Arieswoman Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Lenila, do you think he doesn't want to be with me? I'm afraid I can't read his mind, so I don't know. A better question to ask is "do you want to be with him?" Here's a guy who doesn't share your success and then doesn't get why that's a problem to you. When you raise the issue he then wants to back away from you somewhat - almost as if he's punishing you for challenging him. Dating allows us to find out about someone so to assess compatibility. He is now unfolding his personality and only you can decide if this is the sort of guy you want long term. 1
Gretchen12 Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 You can't talk emotions out of him that's not there. How do you know he has trouble expressing his emotions or if he doesn't have those emotions? You can't dictate feelings. That's why it's pointless to complain to him that he wasn't happy for you. If he's happy, it'll show. You can't tell him to feel happy for you. You can only tell him to act happy. And now he wants some space. I think he's telling you he's not on the same page as you and he wants to back off. So he is not a partner. Look at what he does, where's the love? Does he tell you he loves you or you just assume he doesn't express feelings? I wouldn't assume it is his personality to be uncaring. He may care for someone else in the past or in the future. He hasn't developed deeper feelings for you within the past 4 months of dating. This sometimes happen when the man didn't make a clear decision to win you for keeps. You were just there and so why not? But feelings of caring can still develop in a few years if you're together long enough.
Calmandfocused Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Op, I was married to a man that did this. I was much more successful, had more qualifications and earnt more than my ex husband. I also had good friends and family and was socially confident.... And he hated me for all of it. It started as belittling, he would laugh his head off if he happened to know something I didn’t. He used to defend himself by saying he was “joking” or that I was “too sensitive”. It progressed to putting my down, being highly critical of me and expressing hostility whenever anything good happened to me. His outward jealousy about his wife was one of the many things that made me fall out of love with him. It’s not normal for a spouse to feel that way about their partner... And my ex husband was as good as gold for 16 months up until the point I married him. Watch out with your man. After only 4 months he’s giving you a sneaky preview of what’s to come.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 He has trouble understanding your feelings on this? Oh yeah ... well just try ignoring when he tells you some good news about his job or his life. That's bunk ... and if it's true, then he is emotionally stunted and blocked and self-centered ... lots of self-centered people are genuinely so ... they don't intend to be self-centered. They simply know no other way to be. And now he wants to spend less time? Oh, he's preparing to dump you ... Show little interest and announce you want to spend less time together? ... Get out ... He's laying the ground to dump you in a few months ... And the longer you put up with his behavior (the longer you grit and bear his disinterest), the more a breakup with hurt YOU. As they say when the store is closing, "Please make your way towards the exits."
edgygirl Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Run Lola Run. Weird timing. He seems to feel very insecure about your success. Also seems like he’s immature, self centered and emotionally broken and unable to have the self awareness needed here to work on improving his ways You should also want to see him less often... like zero times per week until he fixes his jealousy issue. However, in the same context he brought up that he would like us to see each other a little less often.
greymatter Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 I think you definitely have some issues to work through about how he treats you, as others pointed out. That being said, seeing each other almost every day is a LOT for how new your relationship is. I need alone time (and so does my partner) and there is no way either of us could sustain that much togetherness (we both have kids and careers and homes that need attention and hobbies and we both work out...and we just need down time alone where maybe we are not doing anything). I have a feeling that since you brought up relationship issues with him, it opened the door for him to also share something he has been thinking about that is bugging him, which is that seeing each other almost daily is too much and he is frustrated by it. He has probably been trying to think of how to bring it up with you. I wonder if some of his irritation with you and his negative comments and lack of support have more to do with feeling burned out, and that having the relationship with you has meant little-to-no personal time for him. It would be interesting to see if he is more supportive, and less critical, if he were getting the kind of time he needs alone. Again, I'm not discounting the lack of support he provided or the negative comments, but it's possible, in the context of a person who isn't getting the time he needs for himself, that maybe he wouldn't have acted that way if the two of you weren't spending so much time together which is overwhelming for him. Seeing each other daily at 4 months into a relationship seems like fast forwarding to a level of intimacy and togetherness that is too much too soon. If you still want see where things go, I would respect his need for more time alone and see if that alone improves his treatment of you.
