MindYourBusiness Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Hi friends, I have been dating someone for 4 month now. Overall it has been amazing. We are able to have normal conversations about everything and everything was great until a few days ago. He started acting a little bit distant, but he is very busy and not the most emotional guy so I didn't overthink it. Yesterday I got really got new about my career though ( life changing news) and all he said was " yay thats awesome" and then immediately changed the topic to how great his dinner with his boss was. I was really upset and thought he will probably realize and apologize later. But instead he mocked me for arranging the pillows the wrong way and made fun of me when I didn't know the name of a historical important person. What should I do about this situation? I have a history of being of being too sensitive ( not with this guy but in the past) and I want to make sure I am not over reacting. I am genuinely hurt and disappointed though.. Would appreciate you guys thoughts on this
Versacehottie Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Sounds like he is jealous and feeling inadequate at least about your good career news. At worst, he is always about himself and you haven't noticed because you are happy to make it about him--until it became glaringly obvious when you had good news to share. I don't think you are being too sensitive at all. I do think if it's a pattern that you both have allowed you have to realize it won't change overnight while taking steps to change it. I also think, to give him the benefit of the doubt, is that some people think they are bonding (which i don't think is wrong though sometimes it comes off that way) by like you tell good career news and he tells good career news. If you think this is the case, i think you should be a bit more assertive, i.e. acknowledge his good news and the attempt at bonding ("like it's so good things are going so well for both of us") and then feel comfortable going back in the conversation to expand on your own success and feelings about it. While women are attuned to subtle shifts like that guys don't always notice what we have been conditioned to do--like support your family and friends and allow them the floor/their moment. So if it continues maybe lightheartedly call him out about it. If that's not your personality, then seriously let him know that it makes you feel bad. In the long run you want to give him an opportunity to grow and change from this (and you too by speaking up and holding your own in a conversation), but you won't want to hold the opportunity for growth open forever. Some people are just selfish and only feel good if you are "beneath". If you start to feel like this is the case, then bail on the relationship--it won't be good for you in the long run. Good luck 1
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Life changing news at least merits & celebration not just a weak acknowledgement. Him turning the conversation back to him is disconcerting. That said, talk to him about how his lack of a reaction made you feel. Congratulations! 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 That said, talk to him about how his lack of a reaction made you feel. I predict he will accuse her of being over-sensitive and make her feel like it's her fault. I know the kind! Congratulations on your career news . 2
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I predict he will accuse her of being over-sensitive and make her feel like it's her fault. I know the kind! Congratulations on your career news . Well then she will know he is not for her & she can make decisions based on facts. 1
stillafool Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Hi friends, Yesterday I got really got new about my career though ( life changing news) and all he said was " yay thats awesome" and then immediately changed the topic to how great his dinner with his boss was. Why didn't you just change the subject back to your good news? 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 1, 2019 Author Posted February 1, 2019 I did. I told him that I was waiting for him to tell me that it was a joke and that he has more to say.
Juha Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 At 4 months you really do not know this guy at all. There is much you have not seen up to this point of who he really is as a person. He may be threatened by a successful woman and can't accept his gf/wife doing better than he is. He may be a narcissist and it has not come out until now. Either way this may be a giant red flag and something you don't like, want to deal with. Hopefully by talking with him you can figure out where he is at. I wish you the best 4
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 For some men hearing good, life changing news about their gf/wife/partner's career is the last thing they want to hear... 2
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 He's jealous, and he tried to "one up" you with his bosses dinner thing. He's quite insecure. This isn't something you can fix. This is his personality. You want to make a point of this with him, then do so. I doubt it will stop him from doing it again. This is a partnership to you, to him it's a competition. Two very different people. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 he mocked me for arranging the pillows the wrong way and made fun of me when I didn't know the name of a historical important person. You've found out he's this kind of person. This behavior stems from insecurity and he will continue to behave in this way toward you. You're only 4 months in. I'd think hard about whether or not this is the treatment you want to put up with. 3
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 But instead he mocked me for arranging the pillows the wrong way and made fun of me when I didn't know the name of a historical important person. He brought you down a peg to punish you for your success. "Think you are something special do you? You are not even fit to do domestic chores and as for your general knowledge... totally laughable..." It's not good. 1
Arieswoman Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Lemila, I agree with others who say his response is concerning. I think he feels inferior because of your sucess and tries to belittle you as a punishment. Please think very carefully before you get any more involved with this guy - but also be very grateful he's shown you this side of his personailty early on, so you can make an informed choice about your options. I married someone who didn't think my career was important, (and put me down over trivialities) but was happy to use the money it provided. If I complained he said I was "too sensitive" - sounds familiar? I'm sorry x Good luck
Versacehottie Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I did. I told him that I was waiting for him to tell me that it was a joke and that he has more to say. While i'm glad you spoke up for yourself, i think you can find better ways to convey that same feeling. I think it's important to get your point across by not belittling or poking at your bf or telling him what to do. People don't react well to that in general. Better to come from your perspective that switching the subject doesn't make you feel good. Less of an attack, gives him a way to fix it. If you want to judge whether he is capable of being a more mature, healthier partner, it's best for you to fight fair and come from a healthy, mature place so you can gauge that (rather than do something that puts him on the defense where his reactions may not be to the issue at hand but to your approach). I'm not justifying what your bf did. Just trying to say that if you come across healthy and mature in your communication, hopefully he will rise to your level, be inspired to, make progress. At the very least that will give you a relatively quick and clearer way to see what is really going on. Good luck & yes congratulations on your career success! 1
edgygirl Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Some people are so insecure that they unconsciously think partner's success = "they will eventually leave me". While it's quite horrid, I think it's important to have some compassion - yes, for him - and try to get where this is coming from within him. Maybe it's a good opportunity for him to work on himself and insecurities he didn't even realize he had. I don't think it automatically makes him a monster / not worth it.
