What happened?

[ericw899]

I came across this girl on tinder from high school. She was a grade above me so she really doesn’t know me, maybe not even at all. Two weeks ago I gave her a follow on Instagram (she never followed back) then I added her on Snapchat. The day after I added her on Snap, I actually saw her & a girl I do kind of know at a bar. I did not approach them as I was pretty down from being stood up that night by another girl.

 

Anyway, the following morning I see she added me back as a friend on Snapchat, & I messaged her. We sent like 2 or 3 messages back & forth then she stopped responding. So I left it at that figuring she wasn’t interested. Fast forward to a week later (today) I happened to reply to one of her Instagram stories saying how I thought she was so pretty. She said thank you & I said I would love to take you to dinner & she said that sounds nice. I then said great, can I get your number & we’ll make plans. She never got back to me & this was early this morning & I know she has been on. I does show that she has not opened the message so I don’t understand what happened. Thoughts?

[Normm]

You had a golden opportunity when you saw her in the bar. It was like a gift was handed to you and you did nothing. Your given reason "I was down because I was stood up" is somewhat lame. So what you were stood up by some girl who doesn't mean anything to you. Onto the next. I mean she was right THERE.

[ericw899]

You had a golden opportunity when you saw her in the bar. It was like a gift was handed to you and you did nothing. Your given reason "I was down because I was stood up" is somewhat lame. So what you were stood up by some girl who doesn't mean anything to you. Onto the next. I mean she was right THERE.

 

I realize that. But why agree to dinner, then never open my following message?

[d0nnivain]

It was a generalized agreement not a specific one. Unfortunately it was her being kind but vague. She wasn't as interested as she lead on. Sorry

[alphamale]

it's all about the confidence man. she will go out to dinner with the cute guy who has the balls to ask her out face to face, not some guy hiding behind a software program

[Versacehottie]

It was a generalized agreement not a specific one. Unfortunately it was her being kind but vague. She wasn't as interested as she lead on. Sorry

 

I think she is marginally interested at best. Think it's harder for her to say no than "lead you on".

 

Next time i think you should play it a little cooler. When you don't get a response after adding on one social media, just leave it--don't add her on another, that looks and feels desperate. And same with the moment she responds you kinda pounce with a date invite. She hadn't given you enough of a vibe that she was into you. I would say you should have worked the messaging a bit more before you asked her out--dependent on whether or not your game was working with her, i.e. flirting/connection was escalating and she was being consistent and asking about you too.

 

Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, you provided a treat ... and some potential comedy for older folks like myself.

 

I love the contact on tinder .. .then shift to instagram ... then to snapchat ... and then seeing her at the bar.

 

This is great! ... Look, assume if she doesn't reply on one medium, she's not interested ... you don't have to go chasing someone down on every social media site. Human beings reach out when they're interested.

 

She's not interested. It was just easier for her to accept a dinner than to say no.

 

I think Hollywood has a test to distinguish between two levels of interest.

 

Level 1 ... I hear about a movie and say, "Oh, I'd like to go see that."

 

Level 2 ... I hear about a movie and I immediate make plans for when I'll go and I'll contact folks I want to go with me.

[ericw899]

Dude, you provided a treat ... and some potential comedy for older folks like myself.

 

I love the contact on tinder .. .then shift to instagram ... then to snapchat ... and then seeing her at the bar.

 

This is great! ... Look, assume if she doesn't reply on one medium, she's not interested ... you don't have to go chasing someone down on every social media site. Human beings reach out when they're interested.

 

She's not interested. It was just easier for her to accept a dinner than to say no.

 

I think Hollywood has a test to distinguish between two levels of interest.

 

Level 1 ... I hear about a movie and say, "Oh, I'd like to go see that."

 

Level 2 ... I hear about a movie and I immediate make plans for when I'll go and I'll contact folks I want to go with me.

