MajesticUnicorn Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 It’s been a while since I’ve been on here, I suppose because things have been going relatively well...until they’re not. My boyfriend and I are nearing on 6 months of being official (we dated/talked for 1-2 months prior) For the most part, things have been great between us. I have so much fun with him, I love being around him, and there have been times where I feel overwhelmed with love for him. Like no doubt in my mind I could see a long future with him. But the past few weeks or so, I’ve been having some doubts about our relationship. I believe most of these are due to my own struggles and relationship history. One example, there are times when I feel like I’m not good enough for him. He doesn’t verbally abuse me or put me down or anything. In fact, he’s really good to me. A lot of it has to do with my own self worth. I’m just confused because before this relationship when I was single and dating, I felt so confident and good about myself. While searching for directions while we were on a road trip together on his phone, I saw that he had been looking at porn. I don’t really have strong feelings against it necessarily, but I think this has something to do with me feeling insecure as well. Like I will never measure up to that. Not to mention he followed a lot of girls on Instagram in skimpy clothes (and not just famous people, girls in our nearby city.) we talked about it and he’s unfollowed most of them I believe. I have snooped one or two times since first finding it on his phone. Nothing concerning except still looking at porn pretty much every time we’re not together. The other challenge our relationship is facing is our sex life. I believe as a result of my insecurity, my sex drive has decreased a lot since we first started dating. He always wants it, and while I’m attracted to him it’s just not the same. I know this is typically a red flag in relationships, but it’s not the first time I’ve had this experience in a relationship...so I know it’s not specifically him, but rather me. I grew up religious, and have recently tried to return to my faith, so I am wondering if the guilt has something to do with me losing interest in sex. I’ve also had many experiences with men using me for my body, and I’m wondering if that has something to do with these feelings too. I know my boyfriend isn’t just using me, but when he’s always looking at porn, always wants sex with me, and only ever calls me hot, not pretty or beautiful, I have my doubts. The last challenge is I live around 8hrs away from my family, and my dad has recently run into some health issues which has me questioning if moving far away was the right choice. Long story short, there’s days when I see a future with my bf, but also days I feel inadequate and like there’s little hope for us to move forward. Help?
SevenCity Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 Everything in your post sounds like issues caused by your own insecurities. If you want to allow them to destroy your relationship with what seems to be a good guy, that's on you. All guys like porn and sex. If you leave this guy the next guy will like them too and perhaps not treat you as well.
Highndry Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 My ex's insecurity was the death knell for our relationship - I'm sure for any relationship she's ever had, or will ever have.
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 You're not interested in sex and you wonder why the poor man watches porn when you're not together. Sounds to me you are sexually incompatible. He likes it and wants it actively in his life. You have a low libido, you're insecure, and are filled with religious guilt concerning sex, this relationship cannot make it long term. I think it's time to set him free to meet a woman that has no hick ups about sex and it would be better for you to meet a man that is conservative in the sex department and has the same faith and feels the same guilt toward sex. 4
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 My take on this is when you really fall in love you become vulnerable, and it scares you. You get insecure, jealous tendencies, paranoia, and all that negative stuff. It usually will pass. I think you should tell him what is exactly what's going on in your head, so you can release those feelings and not feel alone about it. You need to step up and work on this. If it continues, seek out a therapist to get the skills to deal with these feelings. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 You need to work on building your self confidence. Only you can make your insecurities go away. 1
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 Your BF's actions are not a reflection on you. Whatever behavior or choices he makes (porn, Instagram, how he compliments you, etc) is on him regardless of what you do. It's based on his life experiences, his brain chemistry, and how he chooses to walk in his own shoes. This is one step towards managing your own insecurities or anxiety. As far as the relationship is concerned, you point out some things that are concerning. Mismatches in sexual needs or practices can lead to big problems and resentment in the long haul. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything you don't want to do. You also make a mention about strengthening your faith, so I imagine this has a direct influence with how you view his porn use. This can be a big gap in values between two people. The above mentioned differences in themselves don't mean either person is wrong with what they want. It just means you may not match up well. Have a talk about your concerns. That can be tough, but you may get insight on where you want to go from here. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 Unicorn, but when he’s always looking at porn, always wants sex with me, and only ever calls me hot, not pretty or beautiful, I have my doubts. that would make me feel like I was being used, as well. Have you told him how it makes you feel? I think the bigger problem is that if you want to go back to your religious roots and your boyfriend doesn't share your belief system then there is one big incompatibility looming up. You need to discuss these issues with him.
