Chaparral Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 You really need to find out what she is talking about with her ex. From the additional info from the other poster it looks like she is cheating. There are so many red flags it is unbelievable. Lying and treating you badly is to make her feel better about what she is doing. Lack of sex is the biggest red flag of all. Cheating women usually cut off their husband in orders to be faithful to their affair partner. In any event, you have to rule adultery out. Get a couple of voice activated recorders and GPS her car. Hide a recorder securely in her car and where she might talk to him from home. Also, check her phone for cheater apps and what numbers she has been calling. Make sure the numbers match up to the right people. If your wife turns out to not be cheating, and the chances of that are slim, she has a personality disorder. How long has her treatment of you been going on? When did your sex life go south? 1
Turning point Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I have a friend going through a similar thing. He will not leave his children but plans to leave his wife once the kids are grown. Two of his kids will be out of the house soon. The youngest has s few years to go. I totally get his reasoning and he doesn’t kid himself about what a nightmare his wife is. He doesn’t stay because he’s weak, he stays because he doesn’t want to have distance from his kids and is concerned about how crazy his wife would get if he did leave. She can go completely crazy and there’s no telling what she’d do to spite him. I understand his decision. Once a person gets tangled up with someone like that, it’s a true nightmare. This could be me. OP, seriously re-evaluate your perspective and get help sorting this out. If you're wrong about who you believe this woman to be and what she's capable of, your future is going to get a lot worse. Disordered women (and men) will happily burn everything to the ground to ruin you. They never want divorce, they want to stop your escape at all cost. Abusive women are particularly dangerous because of the social and political narrative. Society is per-programmed to pounce on abusive men, which gives a malevolent party the perfect guise to paint you with. They can do a lot of damage before the truth is detected (if at all.) They lie even when the truth would be in their better interest. As greedy and selfish as they are they prize spite even more and will screw themselves and their children to achieve it. The only way they can accept your departure is in bankruptcy, handcuffs, or a casket. The sick part is, if the source of her behavior is an affair the OP will be immeasurably more fortunate than if an affair is merely the symptom of a personality disorder.
PRW Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Just to give some perspective, or maybe a comparison...She's emailed an ex fiancé that she wants to divorce me, confides in him. She lied about not talking to him (he texted her which i saw in the car a week ago and asked about other communication which she denied) You are here on an anonymous web forum on the internet for the whole world to see talking about her to a bunch of strangers that neither you or her know and asking what we think about it,...not telling her about it,...and will probably deny it if she asks you about it. At least you both know who the ex-fiance is. Invite her to read this thread and chat with us. No, I don't expect you to do that,...just making a point.
Author gsdgp Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 yeah im seriously concerned to say the least. we have been to marriage therapy. she follows communication guidelines when things are going ok, but **** hits the fan when she gets upset and it all goes out the window. I am seriously considering ending the relationship. i agree I think she has no empathy. Superficially it seems she does, but I'm not sure she actually does. Her anger is just insane to me. She claims I've completely lost my temper when I'm just minimally upset and at the same time she's yelling, cussing, criticizing me, fake laughs.... Its terrible. I don't understand how anyone treats their spouse like that. I can understand saying something very hurtful in anger and then apologizing, but not consistent stuff like that and without apologies to boot. I've made several efforts to connect; its just not working. I can't keep this up indefinitely. I agree I'm not sure improvement is possible. I'm still trying, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I'm exhausted mentally and physically. Sex has been an issue for awhile, not always, but she's often super angry and it aint happening then. When she's not angry its extremely good. I just trying all sorts of things to try to make her happy, make her feel loved, wanted, etc. Just trying anything I can. Not many things work. Some do, but she gets angry a lot and all progress seems lost. I seriously lack patience which isn't helpful.
Turning point Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 Just to give some perspective, or maybe a comparison... You are here on an anonymous web forum on the internet for the whole world to see talking about her to a bunch of strangers that neither you or her know and asking what we think about it,...not telling her about it,...and will probably deny it if she asks you about it. At least you both know who the ex-fiance is. ^^^As far as I know, Dear Abby isn't trying to get into anyone's pants, and neither are the anonymous posters sharing their own experiences. His wife is triangulating in an extramarital affair of some sort, and he is seeking input from disinterested parties with previous experiences he may find parallels with. One is manipulative, and the other is self-informing. No comparison at all.
