I Think I Finally Figured Out Why I’ve Failed At Dating

January 28, 2019

Ive recently moved to a new state a few months ago and have been wanting to get out there and try to find love again. Dating has never worked out for me so this is definitely scary in the first place. The butterflies fade and turns more into anxiety, the texting slows down, no sign of future dates and poof its like we’re back to where we started again.

Theres this guy Ive been seeing for the past month. We met on a dating app on Christmas Day, hit it off felt like we were both on the same page in what we were both looking for relationship wise. He said he preferred relationships and wasn't the type to do casual sex... and I am the same way and I don’t multidate. We met up a couple days later and had an amazing first date, attraction was strong and seemed like he was very into me. We had sex after a few times of seeing each other and both agreed to be exclusive regarding sex but the topic of an official couple didn’t come up....

Ok so, since the beginning I noticed this guy maybe wasnt a big texter. I initiated most of the time after our first date. His texts were short and didn’t seem like he wanted to continue any conversation through texting unless it was sexting. He did mention before that he preferred face to face conversations as theres only so much you can get from texting.

Anyways, its been very weird lately and we have barely talked I havent seen him over a week now and he hasnt mentioned anything about meeting up again. I know hes been stressed lately and he seems like a busy guy. But I am over here thinking that its because our signs are incompatible as I am a Pisces and hes a Gemini. Hes very distant and I am very needy.

Im feeling like maybe this wont go anywhere. Ive been researching and trying to look for an explanation as to how to deal with this type of guy. Im trying to give him space so I decided to stop initiating contact since Friday. I havnt heard from him since so 2 days so far NC.....

As I’m researching online tonight....I came about a couple of articles from relationship coaches explaining to let the guy take the lead at the beginning stages of dating. This is where a lightbulb turned on in my head..I ALWAYS end up doing all the work in relationships. I complain about it but I still keep doing it without even noticing it myself. I get myself attached very quickly, I’m the one mostly initiating contact, im the one asking the guy when will be the next time I see him, I make myself available for them, I’m very pleasing, I tell them I like them and Miss them and act like a girlfriend before even getting the label. And that’s my problem.

Once I start catching feelings, i am not giving the guy the opportunity to reach out to me and persuing me. I’m making it easy for the guy to get what he wants without working for it because I make it obvious that I like them a lot already. They don’t need to do anything else.. they've beaten the game. Men are natural hunters and I’m not letting them hunt I’m letting them catch me without a fight. How did I not see this earlier??? This whole time I’m thinking I’m not pretty enough or maybe I didn’t try enough. I just needed to relax and let them lead. Bam! Lol

I’m giving this guy until this coming Friday to reach out and then I’m moving on. It’s sad because yeah I really like him and I’m just very tired of the dating scene and the mind games. Just want to finally have a genuine healthy relationship with someone and have my feelings reciprocated.

Thanks for reading and thank you all for posting your stories on here. LS has been one of my means of researching and finding out what I’ve been doing wrong this whole time.

Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix formatting

January 28, 2019

But I am over here thinking that its because our signs are incompatible as I am a Pisces and hes a Gemini.

No, it's because he's not that into you.

All this behavioural analysis and psychological profiling, you don't need it. You're thinking about this all wrong. Trying to 'win' the attention of someone who's only half interested in you in the first place is shooting yourself in the foot. You're playing to win the booby prize. Since the male and female dating coaches are both teaching 'communicate less', pretty soon nobody will talk to anybody.

When two genuine people meet and are interested in each other, you don't need any of this. You don't have problems to overcome in the first few weeks. You don't need to prove your value or play the right role. I'm all for self-improvement in dating and relationships, but the goal should be to reduce your issues and insecurities and make yourself a better person, not to try to adapt like a chameleon to match your latest date.

Edited January 28, 2019 by Andy_K

January 28, 2019

Good for you! I woudnt sweat this guy. Get back out there and let the man pursue.

I know you said you don't multi-date but I would highly recommend not volunteering the information. Men can prey on that and tell you the same thing and be lying his behind off. So don't tell a guy your only seeing him unless he ask you to be his exclusive girlfriend.

January 29, 2019

No, it's because he's not that into you.

