Did this guy want to just hook up with me or date me?

[Highroller107]

I met this guy while I was at a swing dancing event. He was checking me out and he approached me. He chatted a little, he asked for my number, wanted to hang out right after dancing, but I couldn’t. We arranged a date, he was from the area, but lived a state away, more like an 7-8 hour drive. On our date, we got to know each other asked me my goals and if I wanted kids, then towards the end asked me about sex. What I liked, etc etc. I was hesitant about him coming over, he then started suggested we do it in a car. I just said he can come over, we had had sex, after that, we hung out for 2 more days and kept in contact before he left for school. I brought up the subject, if he was going to date other ppl there, he told me he was, b/c he doesn’t want long distance. He still kept in touch but then after he started talking to another girl and wanted to see where things go with her. I got a little upset, he could sense that, decided that we shouldn’t talk. Now I’m beating myself up as to what I did wrong and why he didn’t want to date me. I for sure that he wanted to date me , I mean why would he go through all the trouble to approach me when he lived out of state? And if he wants a hook up couldn’t he have found one in the city he lives in?

[Mrs._December]

Now I’m beating myself up as to what I did wrong and why he didn’t want to date me. I for sure that he wanted to date me , I mean why would he go through all the trouble to approach me when he lived out of state? And if he wants a hook up couldn’t he have found one in the city he lives in?

Oh jeez.

 

The only thing 'wrong' that you did was be naive enough to actually think this guy wanted ANYTHING more than a hookup from you.

 

I'm just being honest with you. He liked you, was attracted to you, and was in your area. It's no skin off his back to use his spare time seeing you - especially if he ends up getting some action, right? And sure enough, at the end of your date, Prince Charming starts wanting to talk about sex and actually asks you to lower yourself by having sex in the damned car with him. Why on earth you didn't kick him out of the car at that point is beyond me. Talk about a classless pig.

 

He got what he came for over the next couple of days before returning home. He never had anything more in mind than a good time with you. I mean, it's not rocket science. For what it's worth, anytime some mouth-breather wants to talk to you about sex on your FIRST date, that's a huge, glaring red flag. Next time, don't fall for it.

[Highroller107]

But he was such a gentlemen...that first night he came over, he said that we didn’t have to have sex if I didn’t want to. I was attracted to him, so we did it. And while we were on our date he said we could keep in touch afterward. So I thought he liked me and that there was a future there. So, if a guy starts talking about sex at the end of the first date, they don’t want to date the girl?

[stillafool]

I honestly think he just wanted to hook up with you and have sex. He is now in a relationship with someone else. You wanted to have sex with him too so no loss here.

[Mrs._December]

But he was such a gentlemen...that first night he came over, he said that we didn’t have to have sex if I didn’t want to. I was attracted to him, so we did it. And while we were on our date he said we could keep in touch afterward. So I thought he liked me and that there was a future there. So, if a guy starts talking about sex at the end of the first date, they don’t want to date the girl?

You've very sweet but SO naive.

 

Did he NOT try to get you to have sex in the car before you even brought his lying ass home with you? So big deal, he tried to appear like Mr. Nice Guy once you got to your house when he said, "we don't have to have sex if you don't want to." Yet, he was trying to get sex in the car, so exactly when did he suddenly become all concerned with what YOU want? Pffft. What a complete phony.

 

He was ALL about getting sex that night and if you'd said no, he would have spent the next two or three hours trying to convince you otherwise. Just because these guys SAY something in a 'sweet' voice doesn't mean they actually mean it. They just want you to think they mean it.

 

You'll eventually be able to spot these ass-holes long before you get naked with them.

[Andy_K]

But he was such a gentlemen...that first night he came over, he said that we didn’t have to have sex if I didn’t want to. I was attracted to him, so we did it. And while we were on our date he said we could keep in touch afterward. So I thought he liked me and that there was a future there. So, if a guy starts talking about sex at the end of the first date, they don’t want to date the girl?

 

He told you what you wanted to hear, and what he (correctly) thought would get your guard down. The thing about guys who cold approach you like this... is that they've probably done it before. A lot. And they're better at reading you than you are at reading them.