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Don't think for a second things will improve..they will not. This is what I always say....if it doesn't feel right, it's not. You've had 4 months with him, and you are not where you should be by your expectations. You CAN do better than him. It's pretty obvious he only has one foot in. 2
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Hi guys, I just wanted to thank you all for your responses and share with you what happened. I tried to sit down with him again and talk about what happened. All of the sudden he started talking about he is not are if he wants to be with me. He had basketball just a little bit later so he drove me home and we continued talking on our way to my place where things really escalated. He said he was with me only because it was comfortable and that he never felt any passion. He didn't want to go on vacation with me and thinks it was a huge mistake ( he initiated it). He said so many hurtful things. Apparently he realized from day one that he would never want a more serious relationship with me but just went along with it because I am fun to hang out with. I am completely broken and confused. That guy told me a few days ago that he misses me, brought me a gift from his recent trip and asked me over to his place almost daily. For those who saw my posts a year ago... This is the exact same date my previous relationship ended. I will be forever done with February 2.
Calmandfocused Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Usually I’d say believe what someone tells you, however in this case I’d advise that you take nothing what he said on board. Why? Because in my view this is what happened: He realised that the relationship wasn’t all going to be focused on him and his needs/ wants.. you see how the conversation took a 180 degree turn back to him? He’s looking for excuses to blame you and why he shouldn’t be with you. Like it’s all your fault. Er no! Typical narcissist behaviour. They like to be in control and dictate the terms of the relationship. See how he tried to purposely hurt you with his words for no reason? He wants you to blame you too so his ego remains in tact. Count yourself lucky here. Don’t believe his words but take comfort from the knowledge that he’s showing you who he is. A man whose words don’t match his actions and wants a relationship all about him. 3
Calmandfocused Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Meant to add- He couldn’t cope with your success so his aim was also to make you feel bad about yourself by his rejection. I fully agree with the posters who said he’s punishing you and trying to bring you down a peg or two. It Makes him feel better about himself. Don’t listen to him. 2
Interstellar Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 You call him your partner but maybe he doesn't think of himself as your partner. There are people who dated for 4 months but are not even boyfriend/girlfriends. Of course your family and close friends would react differently to your good news. But a guy you're just dating, I dunno...Do you love each other? How serious? Does he care about you a lot or just casual dating? If he's just hanging out with you, the guy is not going to be deeply happy for you. I guess he could at least act happy since that's the thing to do. This one. It takes at least two years plus to really know someone. 1
Arieswoman Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Lenila, I'm sorry that this happened to you But be very pleased that it happened to you a this early stage and you don't have to waste any more time with a man who isn't right for you. You need a man who can celebrate your sucess with you and who is your biggest fan. You need a guy who will take you out to dinner to celebrate your promotion/pay rise/new skills etc. You don't need some guy who is up his own @r$e and just wants to bring you down to make himself feel better. Now you need to take time out and heal. Stay strong x
Mrs._December Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Thanks for all your responses and thought! I have talked to him but for him it was very hard to understand why his reaction would upset me. He told me that he cares a lot about me and that he is proud and apologized. However, in the same context he brought up that he would like us to see each other a little less often. Right now we are seeing each other almost every day and he said he needs some alone time which I totally understand. If he would have brought it up in a different moment it wouldn't have thrown me off probably but since I came to him to talk about one of my concerns I am even more worried now... Stop accepting FEEBLE excuses for inexcusable behavior. He showed you exactly who he IS when you shared your good news with him and he turned into a complete and utter ass. And rather than man up and admit he's an ass when you called him out for his crap behavior, he turns around 'punishes' you and tells you that he needs his space. What a complete jerk. Could he BE any more bitter about your success? Why on earth you feel the need to have this albatross around your neck is beyond me. You're 4 months in. That's nothing. Kick him to the curb and find someone who actually lifts you UP, instead of staying with some asswipe who's too damned jealous and bitter to celebrate the highs in your life. 2
greymatter Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Boy was I wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry you are going through this. I do think, once you get beyond this and can see things from "the other side" that it was not going to work with him. This will open up opportunities to meet someone who truly values you and all that you have to offer in a relationship. 1
Rockett Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Sorry to hear this I know it hurts now, but in a few months you will see his behavior with a lot more clarity. I once had a guy do something similar- carry on for months like it was the real deal, only to backtrack when breaking up with some confusing stuff about how he "didn't have romantic feelings." The day before, it had been full on romance. I get that people's feelings change, but he was super defensive and I later realized he was protecting himself from future hurt/rejection. Basically, it sounds like this guy was threatened by your success and doesn't know how to support you as a partner. You deserve better. He shouldn't have said that hurtful stuff about never being serious (which I doubt was true based on his earlier behavior), but you'll see in time that this was just his clumsy exit from a situation he's (due to his own limitations) unable to handle.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 I felt really devastated yesterday and was throwing up almost all day but I woke up feeling fine. I hope its gonna stay this way. I am just angry and in shock. How can someone fake feelings for almost 4 month, go on a vacation, post pictures of us, text me every day etc. and then say nothing of it was real? What kind of person does that? The worst part for me is not the fact that he is gone but the emotional damage he has done. How am I supposed to trust people again? Everything he has done seemed so genuine. He even kissed me and held my hand when he was asleep. Pulled me closer at night and told me I am so beautiful in between his snores. I don't understand any of this???????
