allofme Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I was never good at taking rejections and have single for a while. I never took a chance with anyone. I was seeing this guy I really liked for a month. Kinda brushed him off by hinting to talk only when he’s back. He’s not replied since. So I thought I’d take the courage to message him to restart the conversation. That was a day ago and no reply. This was the first rejection of my year. If I could turn back the clock and take a risk and do things differently. I would. I’m hoping there would be more opportunity for me to take a chance on myself. The feeling of me screwing something up because of my own fear is actually worse than being rejected outright. I’m guessing I should mentally move on? I was upset initially but now feeling positive that I learned something very important about myself. I’ll onyl get better next time.
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Figuring out the problem is the 1st step in solving it. Never apologize for having boundaries & being true to yourself. In the early stages if you prefer that somebody stay in touch only when they are in town, it's OK to express that. Understand it will cause somebody who travels a lot to identify you as somebody he is not compatible with but that is OK.
Author allofme Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Figuring out the problem is the 1st step in solving it. Never apologize for having boundaries & being true to yourself. In the early stages if you prefer that somebody stay in touch only when they are in town, it's OK to express that. Understand it will cause somebody who travels a lot to identify you as somebody he is not compatible with but that is OK. I think the problem was I didn’t want to stay in touch because I felt thatI liked him too much and i shouldn’t be making this kind of commitment - staying in touch with someone for 2-3 weeks while only knowing him for a month. So I did it based on my own fear. I was scared I’d get too attached so I asked for some “space”. I guess he didn’t like it, didn’t want to talk to me about it or he had other things going on that had nothing to do with me. I dunno. I wouldn’t have said what I said if it wasn’t for my own fear. This is the kind of rejection I need to take to overcome my fear I guess
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 There are ways to compartmentalize & to stay in touch without giving away your heart. "How's your trip going?" is a far cry from "OMG! Come home soon, I miss you terribly & the nights are so long without you."
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 IMO you didn't do anything to mess things up when he probably wasn't that interested to begin with. If their attention starts to wain, you don't push for it, you remove yourself and date other people. Sounds to me things were lopsided. You really liked him/interested, and him not so much. Not your fault. When a guy really likes you, he's not going to have anything get in his way right?
Author allofme Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 When a guy really likes you, he's not going to have anything get in his way right? I used to think that but I think that only applies if a girl shows equal interests too no? I think my action came across as hot and cold and dismissive (I have more people who told me they wouldn’t get in touch again if they were him than people who told me they would still talk to me). This is not to argue that he was defo into me. He probs wasn’t too interested but I also think a girl can push a really keen guy away for sure if she plays hot and cold or just dismissed him altogether.
preraph Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I bet he writes again. He's only waiting because you told him to wait until he got back, which made him touchy. At some point, if he does return, you need to explain that you did it so you didn't get overly attached to a person you had barely begun dating. That will be more flattering. ego, ego, ego, you know.
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I used to think that but I think that only applies if a girl shows equal interests too no? I think my action came across as hot and cold and dismissive (I have more people who told me they wouldn’t get in touch again if they were him than people who told me they would still talk to me). This is not to argue that he was defo into me. He probs wasn’t too interested but I also think a girl can push a really keen guy away for sure if she plays hot and cold or just dismissed him altogether. Depends on the guy...there are guys on here posting threads about how much interest they show, ask the girl on dates, are totally available to them, and they get rejected/ghost on or just lied to and yet they keep trying. Like I said if they are interested they wouldn't let anything get in the way. Sure somethings might turn certain people off..that just shows they were never really that into you. Guys/gals come on here and say their date was always texting them, affectionate, then bam it's over. It is what it is.
edgygirl Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I do this kind of thing constantly. I push people away but realizing it’s out of fear. Mainly with people I like. What I’m trying to do is look at my emotions as an outside observer. Don’t act on them immediately. Take some time off, soothe myself and think things over again when I’m less anxious. People (men and women) get justifiably weirded out when they’re showing interest and someone pushes them away. Don’t beat yourself up but take it as a lesson for next time. Also: read on fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy and see if it applies to you.
chryssy83 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I think that instead of worrying about doing or saying the right thing, you should do or say what you want in the situation. Don’t fail to express a need or desire out of concern that the guy won’t react the way you want them to react. The bigger issue to me is that you realize that you told him not to stay in touch because you are afraid of getting too attached. Which is on you. You have to develop a healthy pace of attaching and not get too into someone from relatively inconsequential communications like some texts while they are away. But you also have to stop fearing becoming attached and getting hurt. You have to risk that if you want a relationship whether it comes early or late in the game. It’s about balance. I personally try not to act based on fear. I’ve been doing it a lot lately and I ended up with the exact result I feared anyway....which is why it’s such a bad idea. Seems like that happens a lot. I am happier and more successful with relationships in general when I just make sure to be myself without being afraid of the reaction. 1
stillafool Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I think the problem was I didn’t want to stay in touch because I felt thatI liked him too much and i shouldn’t be making this kind of commitment - staying in touch with someone for 2-3 weeks while only knowing him for a month. So I did it based on my own fear. I was scared I’d get too attached so I asked for some “space”. I guess he didn’t like it, didn’t want to talk to me about it or he had other things going on that had nothing to do with me. I dunno. I wouldn’t have said what I said if it wasn’t for my own fear. This is the kind of rejection I need to take to overcome my fear I guess No, I would think that the next time you meet a man you like you won't let your fear prevent you from going further and giving him a chance. A think if that other guy were truly interested he would have gotten back to you. However he may have moved on by now with another woman.
Author allofme Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Thank you everyone. This is actually quite a blow to me and I’m feeling kinda down about it. I guess I’ll always wonder if he wasn’t that interested anyways or I did push him away. And I hate the feeling of regretting doing something. I have never felt 100% secure with myself and have always acted out of fear. All the guys I have met previously had dealt with it more or less. I guess I should’ve expected someone who wouldn’t put up with it
Author allofme Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 No, I would think that the next time you meet a man you like you won't let your fear prevent you from going further and giving him a chance. A think if that other guy were truly interested he would have gotten back to you. However he may have moved on by now with another woman. As silly as it sound, I might give it a few more days and see if he gets in touch. Something that I’d never do. Fully expect that he probably wouldn’t (if he would, he would’ve by now right?) but it’s the least I could do at this stage to combat my fear of rejection and abandonment.
Author allofme Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 Update on this. He replied to my message a couple of days after I sent it. We exchanged a few texts. He said he missed me, that he’s still away, and asked about my work situation then he stopped texting. That was almost a week ago. Kinda expected this would happen and I’ve already moved on from the thought of seeing him again. Deleted his number and all that. One positive takeaway from this is managing expectations early on really did help my mental state at this point. Surprisingly I didn’t feel upset. Felt rather calm but a bit disappointed cos I did enjoy his company very much. We had a lot in common and the sex was just incredible. But hey, at least now I know I’m attracted to tanned skinned guys with brown eyes too lol
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