nonotme Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 (edited) So to preface, my girlfriend and I have been dating for roughly 2.5 years. Things have been great, and truthfully we have never seriously argued or had any differences on virtually anything, so I could just be overreacting. I am currently 20, and she is currently 18. We are both obviously super young, but finding someone you genuinely enjoy spending even non-romantic time with and having that feeling continue for so long seems not normal, but I do recognize because of my age as well as my lack of previous serious relationships I could just be naive. Girlfriend has always had some issues making friends, and the ones that she has made have been awful to her. I am also the first boyfriend and first sexual partner she has had, and she is the first serious girlfriend that I have had. She also has borderline personality disorder, which in the scope of a relationship means that she finds empathy somewhat difficult and also just has a general somewhat bad emotion detector. She has brought up that she is curious about an open relationship recently, and I have always been somewhat against them. I'm not totally closed off to the idea in a totally committed relationship where both people fully trust each other, but I still think it would create more problems than its worth. The issue is that she is scared of commitment, but also has grown accustomed to and enjoys a lot of the perks of a committed serious relationship. This is mostly due to the fact I do whatever I can to make people I care about happy, and don't really have a good gauge of when to put my foot down. Its somewhat of a miracle I don't get taken advantage of more often . Anyways, she has been apprehensive about committing to me because of my reluctance to a non monogamous relationship, but I don't think that she understands what commitment is, and also that any relationship that isn't committed that is open is usually unhealthy and destined to fail from what I have read and from people I have talked to. She still enjoys spending time with me and actively seeks to see me and talk to me, and for all intensive purposes we are still in a relationship and she still loves me. In essence, she has become somewhat complacent and seems to not really want to progress the relationship any further but also doesn't want to leave. I am at a crossroads though because I don't know whether to basically give her an ultimatum and say either commit to a serious relationship with me, or I don't really want to waste my time. I am thinking that I am looking for a serious relationship, and it is fine if she doesn't want one, but she needs to tell me that. Her family, my therapist, and my family believe that the open relationship thing is a subconscious avoidance of committing to a serious relationship with me. I get why she is apprehensive and would want to avoid making a decision, we are both young and she has historically had people kinda just throw her in the trash, but I have made it clear that I am not like asking her to sign a form saying she has to stay with me for X amount of time. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for rambling, there is a lot to say, if there is any confusion just reply to this or PM me if that is a thing and you want to do that. Thanks. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
justwhoiam Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 Watch "Newness". It's on Netflix. It might help you make your decision faster. She's 18 and wants to have fun. What she asked is not in your nature, so it looks like it's time to let her go. She can't have her cake and eat it too.
Author nonotme Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 I understand what you are saying. We are taking a small break for two or three weeks in order to focus on ourselves and I am fully prepared when we talk next to leave her. I personally feel like and others that I have talked to that are somewhat neutral but probably slightly biased because I asked them about it feel as well that this short period will kind of show her that things she takes for granted mean more to her than something that frankly could just be a short term feeling. I forgot to mention a year or so ago we were just talking and the concept of open relationships came up and she was more staunchly against them than I was because hookup culture lacks intimacy which is a big thing. I have seen the movie if I recall is it not a movie in which an open relationship turns out to be bad for everyone even the girl who was actually the only one who truly wanted it?
d0nnivain Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 If you don't want & open relationship but she does, that is a deal breaker. This idea of yours to take time off is a break up. Call it what ever you want but it's the beginning of the end. That is probably good because she now wants to explore & you are standing in her way. You need to go find a GF who shares your values.
Mrs._December Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 Any kind of relationship with an 18 year old teenager is going to be incredibly hard, even when they're emotionally healthy. But a relationship with a disordered 18 year old teenage girl? I'd rather set my face on fire. 2
justwhoiam Posted February 9, 2019 Posted February 9, 2019 is it not a movie in which an open relationship turns out to be bad for everyone even the girl who was actually the only one who truly wanted it? I guess so. It turns bad only later on, at first it sounds like the best deal...
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2019 Posted February 9, 2019 Open relationships work best when two people both want to explore their sexuality with other people. She is 18, of course she wants to explore with other guys but as you want monogamy then you are going to be miserable at home alone whilst she is out "exploring"... She will not have the maturity to handle an open relationship, so will no doubt fall in love with some other guy or go "mad" chasing every guy in sight, and you will either be left heartbroken and/or you will be left with a bitter taste in your mouth as regards "women". Let her go completely, it is for the best. 2
salparadise Posted February 9, 2019 Posted February 9, 2019 She also has borderline personality disorder, which in the scope of a relationship means that she finds empathy somewhat difficult and also just has a general somewhat bad emotion detector. You said in a previous sentence that because of your inexperience in relationships you may be naive. Well, this sentence indicates that you are seriously uninformed with respect to the implications of Borderline Personality Disorder. It goes way, way beyond "finds empathy somewhat difficult/somewhat bad emotion detector." Have you not ever googled the term? Use the search function on this site, and read all of the posts by member "Downtown" for starters. Get a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" for in depth perspective on BPD relationships. ...[she] has grown accustomed to and enjoys a lot of the perks of a committed serious relationship. This is mostly due to the fact I do whatever I can to make people I care about happy, and don't really have a good gauge of when to put my foot down. Its somewhat of a miracle I don't get taken advantage of more often. Without exception, people who sustain relationships with borderlines are codependent. What you describe above is your codependence. Has your therapist not broached this topic with you? If not, you should bring it up at the next session and dig into your issues with respect to why you're on the verge of consenting to an open relationships when you don't want that. Have you ever asked yourself why you can't simply say NO? I could write a book on this myself because I've been through it. But I am not going to write extensively because it's all been said already in the dozens of previous posts. Go read those, please. I will cut to the chase though. You need to let this girl go. The chances of it working long-term are zero. Having only been with one person sexually, she's wanting to phukk other guys. And the therapist is correct––borderlines have both a fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment. They live their lives trying to keep their intimate partners in the middle ground by doing the push-pull routine. They are impulsive, manipulative, and prone to cheating and promiscuity. Her mind is made up to bang other guys. It is sort of sweet that she's asking for your blessing and wants you to stay steady as her fallback guy. Why do you not believe that you deserve better than this? Why can't you just say this is not what I want. Why can you not just let her go and date someone who treats you with dignity and respect? Ask these questions to your therapist. There is a lot to explore. You need to get in touch with your sense of worthiness my friend.
BaileyB Posted February 9, 2019 Posted February 9, 2019 What does an 18 year old girl know about an “open relationship.” What she wants is to date other people - lots of other people. She wants to have some fun and excitement, she wants to experiment and experience life... If she wants to do this, she needs to be single.
Poutrew Posted February 9, 2019 Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) Hate to tell you this, friend, but you are already in an open relationship. What do you think she is doing for the past 3 weeks while you two have been on 'break'? She is trying out other men. If she finds someone she likes better, she will officially end it with you. If she doesn't, she will be back, with a 'new perspective' and how she was 'thinking of you' the whole time you were away, and how you are the best thing to happen to her... etc., ad nauseum,,, I would end this thing now, on my own terms. Because I am not the love janitor. It is not my job to clean up the mess other men make inside her (body or mind). Find someone who is serious and not so messed up in the head. You'll be a lot happier in the long run... Edited February 9, 2019 by Poutrew 1
salparadise Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 We are taking a small break for two or three weeks in order to focus on ourselves... I missed this the first time through. Yea, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what a BPD on a "break" is going to be up to. OP hasn't responded in a long time now. Guessing he's back in the meat grinder, poor guy.
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