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Stop accepting FEEBLE excuses for inexcusable behavior. He showed you exactly who he IS when you shared your good news with him and he turned into a complete and utter ass. And rather than man up and admit he's an ass when you called him out for his crap behavior, he turns around 'punishes' you and tells you that he needs his space. What a complete jerk. Could he BE any more bitter about your success? Why on earth you feel the need to have this albatross around your neck is beyond me. You're 4 months in. That's nothing. Kick him to the curb and find someone who actually lifts you UP, instead of staying with some asswipe who's too damned jealous and bitter to celebrate the highs in your life. I should have broken up with him when he told me I was making his bed the wrong way. The only regret I have right now is that I gave him the chance to break up with me first and he did not hesitate.
preraph Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 He was going through the motions, partly for himself to enjoy it for awhile and partly to keep you engaged in the relationship. He has a problem, though, and your success makes him feel more worthless, so that's not an easy problem to fix. I guess he has to always be the winning one. Anyway, glad you're feeling stronger today. I'm always just so happy to hear that when a relationship finally becomes clarified and all the pretense stripped off and then ends, that the people didn't have children and are now free to just move on and not be bound for decades. Dating is to find out who a person is, so in that regard, this dating experience served its purpose and you found out what you need to know, that he isn't the right person.
elaine567 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Calmandfocused upthread mentioned narcissist and dating narcissists tends to go through three phases. Idealise - lovebombing Devalue - "You are worthless" Discard. It fits...
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Calmandfocused upthread mentioned narcissist and dating narcissists tends to go through three phases. Idealise - lovebombing Devalue - "You are worthless" Discard. It fits... thats insane.. How could I not see that? HOW??? I feel like an idiot.
Poutrew Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 thats insane.. How could I not see that? HOW??? I feel like an idiot. NO, you are not. What you are is young and inexperienced... that's all. It is an unfortunate fact of life that we humans only learn things well if there is a certain amount of discomfort or pain involved. And, like us tough old codgers who already know this, you will live, and learn. Now you know the signs to avoid for the next time. Lesson learnt. 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 NO, you are not. What you are is young and inexperienced... that's all. It is an unfortunate fact of life that we humans only learn things well if there is a certain amount of discomfort or pain involved. And, like us tough old codgers who already know this, you will live, and learn. Now you know the signs to avoid for the next time. Lesson learnt. Unfortunately, I do not know what signs to avoid the next time because there weren't ANY. He never complaint, was always sweet. We never had fights.
Poutrew Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Unfortunately, I do not know what signs to avoid the next time because there weren't ANY. He never complaint, was always sweet. We never had fights. Dear, those were the signs. He was trying too hard, lovebombing, and you got fooled. No human is that compliant, that anything you do is OK with him, nary a complaint - not that there has to be a fight, but yes, a disagreement or two is not a bad thing. It just shows that he is comfortable in his own skin and feels at ease with you … not your boyfriend. He had an agenda and was acting like a 'Stepford Wife' (Google the ref if you aren't familiar with it). A guy that really cares about you also isn't afraid to show he has his own mind. Fortunately for you , your Ex wasn't a very experienced narcissist yet- he couldn't hold the charade long enough to land you. Be thankful. He will get better at being a narcissist with experience because he is learning as well. Eventually, he will fool a nice woman into marrying him before the mask comes off. But at least that person isn't you...
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