Turning point Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 ... at the same time she's yelling, cussing, criticizing me, fake laughs.... Its terrible. I don't understand how anyone treats their spouse like that. It's a distancing strategy; a controlling behavior that prevents a conversation from touching upon anything she'd rather keep to herself. What you might do is stop trying so hard (over working it.) Respond and engage with positive behaviors and do not respond or react at all with negative or hurtful behaviors. Don't stonewall or conspicuously ignore her, just defer rather than engage when you sense you're being antagonized, or drama is being served up. If there's anything there to salvage she'll learn what works to connect with you and the terms of engagement could be changed. If it's already over for you - then she's not going to engage with you at all and you'll probably start to see the real her in ways you have been previously overlooking.
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 ^^^As far as I know, Dear Abby isn't trying to get into anyone's pants, and neither are the anonymous posters sharing their own experiences. His wife is triangulating in an extramarital affair of some sort, and he is seeking input from disinterested parties with previous experiences he may find parallels with. One is manipulative, and the other is self-informing. No comparison at all.I disagree. There is far more dynamics going on here. It actually makes more logical sense for her to communicate with her Ex than what the OP is doing. im called a pathological liar, manipulator, terrible person, hated, etc.What if she is right? What if she is even partially right? What has life in this household been like on a daily basis for her? There is always two sides to every story and there are rarely any innocent parties. She had been close enough to the Ex in the past that she almost married him. Even if they split he may still be someone who she feels comfortable with and trusts his judgment and perspective on things. Because they are no longer a couple she can literally tell him anything without risk of judgement. So her going to him to vent about her current guy is not a stretch at all. I look at the rant of the original message and imagine the two of them at home with him "going off" on her about it. She is not going to say the things he claims she says, just totally out of the blue for no reason at all what-so-ever. There is going to be truth in what she says even if it isn't perfectly 100% true. His wife is triangulating in an extramarital affair of some sort,No indication of that at all. Ex's, particularly if they came close to marriage, pretty much NEVER get back together after a breakup. They know each other too well. If she was going to have an affair she would not need to triangulate anything,...she would just have the affair, hide it, and keep her mouth shut about it.
Turning point Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 When you're more communicative with your ex than your are with your spouse it's called an affair. The husband may have plenty of other faults but, triangulating a three way marriage isn't one of them. Her choice to stay active and engaged with the ex is the most prominent marital stressor (or deliberate destroyer) we have been presented with. 1
Turning point Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 I look at the rant of the original message and imagine the two of them at home with him "going off" on her about it. She is not going to say the things he claims she says, just totally out of the blue for no reason at all what-so-ever. There is going to be truth in what she says even if it isn't perfectly 100% true. Ex's, particularly if they came close to marriage, pretty much NEVER get back together after a breakup. They know each other too well. If she was going to have an affair she would not need to triangulate anything,...she would just have the affair, hide it, and keep her mouth shut about it. This sounds too much your own personal experience. This site is full of stories from Ex's who continue to cycle in and out of each others arms. People project and obfuscate all the time. There need not be any truth at all in what an angrily defensive person throws out at you. We should expect that it will be intended to deflect, possibly confuse, or even hurt. 1
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 When you're more communicative with your ex than your are with your spouse it's called an affair.No it is not. It is called the husband being futile to communicate with, so she find someone else she's knows (and knows her) that she can communicate with. triangulating a three way marriageThere is no 3-way marriage here. active and engaged with the ex is the most prominent marital stressorNo, it is the result from the marital stress. The marital stress drove her to this.
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 This sounds too much your own personal experience.No it isn't. It comes from known sciences of human behavor and how the genders interact in both functional and dysfunctional ways. Unless you mean my "personal experiences" of studying this stuff, then I agree.
Turning point Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 (edited) No it isn't. It comes from known sciences of human behavor and how the genders interact in both functional and dysfunctional ways. Unless you mean my "personal experiences" of studying this stuff, then I agree. I'm sure this all sounds intriguing in a dissertation, but it's wishful thinking. The person who's call you always accept is the relationship you're actually in. Marriage sustainability is directly correlated to the level of interpersonal investment best represented by communication. (Study that.) Whether he's a good husband or not is a futile question because she's not IN a relationship with him. Where the OM is her ex - it's likely she has never truly been in this relationship. Is the husband's behavior the cause or response? Given the continuing relationship with the ex, it is more than likely a response to the long term simmering stress of her vacancy. Is the wife simply a poor picker of men? Maybe, but this man's response is too easily identified with a historically known stressor. Edited February 7, 2019 by Turning point 1
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