Stuck!?!?!?!

[cherrie498]

I have read through the post here & it seems like we all do have one thing in common (beside the obvious, being the OW) we are sincere. We have sincere thoughts, feelings & dreams.

I like most in here fell in love with my MM.

As I read each of the post I realize that most start off the same, innocent friendships gradually snowballing into emotionally affairs, then physical relationships leaving everyone involved unfulfilled & in a sense STUCK.

So how do you get past the “stuck” ?

 

My story (by passing the friendship & the newness)

 

My MM is a father of 2 girls & a husband of 10 yrs. Married very young due to the pregnancy of their oldest child. He perused me (as if that matters) I was fully aware of his marital status, we had a care free affair for about a year. He spent time with me & my family constantly, my fam of course not knowing that he was married. Shortly after the 1st year past his wife found out. We quit no questions asked, we just quit. 2 weeks go by with NC & here he comes with everything packed in his car confessing his love & begging for a new beginning with me. I of course accepted. Shortly there after he decides that he cant leave, understandable in my mind. His wife would call constantly putting his girls on the telephone they would cry & beg him to come home. He resisted longer than I think I could have. So off he goes…….NC picks up where he left off only for him to return AGAIN….this goes on for now 2 years!!!!! (total of a 3 year long affair)

Just happened AGAIN he left to go back home. This time wife is pregnant! We (me &MM) had NC for about 4 months I thought it was finally over, think we both did. I moved 10 hrs away not telling him, in hopes of out of sight out of mind. DOES NOT WORK!!! I came home to visit, seen him & we set a plan. He moves out, I put in for a job transfer (1 hour away from my old hometown) so we could be closer to his girls. All seems to be working as planned FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seems to be, he tells her that he is leaving & starts the proceedings of moving out & filing for separation.

Well comes to find out she’s pregnant !

We had just been back on speaking terms for about 2 weeks he tells her that he is leaving & 2 days later she is pregnant. she stopped taking her BC pill w/out telling him- she openly admits this!

So now what!!!

Of course we are back to plan A….NC (3 days as of today)

But how do we/I make damn sure that we don’t go back?

I of course have my weak moments where I need to talk to him or want to see him usually I can resist. I have deleted all contact info, but problem is I cant tell him NO!

Worst part is my transfer has been accepted, I am to start working 20 mins. From his work & home, I am staying with my parents right now, until I figure it out. I have an apartment, all of my stuff, except what would fit in my little car 10 hrs away & the only job I have right now is right beside him!!! Oh the tangled webs we weave huh!

The twister is I know that he loves me, sincerely & truly loves me. I have spent time with his family with & without him. His dad at one point called me & asked to meet me, telling me how he knows that all of this is hard for me but that he has never seen his son happier than the times when we are together. But the stress of everything kills it.

Every time we/he calls it quits I pray that it will not come back. I know I am the only one that has control over this, how/what do I do?!?!? The answer in my mind is simple, but its hard to let something that seems/feels so real just pass by.

Suggestions/comments welcome!!!!!

[MsMree]

Cherie:

 

I have no doubt he loves you - you obviously know what to do (you've been successful w/NC)... Just wanted to say hang in there!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I know I am the only one that has control over this, how/what do I do?!?!?

2. The answer in my mind is simple, but its hard to let something that seems/feels so real just pass by.

 

1. Continue with 'no contact'. None, nada, zip. No incoming or outgoing contact. If he wants to be with you, he will have to jump down off the fence. Make this the final nail in your OW status coffin: refuse your position as OW. Offer only yourself as a Woman - meaning, you do not associate with him while he is involved with someone else. Period. The only person making you an OW, or keeping you in that sad status is yourself. Time to put an end to that. He will come to you, when and only IF he is serious. If he does not, then know that his interest in you did not extend past his need for you as "the OTHER woman". You will never know if he really and truly loves you as a woman and not just "the other woman" until you walk away and see if he has it in him to follow.

 

2. You aren't letting it pass by. HE IS.

[lynnered]

cherrie498,

i am sorry U are going throght this:love: ,

Its has been 8days sine i have heard from MM,

He left W in august i am pretty sure he went back:(

I am so hurt he has wasted my time maybe thats why he cant face me to tell me,

did it make U angry that he went back?

that helps me-those thoughts

i know he loves me i love him but i did everything i could to make it work ,

im sure he loves U ,but that doesnt mean he will leave & now he has a new baby on thae way ,

doesnt that hurt U?

i would think long & hard about the bad aspects of the situation,change all your tns & get a non pub tn ,

i was involved for 4years & when its over & you feel u wasted all this time ,

i think of him everyday & its hard i try to focus on other things but he creeps in still,

the basics i guess is to stay busy ,post here when U feel u might contact or if he trys to contact dont answer post & we can talk U out of it ,

Im going to therapy its helping to talk about it,

think long & hard is he what U really want?she has 3kids to hold over his head ,my MM has 1 and that was his whole issue .

and by NC and standing firm U will show him this is not acceptable to U & if he wants U in his life he will take those steps to make it happen,

and especially if hes never been happier with anyone else,he needs to see what his life is without U,

but he may choose his kids ,doesnt mean he doesnt love U My MM had told me many times "no one has ever treated him as good as U",

but where is he ?

i do wish U the best with me i believed & believed it would work out ,and it hasnt so its over i think U should focus on U ,do Nc refuse to have him in your life unless he leaves her for good ,U can do it !!

time passes it does get easier ,

goodluck & keep posting:love:

[cherrie498]

lynnered, thank you.