 

Just to clarify, I did not contact her on tinder, I didn't even swipe on her. I just followed her on instagram for the hell of it. I then saw she posted on instagram to follow her new snapchat, so I did. When I saw her in the bar I didn't know it was definitely her until I looked at more pics of her and recognized her face. When I hit her up on snapchat, I don't know if she even realized who I was, since my snap name isn't my first and last name. She may not even realize the guy who asked her to dinner was the same who talked to her for a bit on snap. Also I was done with her, until I saw a photo she posted on Instagram, so I decided to say how pretty she was & I figured I would just shoot my shot when she said "Thank you!" It was almost a joke when I asked her out because I never would have thought a woman so beautiful would say yes, but now that she is ignoring me, I'm really let down and disappointed

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I believe I have said in your other threads that you need to stop relying on social media to find dates. It bears repeating here.

 

It doesn't sound like she even really knows who you are. She might vaguely recognize you from highschool, but if you are saying it's possible she doesn't realize the guy who asked her out for dinner is the same guy she interacted with a bit on Snapchat, that says a lot; try to see that from her perspective. You are essentially a stranger asking her out to dinner. She shouldn't have given you a vague "that sounds nice" response, granted, but that's the problem with purely online interacting - you cannot gauge her true reaction and she doesn't know you from the next guy.

 

Try not to treat IG and SC like dating apps so much. It seems you frequently try to find girls on these platforms because you're lacking the confidence to approach them in real life. If you insist on looking for dates online, at the very least you should try to stick to apps or sites that are expressly intended for dating.

Edited February 2, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[ericw899]

OP, I believe I have said in your other threads that you need to stop relying on social media to find dates. It bears repeating here.

 

It doesn't sound like she even really knows who you are. She might vaguely recognize you from highschool, but if you are saying it's possible she doesn't realize the guy who asked her out for dinner is the same guy she interacted with a bit on Snapchat, that says a lot; try to see that from her perspective. You are essentially a stranger asking her out to dinner. She shouldn't have given you a vague "that sounds nice" response, granted, but that's the problem with purely online interacting - you cannot gauge her true reaction and she doesn't know you from the next guy.

 

Try not to treat IG and SC like dating apps so much. It seems you frequently try to find girls on these platforms because you're lacking the confidence to approach them in real life. If you insist on looking for dates online, at the very least you should try to stick to apps or sites that are expressly intended for dating.

 

Ok but how do I meet women or even any new friend in real life? I have so much social anxiety, it is a big deal to approach anybody whether it be an attractive woman, an ugly woman, a young man, an old man etc. I literally need step by step instructions because I don't know how you just go out an talk to people.

[Normm]

You aren't going to solve your social anxiety problems on an obscure internet discussion forum. It's going to take a trained competent therapist and possibly medication to fix that.

[Lotsgoingon]

One, you don't need to "approach" people in some pre-programmed way. Just practice saying hello to people and starting a conversation.

 

Also get involved in activities ... and you'll end up conversing with people without a lot of effort.

 

But you can't give in to social anxiety. Withdrawal only makes the anxiety worse ... I have a close friend who has social anxiety ... She pushes through it ... and meets a lot of people.

 

Get to therapy if this is really paralyzing you.

[smackie9]

It may be from your approach, or she was simply curious, played along for the attention, and ghosted. This can and will happen to anyone. Meh stop wasting your time and learn from this.Try better next time with someone else.

[Versacehottie]

but now that she is ignoring me, I'm really let down and disappointed

 

Awww seriously i'm so sorry. Listen, i think you just need some new different tactics. And it sounds like you aren't very experienced at all so give yourself a break and realize like anything with practice you will get better.

 

I'm not justifying that she is ignoring you but the fact is that it happens pretty often. I think you UP the chances of it happening by the way that you approached this one:

 

a) not on a dating site therefore you have no clue if she is looking to date or what her status is

b) without certainty that she knows who you are

c) trying too hard (if she does know or suspect) by jumping from social media to the next (looks desperate and stalkerish, doesn't really put you on same level as her--best to try to be more equal to someone so they can see what you are about rather than feel like you are idolizing them).

d) pounced on asking for a date without much or any rapport going on or assurance that she was also interested romantically (need to build this, which CAN be done in a course of a conversation of course but needs to be mutual no matter the time frame).