 

It's not always going to be the case that if the topic of sex comes up on the first date he doesn't want to date you. But depending on the context of how it was brought up, it can be a red flag.

 

The reason you'll often get the advice not to sleep with guys early on is because most who are looking for an easy mark will instead put their efforts elsewhere with someone easier, whilst someone who genuinely likes you will continue to want to see you. If you're an excellent judge of character, then by all means sleep with guys straight away. If you're not, you may want to err on the side of caution if you don't want to feel led on or used.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't do anything wrong per se. He never wanted a long distance relationship. He wanted fun while he was in town but he wanted to be free once he got back to school. Whether you slept with him or not the result would have been the same. He never wanted to date you or be exclusive. He wanted a hook up.

[Highroller107]

Well, after our first date, he wanted to come over the next day to cuddle and watch a movie. And we did that. I inititated contact with him to hang out the third time, however I thought it was weird that he told me that he “didn’t feel like having sex” that we could just watch another movie, and even when he told me he would love to see me before he leaves , I kind of sensed that he was backing out of hanging out again. He agreed to hang out again anyway. But then I changed my viewpoint on that because he texted me something cute 2 days before he left town.

[Mrin]

You didn't do anything wrong per se. He never wanted a long distance relationship. He wanted fun while he was in town but he wanted to be free once he got back to school. Whether you slept with him or not the result would have been the same. He never wanted to date you or be exclusive. He wanted a hook up.

 

This. 100%

[fred123]

Well, after our first date, he wanted to come over the next day to cuddle and watch a movie. And we did that. I inititated contact with him to hang out the third time, however I thought it was weird that he told me that he “didn’t feel like having sex” that we could just watch another movie, and even when he told me he would love to see me before he leaves , I kind of sensed that he was backing out of hanging out again. He agreed to hang out again anyway. But then I changed my viewpoint on that because he texted me something cute 2 days before he left town.

 

what cute thing did he text u?

[Highroller107]

You didn't do anything wrong per se. He never wanted a long distance relationship. He wanted fun while he was in town but he wanted to be free once he got back to school. Whether you slept with him or not the result would have been the same. He never wanted to date you or be exclusive. He wanted a hook up.

 

Well why did he ask me if I wanted kids? And my life goals? Aren’t those date questions for serious contenders? Or was he smooth talking? I can’t seem to tell the difference now a dayS

[d0nnivain]

Sounds like smooth but it also sounds like you didn't ask him very many Qs. The minute he suggested having sex in a car you should have recognized this as a hook up.

[Highroller107]

You've very sweet but SO naive.

 

Did he NOT try to get you to have sex in the car before you even brought his lying ass home with you? So big deal, he tried to appear like Mr. Nice Guy once you got to your house when he said, "we don't have to have sex if you don't want to." Yet, he was trying to get sex in the car, so exactly when did he suddenly become all concerned with what YOU want? Pffft. What a complete phony.

 

He was ALL about getting sex that night and if you'd said no, he would have spent the next two or three hours trying to convince you otherwise. Just because these guys SAY something in a 'sweet' voice doesn't mean they actually mean it. They just want you to think they mean it.

 

You'll eventually be able to spot these ass-holes long before you get naked with them.

 

Soo..when he told me that he wanted me to visit him that was also a lie? Or did those plans fell through b/c he met someone else. Surely if he told me he wanted me to visit him I thought there was something more happening

[smackie9]

it's a hookup.

[preraph]

He's just wanting sex with as many women as possible and willing to travel for it. He's probably not single and likely has at least one person waiting for him at home.

[stillafool]

Well why did he ask me if I wanted kids? And my life goals? Aren’t those date questions for serious contenders? Or was he smooth talking? I can’t seem to tell the difference now a dayS

 

Those are just general questions in my opinion. I'm a woman and I ask other women those questions. Those are getting to know you questions.

[d0nnivain]

He'd probably be fine with you visiting him, having sex & then you going away again.

 

He never wanted more then a fling.

