2much4 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I've been dating this guy for about five weeks and his parent just died while we were on a date. We haven't known eachother for very long so I am kinda confused about what is appropriate.
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Gosh, I don’t know that there is a “right” answer to this one... I would just offer to be there with him, as little or as much as he wants. He may walk away for a while to deal with family obligations, and no doubt he will go through many difficult emotions... But, he may also appreciate your presence and your support. The only thing you can do is ask him - send him a text letting him know that you are here, if there is anything you can do... Take your cues from his response. Either way, a card would be nice, go to the funeral even if you sit in the back and not with the family, and perhaps give him a gift certificate for a meal/bring some food for him.
Malin889 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Give him a call and tell him if he needs anything you are here for him, and when the funeral comes, either send a card or go to the wake... if you’ve been out 5 times and you really like him, maybe go to the wake, stay for a few minutes then go.
Art_Critic Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 IMO, there is no wrong answer... so the right answer is what ever you feel in your heart to do... If it were me I would engage him verbally, offer your condolences and tell him you would like to be there for him.. and yes it's okay to go to the wake if you want. Let him help guide you to what he also feels is appropriate..
edgygirl Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Both at the same time? Was it an accident or so?
Lotsgoingon Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 So depends on where you are in the relationship ... five weeks can be different for different couples. So ... did you meet the deceased parent or the other parent? ... If so, there might be an expectation for you to attend the funeral. So here's my take ... telling someone you are there for them is useless ... Why? ... Because when you've just lost a parent, you don't have the energy to ask people for specific help. People are rattled, quite vulnerable and they can't think straight. So I would say offer to take him out for coffee for a break from what he's going through. Ask him if you can accompany him on some errands. Bring some food and drop off at his house .... But ... the above suggestions hinge on how close you guys are ... If you're not exclusive-committed yet ... then you can still offer the above ... but the expectations are lower ... Definitely call him on the phone! ... in the evening ... to talk! ... Don't ask if he wants to talk. Call him! ... In addition to grief, there are a shockingly high number of errands and practical matters to attend to when someone dies. Who notifies the church .... who writes up the obit ... who sends obit-announcement to the local newspaper ... If there is going to be a formal funeral, then visiting the body at the undertaker's picking out clothing ... So ... my point is people need to process all these errands ... errands due at the time they are grieving ... And do NOT try to cheer him up. Just your voice will be soothing ... (don't make effort) ... The best thing you can do is avoid acting like he has the plague and start acting like you "can't relate." Well, he can't "relate" to what happened, either. Just contact him and be there. If he cries on you, just let him cry ... I unfortunately have way too much experience about deaths and relationships and grief, having lost two parents and two siblings in past ten years. 1
mortensorchid Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Wow, I really don't know what to tell you on that one. What has the guy said since the death?
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 I'd go to the wake. More then anything this guy needs hugs & support. Send a card. Other than that, let him lead. He may feel so guilty that he was out with you when this happened, he may not be able to continue with you. My condolences to you both.
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 He may feel so guilty that he was out with you when this happened, he may not be able to continue with you. Sadly, I agree with this possibility. Regardless, it will take a significant amount of time for him to deal with this loss. He has a long road ahead... 1
Author 2much4 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 He may feel so guilty that he was out with you when this happened, he may not be able to continue with you. Unfortunately I agree with this too. I made a card, brought him some food and listened. He seems really lost, but still reaches out a lot.
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Unfortunately I agree with this too. I made a card, brought him some food and listened. He seems really lost, but still reaches out a lot. That’s a good sign. I hate to say it, but this may either make or break your relationship. Something similar happened to my best friend. Her mother had a life altering stroke and her brother was in a very new relationship. The woman he was dating was very compassionate and she supported him through the worst of it... they are still together today, 15 years later. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 I made a card, brought him some food and listened. He seems really lost, but still reaches out a lot. If he's reaching out just be there for him. You are being a good friend.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Unfortunately I agree with this too. I made a card, brought him some food and listened. He seems really lost, but still reaches out a lot. Yes, people are often lost when confronted with death ... Lost simply means they don't have the words ... they don't understand their feelings ... Also, sometimes you don't want to accept that what happened has just happened. The result is that people's thinking can't go anywhere ... The fact that he still reaches out a lot to you is HUGE!!!!! ... And just so you know ... listening is absolutely fantastic ... if you want to utter words, avoid "things will get better" talk ... Instead, go with "I'm so sorry this happened. This is so hard for you ..." Acknowledging how hard things are right now ... is actually comforting. Grief is a part of life ... and there's not taking away his pain ... friendship makes the pain and the journey through the pain much more bearable. Part of grief is feeling alone ... Anyway, sounds like you're doing quite a good job! No heroics needed ... just don't disappear.
