I think girlfriend is bisexual

[croak3r]

So I just got back from holiday with friends and went to check my Facebook and realized my girlfriend was still logged in. Being an ass and a little paranoid because she's talked to other guys before I had a flick through her messages and found her telling her friends that she thinks she's bisexual. Worst part is she's asking her friend if it's ok to ask another girl she knows to hook up to see what it's like.

 

 

It's total news to me, I've asked her before and she said she kissed a girl years ago but didn't like it at all.

 

 

Now I'm really not sure what to do. I feel like I have to bring it up so we can discuss it, but I'm not sure how without her finding out I read her messages? I know I definitely cant carry on with the relationship without her at least telling me about it.

 

 

 

Then there's the fact that she's thinking about cheating on me after admitting to me a few months ago that she was flirting with other guys. I don't want to break up with her as we've been going out for a year and half and until the last few months it's been great, but I feel like eventually she is just going to do it again. She lives in university, so shes always out with other guys/ girls and it just makes me worry.

 

 

Thanks for any advice.

[Fleur de cactus]

You can stay with her without trust and suspecting that she is going to cheat , it is important that you talk to her. Yes you don’t want to lose her but based on how you think she may cheat , it is not a heAlthy relationship neither. All the best.

[smackie9]

Her questioning her sexuality isn't the issue here....she's planning to cheat..THAT is an issue don't you think?

[maxi105]

hi there croak3r.

 

I think you have to really talk to her and although its not going to be an easy thing for you to admit to, I think you are going to have to tell her the truth about how you came to find out what you have.

 

finding out what you did doesn't automatically make her bisexual, she might just be getting into the trend of girls experimenting for the fun of it. that kind of thing is happening more and more these days where drink, media exposure, peer pressures/experimenting and wanting to fit in with what uni mates are up to etc...so it might just be girls who are open minded or curious but not serious.

 

 

it might however be that she is wanting to try more if there is a particular girl that is attractive for her or she has grown closer too.

 

 

kissing a girl years ago and not liking it doesn't mean that much either now, she might like it a lot this time, or she might like it but in the morning know it isn't really for her, she might be bisexual or might be not too sure about you so the flirting with guys may be her attraction drifting a bit from you, either way you really do need to have the conversation with her so you know what is going on for her and if it is could be something that you need to look at what you think is your real relationship with her.

 

 

university like any social place that you are close and see people regularly can make things intense, and as you are not there you are right to feel worried, so again you really ought to talk to her. just don't go running in there and fire a lot of blame, even if she is not sure about her feelings.

 

 

I don't really agree with looking into other peoples messages, however you have done it now, so you will have to face the consequences one way or another, and only she will know if its real or not.

 

maybe you also need to ask why you are paranoid (or why you have been....what I mean by that is although you really love her, maybe you need to think about if she really is the right one for you. im not saying she doesn't love you and its not resolveable, but I am saying if she is bisexual and you are not comfortable or if she is still flirting with others knowing you are or have been uncomfortable then you need to question deeper what your relationship really means for her 18 months onwards.

 

good luck with it. I don't know what it will mean, if could be something to think about and you might have to be prepared for a broken relationship or one that needs more bounderies, or it might be that she's just tyring to fit in with uni life and is getting caught up in the intimacy of the people she is around away from you and your home life.

 

but either way. you are going to worry anyway unless you have the truth for this post. I just hope your snooping doesn't backfire if you think your relationship is still a good one and you want to keep her.

 

I think she is the one that will be the decider on how things will go if there is any doubt for her. if its meant to be and she wants you as much as you want her still it will be ok.

 

but until you know what she really wants and is prepared to do or not do again for you then you cant really shake the feelings that are worrying you.

 

good luck with it. who knows, it might just be a girl who wants to fit in or impress her mates. see ya. maxi.

[mortensorchid]

I don't know what to make of her saying she might be bi (or others implying it), but she is thinking of cheating and that's a red flag in this situation. Proceed with caution.

[edgygirl]

Eh. I was also curious for the longest time and after doing it with other people... meh. Nothing to write home about.

 

I think it's normal to be curious and the sooner she gets it out of her system the better. On the other hand she might find she prefers women, than you will also know sooner than later.

 

Are you open to having a threesome with her and another woman? That might do it.

