How can you look your BS in the eye after an EA and PA

[Lotus_Luna]

I fell out of love with my husband before the affair

 

I was just done being hurt

 

Since my affair I’m not interested in anyone else

 

Ive had offers, but OM fulfills me. Im not in need of more.

 

I have no desire to slice them up, or keep that status quo

 

I plan to eventually end both relationshipss and be single

[Stained]

Hi,

 

Yet another question.

 

This is mostly directed at MW who had been in an affair both EA and PA, but never caught. The reason why I’m asking MW, is because they tend to be more emotionally involved in an affair than men.

How is/was it possible for you, to leave your AP and try and work on your marriage/relationship, knowing you have messed up big time, and your BS is completely unaware of what you’ve done. You were so in love with this other person, but ultimately choose to end it out of guilt.

How can you still look him in the eye, kiss him on the lips and be intimate with him? How can you still look at his relatives and friends with a straight face and pretend everything is fine and has been for as long as you have been together. Maybe you’re planning the future, vacation, kids etc, but still you’re holding on to one of the biggest secrets ever.

[pepperbird]

The human capacity for deceit when they need to CYA is virtually boundless, especially when we lie to ourselves.

[Stained]

I guess I’m just a little surprised, that women can come to terms with what they did, and be the perfect wife, whilst keeping one of the ultimate betrayals locked down.

Like a mentioned in a previous post, I’d been with a woman, who was already in a relationship. I know I’ve done wrong, but that is not the case here. Now when we talk or text or I see pictures of her having a good time with his relatives, friends or whatever, it really is choking, that someone is able to act like they have done nothing wrong. I guess you can post a lot of love and affection on social media or when you are with friends and relatives, but the truth must eat her up from the inside. That is why, I would like to hear from a MW out of an affair, how she was able to cope with her guilt, while maintaining the façade. Isn’t it difficult to kiss your BS or even have sex with him, knowing what you have done?

[DKT3]

The number that can actually do it is low. We had a MW here just after Christmas (maybe a little before) who felt cornered and confessed her affair 25 years after it ended. I dont think the history of this website goes past the crash we has a few years back, but it was fill of WS, particularly WW who confessed years later.

 

Even when the marriage ends with an affair going unknown, a large percentage of women will still confess to their ex betrayed spouse.

[Stained]

I know that some tend to confess years after it happened. I’m still thinking about shortly after or a few months down the road. How are you able to make a 180 and try to cope with your never knowing husband? Can you simply roll things off your back, when people tell you, that you and your H look so good and great together, knowing you have betrayed him big time.

[elaine567]

The reasons behind having affairs are complicated.

Read "The Infidelity Megafecta" - Google it.

 

When the affair is less about sex or "love" but more about avoidance of issues within the marriage, power and control struggles, manipulation, entitlement, retribution .. etc. it is not difficult to see why the MW may cheat, lie and cover it all up, without feeling any guilt whatsoever...

 

The survival instinct is also strong, hence the ability to act like nothing is going on.

[DKT3]

Taking responsibility for your actions doesn't constitute a fight for survival. MW go back because they fear going alone, not to survive.

[elaine567]

There is no fight, just an instinct to make sure everything on the surface appears "normal" in order to keep her secret undiscovered.

Any wrong move may expose her, so she keeps the facade up.

It is in her best interests to do so.

[Lotus_Luna]

It was easy

 

He finally had to face the reality of our relationship and the damage he had done to it.

 

I hadn’t loved him in a long time and he was so awful to me I didnt feel guilt. Just sadness that our marriage was a farce, it was a lie... it wasnt a marriage...

[Stained]

It was easy

He finally had to face the reality of our relationship and the damage he had done to it.

I hadn’t loved him in a long time and he was so awful to me I didnt feel guilt. Just sadness that our marriage was a farce, it was a lie... it wasnt a marriage...

 

Since I don’t know your backstory, I’m going to make some assumptions. So because you felt like your marriage was a farce, you decided that since it was pretty much dead in the water, you might as well look outside your marriage to find some sort of happiness.

I guess you did, fell in love and had an affair for some time. Then one of you called it off, and you had to return to “real” life again.

I guess your BS is complete ignorant to what you have done. Were you able to heal some of the wounds in your marriage, and still not tell him? Were your just “pretending” but burning up inside? How did you feel, when he kissed you, told you he loved you and things like that? Were you even able to sit down and plan the next holiday – Just the two of you?

I guess what I’m looking for here is, how people (women, who were very emotional involved with another man) could just say – “Well, that was it – Now I’ll return to hubby, and try and work things out” “Now, I will just post loads of pictures on FB, to show everyone how happy we are”

[DKT3]

Not all women have the same mindset. Most men dont detract from their wives when they have an affair. Some women dont(the percentage is much smaller). Those that have been or had to create emotional distances in the marriage tend to have a much more difficult time.

 

I believe that the OW in this situation never detached, maybe she was angry with her husband, or unhappy with parts of the marriage yet stayed connected with her husband.

 

If I'm being honest, that happens when the MW is a seasoned cheater or has a man like ability to compartmentalize. Most women think they can but cant, most simply replace their husband with the other guy, I dont believe that happened here.

[Stained]

Sorry for the late response.

It still strikes me as “nearly impossible”, when you have had certain feelings for someone else and gone the whole nine yard, to simply bury these feelings and return to your partner, as nothing has ever happened. I’m not talking about a ONS, which would be easier to move past, but a long term affair is another story. If you, as a woman has been in a LTA but wants to end things to give hubby a second chance, but never tell him the truth, seems both disrespectful and even more selfish than when you got involved in an affair. I completely understand the urge to try again with your boyfriend/husband and I totally respect that. I would just think that you would have to come completely clean to do so. Otherwise, a MOW would, simply put, just work on the relationship, based on what he knows and not the truth. He will never fully understand how much pain she was in and what their relationship, communication or lack of it, had her driven to do.

[Prudence V]

My H and I are friends with a couple where the W had an A with an OM and came very close to leaving her H for him. They have two kids who were still in school at the time, and it was for that reason she eventually broke it and ff with the OM and stayed with her H. The kids have long since grown and moved out; she and her H have both retired but continue to work, post-retirement, partly because that’s the dynamic they’ve always had in their M.

 

He doesn’t know about the A - AFAIK. If he does, he’s never let on to a soul. She’s way out of his league, and he knows it, and I suspect if he did know he’d just suck it up and be glad she stayed. She doesn’t regret staying, though she sometimes wonders what would have happened had she left. She was incredibly supportive of my H and I during our A, and in a sense allowed herself the vicarious joy of seeing things work out for us when she knew they couldn’t / didn’t work out that way for her.

 

She and her H know their M isn’t perfect, but they work at keeping things afloat and having fun together, since those are the choices they’ve made.

[CantGetEnuff]

You can love many different people in a romantic way, and yes you can love multiple people romantically at the same time. Just look at every other romantic comedy movie ever made. It's the freakin' universal trope of "Oh he's great, but then he's great too. However will I choose betwixt them?" And they use the trope because it's something most of us have experienced in life.

 

(I think betwixt is a word...I will skip google).

 

The whole, "I love you with all my heart and it will always only be you not matter what" idea of love is BS. As Don Draper said, "What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons."