyo, i even had to make a reservation). It was like the fact that her birthday dinner was pizza was more important, than simply enjoying the fact that we were together. If it were my birthday and she took me to a ramen place in Tokyo ($10 average), I'd have been super happy just being with her.
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