bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 Actually, you did lead him on. I remember I once told a guy about how this friend of mine was wanting to date me but I didn’t want to date him. He was a friend and I wanted it to stay that way. I went to visit this friend once in his city and the friend kissed me before I left. I told the other guy about it and he told me that I shouldn’t have slept with my friend because that was sending the wrong message, that I was leading him on. Now, I didn’t sleep with the friend, that was just the other guy’s way of figuring out if I did or not. However, my point is, when we sleep with another person, or when we establish some long-term romantic relationship with them - whether it’s physical or not - we’re sending a message. It doesn’t matter what words come out of your mouth, your actions are what people “hear”. As I always say, there’s no such thing as a casual relationship. So, yeah, you did your share of leading him on and he’s obviously hurt. Instead of being pissed off about it, why not be a little kinder in your heart about the whole screwed up situation and cut everyone some slack? 1
JuneL Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 I seriously hope the husband is getting intensive therapy. I just can’t imagine how bad things will be once he snaps, after having bottled up everything for so long. As ironic as it may sound, this can happen when the OP decides to leave him.
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 It sounds like you have come a long way. I don't understand why the om is kvetching now. What I don’t understand is why you are even talking about him. For goodness sake, protect yourself and your marriage by establishing a boundary around this man. It does not matter what he thinks - focus on your husband and your reconciliation. He may have been a part of your past, but he does not need to have any influence on your present or your future. In other words, don’t let him take more from you than he already has...
Author TheRainbow Posted February 1, 2019 Author Posted February 1, 2019 I took everyone's advice and told my "friend "that I didn't want to hear anything more about the other man. My husband was a bit peeved I didn't discuss it with him. I told him it wasn't healthy and that we know and have enough evidence to proceed.
Mrs._December Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 I may be wrong but seems to me a lot of the reconciliation is based upon a hatred for the common enemy ie the OM. Both Rainbow and her husband can take some sort of comfort when the OM is being metaphorically beaten up, but it got a lot more uncomfortable when the OM put his sad side of the story into the arena for consideration. I've seen this done a lot on infidelity boards over the years. The BS mistakenly directs all their anger at the affair partner instead of where it belongs - on their cheating spouse's shoulders. The affair partner is the 'villain' in the BS's eyes, and their cheating spouse plays right along with it because it takes the heat off their shoulders and they unite as a team in an 'us against the affair partner' mentality. It's a pretty ingenious way for a cheater to get out of the hot seat and let someone else take the heat for them. If I'm reading correctly, the OP has been cheating on her husband for years and even got pregnant with her MOM's child - and the husband is actually staying in the marriage????? OP, if I'm reading the other posts in this thread correctly, you were all set to leave your husband when you found out you were pregnant, and would have if your MOM had wanted to be together? Does your husband know this?
JuneL Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 The fun part about this marriage is that the cheating wife has always had the upper hand: It was the husband who begged her to stay in the marriage, after what she had done to him. And the most amazing thing was, she didn’t get pregnant with the OM by accident, but they had been having unprotected sex for a few years. And she actually blamed it on her having low self-esteem growing up...how convenient! If we just apply the same standards to the OM, then he can’t be nearly as evil as she and her husband made him out to be. The OP has been very manipulative, at a subconscious level at least.
JuneL Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 With that said, I believe you are doing about as good as you can under the circumstances. Except when she spoke about the OM, in a tone do full of distain.
Author TheRainbow Posted February 1, 2019 Author Posted February 1, 2019 If I'm reading correctly, the OP has been cheating on her husband for years and even got pregnant with her MOM's child - and the husband is actually staying in the marriage????? OP, if I'm reading the other posts in this thread correctly, you were all set to leave your husband when you found out you were pregnant, and would have if your MOM had wanted to be together? Does your husband know this? I did get pregnant by my mOM child. I never wanted to be in an actual relationship with the OM. In May in the parking lot of where I worked at the time, my husband confronted the other man, and the other man was taunting my husband saying that we were going to be together. I told both my husband right then and there I didn't want to be with either one of them. My husband, I had filed for divorce right before. Then in July my husband and I relocated to the state where we live now, and separated, then I found out I was pregnant with our youngest daughter. He did ask me for a DNA test on this one which as I knew was his. But after being seperated for a bit, I really missed him. And did a lot of self-reflection where I realized just how messed up I was, and just how deluded my perception was on everything. So we started spending more time together and in December I moved in with him in his condo.
