franticromantic Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 My girlfriend and I have been dating for over two years. We had a tumultuous first year, but truly do love and support each other as things stand. She recently had a visit to the doctor, where after taking a mood/emotional survey, they prescribed upping her dosage of Lexapro. She started taking it during our relationship, and it was not the first time in her life she had taken it. It caused a stir, and I had reservations at first. Mainly because a) she doesn't exercise regularly and drinks alcohol often, and b) her sex drive may be negatively affected. Nevertheless, I shut up about it and gave her my full support, hoping that she would get back on the horse and move away from it eventually (which is what she vocally hoped to do as well). Fast forward a 1.5 years or so, and she is going to up her dosage amount. I'm afraid to tell her it makes me upset. The lack of sex drive has definitely been noticeable. What bothers me most is that she does not regularly exercise (like I tend to do, and try to do with her on weekends, since we don't live together yet). She also drinks alcohol nearly daily, by herself at home. And smokes a lot of marijuana (at least, way more than I do. and I grew up a pretty heavy stoner). To me, taking an anti-depressant is a serious thing that should be respected, and it seems irresponsible that she does not take care of these obviously risky and destructive behaviors before taking the medication route. I could use some guidance and experience from others who have dealt with a similar situation. Am I looking at this all wrong? Thanks
RecentChange Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 My advice? Dating is supposed to be about seeing if two people are compatible. Going into a relationship hoping to change someone is a recipe for disaster. If she was into exercising she would. If she wanted to drink less she would. In my opinion the first year should be blissful. That is when like Renee is in full affect, you have bonding hormones and all sorts of things painting a rosy picture - but instead your first year was tumultuous? Where do you see this going? Somehow you are able to change her from the person she is, to the one you wished she was and then happily ever after? Odds are slim to none in that regard. And telling her not to follow her doctors orders because you are worried it will affect how much sex you get from her is completely out of line. So, my advice is cut her free and seek someone you are compatible with. Because this does not sound like the foundation for a long, healthy and happy relationship. 6
SunnyWeather Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 your concerns are valid. I noticed you mentioned her not exercising a couple of times in your post. Is that your way of saying she has gained weight since she started her antidepressant? Def not uncommon, as well as lack of sex drive. She could also request a med change due to the above reasons. You're also right that her doctor should know she is drinking and taking marijuana. I'd discuss this concern with your partner and encourage her to tell her provider that she does that as it could influence what the doc prescribes.
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 I tend to agree with both posters. You do have a very valid concern. This woman has some mental health issues, and it’s not uncommon for people to self medicate with alcohol and drugs. She is also making some unhealthy lifestyle choices, related to diet and exercise. I would be very concerned. In fact, I would be concerned enough to say “I will not live my life this way. We are not compatible and I need to end this relationship.” She has every right to make her own lifestyle decisions. What she eats, whether she exercises, how much she drinks, whether she smokes weed or not, and whether she takes medication for her anxiety/depression... all her decisions. If you don’t like the decisions she is making, your only choice is to leave. 1
Author franticromantic Posted January 31, 2019 Author Posted January 31, 2019 Our relationship isn't ideal, but we have our own quirks, anxieties, and intellect that make us an unlikely but inseparable pair. I don't aim to change her, I know that's foolish. The problem is that she seems to be aware of these problems herself, and suggests time to time the things she needs to be doing (exercise, dieting) without me prompting her. She's very smart, and she is aware that she could be doing better. If I were to make an educated guess, I think it's her job that is driving her to make these self-destructive decisions. It's a high stress job, and she loves to please people. She has a tough time tearing herself away from work because she loves it and the people she works with. As a result, she finds ways to cope with the stress. We love each other, and we have strong bonds that we've built over the past couple years. I know she knows better, but am not seeing her execute. I've told her so many times that her job is killing her, or that she could do things to help herself like exercise. But it seems the more I nag about it, the more indifferent and somewhat defiant she gets. I know I should leave a person when we're just not compatible. But I'm having a hard time seeing that we are not. I think we are, it's just she's struggling to gain control in her life. She knows what's good for her, but is struggling to achieve it. The more I tell her, the more she avoids it. So should I just shut up and let her deal? I'm not sure.
Garcon1986 Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 She has to visualize in her own mind the necessity of making the changes that you want. No matter how correct you are, if she doesn't view this stuff as necessary, she will refuse to change on grounds of "if you love me you accept me the way I am". She won't change unless something earth shattering hits her. She's going to tell you take it or leave it very soon. I propose that you give her a black and white ultimatum - and be ready to leave and mean it. You don't want to have a self destructing wife, and you are well within your rights to demand healthy change. If she refuses to do it, it's her loss.
