Why some girls only attract wrong guys, and other girls are with healthy partners LTR

January 31, 2019

It's like every time i meet someone new, i sarcastically ask him, so what's your complex ?

So really, tell me, after you hit a new acquaintance with this dumb-ash question how many of them go silent on you? Drop any interest that they had in you?

This sarcastic attack sends out powerful signals. It says "I am sour. I am angry. I have baggage."

You are scaring the decent ones off with your attitude. Decent ones are looking for decent ones, not fixer-uppers.

January 31, 2019

So really, tell me, after you hit a new acquaintance with this dumb-ash question how many of them go silent on you? Drop any interest that they had in you?

This sarcastic attack sends out powerful signals. It says "I am sour. I am angry. I have baggage."

You are scaring the decent ones off with your attitude. Decent ones are looking for decent ones, not fixer-uppers.

I thought it was funny to ask such thing but yeah come to think about it, i have tons of emotional baggage. I will seek therapy soon. But i will keep dating, im more aware of redflags and dealbreakers now. I want to find this someone who will genuinely take care of me.

January 31, 2019

Good. Don't be so danged confrontational the next time you meet someone.

However, what you do is keep your guard up, radar on, ready to spot any red flag things that might appear, but don't let on that you're doing any of this. Just be sociable and keep your wits about you. Converse but don't attack. That's how we get to know someone.

Players and other skeezy characters will usually try to appear like decent guys, but eventually give themselves away if you keep your wits about you.

January 31, 2019

LS community, arent you the greatest ?

I do have a list of 10 dealbreakers that once i notice them, i immediately walk away, the last guy i dated dealbreaker was that he was not really into me as he showed although he was showing mixed signals, his disorder was not on my list, i readded it The guy before him that i dated for 2 months used to cheat on his girlfriends unapologetically and he love bombed me and almost proposed to me in 2 months, i did now walk away with this guy, i just thought he is really into me until he broke it off.

I have to set stronger boundaries, i have to love myself more, focus on myself, start new hobbies, meet new people, and not take it personal everytime it doesnt work out with someone i dated briefly, that it is okay to say no to low-quality guys ! IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO !

This is a terrible idea. Don’t make a freaking list. Learn to see the bigger picture instead.

I call bs on the excuse you have for ghosting the last guy you dated. He showed plenty of interest. The more likely explanation is that you dumped him because his social anxiety pushed you away/turned you off - also you where sceptical from the getgo because you met on Tinder - more or less searching for reason why it couldn’t work out.

And that’s exactly the problem. With a list of deal breakers you will essentially go into every potensial dating situation actively looking for reasons to get out instead of seeing the bigger picture.

February 1, 2019

I wish I had the answer for you, and anyone else who asks whatever questions as to "how come this always happens to me"? It's hard. YOu have to look at the person the first time you meet them and really ask yourself "What is he/she about?" I have one former friend of mine who always had lots of boyfriends. Some say it was because she had a certain little cuteness in her face and always gave out cute little smiles to others. Hence I should smile more. True? Well I then looked at who she attracted to her and her behaviors : She always went for Bad Boys - Guys who had jail sentences, got into fights, used her, etc. As far as I know she never attracted a decent or respectable man, and she was a Bad Girl herself. And she was bipolar, she went through boyfriends and people in general like Kleenex.

Now there are times when you recognize immediately this person is not right for you, but I think you should put in some kind of standard with yourself as well. Do you go for guys who hurt you purposefully? Do you go for guys who are distracted or immature? Is there something else going on with him that you don't know about? Etc.

Dating really sucks. Hope you keep trying. I am doing the same, there's got to be at least ONE out there who likes me enough. I hope there is one for you as well.

February 1, 2019

Research insecure attachment style then. That’s what I think I have. My parents were loving but for different reasons also not specially emotionally nurturing when I was 0-5 (I was taken care by nannies). The result is I often pick emotionally unavailable or avoidant men. To recreate what’s familiar. Alain de Botton talks about it in some of his videos too. Very common and the reason we (unconsciously) pick the wrong people.

What’s done is done. It wasn’t your mom’s fault as she also grew up in the same way and didn’t know better. The good thing is if you’re insecurely attached you can work on becoming secure. It takes work but it’s not a life sentence.

