LouiseP3 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 (edited) Hi guys, I really need your advise. Will be seeking counselling shortly to help me with overthinking things but I wanted to get your point of view on below. The boy and I have been dating for a year now. Just want to note that have trust issues because of past experiences. The boy IÂ’m with is older and his behaviour is very caring and loving towards me. Everyone around us confirms heÂ’s so in love with me simply due to his body language. His family also confirmed theyÂ’d never see him this happy before. We joke around a lot and have a chemistry that IÂ’ve not experienced before itÂ’s just so natural being around him and spending time together and I can just be myself. The issue I feel is that he calls me beautiful but others who all happen to be blond girls - amazing /gorgeous !! I feel thereÂ’s a massive difference there. I also tell him maybe he needs to be together with a blond girl not small brunette if that’s his type but he denies it completely and says he doesn’t want anyone but me as I’m the one. Came close to breaking up because of the following: he follows girls he used to date on social media which I donÂ’t understand as people I had sexual relationships with in the past are no longer present for me to watch and follow their daily actions - just donÂ’t see the point. Makes me think hes still open to them and if things donÂ’t work out heÂ’d have easy access to reach out to them? One of them reached our to him recentlY to check whether he was still in a relationship or not... he said there wasnÂ’t an issue as these girls he has absolutely no interest in. He follows this girl he works with. Says sheÂ’s crazy as sheÂ’s in an unhealthy relationship with this guy who is married however, I always had a gut feeling that he had a massive crush on her. Calls her gorgeous when describing her and likes almost all of her pics. He said he wasnÂ’t interested but one day I caught him, as he thought I was sleeping he opened his social media to stare at her selfie... I told him about it and that IÂ’m aware heÂ’s got a crush on her. The other day he saw the fiancé of a friend as she walked into the party and his jaw dropped. He told her wow you look so amazing you really look so amazing! I was really pissed off as I told him how am I supposed to feel? I didnÂ’t illicit a reaction like this from him when I got ready and glammed up! What about his friends, none of them commented on her like that because all of their girls were there! Then, on holiday a few months ago he was ogling at naked girls on the beach as they were topless... I told him looking is fine but staring to the extent that theiir boyfriends even noticed goes beyond embarrassment. I have basically summed up the negatives and my overthinking thoughts provoke me to feel anger and jealousy and I donÂ’t know what to do. I confronted him on all this and told him IÂ’ve had enough as I donÂ’t want my confidence to slide because of him and am worth so much more. He kind of begged me to stay with him as IÂ’m the one for him and on our next holiday he took everything into consideration which led us into having the best holiday ever without any arguments or issues, but IÂ’m still not sure...because of all thatÂ’s happened. HeÂ’s quite shy and is someone who tries to avoid issues and problems wherever he can. He worries a lot as well and is so caring however his above behaviour just confuses me so much and I told him IÂ’m not sure whether he just needs me to fill the blank of being in a relationship as heÂ’s in his mid 30s and all of his friends and family are pretty much settled down.. Edited February 1, 2019 by LouiseP3
Gretchen12 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 (edited) First you referred to him as this boy. And I read about his behaviour, yes indeed very juvenile, a boy. I thought no worries, he'll grow out of it. Only at the end I find out he's in his mid 30's. He won't change now. On your part, you need not be too concerned about the blonds. Some immature men only see the hot blonds as objects for ogling. They ogle because they think they're supposed to. But you are a real person to your boyfriend. Him following the girl at work, is of concern, because something may happen. Although some of his interest in the girl is no more than voyeurism, it is risky because he's not careful with his boundaries and he is risking his relationship with you. I think this guy is a fixer upper. He won't change easily, and there's a reason he hasn't settled down. If I was your age I just wouldn't invest my precious youth on a fixer. But you can give him more chances if he wants to change his ways. Edited February 1, 2019 by Gretchen12
olivetree Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I don't think you're being terribly insecure - I would not be happy dating a man like this. He might get better at hiding it, but you can't change him. Would you be happy if he stopped making his attractions so obvious *around you* but you knew how he really felt inside / what his natural inclinations are? Just knowing that's how he is would be too much for me, personally. 1
Author LouiseP3 Posted February 1, 2019 Author Posted February 1, 2019 Thanks for your response. Ha, that’s what I told him. He’s been single for so long that he’s gotten used to it! The girl isn’t in the same office but same firm and yes I refer to him as a boy as he definitely doesn’t behave his age, but then many men are so immature...!