 

So to try some other things:

a) do a dating app so whoever you meet on the surface at least is interested in dating.

b)work on your social anxiety. Formally with therapy & also informally by getting more comfortable not having major convos with people but start small and work your way up. The more harmless you feel it is, the easier should be.

c) when you are talking to someone, flirt a bit before you jump on asking for a date. Make sure she reciprocates or is open to it. I think you need to look for things "building" along the way before you ask. Most girls will say no to a guy if they just ask them out of the blue without some connection.

 

I think people here can help you if you are asking during the beginning steps. That said, some of dating will make you feel disappointed for everyone. It's a numbers game so in order to find the right person you will have to deal with some of the wrong people and people who don't treat you well or make you feel discouraged. As always, i think doing the things behind the scenes that will make you feel your most confident are the best. You don't have to be at the end point of being awesome, just working on it will increase your confidence. To get your ideal person, you should be presenting yourself as your best. Plus all the things you would engage in that give typically give you confidence: engaging in hobbies, expanding your friend group, working on your health and fitness will help with all of it, including I'm guessing your social anxiety.

 

If you are feeling like people will reject you, you need to build up your internal self worth (a part of which can be done with what you DO externally and feeling engaged and aligned with the life you choose and how you live it). That should dial down your anxiety with others some (maybe not all but some). Good luck.

[ericw899]

Thank you, I really appreciate this and your advice. I know I made mistakes with this girl but honestly it's because I didn't expect a response when I asked. But once she said yes, I was over the moon excited, which is why it sucks. Anyhow, even more than dating, my issue is lack of friends, which is even more difficult because there is no app to find friends that I know of. Plus I don't know how to make friends in the real world.

Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[smackie9]

You make friends through your job or an interest. My husband made a new friend through selling Datsun 1200 parts. They just hit it off, and he's probably one of the better friends he has.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you, I really appreciate this and your advice. I know I made mistakes with this girl but honestly it's because I didn't expect a response when I asked. But once she said yes, I was over the moon excited, which is why it sucks. Anyhow, even more than dating, my issue is lack of friends, which is even more difficult because there is no app to find friends that I know of. Plus I don't know how to make friends in the real world.

 

Awww thank you if you meant that for me. Anyway, lots of good advice here. Ok first of all, while it's great to be optimistic and hopeful maybe if "you didn't expect a response" your intuition was telling at the point you asked it was too soon or too implausible. Next time wait until you have some more signs in your corner that make getting a yes plausible/likely. I think in some cases (yes possibly including this one) you just need to put in the legwork before throw that hail mary, you know? You have to do things that would turn the tide in your favor of a yes rather than hope something like it will magically happen.

 

Another thing about trying to make an almost impossible task come true without taking the smaller, baby steps that would make it more of a likelihood is that it teaches your mental state the wrong lesson. We don't want to teach ourselves that being optimistic or hopeful is a bad thing. We don't want to teach ourselves that putting yourself out there is a bad thing. All i can say is that you look like you overreached without much assurance. Basically a little too optimistic....at that stage. That wouldn't apply to forever or with every girl, you just need to learn how to gauge things better and feel more comfortable putting in the little steps that will take you to a yes.

 

I absolutely think making more friends will help you...in the long run. None of this stuff is going to happen overnight. If you want change, you have to...change (some). Gonna guess in your case that doesn't mean who you are but more that you have to learn how to put yourself out there better and find new avenues for yourself (like hobbies and ways to make friends). I think you should try some therapy or a life coach (make sure he/she isn't hokey) if you have social anxiety. If you're mainly lonely and feel like you don't have options to meet people, i think that's different and you will need to get creative or go out of your comfort zone or both. You've mentioned social anxiety a few times and it certainly won't hurt to get some therapy. I don't know if you need to believe that something is "wrong" with you though if you have a tendency to do that. Anyway it will take a little while to make changes but you can do it if you are dedicated to your growth. Be very careful of how you characterize the external events and outcomes of what happens to you as it will affect your progress.