I do know it is a problem from my childhood, i am a middle child, my father was in the military so he was always away, my mother used to show affection only by cooking and cleaning. My mom is very emotionally unavailable because her father left the family and disappeared in Europe for 16 years. My mother doesnt show any any any affection, so i believe once i started dating, i started to be codependent to take the affection from wrong men even if temporary. I confronted my mom and i told her part of what is happening with me is because of her, she really feels guilty now because of it.

Edited February 1, 2019 by edgygirl

February 1, 2019

date men who have a 4-year college degree at minimum. there is a huge difference in people who are educated and those who are not

Lol, that means absolutely nothing.

February 1, 2019

This is a terrible idea. Don’t make a freaking list. Learn to see the bigger picture instead.

I call bs on the excuse you have for ghosting the last guy you dated. He showed plenty of interest. The more likely explanation is that you dumped him because his social anxiety pushed you away/turned you off - also you where sceptical from the getgo because you met on Tinder - more or less searching for reason why it couldn’t work out.

And that’s exactly the problem. With a list of deal breakers you will essentially go into every potensial dating situation actively looking for reasons to get out instead of seeing the bigger picture.

No. i didn't dump anyone and I did not ghost anyone. What happened with the last guy is that i talked with him twice about how communication should be consistent even if we re JUST dating. Last Friday, he didn't talk to me until i texted him on Saturday night ( 1.5 days no talking ), he called me immediately, i told him i dont like this and he was going out btw ( saturday night ), he said he was busy at work and stuff, no, im not buying this bull**** again from anyone ( busy at work ). On the phone, he asked me what are my sunday plans, i told him NOTHING and he just said OKAY, didnt plan to do anything. So i hung up with him and i cut him off without saying anything because we re barely dating to "break up" with someone and i already tried to address the problem to him but in vain. On sunday, he called and he send messages on whatsapp and Instagram but i have already taken the decision so i did not answer him.

February 1, 2019

Last Friday, he didn't talk to me until i texted him on Saturday night ( 1.5 days no talking ), he called me immediately, i told him i dont like this and he was going out btw ( saturday night ), he said he was busy at work and stuff, no, im not buying this bull**** again from anyone ( busy at work ). On the phone, he asked me what are my sunday plans, i told him NOTHING and he just said OKAY, didnt plan to do anything. So i hung up with him and i cut him off without saying anything because we re barely dating to "break up" with someone and i already tried to address the problem to him but in vain. On sunday, he called and he send messages on whatsapp and Instagram but i have already taken the decision so i did not answer him.

Whoa, way too much, too soon. If you're barely dating this guy, why do you need him to contact you every day? Such an extreme reaction, imo, especially since it doesn't sound you are exclusive. If you find a guy who talks to you 24/7 in the beginning, that itself can be a sign of imbalance.

February 1, 2019

Whoa, way too much, too soon. If you're barely dating this guy, why do you need him to contact you every day? Such an extreme reaction, imo, especially since it doesn't sound you are exclusive. If you find a guy who talks to you 24/7 in the beginning, that itself can be a sign of imbalance.

of course i do not want anyone to talk to me 24/7 but i do not want to wait for weeks in between dates, i will lose interest, certainly, i do not want someone to skip days not talking to me. Plus, it has been almost 1.5 months dating, his behavior shifted, he used to call me beautiful, that i ve been missed almost everyday, we used to talk more the first 3 weeks then his behavior shifted because he is anxious at his work; having a mental illness is not a free pass to treat others like ****.

February 1, 2019

of course i do not want anyone to talk to me 24/7 but i do not want to wait for weeks in between dates, i will lose interest, certainly, i do not want someone to skip days not talking to me. Plus, it has been almost 1.5 months dating, his behavior shifted, he used to call me beautiful, that i ve been missed almost everyday, we used to talk more the first 3 weeks then his behavior shifted because he is anxious at his work; having a mental illness is not a free pass to treat others like ****.

You do realize that those behaviors fade overtime? My bf used to call me beautiful and told me he missed me and so on. At some point, it decreased to a point where I doesn’t call me beautiful bu text and I will get an « I miss you » maybe once every two weeks... yet, the relationship is going great. I’ve read our conversation from the beginning and even my own texts have changed (maybe less drastically then his). It is normal! I don’t know anyone who maintains the same texting habits from the first few weeks of dating. My bf used to text me really often, and now I might get a few texts a day.

As for mental illness, it is not a reason to treat others like sh*t, but it does require compassion from the other person. I suffer from high anxiety and sometimes I just snap for nothing or close myself off. In those times, I’ll be less responsive to texts and sometimes phonecalls.