thefooloftheyear Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 I won't repeat what the other posters did... I wouldn't touch a woman like that with a 10- foot pole...She seems to be drowning her issues in meds and drugs/alcohol...This is a road to nowhere for someone like you, from what I have read... But that's me and you are you...I don't know what you are willing to tolerate and I don't want to sound insensitive, just that I have seen this type of dynamic in my own family and it never goes too well... I would feel bad for her, but you have your life to lead, so you need to know what you will or will not be able to deal with... TFY 2
amaysngrace Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 Alcohol usage often makes depression worse. Does your GF know that? A person suffering with depression really shouldn’t be drinking at all but especially while on meds. It’s going to be very hard for her to care for you in the way you deserve if she’s not even able to properly care for herself. 2
alphamale Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 dude, you need to extricate yourself from this situation
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 As S2B mentioned, consider if your relationship developed codependency. You aren't responsible for her making healthy choices for her own life. Unless she decides for herself, then nothing is going to change. Imagine sometime in the future living with her, coming home from the gym, and she's sitting on the couch drinking and smoking pot while trying to deal with her own internal struggles in that way. Can you be happy? 2
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 My advice don't date someone in her condition because this is what you get. YOU can't fix it, you can't say anything to make it go away, you can't talk her into fixing this, this is a life long condition. Some people do, do well with therapy, and some don't....she doesn't. This is not your responsibility to carry her through this. This is something she has to take care of and maintain HERSELF. So it is up to her to communicate to her doctor what is going on. Also if this doctor isn't helping her condition, she may need counseling, a sponsor for the drinking, and or seek out a second doctor. The thing is she has to want to get better. IMO if she is where she's at after all this time, you may want to rethink about being in this relationship.
RecentChange Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Like others said - this rings of codependency. You can’t fix her, you can’t internalize her problems, and you can’t force her to deal with them in a healthier manner. She has to choose for herself to do that. To find her own motivation. No amount of nagging will work. So... are you really ready to settle for this? Where do you see the two of you realistically in 5 or 10 years? You said you have been together a little more than 2 years. In the grand scheme of things, that’s just a blip in time. I have socks older than this relationship.
alphamale Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 the other thing is children. would she be able to take care of kids?!? i'm assuming both of you don't have any kids yet, of course
Lotsgoingon Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) To me, taking an anti-depressant is a serious thing that should be respected, and it seems irresponsible that she does not take care of these obviously risky and destructive behaviors before taking the medication route. I could use some guidance and experience from others who have dealt with a similar situation. Am I looking at this all wrong? Thanks The reason antidepressants were invented is because a lot of depressed people can NOT "take care of these obviously risky and destructive behaviors" without a boost for medicine. You're acting like addressing a drinking problem is simple or exercising regular is easy. It's not ... and really hard for people with mood problems. Just for perspective, when an antidepressant really works, the goal is for the patient to use their improved move to make improvements in the rest of their life--to exercise more, focus better at work, eat better and son on. You're posing the medication as in opposite to lifestyle changes. Dude, depressed people exercise far more if an antidepressant raises their mood. Without a decent mood, it's hard to do anything constructive. And if medication doesn't work, she needs to also use therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has a high rate of success in improving mood. Now ... I'm gonna switch here ... Let's forget the medication. Your issue is that you simply don't think this person is coping and functioning at a level that you want a partner to function at. Period. Don't get lost in the details. You don't think she prioritizes her health. You see her hurting herself. You don't see the determination you would like to see in a partner. Those are worthy concerns. BTW: having a drinking problem, without confronting it, definitely a red flag and worthy of a confrontation and a breakup. Bottom line, your frustration isn't with the Lexapro per se. Your frustration is with a lot of her life and the way she lives. If she were going to support groups for drinking and making progress in therapy, you probably would feel different. Just keep that perspective. A major goal of dating is to find who has their act together, who can make smart and constructive and healthy choices for themselves, someone who shows creativity, persistence, determination. And if people can't treat themselves well, they surely can't trust their partners well. So your worry is valid, but I don't think it's Lexapro. It's her overall lack of initiative. Edited February 2, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 1
frus69 Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Funny how trainwrecks have bfs sticking with them with love and I have everything together yet cant find a decent guy.. Obviously someone who's an alcoholic and a drug user is not dating material,duh 1
Author franticromantic Posted December 23, 2022 Author Posted December 23, 2022 Well, it's been a couple years since I opened this topic. Not long after this, I made the initiative to break up and move on with this person. And it was successful. I was even able to do it while staying friends with this person. Now it's a few years later, and I've grown so much. More than I think I could have if I had decided to stay with them. A lot of the replies here were helpful and led me on the right track. A relationship that is only 1 to 3 years young should be enjoyable and about figuring out if it's going to work or not. To me, this girl was insanely attractive and also well off with family connections and so on ... But at the end of the day, I had to come to terms with whether or not they made me happy as a person. I had never dated someone so attractive and well-to-do before and that probably contributed to my indecision and hesitation to break off with them. Happy to say I'm a happier person now and that I'm eager for the future. Thanks. 6
ShyViolet Posted December 23, 2022 Posted December 23, 2022 On 1/31/2019 at 12:19 AM, franticromantic said: But it seems the more I nag about it, the more indifferent and somewhat defiant she gets. You should not be doing this; it's completely inappropriate and not your place. You are not her doctor, you are not her Dad, you are not her life coach. It's not your job or your place to push her to work on her problems. You need to stop this now. She is choosing not to work on these problems right now, and if that bothers you then you need to end this relationship.
smackie9 Posted December 23, 2022 Posted December 23, 2022 27 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You should not be doing this; it's completely inappropriate and not your place. You are not her doctor, you are not her Dad, you are not her life coach. It's not your job or your place to push her to work on her problems. You need to stop this now. She is choosing not to work on these problems right now, and if that bothers you then you need to end this relationship. Old thread. 1
ShyViolet Posted December 23, 2022 Posted December 23, 2022 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: Old thread. Oh sorry LOL I shoulda paid attention to the dates more. Good to hear you ended up making the right decision and your life is better now.
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