[Zahara]

Asking you about sex on first date = hook up. Asking to have sex in the car on first date = hook up. Telling you he is going to pursue other women as he does not want long distance = hook up.

 

There are men that will tell you what you want to hear and be on their absolute most charming behavior when they’re trying to get what they want. Case in point - you fell for some questions and sweet words. Now he’s gone poof. This a valuable lesson for you. Words are easy.

 

In the future, implement stronger boundaries for yourself. Invest your time getting to know someone rather than falling for the first thing a man says to you. And when you see a red flag (there were a few here) you should exit.

 

If you want a relationship, hold off on the sex. It usually clouds the brain and puts you in a vulnerable position.

[Blanco]

I'm not at all a player, but if I were looking to have a casual hook-up or sleep with someone for the first time, and I wasn't absolutely certain they were down, I'd probably also say something meant to disarm. (i.e. we don't have to have sex)

[Highroller107]

Asking you about sex on first date = hook up. Asking to have sex in the car on first date = hook up. Telling you he is going to pursue other women as he does not want long distance = hook up.

 

There are men that will tell you what you want to hear and be on their absolute most charming behavior when they’re trying to get what they want. Case in point - you fell for some questions and sweet words. Now he’s gone poof. This a valuable lesson for you. Words are easy.

 

In the future, implement stronger boundaries for yourself. Invest your time getting to know someone rather than falling for the first thing a man says to you. And when you see a red flag (there were a few here) you should exit.

 

If you want a relationship, hold off on the sex. It usually clouds the brain and puts you in a vulnerable position.

 

He just seemed like a nice guy...he even told me the last night we hung out that he was going to miss if he didn’t see me. Geez. I mean he was still nice after we did the deed. And we did keep in touch for about a month after he left.

[Zahara]

He just seemed like a nice guy...he even told me the last night we hung out that he was going to miss if he didn’t see me. Geez. I mean he was still nice after we did the deed. And we did keep in touch for about a month after he left.

 

My mailman seems nice but I don’t really know him because our interactions are very limited. You hardly knew this guy - rephrase - you knew zip about this guy so “seemed” nice isn’t reliable.

 

Again, there are guys that will feed you sweet words to keep the benefits coming in. He’ll miss you but would rather date other women. That tells you his words mean nothing.

 

Of course he was nice after the deed. Why would he not be nice when he knows it would be a plus keeping you on the side for sex the next time he visits. He kept contact hoping to keep it alive so that there would be the potential to hook-up when he needed it.

[Ruby Slippers]

The reason women often wait to have sex is they want to make sure the man is serious about commitment before taking that step. In the future, get to know him better first and you can avoid these feelings.

[c1nderella]

ugh what an 4sshole! When a guy just wants sex they will tell you anything you want to hear and offer you the moon and the starts...trust me this happens to me too. Doesnt matter how much of a gentleman he pretends to be, hes probably faking it to get what he wants. Block this ****er because he probably will text you or call you telling you he "misses you" when the other girl isnt putting up. Trust me.

[basil67]

Not too long ago, you were "]looking for a FWB Given how confused and understandably upset you are in a situation which was only going to be about sex, are you sure you want a casual thing?

[edgygirl]

There was a time I didn’t think much of having sex early on if I felt like it. I remember discussing in therapy “what’s the problem, I’ve got boyfriends that way” and my therapist looking at me as if I was crazy. But she was right.

 

Years of dating gave me perspective. Many men will say anything to get in your pants. The worst ones know just what to say. Obviously what happened with you.

 

Your problem is assuming that because of a couple of cute phrases the guy will be into you and want to date you. Men compartamentalize sex. We get emotionally involved. They (mostly) don’t, specially not because of sex. To avoid pain and disappointment in the future, read a lot of posts here and be sure to withhold sex until you know where things are going and whether you’re on the same page. ASK them what they are looking for and see if their actions follow. Talk about exclusivity before having sex if that’s important to you.

 

Most of all, stop falling for cute phrases and stop assuming someone will want to date you only cause they spend a couple of fun days with you.

Edited February 1, 2019 by edgygirl