laelithia Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I've been dreading this for a very, very long time. Probably since I became single after a 7-year relationship at 24. I am now approaching the big 3-0 with no engagement/marriage in sight anytime soon. I am currently in a LDR, however, I am not sure if it is with a man I can see myself spending the rest of my life with (incompatible personality traits, lack of chemistry for me), and yet I can bear the idea of losing him (my best friend, many memories accumulated together). Then again, I'm not sure given my personality, overthinking/anxious brain, that I ever would feel I was with said man. At this point of my life, I find myself frantic to figure everything out, to either be with the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with and get going on building our life together, or scrap it and focus on finding this man. And yet I feel stuck. How can I figure out if my current partner could be "the one" without moving to his country and spending a significant amount of time together in the same place? And yet, how can I do so while wondering if I've already "wasted" too much time/money/energy on this person which has kept me from finding "the one"? All the while, the clock keeps ticking, and I keep feeling the pressure more and more to figure it all out. I feel paralyzed and rushed all the same time. How can I proceed?
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Breathe. That is the 1st thing. You don't have to figure this all out quickly. Can you move to his country for 6 months to a year to see if you like it? Have you looked into the immigration issues? If those are insurmountable, things may have to end. Get a handle on your anxiety. That will help more then anything. 1
Arieswoman Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 laelithia, Gently now.... What's the rush? I wish I was 30 again Read up on the theory of "sunk costs" and how it can keep you stuck in a less than perfect situation because of the time/money/emotion invested. (incompatible personality traits, lack of chemistry for me) Is that what you really want ^^^^ Counselling might be useful here, why not try it out? Good luck x 1
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Indeed. There is a lot we don’t know here, but I don’t think I would be willing to move to another country for a man with whom I felt I was incompatible and had no chemistry. I think you are holding onto this idea because you are afraid that you will not find anyone else. Fear is never a good reason to stay in a relationship. You are thirty, I was also single at thirty. I found the love of my life... it took me a while but I found him. That never would have happened if I had settled because I was afraid to be alone or in a bad relationship because I felt that he would never come along... Counselling may be a good idea. Best wishes to you.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Pardon the flippancy, But if you're feeling stuck, then your current bf isn't right for you. And if you're asking the question (is he right for me), then he isn't right. You want overwhelming clarity ... overwhelmingly certainty (which is different than being "certain") ... before you marriage someone. Or else, a month after you marry, you'll be right back on this board. So first step ... you have to figure out how to take some steps forward and get unstuck. Dating bf when you really don't see potential ... is only going to keep you stuck. Counseling and therapy are great for transition times ... 4
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I remember 30 and it's not some kind of doomsday. A lot of people are taking their time getting with the right person, and having a family. Be stronger with your expectations. This current person still can be your friend. You shouldn't risk anything over sentimental memories. If you want to get serious, then do so. Move on from this guy and get busy with life and your goals in a more confident way. 1
mortensorchid Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 You think it's bad now? Wait until you're knocking on the door of 40. People see 30 as a death sentence when it's so not. 20s are full of getting out of the teenage mentality, 30s are for readjustments and setting goals, 40s are for achieving them. It's hard to give yourself positive messages when you have had failures behind you, but you can do better. And if you don't have a man who will treat you right, there is something else around the corner. Life goes on. And maybe it's not a man, but something else. 3
Juha Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Thinking like you are and being desperate is not a good thing. Desperate people make bad decisions!!! Just because you have spent significant time, money, and emotions on someone does not mean to not cut your loses. If it's bad then spending more time, money, and emotions on them is even worse... You are in your head, thinking and acting desperate. If you are asking all these questions then he is not right for you. Sit back and evaluate this situation, maybe talk with a professional to get some clarity. Forget your clock, you are just putting undue pressure on yourself. Not having someone is not great but having someone bad is worse... Relax and live your life. Stop being desperate and putting pressure on yourself I wish you the best 2
PRW Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 The idea of "The One" is a myth. There a lot of the people that can be a good fit. Most of the others have already made good points. But one thing you should consider is not how to rush to find a good one,...but instead get rid of the ones that don't fit SOONER. You can't be looking for a good one if you are bogged down and too narrowly focusing on one that is not a good fit. Learn how to casual date, date 2-3 at once, you are not BF/GF at that early point, you are not "in a relationship" at that early point. Learn to date efficiently to make the most of your time by causally dating a couple guys at once. If you date one at a time and spend a year on each then you waste 3 years of your life on 3 guys and none may work out. But if you date 2-3 casually at a time you would using the same math theoretically examine 9 guys in that amount of time. But it would actually accomplish more than that because you wouldn't get overly attached, and would set aside the wrong ones sooner, so in reality you might examine 9 guys in a year. I used the term examine intentionally. That is what dating really is, particularly if you learn to be more wise (and slower) about getting attached to just one guy. So slower to "attach",...but faster to "move on". 4
Lotsgoingon Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 The idea of "The One" is a myth. There a lot of the people that can be a good fit. Most of the others have already made good points. But one thing you should consider is not how to rush to find a good one,...but instead get rid of the ones that don't fit SOONER. You can't be looking for a good one if you are bogged down and too narrowly focusing on one that is not a good fit. Learn how to casual date, date 2-3 at once, you are not BF/GF at that early point, you are not "in a relationship" at that early point. Learn to date efficiently to make the most of your time by causally dating a couple guys at once. If you date one at a time and spend a year on each then you waste 3 years of your life on 3 guys and none may work out. But if you date 2-3 casually at a time you would using the same math theoretically examine 9 guys in that amount of time. But it would actually accomplish more than that because you wouldn't get overly attached, and would set aside the wrong ones sooner, so in reality you might examine 9 guys in a year. I used the term examine intentionally. That is what dating really is, particularly if you learn to be more wise (and slower) about getting attached to just one guy. So slower to "attach",...but faster to "move on". PRW, you ought to create your video and relationship program with this info here ... Your response is loaded with insights and practical tips--the magical combo. Totally on the money. 1
LastStraw Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Lol you make it sound like at 30 people are close to their death bed At 30 life is just starting, my number of date potentials skyrocketed after 30 (I barely had interest in dating before then too). Regarding your BF - if you have so many doubts, you are incompatible and you are just wasting your time with a relationship doomed to fail (no, it's not going to get better if you move in, just separation will be harder). 2
LonelyITGuy Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 You're only 30. You're a baby. There's nothing to rush. The first thing is that you need to be happy on your own. Perhaps focus on YOU for a bit, which could include some IC. There's always so much external pressure to get married, have kids, etc. And let me tell you, if you rush it, you will regret it. This LDR sounds like a waste of your time. You've already said all there is to know. 2
PRW Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 PRW, you ought to create your video and relationship program with this info here ... Your response is loaded with insights and practical tips--the magical combo. Totally on the money.I've got a "Face for Radio" and a "Voice for Newspaper". Besides, there is too much of that material out there already, I'm not going to say anything that any other of the good ones out there aren't already saying. 1
Author laelithia Posted February 7, 2019 Author Posted February 7, 2019 Indeed. There is a lot we don’t know here, but I don’t think I would be willing to move to another country for a man with whom I felt I was incompatible and had no chemistry. I think you are holding onto this idea because you are afraid that you will not find anyone else. Fear is never a good reason to stay in a relationship. You are thirty, I was also single at thirty. I found the love of my life... it took me a while but I found him. That never would have happened if I had settled because I was afraid to be alone or in a bad relationship because I felt that he would never come along... Counselling may be a good idea. Best wishes to you. Thanks for your reply. May I ask, how old were you when you met your partner? Did you worry at the time about your age at the time too?
Author laelithia Posted February 7, 2019 Author Posted February 7, 2019 The idea of "The One" is a myth. There a lot of the people that can be a good fit. Most of the others have already made good points. But one thing you should consider is not how to rush to find a good one,...but instead get rid of the ones that don't fit SOONER. You can't be looking for a good one if you are bogged down and too narrowly focusing on one that is not a good fit. Learn how to casual date, date 2-3 at once, you are not BF/GF at that early point, you are not "in a relationship" at that early point. Learn to date efficiently to make the most of your time by causally dating a couple guys at once. If you date one at a time and spend a year on each then you waste 3 years of your life on 3 guys and none may work out. But if you date 2-3 casually at a time you would using the same math theoretically examine 9 guys in that amount of time. But it would actually accomplish more than that because you wouldn't get overly attached, and would set aside the wrong ones sooner, so in reality you might examine 9 guys in a year. I used the term examine intentionally. That is what dating really is, particularly if you learn to be more wise (and slower) about getting attached to just one guy. So slower to "attach",...but faster to "move on". This is sage advice that I wish I listened to 5 years ago! I'm torn about this very idea, that there is "The One" out there for everyone. I suppose I am more into the idea that it takes work and compromise to make a relationship work, and I often would rather salvage a relationship and work on what isn't working rather than find someone new just because it would take less work to maintain the relationship. My biggest concern right now is the distane, and the struggle to agree on where to settle down. I used to think Europe was the best place for me, to build roots, but lately I'm not so sure.
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 it takes work and compromiseThe problem with compromise is that no one gets what they want. Negotiation would be a better concept,...there is a difference. But I understand what you are saying. I used to think Europe was the best place for me, to build roots, but lately I'm not so sure.Not a fan of Europe. I believe they have civil wars in their future. Canada and both coasts of the US are primed for political upheaval. The Midwest of the US is probably the safest place to be as long as you stay 50 miles or so south of Chicago.
olivetree Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 Based on what you said and the fact that he is long-distance, it sounds like you're wasting your time with this guy. 30 is a great time to meet someone. You know yourself better than you did when you were younger. You have your sh*t together (usually, or at least moreso). I met the love of my life at 30, and I know of others who met theirs much later.
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