fred123 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I'd go to the wake. More then anything this guy needs hugs & support. Send a card. Other than that, let him lead. He may feel so guilty that he was out with you when this happened, he may not be able to continue with you. My condolences to you both. you cant just go to the wake unless you are invited or even drop food to his house. hE MIGHT not like that esp if you aren exclusive or committed.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I disagree: you can certainly go to the wake, without his permission. When it comes to wakes, it's like the more the merrier ... With every person that walks in, the family thinks ... Oh ... my mom/dad/sis/bro whoever was really loved. And families appreciate each and every person who comes through the door ... neighbors, friends ... former friends ... heck .. near-enemies can be welcomed at funerals. Wakes are simply meetings in which humans exchange warmth for the family of the deceased person and express warmth to each other. (Testimonies about the deceased occur at the funeral.) Wakes tend not to have a lot of tears. (Again, that''ll happen at the funeral as the finality sinks in.) I assume your bf's parent is below 70 ... basically wake's for young people are incredibly sad ... My parents were in their 90s .. and their wakes were actually quite energetic and relaxed, even upbeat ... no sense of "life cut short." But the wake of a guy I knew who was 24---devastatingly sad. But having a huge crowd to greet the family was good. You bf's parent might be in between these two extremes. A friend of mine decided to go to my brother's funeral ... out of town. He didn't ask my permission.
Author 2much4 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 And just so you know ... listening is absolutely fantastic ... if you want to utter words, avoid "things will get better" talk ... Instead, go with "I'm so sorry this happened. This is so hard for you ..." Acknowledging how hard things are right now ... is actually comforting. Grief is a part of life ... and there's not taking away his pain ... friendship makes the pain and the journey through the pain much more bearable. Thank you, this is good advice =) The funeral will be close family only (grandparents and siblings). I won't go.
Author 2much4 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 Sorry I meant the wake. English is not my native language. There won't really be one. Just private with closest relatives. 1
fred123 Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I disagree: you can certainly go to the wake, without his permission. When it comes to wakes, it's like the more the merrier ... With every person that walks in, the family thinks ... Oh ... my mom/dad/sis/bro whoever was really loved. And families appreciate each and every person who comes through the door ... neighbors, friends ... former friends ... heck .. near-enemies can be welcomed at funerals. Wakes are simply meetings in which humans exchange warmth for the family of the deceased person and express warmth to each other. (Testimonies about the deceased occur at the funeral.) Wakes tend not to have a lot of tears. (Again, that''ll happen at the funeral as the finality sinks in.) I assume your bf's parent is below 70 ... basically wake's for young people are incredibly sad ... My parents were in their 90s .. and their wakes were actually quite energetic and relaxed, even upbeat ... no sense of "life cut short." But the wake of a guy I knew who was 24---devastatingly sad. But having a huge crowd to greet the family was good. You bf's parent might be in between these two extremes. A friend of mine decided to go to my brother's funeral ... out of town. He didn't ask my permission. no you cant. im trying to imagine if it was thr girl i used to see. she would have gone nuts at me. she probs wouldnt have even told me where the wake was. she would then have to explain who i was to people!
Author 2much4 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Posted February 18, 2019 This is kind of related to my previous post so I thought I'd post it on here. I am kind of freaking out right now. He has been very down. Talking a lot, which is good...but feeling sick a lot, not eating, not sleeping....and I'm worried he might fall into clinical depression. It's like he's been hit on the head.
SophieG Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 This is kind of related to my previous post so I thought I'd post it on here. I am kind of freaking out right now. He has been very down. Talking a lot, which is good...but feeling sick a lot, not eating, not sleeping....and I'm worried he might fall into clinical depression. It's like he's been hit on the head. Clinical depression would be after 6 months. It’s been a few weeks, give him time. If I lost my mom, I’d be in a fetal position, in the corner of a room, crying myself to sleep. It is a very difficult time for him. Be there. We all grieve differently, but he needs time to grieve.
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