All this behavioural analysis and psychological profiling, you don't need it. You're thinking about this all wrong. Trying to 'win' the attention of someone who's only half interested in you in the first place is shooting yourself in the foot. You're playing to win the booby prize. Since the male and female dating coaches are both teaching 'communicate less', pretty soon nobody will talk to anybody.

When two genuine people meet and are interested in each other, you don't need any of this. You don't have problems to overcome in the first few weeks. You don't need to prove your value or play the right role. I'm all for self-improvement in dating and relationships, but the goal should be to reduce your issues and insecurities and make yourself a better person, not to try to adapt like a chameleon to match your latest date.

Thank you for your thoughts. Yeah I feel like I am thinking way too much about this situation and stressing myself out for nothing. I forget who I am when I’m interested in someone. Being single for so long I thought maybe finally I’m ready to put myself out there. But it seems as if once I start something with someone and I put my wall down it goes downhill from there. I need more work on myself.

January 29, 2019

Don’t date one man at a time.

Date several men casually until you are exclusive.

January 29, 2019

Good for you! I woudnt sweat this guy. Get back out there and let the man pursue.

I know you said you don't multi-date but I would highly recommend not volunteering the information. Men can prey on that and tell you the same thing and be lying his behind off. So don't tell a guy your only seeing him unless he ask you to be his exclusive girlfriend.

Ugh... I broke NC today because I was feeling sooo sad and I was sleeping all day and all I Was hoping for was a message from him when I woke up. ...nothing. So I decided to reach out and messaged on Facebook “Hey! How was your weekend?”. There goes my ass with my bad habits of initiating first smh ...He took exactly an hour and 30 minutes to reply back with “I have a pretty bad cold, just been in bed for the past few days fml”. Then I responded “uh oh seems like something is going around. My two dorky roommates are the same lol hope you feel better soon”....I’m sure he’s been in bed these past few days with other girls probably shagging up . Anyways he responds with this “Hope you don’t get sick. Yeah I’ll let you know when I feel better”

I did not respond after that..as I was messaging him I decided to go back on bumble the dating app where we met and guess what? His profile is still up there with a new about me description saying “I’ll purposely use my dog to flirt with you”. I’m furious ....as he asked me if I wanted him to delete it and I said yes and I told him I deleted mine. I always give the benefit of the doubt to people that don’t give me shyt.

I’m not reaching out to him anymore when I’m feeling like shyt I’m just going to turn off my phone. And since he’s sooooooo sick he’s probably going die because I probably won’t hear from him anyways. I’m glad I broke NC in a way, I’m going to take it as closure. Even though I don’t need it from him.

Edited January 29, 2019 by c1nderella

January 29, 2019

Don’t date one man at a time.

Date several men casually until you are exclusive.

This had always been my issue ..I feel very disloyal talking to multiple guys at once. How can I connect with multiple people at once? I just don’t know how to do that. But I guess that’s the only way.

January 29, 2019

Don’t date one man at a time.

Date several men casually until you are exclusive.

if some woman told me that she was dateing other nameless, faceless men at the same time as me I would tell her it is over.

January 29, 2019

if some woman told me that she was dateing other nameless, faceless men at the same time as me I would tell her it is over.

Do you date multiple women at the same time?

See that’s why I don’t like to do that it’s never felt right. Plus if I’m focusing on one person I know it might not be the case but would expect out of respect for the guy to do the same.

January 29, 2019

Do you date multiple women at the same time?

See that’s why I don’t like to do that it’s never felt right. Plus if I’m focusing on one person I know it might not be the case but would expect out of respect for the guy to do the same.

dont u have to have the exclusive conversation though?

January 29, 2019

Too soon to be having sex, smh. He’s a stranger, and you’re also a stranger.

Should’ve gotten to know each other better. People have no patience nowadays, absolutely none.

Only about the quick gratification.

January 29, 2019

dont u have to have the exclusive conversation though?

No, not necessarily. Let’s say I’m on a dating app and match with a few guys after a couple exchanged messages I start focusing more on one person. Once we start chatting and meet up if the date goes well that’s it for me I don’t keep looking. Even if this guy didn’t bring up the exclusivity talk.

This guy I was talking to brought it up saying he liked one on one things and said he prefers relationships and doesn’t have casual sex. That if he’s going to be having sex with someone it’s long term. But yet some guys aren’t so honest just to get what they want..sex. And yeah I guess I’m weak. Once I like someone sex feels good and I want to give my all to this person. That’s where I go wrong.

