Boyfriend set to move in, doesn’t know my family is crazy

[Mx12345]

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. I love him very much and I see a future with him. I own my own home and he rents a house about 10 minutes away. His lease is up in June and he has to give a 60 day notice if he’s not renewing the lease. We have had some long conversations about it and have decided that we are ready for the next step; he will move in with me when his lease is up.

 

I have a confession though, there is a part of my life that I have only skimmed telling him. He has a right to know these things before he moves in, but I truly see a future with him and I don’t want him running for the hills when I tell him.

 

He has met my two sisters and my dad on many occasions. He has only met my mom once briefly and has never met my brother. I’ve kept them apart on purpose and have only told my boyfriend vague things about them.

 

My brother is a drug addict. Him and I were super close for years but as he started using harder drugs like meth, he started to become violent. He’s been to rehab three times in the past five years but it’s never helped. In the past few years my brother has lost his business, his wife divorced him, and I last I heard he was living out of his truck. I have not personally spoken to my brother in two years. This was after a few years of giving him chances after chances. He owes almost everyone in our family money that at the time he said he was going to use to make payroll for his employees but would really use for drugs. The things he has said and done to me and my other siblings I could write a book about. I know addiction is a disease and it was very hard to turn my back on him, but for my own sanity and my safety I eventually just cut him out of my life two years ago. My mom however still has the mentality that he can be saved. This past summer she let him borrow her car and he didn’t return it for a few weeks. He couldn’t be contacted and his phone was off. Finally the police contacted her that her vehicle had been found and that it was totaled. He showed up at her house completely out of his mind begging for money. She felt sorry for him and let him stay on the couch. When she awoke the next day he had stolen money and other items of value from her and left.

 

I purchased my home a year ago and to my knowledge he doesn’t know where I live. Most recently just a few days ago, my brother contacted my mom saying that he had been by my old apartment and that he needed to find me. My mom says she didn’t give him any information. I’m seriously fearful that my brother will find out where I live and try to rob me.

 

My boyfriend does not know any of this. I told him at one point that I don’t speak to my brother anymore because we had a falling out. That’s the extent he knows.

 

My mother is another story. My mom has bipolar/ personality /manic depressive disorders. She’s never been officially diagnosed because she refuses to go to the doctor, she has not been to a doctor in over 20 years. Growing up my mother was always very depressed she rarely ever worked and she would just sleep in bed all day. My sisters and I would go grocery shopping for ourselves and use food stamps to buy food. Then we would cook ourselves dinner, and wash our own clothes in the bathtub with soap. We didn’t have a car and we would ride the bus or walk everywhere. Our mother was also not nurturing or loving, we never got hugs and we were never told we were loved. My brother, who has a different dad from me and my two sisters, was 10 years older than us and lived with our grandparents.

 

I worked hard all through school and ended up getting a full scholarship to go to college. I’ve worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. For a few years now I pay a lot of my mothers bills. I pay her car insurance, her cell phone, I give her visa gift cards for groceries all the time, I pay for any major car repairs, I bought her entire living room set and her kitchen set, and just recently I bought a new car even though I didn’t want to and gave her my old car because my brother totaled hers.

 

The reason I’ve kept her and my boyfriend apart is because she’s very mean. She’s not really grateful for anything that I do for her and it’s more expected. When I had a boyfriend in college, I think she was jealous of our relationship as that was my first serious relationship. And she would say mean and hurtful unwarranted things about him. Since that time I’ve never really brought anyone close around her because I don’t want her saying hurtful things. In years past she has said things like asking my sisters if I was a stripper because I seem to have more money than I should, publicly commenting on a photo on Facebook asking if I’m pregnant because I look chubby, and after getting a Raise from my company saying that they pay me too much money to do such an easy job.

 

My boyfriend has no idea that I financially provide so much for my mother. I’m actually in contact with my mother quite often whether through text message or going over to her house to give her a visa gift cards. But if you were to ask my boyfriend he would probably say that my mother and I don’t see or talk to each other that often because I normally do all of this when he’s not around.

 

I’m embarrassed by my family. My boyfriend has such amazing parents. In the year we’ve been together his mother has treated me like her own daughter. My boyfriend grew up, upper middle class, had his entire college paid for, was given a car at sixteen.

 

My boyfriend is set to move in with me in 4 to 5 months and I have no idea how I’m going to tell him all these things. I also have no idea how I’m going to explain to him why I haven’t said anything about any of this for over a year now. He also has no idea about how poor I grew up, that I spent most of my childhood in a housing project or that when I was born we technically lived in a shelter for families. My boyfriend knows that I didn’t grow up Rich but he just doesn’t know the extent of how poor we actually were.

 

I’m a very honest loyal girlfriend in all other aspects. I even joke with my sisters that the reason why I don’t let him in on this part of my life is that I’m protecting him. When he moves in though I feel like he has a right to know these things. Hell, he has a right to know before he moves in.