 

Like for example, with this experience with this girl. On the surface and maybe quite literally, you see it as a failure. Failure to get the girl, reflection of what your opportunities with dating and making connections with people will be like, a confirmation of your social anxiety. OR what if you characterized it as is the point in your life which put you on the path toward the guy you want to be ideally.(by coming here and asking advice, that's one step, deciding you want a change, that's another step, gathering advice for how to handle this situation better in the future, that's another step--all in the right direction) Then it's not a failure, it's the beginning of something. The beginning of something big. Your characterization and perspective are everything. Keep writing to us. Hopefully we can help you, along with yourself, get to where you want to go. good luck

[ericw899]

Awww thank you if you meant that for me. Anyway, lots of good advice here. Ok first of all, while it's great to be optimistic and hopeful maybe if "you didn't expect a response" your intuition was telling at the point you asked it was too soon or too implausible. Next time wait until you have some more signs in your corner that make getting a yes plausible/likely. I think in some cases (yes possibly including this one) you just need to put in the legwork before throw that hail mary, you know? You have to do things that would turn the tide in your favor of a yes rather than hope something like it will magically happen. {snip}

 

Thank you once again for the kind words. I will try to use this experience as future motivation for myself to get better. This girl was a solid 10 so even a yes that didn’t go any further is sort of a consolation price. I feel like if I played my cards better I could have gotten a girl of such quality which is comforting.

 

I should mention I actually have been seeing a therapist for about 7 months now. I have made very small gains but I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I think I struggle with how therapy works & how I’m supposed to apply what advice she gives me. It feels a little difficult for us to relate & see eye to eye.

Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edgygirl]

bumble has 3 modes: dating, BFF best friends or something like that, and a business mode.

 

I did use the friend's one once and got a few female matches. They wrote me, but I think I was not in the right mindset to make new friends at the time. Not sure how well it works for males.

 

Anyhow, even more than dating, my issue is lack of friends, which is even more difficult because there is no app to find friends that I know of. Plus I don't know how to make friends in the real world.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you once again for the kind words. I will try to use this experience as future motivation for myself to get better. This girl was a solid 10 so even a yes that didn’t go any further is sort of a consolation price. I feel like if I played my cards better I could have gotten a girl of such quality which is comforting.

 

I should mention I actually have been seeing a therapist for about 7 months now. I have made very small gains but I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I think I struggle with how therapy works & how I’m supposed to apply what advice she gives me. It feels a little difficult for us to relate & see eye to eye.

 

See that's good, look for the silver lining in everything. That will help you keep going because you will hopefully see that you are getting closer to what you want or that perspective is everything.

 

I guess she could have been a 10 looks-wise, but maybe the way she treated you, i.e. her personality and character are TBD, right? You don't know if she is a good, fun person or the one for you. I guess I'm saying that because maybe you should be a bit more open to people who are less than 10 on the outside but may exceed everything you imagined about how good a person could be. Also i think you need to put it in perspective too, after all you are hoping and wanting someone to see the real genuine you, right?

 

Small gains add up though so don't discount them. That said, people who get where they want to go make the ADJUSTMENTS along the way to further their success. Since you are doing therapy, i would also say to do the mulit-pronged approach of adding new hobbies and activities where you can make friends and doing a dating app or something like that. Maybe not all at once but sounds like you want things to go faster so you need to hit it from several directions. Plus in order to "work" on your social anxiety you need to be in situations where you can put into practice what you are working on in therapy. Maybe she is not the right therapist for you. I think if you really think that is the case try someone else. I just think you need to distinguish whether you don't see eye to eye with her because what you are doing with her is hard for you or you haven't seen the outcomes yet. OR if the way you communicate with each other isn't the best fit for you. Good luck and hang in there.

[ericw899]

bumble has 3 modes: dating, BFF best friends or something like that, and a business mode.