February 1, 2019

No. i didn't dump anyone and I did not ghost anyone. What happened with the last guy is that i talked with him twice about how communication should be consistent even if we re JUST dating. Last Friday, he didn't talk to me until i texted him on Saturday night ( 1.5 days no talking ), he called me immediately, i told him i dont like this and he was going out btw ( saturday night ), he said he was busy at work and stuff, no, im not buying this bull**** again from anyone ( busy at work ). On the phone, he asked me what are my sunday plans, i told him NOTHING and he just said OKAY, didnt plan to do anything. So i hung up with him and i cut him off without saying anything because we re barely dating to "break up" with someone and i already tried to address the problem to him but in vain. On sunday, he called and he send messages on whatsapp and Instagram but i have already taken the decision so i did not answer him.

From your other post.

This weekend i decided to cut him off because all this guy is bringing to my life is negativity and nervousness. I wanted him to ask me out this weekend but he didnt, he is calling me and whatsapping me and I am not answering. I do not even want to talk to him about it because he will tell me he is busy and stuff, i dont want to hear it. I want a ticket out. I hope he will understand soon.

You ghosted him. You also once dumped him an took it back. You weren’t attracted to him, that’s fine. From what I gathered he tried to balance your unreasonable demand for him to act like a committed partner with his life and own anxieties.

Doesn’t really matter though. But I don’t buy your narrative where you were just a “victim” in that story. What stopped you from asking Him out on Sunday if that’s what you wanted? Absolutely nothing.

February 1, 2019

From your other post.

You ghosted him. You also once dumped him an took it back. You weren’t attracted to him, that’s fine. From what I gathered he tried to balance your unreasonable demand for him to act like a committed partner with his life and own anxieties.

Doesn’t really matter though. But I don’t buy your narrative where you were just a “victim” in that story. What stopped you from asking Him out on Sunday if that’s what you wanted? Absolutely nothing.

I am not a victim but i do believe he doesnt deserve an explanation of why i stopped talking to him. 1 week before this, i talked him and told him i want us to meet more because that's how we can build attraction especially that we dont talk much on the phone. However, the last weekend passed and of course he didn't plan for anything, means he is not really into me. Why wouldnt he ask me out, is it because of his anxiety ? well, then we are not on the same page and i hope he finds the one who can tolerate this slow pace.

February 1, 2019

Why didn’t you ask him out?

February 1, 2019

Why didn’t you ask him out?

Because i already hinted that i want to see him more, and he is the one who is always busy meaning he would ask me when he has time. Just for the record, on our last phone call when he asked what are my Sunday plans, i told him nothing WHY ? he said nothing and change the subject, in which i replied OMG YOU CHANGED THE SUBJECT in which he IGNORED. That was the last straw for me.

February 1, 2019

i am starting to feel guilty now. Should i send a message explaining that i did not ghost and i wish him the best or it is too late ?

February 1, 2019

I do believe he doesnt deserve an explanation of why i stopped talking to him.

Nobody knows why he acted the way he did & whether or not he "deserves" an explanation if he's asking for one & bugging you just tell him. It should make him go away. If you haven't heard from him there is no reason to message him telling him you didn't ghost. Just let this be in your past.

I listen to a particular radio station in the mornings. They do this segment called Blown Off On behalf of somebody who has been ghosted they call the MIA date & ask what went wrong. Most times it's a pretty glaring thing but almost always if the MIA person had simply said I don't want to see you any more because of X, the whole mess could have been avoided.

If you want the right kind of partner, you have to be the right kind of partner. That requires clarity in your own actions & communications.

February 1, 2019

Nobody knows why he acted the way he did & whether or not he "deserves" an explanation if he's asking for one & bugging you just tell him. It should make him go away. If you haven't heard from him there is no reason to message him telling him you didn't ghost. Just let this be in your past.

I listen to a particular radio station in the mornings. They do this segment called Blown Off On behalf of somebody who has been ghosted they call the MIA date & ask what went wrong. Most times it's a pretty glaring thing but almost always if the MIA person had simply said I don't want to see you any more because of X, the whole mess could have been avoided.

If you want the right kind of partner, you have to be the right kind of partner. That requires clarity in your own actions & communications.

I agree with this ^^^

I always treat others like I want to be treated. I would feel disrespected if someone ghosted me or hung up on me. Sometimes I feel the urge to act like that, but I fight against it, and take the time to express myself.