 

I want to marry this man, but I don’t want him to run away because I have such a difficult family situation. How do I even begin to have this conversation?

[Rayce]

Kudos for doing so well yourself first of all. I come from a dysfunctional family myself and I have read nothing in your post that should scare your guy away. I opt for just telling him. It sounds like you have enacted some really good boundaries so make sure to accent that when talking about the situation. I think if you open up to your guy he will be understanding. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

I think you are over worrying. Every family has its secret. You grew up poor and it made you resourceful and strong, you should be proud, you're coming from nothing and built yourself up on your own. That is the type of person I'd want as a partner way than someone that had it all handed to him all his life.

 

 

 

As for your brother and mother yes tell him, with no shame, we don't pick the family we're born in. He needs to know in case your brother ends up knocking at your door and what ever you do with your mother like give her money and purchase assets it's your business. He doesn't have to get involved in your family dynamic. You're afraid your mom will bad mouth him then don't bring him around that's all.

 

 

 

If the man loves you that confession won't make him blink an eye.

[smackie9]

This dysfunctional family/up bringing you are hiding from him is no reflection of you, so there is no reason not to tell him. This has never effected him negatively, nor will it in the future. You have a very positive spin on this too, that you rose above it and chose a better path, so give yourself some credit. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

 

 

He knows something is up, he's just being patient about it. You are worrying for nothing.

[preraph]

You need to tell him about it before he makes this decision. Your brother could be a big problem, so what if your bf is home and he shows up, which is probably inevitable, and he just lets him in because it's your brother?

 

So you know you need to tell him all this. It won't keep him from moving in. But he needs to know or it will be your own fault when you get robbed.

[smackie9]

I know you are a caring person, but there is a time you need to draw the line with your charity. I know that when or if you and your BF get married, buy a house, have children, you shelling out money, etc your mother could end up being a sores spot in your relationship.

 

 

 

Since his family and him are well of so to speak, it's possible your mother might see this as a more profitable situation and demand more from you.

 

 

 

So plan things carefully and keep your priorities in check.

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, there are no perfect families ... all families have problems ...

 

Don't compare your family to some fake perfect family out there.

 

 

So yes:

 

1. Your bf deserves mention of your brother, especially since you fear your brother might rob you. Not sharing that information, not allowing him to protect himself, is a serious betrayal. (Doesn't matter if you don't think brother will follow through ... the fact that the worry came to your mind ... is significant.)

 

2. You need to come clean about your relationship (and ongoing entanglement) with your mother ... and news to you ... your relationship with your mom--not addicted brother--is likely to be the problem you face in protecting your relationship with your bf. I've seen so many cases of people in your position who prioritize ongoing and chaotic helping of a family member to the detriment of their romantic or marriage partner.

 

Long term: If you want to protect your relationship with bf, get to therapy to learn how to say no and place limits on mom ... or hire someone she can go to for money and purchases (even if you provide the money)... Trust me, this dynamic does not change on its own ... and doesn't change just because a guy is living with you ... or even if you get married!

 

Now here's some fun. After you reveal your two issues, ask bf what family info or info from his personal life he can share with you. Trust me, he has his own thing--maybe not as involved and obvious as the relationship with your brother and your mom. But he's got something. We all do! Don't fall for the sense that he's making an exception for your strange family. Lots of families have problems. And just to be clear, you have NOTHING to apologize for ... but ... your challenge will be to carve out space for your relationship with him to flourish.

 

Family issues aren't the relationship-killing problem. Entanglement with and helplessness about family issues is the problem.

[edgygirl]

Aren’t all families crazy?

 

But seriously - you’re not to blame for your brother actions. Also, addiction is a biatch. I hope he finds a way to get out of it.

 

I’m one that doesn’t care about someone’s family - if they’re crazy, abusive or weird. If my partner is a good person that’s all that matters. I don’t think he will be as horrified as you think he will.

[Mx12345]

I want to thank everyone for the advice. I know everyone says that all families have issues, but I always seem to date guys with such normal loving families. it makes me so self conscious that if I tell them about my family or my upbringing, they will think less of me. I know when I sit down and tell my boyfriend my family situation, he won’t love me any less. I just need to stop waiting and actually talk to him about it.

 

Some people mentioned the real issue going forward will be me financially providing for my mom. I have thought about this numerous times, but this is the first man in many years that I can see myself marrying, to where it could actually be an issue.

 

I make slightly more than my boyfriend. Not by much, but more nonetheless. My mindset, should we actually talk about marriage, is to reassure him that he will never have to provide for my mother. This is something I choose to do and he is in no way responsible for contributing. I would never contribute to my mom if I couldn’t contribute to my own household first. This is true whether I’m married or not. I do have the financial means to do so, and I will continue to until some other option comes along. My mother doesn’t get luxuries. She doesn’t have cable or internet. She can’t afford them and it’s not something I’m willing to pay for. I provide the necessities for my mom that she can not provide herself; food (she barely gets any food stamps), a phone so I can contact her, and a vehicle that’s paid off. And I only gave her the car and bought a new one because I was tired of picking her up every week and taking her to run errands. I work late nights and it was becoming too much for me.

