How to cope with a partner with depression

[Sammygirl]

I dated this guy for two months. He gets in these moods where he shuts down everything around him. We were doing really well, he was always excited to make plans ext. Then one day he messaged me and said he was realizing with his busy schedule that it was too hard to continue and it wouldn't be fair to me. Despite the fact we had already talked this through before. So he left.

 

2 months later he came back and apologized and said he got in a mood. He hadn't been dating or anything since he left. He just shut down.

 

He promised things would be different and I was hesitant. I called him out on all his **** and we talked everything through. He made more effort to see me and check in and he was really truly happy. He has been depressed for a long time but he was making changes in his life and I could tell it was working. We were working.

 

We've been seeing each other for a month and a half. He constantly tries to define things in our relationship in a good way. He said since he has trouble connecting with anyone he wants to do certain things in our relationship and not do certain things right away like sex.

 

Anyways, I saw him on Wednesday and didn't hear from him again until Friday which was weird. He messaged me to say that he needs to figure himself out before he can be happy with someone. Which is weird to me because when he came back he said he had figured that out. And he was happy with me. So basically everything was great then he got himself into another depressive mood and he shut me out and disappeared again.

 

I want to be apart of his life and help. Am I supposed to just sit back and accept this because by the sounds of it he's just gonna come back again when he realized he made a mistake. It really doesn't make sense to be happier to shut everyone out then he tells me later he's not happy with that. And I can't emotionally keep dealing with this.

 

He's been the best I've ever seen him yet he let's these moods take over and tell him he's not okay. Then he rejects things that he enjoys. We were happy together and all of a sudden he decides he's not. We were working together and now he just rather be alone all the time shutting the world out. Doesn't really sound like a better alternative to me. I don't want to force anything and sound desperate but I don't know if maybe thats what he needs is someone to refuse to leave when he needs it most

 

????

Edited February 3, 2019 by Sammygirl

[Gaeta]

Let him figure himself out and go on with your life.

 

Why would any woman want to invite into her life a man that has mental issues, doesn't get treated, and fills her life with worries? why?

 

Go back out there and find yourself a man that can be your rock, someone you can count on, someone that takes care of his problems the proper way.

 

You cannot take care of someone with depression, they have to make that happen themselves by visiting their doctors, taking their meds, and going to therapy if necessary. You cannot be his doctor or his shrink, you will only exhaust yourself if you try.

 

If my boyfriend developped depression after 3 years dating I'd stand by him but a boyfriend of 1 month? No, that's a stranger and you should not turn your life around for a boyfriend of 1 month.

[BaileyB]

I don't know if maybe thats what he needs is someone to refuse to leave when he needs it most?

 

It sounds like he is not healthy or well enough to be in a place where he is ready for a serious relationship. You would be wise to heed the warning.

 

It’s only been a few months. I know, it’s disappointing... But, best to know this now before you become really invested.

[Mrs._December]

I want to be apart of his life and help.

I'm going to assume you're very young. Who needs a science experiment for a boyfriend? And that's what he is. This guy is a hot mess.

 

A lesson you're going to learn in life is that you can't FIX people. You can't fix them, you can't make them all better, you can't control how they behave, you can't control what they do, and you can't control what they think, feel, or want.

 

I dealt with a nut-job just like your boyfriend. And just like you, I was treated the same way you're being treated - either I was the best thing since sliced bread, or he wanted pretty much nothing to do with me. There was no in-between. AND like you, I foolishly thought that I could 'fix' him. Yes sir, all he needed was the love of a good woman and a little understanding and guidance, and gosh and golly gee, he'd be right as rain again.

 

LOL. Ain't happening.

 

You'll likely stay embedded in this ridiculous circular pattern with him for much longer than you should, and you'll eventually look back at it and wish you hadn't wasted so much of your precious time on him.

 

Trying to fix these types is just an exercise in futility, but sadly, I think you're going to insist on learning that the hard way.

[d0nnivain]

You just let him do what he is going to do. You don't try to fix him or change him. Changes have to come from within or maybe with the help of a qualified therapist. As the GF you are not his doctor.

 

Depressed people want to isolate themselves.

[smackie9]

Not worth the bs.....

[mortensorchid]

I was with someone who was depressed and guilty ridden many years ago when I was in my early twenties and still relatively nieve (which you sound like you are). When women are in their teens or early twenties, they feel that they can fix or change a man. You must accept a few things here in this situation:

 

1) You can't fix / change a person.

2) The only person you can fix / change is yourself.

3) No matter what you do or say, there is no making a depressed person feel better or changing their situation to something better unless they play ball as well. Most of the time they will not.

4) Seek professional help - therapist, medications, etc.

5) If they refuse you and/or professional help, there's nothing you can do about it.

6) WALK AWAY from them.

 

Depression is a horrible monster, only by taking the right steps will you get better at all. If you think you can solve the problem by any other means, try it and watch what happens. I have been on meds for years and I feel great, relaxed, and in a good place. We all have ups and downs in life, but if and when you are fighting a serious condition that keeps you from being functional do you have a problem. Depression can cause depressed people to make bad choices as well, but we learn by doing. And if that person will not do their part, there's nothing you can do about it. And, quite honestly, it's not your problem either. Move on.

[bathtub-row]

For the life of me, I can't imagine why you would want to invite this kind of crap into your life. If you continue with this person, then just remember that you walked into this mess with your eyes wide open.