Author MajesticUnicorn Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) Update: since posting this a few days, I've tried to refocus on the relationship and not letting my insecurities and doubts get in the way. We had a weekend away together that was a lot of fun, and I think brought us closer. I definitely love him and hope this is something we can overcome. I was sure it was something I wanted to fight for, then another stepback happened. I was sending myself some pictures we took together from his phone, and in his photos he had screenshots of a girl (that he knows in person) in a bikini, from her instagram. A girl who I know he has tried to pursue a relationship with in the past. Like I said, I've been trying to work on my self confidence and not let the skimpy pictures bother me. It just feels...different when it's someone he actually knows, and not just some random instagram model or porn star. I didn't bring it up because I wanted to think on it and if it's something even worth mentioning. But several days later, it's still bothering me. I want to bring it up and talk to him about it, but at the same point I feel like every time I do mention something like this, it only shows my insecurity and doubts more. Everything in your post sounds like issues caused by your own insecurities. If you want to allow them to destroy your relationship with what seems to be a good guy, that's on you. All guys like porn and sex. If you leave this guy the next guy will like them too and perhaps not treat you as well. My ex's insecurity was the death knell for our relationship - I'm sure for any relationship she's ever had, or will ever have. I mean, I absolutely agree with you on this. There's no doubt that most of the challenges I'm facing in this relationship are a direct result of my own insecurities. This isn't typical behavior for me in relationships, so I am trying to figure out how to overcome it, and why this one is different. You're not interested in sex and you wonder why the poor man watches porn when you're not together. Sounds to me you are sexually incompatible. He likes it and wants it actively in his life. You have a low libido, you're insecure, and are filled with religious guilt concerning sex, this relationship cannot make it long term. I think it's time to set him free to meet a woman that has no hick ups about sex and it would be better for you to meet a man that is conservative in the sex department and has the same faith and feels the same guilt toward sex. I don't wonder why he looks at porn or resent him for it. It's very clear why he does it. I'm not against it. But it does feed my insecurities further. I agree that we are on different levels when it comes to our sex drive. If we hang out 5 times a week for example, he'll want it 5 times, when I just want it 3. I would understand if he wanted it all the time and I never wanted it, but to me it seems like this side of our relationship ebbs and flows. I don't disagree that we may not be as compatible sexually as we could be, I guess I am more wondering if this is something we can work through or not. My take on this is when you really fall in love you become vulnerable, and it scares you. You get insecure, jealous tendencies, paranoia, and all that negative stuff. It usually will pass. I think you should tell him what is exactly what's going on in your head, so you can release those feelings and not feel alone about it. You need to step up and work on this. If it continues, seek out a therapist to get the skills to deal with these feelings. I agree with you. I do think I am at a more vulnerable stage in our relationship right now than I have been. I never distrusted him or felt insecure about myself in our relationship up until now. I think it is due to the fact that I have strong feelings for him, and I don't want to lose him. I also think I have a tendency to self-sabotage when things start going well. Since posting I have been trying my best to work through it, but I think you are right that we are due for a conversation. You need to work on building your self confidence. Only you can make your insecurities go away. True. I guess it's been a while since I've struggled with this so now I'm just trying to figure out how to work through it. Your BF's actions are not a reflection on you. Whatever behavior or choices he makes (porn, Instagram, how he compliments you, etc) is on him regardless of what you do. It's based on his life experiences, his brain chemistry, and how he chooses to walk in his own shoes. This is one step towards managing your own insecurities or anxiety. As far as the relationship is concerned, you point out some things that are concerning. Mismatches in sexual needs or practices can lead to big problems and resentment in the long haul. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything you don't want to do. You also make a mention about strengthening your faith, so I imagine this has a direct influence with how you view his porn use. This can be a big gap in values between two people. The above mentioned differences in themselves don't mean either person is wrong with what they want. It just means you may not match up well. Have a talk about your concerns. That can be tough, but you may get insight on where you want to go from here. Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. That is what I have been trying to remind myself, that his actions are not a direct reflection of me or my self worth. You are right in that we need to have a conversation about what could potentially be values in our relationship that don't align. It's hard because while there are things that definitely make us different from one another, there are also many values that we share. I want to make him happy in our relationship and am willing to compromise and fight for what we have together. But at the same point, I don't know when the right time, if at all, is to throw in the towel and say maybe we aren't the best match. Unicorn, that would make me feel like I was being used, as well. Have you told him how it makes you feel? I think the bigger problem is that if you want to go back to your religious roots and your boyfriend doesn't share your belief system then there is one big incompatibility looming up. You need to discuss these issues with him. Yes. I told him I appreciate his compliments but I wish he'd call me something other than hot or sexy sometimes. Since then he's probably called me pretty once or twice. I do appreciate the effort, but it's hard because my love language is 100% words of affirmation and when I don't get that, I think that's when I become insecure. We do share the same belief system, just neither of us are active in our faith if that makes sense. It was something I brought up at the beginning of our relationship as something that was important to me. That is my question though.. if this is something I want to grow stronger in, I don't know if he'd be willing to do it alongside me. I don't know if I'm better off searching for a mate who is already strong and firm in his beliefs. Edited February 5, 2019 by MajesticUnicorn
Juha Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 It seems that you need to work on some issues and probably should not be dating anyone, let alone in a relationship.... I hope things work out for you but it seems you wan't get out of your own head. Get some therapy on your issues, get over them and then have a relationship. snooping on and constantly thinking things about what your b.f. could be doing is no way to have a healthy relationship... I wish you luck