 

I do worry that should my boyfriend and I go down the marriage road, my giving my mom money might cause an issue. But I guess at that point I’ll have to deal with it then.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can work out giving mom money ... and (over time) let go the embarrassment about your family. But let's go one step at a time.

 

Yes you want to tell bf about mom and about brother ...

 

Schedule a meeting, a dinner ... a visit to a bar ... tell bf you need three hours to tell him something important. Just say it's not an emergency and you're not breaking up. You just want his full attention. Go to a location you love. Heck if you've got a park you love walking around with bf, you can tell him your story there. Find a location that you love! ... You want that strength of familiar ground beneath your feet.

 

And tell your story ... cry if you wanna cry ... say you're embarrassed if you're embarrassed. Don't try to impress him. You've already impressed him ... or else he wouldn't be dating you. Actually your family story will likely (if he's a good guy) leave him in greater awe of you and how much responsibility you have taken on and how much kindness you have showed towards a mom who refuses medical care ... and gets robbed by an addicted son she shouldn't trust. And wow, that you were able to achieve so much even though your family had its troubles. If the guy isn't dazzled or in tears, slap him!

 

In a different situation, a woman friend of mine called me and said she needed to talk about her life, and she shares all this stuff that she had sorta avoided with me. She invited me to a bar ... I sat down and she began to rapt. She was spellbinding ... I was looking past the "problems" to her courage and her ability to articulate her problems (which in reversal to yours had some to do with a daughter!) .... She did 80-90 percent of the talking that night ... I simply asked questions for clarification and the conversation was one of the best I've had in my life. There is something powerful about people telling you here's my life, x problem, y problem.

 

And for you, there is NOTHING more liberating than bringing different areas of our lives together. Telling bf about your family ... which will allow more conversations about your family ... And there's a chance mom won't badmouth bf this time. You need to warn her of this before you bring them together, but look, there's a great chance bf will understand your situation.

 

And you have nothing to be embarrassed about ... You have a lot to be furious and frustrated about ... mom refusing medical help is maddening ... the condition of bipolar is maddening ... But your family, even in all its struggles, is a worthy family ... and there has to have been some real strengths there for you to emerge from them. Congrats on the good income! Oh ... another possibility ... strange as it seems, sometimes the person in your bf's position can talk to your mom better than you can ... because your mom won't press his buttons the same way ... I have a friend who literally talks to her husband's mother when her husband won't.

 

I hope mom's car was insured ... and you know, if you help her get another, that's fine ...

 

The real possibility is that this burden of your family that you've been carrying ... can, with the right guy, be lightened, considerably ... after you share with him your story. And you move into more honesty and closeness and intimacy in your relationship with your bf.

 

I feel your worry, but truly congrats on the progress in the relationship and in anticipating this family issue. This really is a great point in your relationship. I would almost guarantee bf will be fine with your story ... and you will too!

 

Great moment for you (easy for me to say from a distance I know). Good luck. And BTW: it would be ok to help mom with Cable & the internet!

[Highndry]

I understand where you're coming from. My mother was a raging alcoholic, and I hid that fact from all my girlfriends. I was embarrassed and ashamed of her because she was totally out of control if she was drinking - the classic Jekyll and Hyde routine.

 

I have to say that I think you should cut your mom off. What an ungrateful biatch. I don't have much else to say about that.

 

Your brother is a real problem. Meth is the worst drug there is, with the exception of perhaps PCP, and meth heads are scary, scary people. They are unpredictable homicidal maniacs at times, responsible for some of the most heinous crimes out there. That is no joke, it's serious stuff. It's a good thing he doesn't know where you live, he is dangerous.

 

You do owe it to your boyfriend to tell him what he's getting into before he moves in. I would keep it short and to the point, saying something like:

 

"The reason I haven't had you around my mom a lot is because she's crazy. I don't know what exactly her problem is, but she's just not a nice person."

 

"The reason I don't talk to my brother is he got into drugs and that's not a lifestyle I approve of so we don't talk anymore. He is not welcome here."

 

You don't need to go into any more detail, and I really do think you should dial back the contact with your mother. She could end up being a problem for your relationship if you don't, evidenced by her disgusting attitude.

[mortensorchid]

This is a very sticky area for people. I have been with others who have said their family is/was crazy and THEY are not like them. True? Well, more often times than not they are just like their families and you don't know until you get to know them. First I want to say good for you that you recognized this fact about your family and made a decision to be better then that. It's often times the case with some siblings - you see where they made their mistakes and you learned by watching them what not to do rather than what to do. You are the diamond in the rough. But that aside you must show others, your bf included, that you are not like them. Actions speak louder than words - and your actions are what speaks to others. He should recognize that. And if he doesn't? Well then he isn't for you.