Author TheRainbow Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 Monday we are going forward with the first steps to having any rights the OM will have terminated. My husband and I talked today, and we both agree that we are both tired from looking over our shoulders worrying about what ifs and what not. We can't begin to really put any of this behind us and move forward with the other man and the other man's wife still in our business. I know this is my own doing. I know I wish I could take all this back. All I can do is stand by my husband side and do right by my marriage. I realize the anger on my part is not justified, and I need to just let go. Thanks, everyone for the advice, both harsh and encouraging. 1
bathtub-row Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Just my opinion but unless the OM has stated that he wants absolutely nothing to do with his child, then you have no right to take that child’s father away from him/her. Part of dealing with this situation is dealing with the realities— and the reality is that the child has a different father than your husband. Even if the OM wants nothing to do with the child right now, he may change his mind once all the dust settles. I hope you understand the gravity of what you’re doing.
nittygritty Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Check the laws in your state. If your husband’s name is on the birth certificate as the father he is likely legally considered the father by the courts. There also might be a stipulation that if paternity goes unchallenged after a certain amount of time that paternity is established. No need to go thru the process of terminating the OM’s parental rights.
Author TheRainbow Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 unless the OM has stated that he wants absolutely nothing to do with his child, then you have no right to take that child’s father away from him/her. He did text my "friend" just not to me, that he wants nothing to do with the baby. He called my daughter a bastard and wanted her to go away.
Author TheRainbow Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 There also might be a stipulation that if paternity goes unchallenged after a certain amount of time that paternity is established. No need to go thru the process of terminating the OM’s parental rights. Unfortunately there isn't a stipulation. But the longer it goes it does make it harder for him to get rights. But it puts our DD if he decides to do this when she is much older of undue stress. And we, particularly my husband is stressed out over this, and it'd be best to just get it over with. If the OM wants to be involved, he can fight us, or at least counter it.
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Unfortunately there isn't a stipulation. But the longer it goes it does make it harder for him to get rights. But it puts our DD if he decides to do this when she is much older of undue stress. And we, particularly my husband is stressed out over this, and it'd be best to just get it over with. If the OM wants to be involved, he can fight us, or at least counter it. Is your husband's name on the birth certificate?
Author TheRainbow Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 Is your husband's name on the birth certificate? Yes. He's legally her father right now. But we have a lawyer, and worst case scenerio he could come and want rights to the baby. Right now he claims he doesn't want the baby. But in a few weeks, after the last tie to all their drama, but he could retaliate. We just want him, his wife, and all that crap in the past.
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Yes. He's legally her father right now. But we have a lawyer, and worst case scenerio he could come and want rights to the baby. Right now he claims he doesn't want the baby. But in a few weeks, after the last tie to all their drama, but he could retaliate. We just want him, his wife, and all that crap in the past. Can it ever be truly in the past? He is her biological father, I guess at some point he will want involvement. She will want to see her biological father too. Legally you may exclude him, but you can't just pretend he doesn't exist forever.
Author TheRainbow Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) He will never be 100% out of our lives. My faughter and his relationship in the future will be about her and not us. When the time comes we'll sit down and tell her the truth. But at the end of the day she'll have a dad she can count on. If she finds peace in forming a relationship with him, then great. My husband, through no fault of his, will have to accept it. Edited February 2, 2019 by TheRainbow
pepperbird Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 He will never be 100% out of our lives. My faughter and his relationship in the future will be about her and not us. When the time comes we'll sit down and tell her the truth. But at the end of the day she'll have a dad she can count on. If she finds peace in forming a relationship with him, then great. My husband, through no fault of his, will have to accept it. OP, I know it may be really difficult, but please tell your child this as soon as she is able to understand. As an adopted person who is going through the ups and downs of trying to find my biological parents, I can assure the process is very upsetting. You know his name and I would hope when your child can find him whenever he or she feels ready. Right now, I would give my eye teeth for that opportunity.
Cullenbohannon Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 He did text my "friend" just not to me, that he wants nothing to do with the baby. He called my daughter a bastard and wanted her to go away. You have a duty as a mother to protect your child. Some may say you have no right to remove him as a father. We vehemently disagree. The damage these words would inflict on her would be immeasurable. One man calls your child a bastard. One man calls her daughter. One man says he wants nothing to do with her. One man is fighting desperately for the forever. There is only one Father here. Do what you got to do. Good luck on Monday.
Author TheRainbow Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 One man calls your child a bastard. One man calls her daughter. One man says he wants nothing to do with her. One man is fighting desperately for the forever. This is just it. Besides the one time where he threatened to take the baby away from me, he has shown zero interest. He hasn't asked about her, and the only times he has mentioned her is too call her names, and that he doesn't want her. She has a daddy who desperately wants her. What is so wrong with that? If the other man truly wants to be a part of her life, he'll put a fight but I don't think he will.
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