 

I did use the friend's one once and got a few female matches. They wrote me, but I think I was not in the right mindset to make new friends at the time. Not sure how well it works for males.

 

I have tried that like once or twice, but I for guys it kind of weirds is out talking on a dating app

[ericw899]

See that's good, look for the silver lining in everything. That will help you keep going because you will hopefully see that you are getting closer to what you want or that perspective is everything.

 

I guess she could have been a 10 looks-wise, but maybe the way she treated you, i.e. her personality and character are TBD, right? You don't know if she is a good, fun person or the one for you. I guess I'm saying that because maybe you should be a bit more open to people who are less than 10 on the outside but may exceed everything you imagined about how good a person could be. Also i think you need to put it in perspective too, after all you are hoping and wanting someone to see the real genuine you, right?

 

Small gains add up though so don't discount them. That said, people who get where they want to go make the ADJUSTMENTS along the way to further their success. Since you are doing therapy, i would also say to do the mulit-pronged approach of adding new hobbies and activities where you can make friends and doing a dating app or something like that. Maybe not all at once but sounds like you want things to go faster so you need to hit it from several directions. Plus in order to "work" on your social anxiety you need to be in situations where you can put into practice what you are working on in therapy. Maybe she is not the right therapist for you. I think if you really think that is the case try someone else. I just think you need to distinguish whether you don't see eye to eye with her because what you are doing with her is hard for you or you haven't seen the outcomes yet. OR if the way you communicate with each other isn't the best fit for you. Good luck and hang in there.

 

I guess the reason I go for girls whose looks wise are a 10, is because I’m a 22 year old virgin, so of course I want a hottie for my first time. I know I’m not going to marry a 10 but if I could go on a couple dates & maybe have sex with one, I would be satisfied. But even then, in my mind girls who are a 10 need love too, so why not with me?

 

And yeah I do really want to get involved in new activities or hobbies. It’s just so hard to know where to even start.

[Versacehottie]

I guess the reason I go for girls whose looks wise are a 10, is because I’m a 22 year old virgin, so of course I want a hottie for my first time. I know I’m not going to marry a 10 but if I could go on a couple dates & maybe have sex with one, I would be satisfied. But even then, in my mind girls who are a 10 need love too, so why not with me?

 

And yeah I do really want to get involved in new activities or hobbies. It’s just so hard to know where to even start.

 

Ok, let's be 100% honest though: no matter what you want, do you actually think it's realistic that a guy without much experience at all and difficulty talking to girls in general is going to snag the hottest girl around? The thing is because of a 10 girl's outside lots of guys are hitting on her or she has the boyfriend of her choice. The thing is choice is mostly hers as a generalization. Using a 1-10 scale (which i may regret if this thread subject devolves) are you a 10 on the outside? I'm just saying if you are surface going for surface and not the investment of a relationship and want a 10 girl to pick you, as a generalization you probably need to be bringing a 10 on the outside yourself--probably a bit more leeway for guys in what they make up for with their career status/popularity status and such, just being real. So if you can say you are a 10 then yeah why not you? You are judging a girl on the external so expect to be judged as such yourself.

 

You still have the social anxiety/lack of game hump to get over though. Hot girls have usually heard it/most of it from the time they are pretty and if they have hot friends even more of it. So they aren't easily fooled, not swayed super easily just from being asked out. And like all girls, most are generally looking for a connection. Not recommending that you fake being charming or creating a connection but you will need that at some point so better figure out how to do that part of dating, attracting someone now. I think if you are trying to get a 10 to de-virginize you and she hasn't been hiding under a rock you have picked a steep hill to climb, probably out of your choices of what you could pick as a goal, this might fall into the unrealistic category. Not impossible but probably highly unrealistic. I think if you have more genuine intentions, better things will happen for you.