I really feel like you understand. Yes of course he says he has to stay for his kids. This time he told me he really wanted it over, that he could never give me what I wanted & deserved b/c of the fact that he does have these children & most importantly the one on the way. He also said that he just wanted back to his normal life?!?! Making me realize that while I thought we where "normal" that he when he does leave me he is leaving going to a completely different life. How does someone do that???? I know the first response of many is that he is manipulative, a liar, ect.....He is not, he is just as sincere.

 

I do believe that he loves me & I know that the feeling I have for him arent like any I have ever had before. At this point I hate to call it love anymore!

Love doesnt go away, physically or emotionally!

 

I am going to do my best, I have considered therapy. My only down fall is I dont want my thoughts & feeling to be belittled. I had an affair, yes but that doesnt mean that my feeling toward him or his feelings toward me where any less! I have been surrounding myself with friends, but it still seems like his name comes up in every conversation! He has been a constant part of my life for 3 years & he became my "comfort" zone I guess the same way his house, his family are to him.

I am just confused right now.

 

Thanks again for your advice, I too hope the best for you.

[lynnered]

wel as far as him saying normal life ,he may mean w/o all the stress of should i leave should i go my MM kept saying that someone would get hurt no matter what that if he stayd unhappy with W,happy wh child sad missing me,& if he stayd gone happy wh me sad about child ,

i dont doubt hes sincere mine im pissed he couldnt face me to tell me,i mean he was honest as far as his doubts, dont remember if i told u too but read my post MM left wife,

the love wont go away but it will get easier kind of like developing a habit ,it get farther away as more time passes,

and as far as therapy my dr is good i dont feel she talks down but i did have one in the past i felt was judging me by the way she looked at me ,mine was recommend by a friend ,it helps to talk& cry infront of someone who is trying to help U feel better,weve talked about his words v/s actions,wh therapy i think its all about U its like confession she even gave me a little homework assignment ,

right now i am antisocial so im glad you are getting out ,im still dazed coming here helps ,

i know he loves me & i love him but its not going to work ,

i tried & U tried but to get out of the situation is best my self esteem is zero i miss talking to him even though im mad at him right now,

at least your MM had decency to tell U ,

it will get better day by day im accepting more & more having little thoughts of where do i go from here ,

And the having him in your life for so long is really hard ,

it will get better take care of U & i wish U quick healing:love:

[DesertDweller]

You say his W stopped taking birth control without telling him? So, they were still having sex... What better reason could you need for wanting to get over him?

[cherrie498]

They were having sex yes, but we had separated. I moved 3 states away & we were truly trying, me to move on & him to reconnect with his wife. I expected him to have sex at this time, I wanted him to! I wanted him to do everything & anything he could do to reconnect & fall back in love with her.

I didnt want a baby out of it, nor did he.....but guess that was one decision she could make alone. In her mind having a child would strengthen their marriage, she knows that the other 2 are what has held it together so far.

So they sex alone does not make me mad. I do know however as the pregnancy continues & they go for ultrasounds, is it a boy/girl, picking out names & delivery that alone will kill me! We are doing NC so I may never know what step they are really at yet I am playing it out in my mind DAILY!!!! We me & my MM were pregnant at one time & I chose to terminate the pregnancy b/c I knew that we where not in the situation to start a family together although he disagreed & saw it as a key to holding us together, think that he would have felt less guilt leaving b/c then he would have a child w/me & could pawn it off as obligation rather than it being solely what he wanted. The children he had where already a part of him & easily accepted- knowing that she is having a "new" baby, in a wired sense MY baby hurts.

Lets hope this is my stepping stone to get over it.

[LauraBancroft]

I think married men use the I love you as a stepping stone to keeping their side action waiting on them. I think that they think in the back of their mind that they could possibly love the other woman but I also believe that they know that it is a powerful tool to use that word as a way to keep her believing that he will give her more. This may not be the case for all married men but I would go as far to say as it is for most. Then when you start wanting more they retract back into their shell (their life with W and the kids) and you're put on the back burner with your torn heart. This is a rinse repeat type of cycle that can go on for years, however some men do leave their wives for the OW but rarely. I say you should move on. There are a number of things you can do for yourself to get you over this. Such as writing in a journal, taking up new hobbies, hanging out with friends or making new ones. Anything to preoccupy your time and if you are alone and feel the need to make contact just keep reminding yourself of all the heartache it would cost you.