[BaileyB]

Then there's the fact that she's thinking about cheating on me after admitting to me a few months ago that she was flirting with other guys.

 

I don't want to break up with her as we've been going out for a year and half and until the last few months it's been great, but I feel like eventually she is just going to do it again.

 

Oh yeah, then there is the fact that she has cheated and she is considering cheating again... let’s not lose that information.

 

Look - she is in university which is the time of life when many meet and date a lot of different people. She is clearly interested in exploring her sexuality... if you are expecting a committed, monotonous relationship from this woman... you may need to reconsider. It doesn’t sound like you want the same things. It doesn’t sound like you are both in the same place.

[Gaeta]

Whether she is bi-sexual, hetero, or queer, isn't an issue if she is faithful to you. If I am into blond-blue-eye men it doesn't give me a free pass to cheat on my bf to have sex with them.

 

 

 

Break up and let her go figure herself out.

[geckojohn]

Dude you are lucky? Just don't mention anything or you might come across as snooping in her privacy.

 

How is this a bad thing?

[croak3r]

Thanks everyone. I told her I saw the messages and she was quite open about telling me how she's always been attracted to girls, but doesn't like that she is. Apparently she gets curious occasionally and I think it is something she wants to explore. I'm not sure what to do about that yet, but i know she's always going to be curious until she tries it. We actually did discuss a threesome or something...

 

The reason I'm paranoid is that a few months ago she admitted to flirting with some guy from university and only told me after he told her to. That's why I was worried about her potentially trying to find someone to experiment with. I've been through university so I know what it's like with all the social stuff and relationships don't tend to fare to well. I'm definitely going to be keeping a closer eye just to be sure, but I think things are going to be ok.

[mortensorchid]

I don't like that answer. I am just saying.

[snowboy91]

Then there's the fact that she's thinking about cheating on me after admitting to me a few months ago that she was flirting with other guys. I don't want to break up with her as we've been going out for a year and half and until the last few months it's been great, but I feel like eventually she is just going to do it again.

 

This is the part I would be taking seriously. It doesn't matter if she's bisexual - whether she is or not, she is going to find other people attractive on occasion, we're only human. The big difference is whether they are willing to act on it or not, and by the sound of things she certainly is. What you need to ask yourself is whether you're willing to be in a relationship where you know your partner is either considering cheating, or actually cheating. If not, then consider ending the relationship. If she wants to have her fun, you might as well save yourself the pain on both sides and find someone who you know will be faithful to you, and she can go do what she wants. Breakups don't have to be bitter.

[maxi105]

hi there croak3r, good to hear your update, although it must be still unsettling for you not really knowing that much more or being able to know for sure what to do, however, at least you've had the courage to talk to her so good for you there, it would only have brought more worry by not asking what she feels or avoiding the subject that you know is still there for you.

 

I think she is probably feeling bad as she knows your a nice person, but the fact is that there is still an attraction, that sounds like she might want to go there at some point.

 

but ultimately its up to you to decide as you know her and how uni life can be and it might be that you know some of her friends too (which might not help you?).

 

the one thing I can say for SURE is if you are feeling unsure about all of this, dont even go down the 3 some route!!!!!!! you will be headed for real trouble. you will not only see her having fun with another person (which some might think exciting, but from what you've said in your post already, I think it will make you more insecure), possibly make you feel jelous left out and maybe angry, and it cant be worth risking all of that and then blaming yourself when you've reacted badly. why put yourself through the disempowerment even further!!!!!!! I think it would torture you and you would keep seeing it over and over and feel even more inadequate and hopeless if you saw her give real affection to another gal.

 

3 somes are for most people and should stay for most people a fantasy!

 

you sound like a one gal person, I don't think you will get any real long term kicks from seeing her with another female if it happens more than once, I think it will really hurt you to see that side of her and you could end up losing her for sure if you mess with trying to win her back using sexuality!!!!!

 

I hope things are going to be ok, but I think one problem is with feelings is that you cant control how she is going to suddnely feel, or how a friendship may build into lust or whether someone also wanting to experiment isn't going to be just as suitable or tempting or an equal match for her sexually, emotionally or socially etc.

 

I think one of the sad factors in your post and its not your fault, but It may be adding to it all is that you are not really in her circle or world as much, just like if someone is working and the other doesn't have a job, its a struggle to keep respectful or up to date with the others world/lifestyle.