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I wouldn't be thrilled that my SO still has past lovers in his orbit & on social media but if they were in the distant past (several years), find a way to be OK with it. He's social media friends with people he knows IRL. That is the point of social media. You can't expect him to stop interacting with all women. Your confidence has to come from you, not his behavior. Him choosing to compliment somebody else or liking her pictures is not on you & should do nothing to devalue you in your own eyes. He doesn't need to be quite so crass about it. The drooling schoolboy with the cartoon eyes popping out of his head as he ogles another woman is not cool at all. 1
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Talk to him about his behavior. Let him know that this is not how a partner is supposed to behave. He needs to be more respectful. Switch it around on him and ask him how he would like it if you were liking a guy, and openly complementing him like that in front of everyone. That just might get him thinking about it. IMO you don't need a therapist, you need a new BF. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 TIMO you don't need a therapist, you need a new BF. I think both would be better. OP you have to develop a better sense of self esteem. I am troubled by your comment that you think your confidence can slide because of him.
lana-banana Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I wouldn't be jealous so much as just completely turned off. A grown man staring and gawking at all women is so unattractive. It makes you wonder what other parts of his brain are still stuck in adolescence.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I say ignore what your friends say about his interest in you and what his family says about his interest in you. These are folks looking from the outside. You are inside the relationship and you are the one who can pick up problems, disinterest, little niggles that others miss. Yeah, I once did what your bf is doing ... I would sometimes compliment women who looked very different from my ex ... and it bothered her. I was confused because I wasn't dating these other folks or mistreating my ex. But ... looking back, I think she had a point. I was committed to my ex officially, but there was another part of me that didn't get the message--a part of me that was still out there looking. And there is a difference between calmly appreciating that there are lots of beautiful people in the world ... vs lighting up when you see someone else, as your bf did at that party. These days if I was in your bf's position at that party ... and someone walks in who looks really good ... my first move would be to tell my partner, wow, that's X over there. She looks really happy. Something like that. Or ... she looks great ... of course, not as great as you. And looking back, I was ambivalent about dating my ex ... just could not see that at the time. So my view, trust your jealousy at this point and trust that awareness that all the other women he finds beautiful are women who look quite different from you. It would be one thing to learn that his previous gf's looked different than you ... But that you pick up that all the women he identifies as beautiful don't look like you ... definitely a red flag ... A picky red flag for some people ... but to me, a real red flag. First rule of a relationship is that you want to feel valued and don't want to even have to THINK about that. A good partner knows how to make clear to you that you are by far the person he wants to be with. 1
Author LouiseP3 Posted February 1, 2019 Author Posted February 1, 2019 Thanks guys... it makes me upset... He always tells me how precious I am to him and the one, but his attention only falls on Blond girls which makes me not trust his words towards me, which sucks. He does ask me how much he needs to still do to show me that he loves me as he does a lot. It’s this suspicion that arises from his behaviour he seems to not notice. :/
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Guys like to look & what they look at isn't always real. I am small breasted woman. My EX loved looking at porn where the women had boobs literally the size of basketballs. I thought they looked like deformed freaks but hey . . . It did make me wonder what he was doing with me. He always assured me that was some fantasy where I was a whole package. Again your guy needs to behave less like a drooling school boy with his tongue hanging out & his eyes popping out of his head but you need to more confident that you are the whole package too. 1
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 He does ask me how much he needs to still do to show me that he loves me as he does a lot. OK you can tell him to stop making a point how attracted he is to these women in front of you, friends, and on social media....to be more mature with his behavior. Remember actions speak louder than words.
stillafool Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Thanks guys... it makes me upset... He always tells me how precious I am to him and the one, but his attention only falls on Blond girls which makes me not trust his words towards me, which sucks. He does ask me how much he needs to still do to show me that he loves me as he does a lot. It’s this suspicion that arises from his behaviour he seems to not notice. :/ Yes d0nnivain is right guys do seem to look at what they don't have. Be aware that men just really like pretty women doesn't matter if they're blond, brunette, red hair or multi colored. It isn't a reflection of you. However what he is doing is disrespectful to you.
edgygirl Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I'm also often an overthinker but in this case I don't think it's overthinking, what he's doing is a huge turn off, immature, selfish and shows a lack of consideration for your feelings.
guest569 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Again your guy needs to behave less like a drooling school boy with his tongue hanging out & his eyes popping out of his head but you need to more confident that you are the whole package too. But is any of his behaviour in OPs control? She has expressed her feelings on it already and all he does is make excuses or dismiss it as harmless. There is no way I would be able to stay with this guy as it WOULD erode my self esteem to have a loved one constantly giving attention to other women. There is just no need for this and he is being disrespectful to OP as well as women in general! For me this would be a dealbreaker , sealed by his poor reaction and inability to take your feelings into account and take the matter seriously. The over the top reactions and “hello gorgeous, you look stunning” is he a little bit camp or what? Why can’t he just treat women like human beings rather than objects? They almost broke up over it, I don’t see what else OP can do?? 1
Orokotikki Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Don't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. He doesn't and his actions show it. His honeyed words he gives you are cheap manipulations to keep you acquiescent until he finds some hot mess to monkey branch to, and even then he will string you along for plan b or want to make up when that relationship fails. Bail. 1
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