 

BTW, if you work on your game both in attracting girls and dating and as a human, ending up with a girl (married) that is a 10 to you is not impossible by any means. But if we are being honest there's some work to do to get to that stage plus getting married isn't on your radar yet, is it? I think you have been so not exposed to girls that you are objectifying them a bit. Maybe it's the only way you know because of not having much experience but on the other hand, one of the first rules of being personable (will help you with people, including girls) is to treat everyone as if they have feelings and hopes themselves. They are human just like you. Just like you were hurt and disappointed yesterday, imagine how hurt and disappointed a girl who genuinely likes you (a 10, a 6 whoever) would be if you mislead her just because you don't want be a virgin anymore? Also imagine how hurt a 10 would be if she knew that was pretty much the only reason you wanted her attention/to have sex with her?

 

Anyway, yeah work on the hobbies. I think you would do well with some more experience with friends, groups of friends, mixed groups of friends. Good luck

[ericw899]

Ok, let's be 100% honest though: no matter what you want, do you actually think it's realistic that a guy without much experience at all and difficulty talking to girls in general is going to snag the hottest girl around? The thing is because of a 10 girl's outside lots of guys are hitting on her or she has the boyfriend of her choice. The thing is choice is mostly hers as a generalization. Using a 1-10 scale (which i may regret if this thread subject devolves) are you a 10 on the outside? I'm just saying if you are surface going for surface and not the investment of a relationship and want a 10 girl to pick you, as a generalization you probably need to be bringing a 10 on the outside yourself--probably a bit more leeway for guys in what they make up for with their career status/popularity status and such, just being real. So if you can say you are a 10 then yeah why not you? You are judging a girl on the external so expect to be judged as such yourself.

 

You still have the social anxiety/lack of game hump to get over though. Hot girls have usually heard it/most of it from the time they are pretty and if they have hot friends even more of it. So they aren't easily fooled, not swayed super easily just from being asked out. And like all girls, most are generally looking for a connection. Not recommending that you fake being charming or creating a connection but you will need that at some point so better figure out how to do that part of dating, attracting someone now. I think if you are trying to get a 10 to de-virginize you and she hasn't been hiding under a rock you have picked a steep hill to climb, probably out of your choices of what you could pick as a goal, this might fall into the unrealistic category. Not impossible but probably highly unrealistic. I think if you have more genuine intentions, better things will happen for you.

 

BTW, if you work on your game both in attracting girls and dating and as a human, ending up with a girl (married) that is a 10 to you is not impossible by any means. But if we are being honest there's some work to do to get to that stage plus getting married isn't on your radar yet, is it? I think you have been so not exposed to girls that you are objectifying them a bit. Maybe it's the only way you know because of not having much experience but on the other hand, one of the first rules of being personable (will help you with people, including girls) is to treat everyone as if they have feelings and hopes themselves. They are human just like you. Just like you were hurt and disappointed yesterday, imagine how hurt and disappointed a girl who genuinely likes you (a 10, a 6 whoever) would be if you mislead her just because you don't want be a virgin anymore? Also imagine how hurt a 10 would be if she knew that was pretty much the only reason you wanted her attention/to have sex with her?

 

Anyway, yeah work on the hobbies. I think you would do well with some more experience with friends, groups of friends, mixed groups of friends. Good luck

 

I should clarify, I don't only want this girl for sex. In fact it would take multiple dates and even becoming exclusive before I considered it. I guess what I meant is, for my first sexual experience, I want it to be with a girl who I am very attracted to. (Doesn't have to be a 10, but I want that dying to rip your clothes off feeling) My coworkers and even therapist tell me to lower my standards, but I don't want to lose it to a girl I don't find very attractive. I guess there is a part of me who wants to show an extremely hot girl, that there are guys who want to actually get to know her. I myself am no where near a 10, maybe a 6 or 7 at best. I just want the opportunity to show a girl like this one who I am as a person, and hopefully have her develop feelings for me. I don't like objectifying women based on their looks but when you only base it off of girls online, that is really all you have.

[mortensorchid]

It's about confidence and self worth. If you are/were interested you would have asked her face to face. Doing things like that with the assistance of the internet implies that you feel more comfortable with a wall between you. People also break up this way (texts and emails) because they are cowardly. That may not be the case with you but be braver if you want someone to be with you.