Gretchen12 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 You call him your partner but maybe he doesn't think of himself as your partner. There are people who dated for 4 months but are not even boyfriend/girlfriends. Of course your family and close friends would react differently to your good news. But a guy you're just dating, I dunno...Do you love each other? How serious? Does he care about you a lot or just casual dating? If he's just hanging out with you, the guy is not going to be deeply happy for you. I guess he could at least act happy since that's the thing to do. 1
preraph Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 He may be one of those guys who doesn't want the woman to be more successful or even as successful because he finds it threatening and feels it's one less asset he has, but the red flag is he then went about "taking you down a peg," and that is NOT good. That's a facet of low self-esteem, so he wanted to do something to feel superior for a moment. I would think long and hard about staying with someone like that. It's a deep-set issue, because low self-esteem usually stems from the years our brains are forming and is hard to change. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Definitely deal with this with him, as in get in his face and talk about this and don't let the conversation move one inch away from his seeming disinterest in your life-changing good news at work. Like, this is worth a confrontation ... it either stops right now and he apologizes and digs in and shows interest by asking a thousand really good questions and celebrating ... or you need to dump him. Now ... just a thought ... often people in your position have let guys like this get away with focusing on them (and not on you) throughout the relationship. I sincerely doubt this is the first time he has shown no interest in you. So in the future, stand up the first time, don't let this pass. There was a woman I was really into, a friend of a friend ... and she and I hung out a bit .. she asked NOT ONE question about me. NOT one! No way was I going to let anything evolve with her ... we have some work in common ... so there were a hundred questions that she could ask me that are relevant to her as well. Prepare to dump this guy. On this, I don't believe in gradualism and growth. Either he gets in line or he doesn't.
Orokotikki Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Yeahh... Exactly - he is not a partner. You're not 'in it together'. 4 months is barely a difference than 4 weeks in terms of really getting to know someone. "But maybe he'll be better and get over this together and he won't be like that!" (I know that isn't exactly what you said but its exactly what it sounded like.) If you ignore red flags, and yes this is an obvious red flag, don't be surprised by what you get. The are called red flags because they are supposed to warn you to avoid the people associated with them. It should only take one red flag. Thats why its red. If it was just a yellow flag.... Anyway, its juvenile, its common, and it does have some root in the male psyche to be the 'breadwinner'. Best of luck. 2
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 Thanks for all your responses and thought! I have talked to him but for him it was very hard to understand why his reaction would upset me. He told me that he cares a lot about me and that he is proud and apologized. However, in the same context he brought up that he would like us to see each other a little less often. Right now we are seeing each other almost every day and he said he needs some alone time which I totally understand. If he would have brought it up in a different moment it wouldn't have thrown me off probably but since I came to him to talk about one of my concerns I am even more worried now...
Arieswoman Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) Lenila, However, in the same context he brought up that he would like us to see each other a little less often. Right now we are seeing each other almost every day and he said he needs some alone time which I totally understand. So, you try to talk to him about something you're not happy about and he suddenly brings up something he's not happy about? What is this, 'tit for tat'? I'm sorry but this isn't loooking good. I would give him the space he's asked for and tread warily.... Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) do you think he doesn't want to be with me? Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) I'm not the poster you asked this of, but I will answer. NO I do not think he means he doesn't want to see you. But who cares? He's shown this is the way he's going to treat you. So you just need to decide if YOU want to keep being with HIM. Are you Ok with this treatment? Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) Thanks for your response. I think the situation is so hard for me as we are still pretty new together and don't know all our needs. He's not the best at communicating and has hard times showing emotions.. Should I give it a few days and sit down with him again and have a serious talk? What makes you sure that he does want to be with me? I am so confused and sad. Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) Because I'm 46 years old and have been in two relationships with men like this. You will never be treated better than what you have already been treated by this man. If you're great with that, stay with him. If you're not, I would leave. Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 1
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