January 29, 2019

You're right. You should let the man pursue, that way you can tell how interested he is in you. This is where dating other men comes into play, but NEVER TELL the man you like you're seeing other men. It will turn them off.

What you do is your business. Men like a little mystery too. They like a challenge, meaning a little push and pull, hot and cold. Leave them wondering if you like them or not. They want to work for it to value it.

Since this guy doesn't seem 100% into you, don't fret, there's still a way to change it around and it begins with NOT CONTACTING him. Date another guy or two and I guarantee you, your positive energy will be felt by this guy and he'll text you at some point asking to see you.

So then you'll have your chance to act like a prize. Be a bit aloof, but flirty. Don't have sex on your next date, he'll wonder if he did something wrong and will realize he has to start all over again if he wants to go there.

But you have to be emotionally strong and tell yourself you are worthy.

Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

January 29, 2019

Do you date multiple women at the same time?

not really. I focus on one. when I was younger and had more energy and was more handsome I would date multiple girls at a time

I remember back in 1991-92 I was dating four women at the same time and it eventually ended in me with egg on my face

January 29, 2019

Since this guy doesn't seem 100% into you, don't fret, there's still a way to change it around and it begins with NOT CONTACTING him. Date another guy or two and I guarantee you, your positive energy will be felt by this guy and he'll text you at some point asking to see you.

Ok I’m going to follow the multidating advice and I will not contact him again. I really like this guy and I want a do-over. I want him to want me. And I did everything wrong so now he’s pulling away. I guess this is my last and only chance.

Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 29, 2019

OK to let the man pursue you BUT don't forget to reciprocate. A lot of guys give up or lose interest if you do nothing...they will tend to go for someone who is receptive to their advances. Just tone it down a little is all and you will be fine.

January 29, 2019

This had always been my issue ..I feel very disloyal talking to multiple guys at once. How can I connect with multiple people at once? I just don’t know how to do that. But I guess that’s the only way.

l'd say that's about the worst thing you could do anyway, be true to you OP and as Ak was saying , when it's on the right track it doesn't have to be complicated.

lt wouldn't be me either or most people l'd imagine , it's hard enough finding even one "real" thing, worth even bothering to try. Seeing 2 or 3 people at once is just chasing their own tail with zero picker and wasting time on no body dead ends anyway.

Edited January 29, 2019 by chillii

January 29, 2019

OK to let the man pursue you BUT don't forget to reciprocate. A lot of guys give up or lose interest if you do nothing...they will tend to go for someone who is receptive to their advances. Just tone it down a little is all and you will be fine.

l'd say that's about the worst thing you could do anyway, be true to you OP and as Ak was saying , when it's on the right track it doesn't have to be complicated.
lt wouldn't be me either or most people l'd imagine , it's hard enough finding even one "real" thing, worth even bothering to try. Seeing 2 or 3 people at once is just chasing their own tail with zero picker and wasting time on no body dead ends anyway.

You both are right. Maybe it’s not about that I don’t multidate that makes me become too attached to one guy but maybe that’s just it that I need to relax and tone it down and stop acting clingy and needy. I don’t mind a needy clingy guy if I like him lol but guys work differently.

This guy I matched on bumble yesterday asked me out for dinner this week. I feel sooo weird. I feel like I’m wasting the guys money and time on that dinner because I’m not really looking forward to it you know? Im not excited to meet anyone else. I feel Like I’m cheating or something even though I’m not even in a relationship. I still like the guy I’ve been talking to obviously and I’m going NC and hopefully he’ll reach out to me because that’s the guy I want.

I think my way of moving things fast because I’m desperate to find love, I end up sabotaging my own happiness. Like Interstellar said I don’t know how to wait and I’m very impatient.

January 29, 2019

not really. I focus on one. when I was younger and had more energy and was more handsome I would date multiple girls at a time

I remember back in 1991-92 I was dating four women at the same time and it eventually ended in me with egg on my face

Haha lesson learned hard. So how do you deal with not getting too attached too soon with the girl? Do you get turned off and pull away when a girls starts acting like I have..needy and initiating all the time? Just want a guys perspective.

January 29, 2019

Here is what you do.