 

it reads like she hasn't actually cheated on you, just thinking about it. that isn't that much better, but it does mean that she hasn't cheated, if ive read that bit right.

 

I wonder though if she really is trying to break the news to you that she is not that satisfied in the relationship with you as much as she used to be, male partner or female. I think she is noticing others because she is bored!

 

if it were me I think I would want to know if someone wanted to be with me or not, no halves (and I don't mean sexuality in that I mean I wouldn't want someone not sure) because I think people are usually sure and usually know if they are bored or find their partnerships stale or lacking.

 

I think the fact that she is attracted to other girls but doesn't like that that much in herself for me says quite a lot, and I cant help feeling that with the best friend message suggests that an attraction is growing, maybe not for one specific person, but it is there and she is noticing more females and a few males too.

 

I also think your own feeligns about uni relationships are also telling you to be careful not to lose your heart over something that might not be as strong and as solid than you hoped for.

 

I wish I wasn't thinking that but I am. sorry. but I would love for things to be ok for you because you sound like a really genuine person.

 

but I think as I said before she will be the one that makes the choices about whether she stays or goes!

 

maybe you need to ask her if you haven't already where she see's you both in the future and ask what she wants in a relationship...not the fairytale thing of what she wants, but what will make her happier, what is it about moving on that keeps her looking, tempted thinking of anyone else other than being with you.

 

 

maybe the only consolation in all of this if it isn't the case is that you are not married with children or tied big sums of finances etc...

 

it may be that you have to look to what snowboy is saying and get to the heart of whether she is actually still thinking seriously and prepared to be with someone else, and if that is the case maybe you do need to think of ways to ease the hearache.

 

of course it maybe that she shacks up with another and isn't that into it as she thought she might be, but if she is into it and tries for a while then you guys need to split and have her figure it for herself, it might last it might not if she went off, but (if you love her and if it happened that way you'd have to think would you take her back).

 

I don't admire your situation, but I do admire very much your honesty with her and wish to sort things out as a loving person and a mature one too. its easy to pretend that things aren't the way they are if you are anxious etc....but someone ends up getting hurt anyway if you or she's run from stuff!!!!! so good on you for not coming over as a liar or a coward. she knows you've seen her phone because you were worried and its given you a chance to talk....however...I still think there is much talking to be done still....and im not sure it might end up well in the long run. but if it doesn't, in time you might meet someone who loves you for you and wants you for keeps!!!! not just someone frightened of who they might be, scared to say hey im tired of all of this. I wish you so much luck with this one, but just don't get to a point where ou are fooling yourself you can change her and she resents you and starts to treat you badly!!!! you are worth more than that, and id say it that way regardless of sexuality or gender.

 

 

VERY BEST OF LUCK. I hope she comes clean on this matter for you, as i think you deserve to know what is goin thorugh her mind and heart...good, bad, likely and realistically. maxi.

 

one final thought that you might be willing to consider, despite all ive posted about this and its upside down in my thinking!!! but one way might be to let her have her 1 night stand, and you go out and do what you like for one night with only 1 person or have a male night out or whatever - you don't discuss what has happened but then you talk about whether she still wants to be with you as a lover/partner anymore, and if so what is going to change to make things stronger together...and be open about it and see what she says, but the rules are it is for one night only!!!!! I don't know what youe think to that whether that crosses your bounderies (and its fine if it isn't good for you, its just me thinking out loud), that way if she likes girls you let her know you'd rather be with a committed girl (she might re-think or move on) and you get to indulge if you wish in something forbidden but for one night only. it might be that you end up wanting more than you have, or that you talk more and it brings you closer and feel a bit guilty and realise its not what you guys want really....its just fantasy that isn't that good as a relationship.

 

 

but I still think there is still more to talk about with her. just don't expect it to be in your favour.

 

but even if its not, you will have taken steps to meeting someone that can put you on a more honest track in terms of love and them loving you back.

 

 

im happy for you the way things are in a way, but im not sure the way things are is making you happy or can do in the long term.

 

 

TAKE CARE, you deserve better from her!!!!! (regardless of whether she decides in the end that she wants someone else or not!!!!!). best wishes, maxi.

Edited February 7, 2019 by maxi105