February 1, 2019

No. i didn't dump anyone and I did not ghost anyone. What happened with the last guy is that i talked with him twice about how communication should be consistent even if we re JUST dating. Last Friday, he didn't talk to me until i texted him on Saturday night ( 1.5 days no talking ), he called me immediately, i told him i dont like this and he was going out btw ( saturday night ), he said he was busy at work and stuff, no, im not buying this bull**** again from anyone ( busy at work ). On the phone, he asked me what are my sunday plans, i told him NOTHING and he just said OKAY, didnt plan to do anything. So i hung up with him and i cut him off without saying anything because we re barely dating to "break up" with someone and i already tried to address the problem to him but in vain. On sunday, he called and he send messages on whatsapp and Instagram but i have already taken the decision so i did not answer him.

Maybe you don't know exactly how to communicate well and exercise your standards and boundaries. I think reading this (without really getting into the specifics) is that you aren't going about getting what you want out of a relationship on your end the most effective way to be productive and happy. I think most of the time i see that in people who haven't the skills to do communication well in this type of relationship and thus fall back on somewhat arbitrary things to guide them and do knee jerk reactions. I'm not saying this particular guy is worth or know his end. What i do know is you could probably have handled things better to either get what you want/not messed something up that potentially could be good or at very least handle things where you have no regrets and are SURE of who you are--like it aligns with values you hold for yourself. This sounds like baggage or relationship insecurity (like you expressed in your OP) that will haunt you from relationship to relationship.

February 1, 2019

If you keep acting like this no one will want to date you.

Just poor, ugly behavior.

Learn how to communicate with people,not ignore them and maybe you can have a good relationship.

How you treated this guy was not really fair, no one wants to be ignored.

I wish you the best

February 1, 2019

The “Why” is probably because you came from a nice family and you think everyone is like that. Being too nice and too understanding when it comes to selecting a partner is a very bad idea. And yes there is an attraction factor and when you say “no more” to all of the undesirables, things will change. When you’re a sane person and have led a fairly clean life, you will not be compatible with someone who’s your opposite.

There are certain people that I have a hard and fast rule about not dating — this list may piss off some people:

Men who have or had anger issues

Men who are or were ever abusive - verbally or physically

Men who are doing, or have ever done, hard drugs

Men with prison records

Men whose spouse has died under suspicious circumstances, or where the death even falls into a gray area

Men who claim to be bi-sexual

Men into weird sex

Men who are habitual cheaters

Men who have slept with a really high number of women

Men who are or were alcoholics

Men on drugs for any mental health issue

Men who can’t make a decent living

That’s the short list. Look at it this way, you cannot relate to someone who has wrecked their life or who has mental issues, etc. While you can have sympathy for those people, it does not mean that you should invite them into your home or your life. As harsh as it sounds, you are your first defense against the things you don’t want in your life.

February 1, 2019

If you truly feel guilty and are not just trying to get things going again, then send him a message and say "Sorry I did not respond earlier. I don't think we are the right fit. All the best."

Then let it go. End the drama.

February 1, 2019

Because i already hinted that i want to see him more, and he is the one who is always busy meaning he would ask me when he has time. Just for the record, on our last phone call when he asked what are my Sunday plans, i told him nothing WHY ? he said nothing and change the subject, in which i replied OMG YOU CHANGED THE SUBJECT in which he IGNORED. That was the last straw for me.

I think you should let this guy go but you could learn things from this experience. You could be more direct/ask him out/not make assumptions.

Have your own stuff going on so that the answer is NOT that you have nothing to do on sunday. You want to be living your own good life so you are more attractive to more desirable people and that you don't teach people to take you for granted. An answer like "nothing" pretty much says "take me for granted".

Also maybe it's because of your dating experiences but i sense hostility in the way you communicate with guys (as you've shown in your examples here). Hostility rarely wins you fans.

Also if you try to manage your dating life more in the grey zone rather than the black and white knee jerk reaction above i think it will help. If you are going to break up with a guy every time he doesn't say things in the way you hope, it's gonna be single forever type thing. If you get more comfortable expressing yourself without hostility you might end up with the relationship you want (which will still not be perfect because no one's is). I'm by no means saying this is the right guy, a good guy or you should feel guilty now with this guy, this situation. What I AM saying is this type of behavior and assumption will drive away a good guy as well as a bad one. and not create a healthy good relationship & communication with whoever, possibly making you feel more desperate and more like you always end up with bad guys (a vicious cycle where exactly what you worry about comes true). Try changing some of your approach.

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