Fensun90 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 hi. I am not dating anyone currently. Me and this girl I was seing just ended it after only 4 dates. But anyways. I do not feel comfortable talking about my family. especially my parents. I have OK+ connection with my sisters. I have had repeaditly women ask me about my parents and where they live now(becuse I bought their house) My father died almost 3 years ago because he was an alcoholic so he drank himslef to the grave basically. This is touchy subject for me that I hate talking about, esp with "strangers". My mother moved to a rented appartment. she has huge drinking problemd as well as psychological issued deep rootet that we actually dont think we can be able to really help her with. she has caretakers 4 times a week from the county. Problem is that when they ask: oh, so you bought the house? thats sooo nice! where do they live now? I get very uncomfortable and usually I try brush it off and just say that my mom moved and father dead but this usually comes out mumbling and they can sense somethings off. I cannot find a good way to answer. I really never involve my family in my dating, but I want some tips from you about how I can reframe my answers in a better way.. or should I just never talk about this with them? because I dont want to scare the girls away before theyre over the doorstep.
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 That’s hard, because “tell me about your family” is usually one of the more common questions when you start dating... it’s a rather innocuous question, except when you have challenging family relationships. I would do exactly what you have been doing... find an answer that gives enough information to show that you are not hiding some “dark” secret, but not too much information that you feel uncomfortable. I would probably say something like - “My dad passed away three years ago. My mom lives in an apartment and she is a challenging person... But, I have sisters who I am close with and ... talk about your sisters.” A woman who is kind will not push you to share anything you are not comfortable sharing. If she cares about you, she will want to know and she will listen without judgment. But, you are not wrong to feel like you do not want to share your entire life history with a virtual stranger... these kind of more intimate discussions tend to occur between people when there is a certain trust established. It’s not exactly socially appropriate to share difficult things with people you don’t know well. If I may ask, have you ever spoken with someone about your experiences? The suggestion is often thrown around this website, but I am concerned when you say that you have difficulty talking about your experiences and your feelings. You would be wise to seek support if you haven’t already done so because the best way to have a happy, healthy future is to try and find a way to make peace with your past. When you are ready, of course... Best wishes.
SunnyWeather Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 you really don't need to say much in the early stages of dating- reveal what you want when you want as it relates to your family and finances. you don't need to offer how you got to buying your house. when asked about parents, say something very simple, which is the truth: my dad passed away...my mom lives...it's really nobody's business. details are for when you are with somebody long enough to trust them with this very personal information. I sense, however, that you would like to talk more about this,understandably so. Might I suggest you get a therapist to help you sort through these painful issues? substance abuse and trauma runs through generations of families, and it would behoove you to break their devastating cycles.
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Nobody's family is perfect. I agree you can word it so there isn't a deep conversation to follow. She will get the hint things are a little sensitive and won't push.
Author Fensun90 Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 thank you all for your good answers. In the past Ive talked with my sister about this because she has same experiences. I did see a psychologist for 5 months. didnt see big benefits of this. I will still think about doing this one more time when current situation calms down. it has been almost constant chaos since I was 13 years old. but I really liked your tips I will rather talk about my sisters and their children because the kids are lovely. 1
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 but I really liked your tips I will rather talk about my sisters and their children because the kids are lovely. Focus on the positive and all will be well. My boyfriend had a challenging childhood and a difficult marriage. I could tell early on that there were things he didn’t want to talk about. Some things have been revealed to me over time, while other questions are quietly dismissed and I respect that. I fell in love with him because he is a good person and he makes me feel good when I am with him. I respect him even more for the man he is, because I know that he has not had an easy path in life... There is much to admire about a man who has lived a difficult past, but is able to be positive, optimistic, and hopeful about creating a better future. There is also much to respect about a man who has healthy boundaries with the challenging family members while maintaining close relationships and gratitude for the family that love and support him. I think you will be fine. Good luck in your search to find that special woman.
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Just say that dad passed & mom lives elsewhere because the house was too much for her to handle. No need to bad mouth your family early on. Opt for silence instead & change the subject, quickly. Give vague but truthful answers early on. My mother especially was a challenging person. When I would introduce people to my parents I would point blank tell the person that my mother was going to ask something in appropriate. When she met my husband the 1st words out of her mouth after sizing him up rudely (she moved her head up & down as she looked him over) was "how much money do you have?" His response was perfect: "Enough. How much do you have?" Unfortunately, the next thing she said was to announce that he was "too good looking" and then she promptly told me to break up with him because he was going to cheat. I just rolled my eyes & we carried on basically ignoring what she said. 1
Art_Critic Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Just say that dad passed & mom lives elsewhere because the house was too much for her to handle. No need to bad mouth your family early on. Opt for silence instead & change the subject, quickly. Give vague but truthful answers early on. I agree.... I do think the the OP has a point though, I stopped dating a girl once because her kids (teens) had never met their Grandmother and she lived 15 mins away... I felt like if I ever had kids with her I would want them to know their Grandmother.. I wasn't judging her as her Mom was an Alcoholic and they had their own history but I made the decision based on what I felt was best for my future... I think he should be careful about talking negatively about his Mom, a GF would pay attention to how he treats his Mom and their relationship and base some of her decisions on this. While he shouldn't lie he should not paint a horrible picture either...
Wallysbears Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 You say: “My dad passed away a few years back and my Mom is living in a smaller place with home care takers a few days a week because she’s not in the best of health” And then you can mention you have sisters you are close to. Don’t extrapolate on the parents thing early on dating. 1
darkmoon Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 if you say bad things about your mother, some potential girlfriends see a bit of a bad guy, a bad son... I think many women like the idea of a son being protective to a mother, so never use the "crazy" word... but yes, say "she is in poor health..." take it from there ... your girlfriend will prolly realize that mother is crazy over time, but always be polite/loving about your mother, it looks good, tbh...
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