Talk to multiple guys. Get to know them. Don't worry about guys who are flaky and who come in and out. Why? There will be a suitor That will began to stick out from the rest anyway. He shows effort. He is interested. He asks you out. He calls. He treats you well. He doesn't show any deal breaking red flags. As y'all get to know each other you will find you have things in common and seem to have shared values. You will find yourself naturally ignoring the other suitors because the guy that stands out is taking up your time naturally. Essentially he would act like a boyfriend all on his own. He may ask to see you on the days you set aside for dating consistently. He is contacting you everyday. This alone will make you naturally focus on one guy because he is taking up the available time that it won't make sense to squeeze in a suitor but instead your focusing on the guy that shows you he wants to invest in a relationship witn you. This is much better than you choosing to focus on a guy who hasn't shown you he is truly consistent or interested in more with you. The guy that acts like a boyfriend before exclusivity normally asks to be your boyfriend . Now if the suitor starts to flake again that's okay because your not initiating contact anyway. You respond to guys who contact. You reward guys who pursue. Guys who flake and ghost will weed themselves out.

Smackie mentioned being reciprocal. though I recommend letting men initiate I don't believe a woman should play games. If he calls and texts then be responsive and positive and interested. If he asks you out give him a time your free and don't play that coy sh*t. Your giving autonomy by letting him intiate anyway. Show him that contacting you won't be a waste of his time. If he does get flaky well your not contacting him anyway and you can focus on the suitors who are not flaky. Reward consistency. If he asks to call sometime then call reciprocally. Don't be stubborn on some "no men should only call me". Oblige if he asks. Otherwise let him pursue. This takes a lot of pressure off guys cause your not calling guys who flake on the carpet when they are not even your boyfriend and your showing the guy that shows effort that he is welcomed and your not playing any stupid games with him and your also not pressuring him. Your allowing him to choose you as his girl because he wants to.

They contact when they want but you get to choose guys that contact you the way you want. Imo this is much easier, less stressful, and less drama in dating. May the best man win

January 30, 2019

Haha lesson learned hard. So how do you deal with not getting too attached too soon with the girl? Do you get turned off and pull away when a girls starts acting like I have..needy and initiating all the time? Just want a guys perspective.

if you're dating three or four women concurrently you don't have the time to become too attached, trust me

January 30, 2019

Frankly, I don't see how you can avoid dating multiple people at the same time.

I mean ... one date is not "dating." So the most successful online daters I know set up a lot of meetings ...

I assume "dating" multiple people means hanging out with different people UNTIL the point it becomes clear you're not interested or just don't want to see the person.

Like for three dates ... I think you can understandably see multiple people because it's foolish to avoid someone because you have a date with one person coming up ... Now, if naturally you date one at a time, fine ...

BTW: OP, your original note is on the money. YOU are working too hard ... and you are probably not picking up when other people are not interested. You're "covering up" their lack of interest by working so hard ...

Working hard and working more than the other person, I'm sorry to say, is a recipe for nothing--for being taken for granted, for attaching too quickly, investing in the person too soon and too much ... Good friendships and good relations are by definition reciprocal. I laugh at your joke. You laugh at mine. I do you a favor. You thank me and start sharing more of yourself with me ...

It has to be reciprocal ... has to be.

January 30, 2019

You're really making it too difficult on yourself. A relationship isnt about how you feel about some guy; it has to be reciprocated. If you have a date or two with a guy, and you like him, and you perceive he likes you, then let him show you his interest. If a guy really likes you, he will show you, he can't help himself. He'll contact you. Make him work a little at it; you're worth it.

January 30, 2019

if you're dating three or four women concurrently you don't have the time to become too attached, trust me

Exactly! That is why it's best to multi-date. Dating 3 or 4 guys keeps your attention off getting serious.

January 30, 2019

No, it's because he's not that into you.

All this behavioural analysis and psychological profiling, you don't need it. You're thinking about this all wrong. Trying to 'win' the attention of someone who's only half interested in you in the first place is shooting yourself in the foot. You're playing to win the booby prize. Since the male and female dating coaches are both teaching 'communicate less', pretty soon nobody will talk to anybody.

When two genuine people meet and are interested in each other, you don't need any of this. You don't have problems to overcome in the first few weeks. You don't need to prove your value or play the right role. I'm all for self-improvement in dating and relationships, but the goal should be to reduce your issues and insecurities and make yourself a better person, not to try to adapt like a chameleon to match your latest date.

This is golden!

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