PRW Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I grew up religious, and have recently tried to return to my faith, so I am wondering if the guilt has something to do with me losing interest in sex.If he doesn't share your religious views, respect them, or even try to understand, then there is no point in going forward with him. 1
kendahke Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I believe as a result of my insecurity, my sex drive has decreased a lot since we first started dating. He always wants it, and while I’m attracted to him it’s just not the same. I know this is typically a red flag in relationships, but it’s not the first time I’ve had this experience in a relationship...so I know it’s not specifically him, but rather me. How did you resolve this in past relationships? I grew up religious, and have recently tried to return to my faith, so I am wondering if the guilt has something to do with me losing interest in sex. Does he know that you have increased your devotion to your faith? Have you been having sex with him without issue until this re-interest in faith occurred? Is he of the same religion as you and agrees with the abstinence? You are going to have to have a very serious and potentially difficult conversation with him if you plan on changing course, sexually, with him--especially if you've already been sexually active with him and he's not on this journey with you. He has a right to know that you're considering changing some significant parameters of a relationship that have already been in play and place for some time now--and decide if it's what he wants to do, too. 1
Author MajesticUnicorn Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 If he doesn't share your religious views, respect them, or even try to understand, then there is no point in going forward with him. We do share the same religious beliefs, just neither of us have been super active in our faith, if that makes sense. How did you resolve this in past relationships? Does he know that you have increased your devotion to your faith? Have you been having sex with him without issue until this re-interest in faith occurred? Is he of the same religion as you and agrees with the abstinence? You are going to have to have a very serious and potentially difficult conversation with him if you plan on changing course, sexually, with him--especially if you've already been sexually active with him and he's not on this journey with you. He has a right to know that you're considering changing some significant parameters of a relationship that have already been in play and place for some time now--and decide if it's what he wants to do, too. In the previous relationship, I was on an anti-depressant at the time along with just starting birth control that I believe led to my lack of a sex drive. After going off my anti-depressant, I was back to normal. We ended up breaking up due to entering a long distance relationship. After that relationship ended, again I had no issue having sex. He is the same religion as me. We talked about it before we started dating, and it is something I have been open about throughout our relationship. I guess the most transparent way I could describe it, is in recent years I have been religious but just ignored the "no sex" part. Recent events have led me to revisit my faith more seriously, which is why the past month or so these feelings of guilt and doubt have been overcoming me. I don't think I'd want to abstain anytime soon, but it is hard to rule that out. I guess the more I am posting and thinking about it, the more I am realizing that I need to figure out where I'm at with my religious journey and what I believe. It's difficult because I see a future with him, we are aligned in so many other ways and I truly love him. It's just hard for me to decide whether this is something I should try to overcome in order to move forward in our relationship, or if I need to end it to figure out things on my own.
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Amazing: You hammer the guy on the head for looking at porn made with strangers but when he is found keeping skimpy pictures of women he actually knows and went after you say nothing?? I don't understand your logic!
PRW Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 We do share the same religious beliefs, just neither of us have been super active in our faith, if that makes sense.It does, but it doesn't change anything.
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 It's difficult because I see a future with him, we are aligned in so many other ways and I truly love him. It's just hard for me to decide whether this is something I should try to overcome in order to move forward in our relationship, or if I need to end it to figure out things on my own. You need to end it and figure yourself out and once you're all figured out you go after the type of man you want in your life. Sure this one is nice and you like/love him but sexual compatibility and same moral values surrounding sex is extremely important if you want to make it long term and happy. Men that watch porn *don't* stop watching it. Men that have a wondering eye toward surrounding women *don't* stop doing it.
Author MajesticUnicorn Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 Amazing: You hammer the guy on the head for looking at porn made with strangers but when he is found keeping skimpy pictures of women he actually knows and went after you say nothing?? I don't understand your logic! You need to end it and figure yourself out and once you're all figured out you go after the type of man you want in your life. Sure this one is nice and you like/love him but sexual compatibility and same moral values surrounding sex is extremely important if you want to make it long term and happy. Men that watch porn *don't* stop watching it. Men that have a wondering eye toward surrounding women *don't* stop doing it. Believe me, I plan to bring it up, I've just been trying to collect my thoughts and figure out what I need to say. Not just about the pictures, but with everything that has been going through my head the past week. I know you are right that he isn't going to change, and I need to be sure of what I am looking for in a partner before entering into a serious relationship. I guess I know what the obvious answer here is but I'm in love with him and it's hard for me to just walk away knowing we have something so good happening despite the issues I've described
kendahke Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 We do share the same religious beliefs, just neither of us have been super active in our faith, if that makes sense. This is the conversation you need to have with him and you have got to be certain that he is on the same page, same paragraph, same sentence. If he isn't, then this isn't going to work. You know that line about being unequally yoked? That's really a thing. it's hard for me to just walk away knowing we have something so good happening despite the issues I've described Well, if he's got skimpy pictures of other women that he knows on his phone and he's watching porn, then I'd say that isn't good and walking away might be the best thing on your part. It doesn't serve you to stay with someone just because you see potential--you can't forge a relationship on potential. They have to be acting/behaving the way in which you need already because the day may never come where his potential actualizes. Do you have/want to squander your youth on someone's potential? That's time you'll never get back.
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