Girlfriend says she can't tell me personal stuff. Should I be worried?

[mortensorchid]

Have you ever asked her WHY she isn't comfortable talking about certain things? I can tell you that I can and do sound like her in the situations, I usually stay fairly silent in groups. Why? Because people can, will and have taken things about me and used them against me. Even ridiculous things like if I tell them what my favorite color is or my favorite food is. Has she been hurt by others? Because if so, I am here to tell you that it can and will change you and your attitudes about being around people.

 

As her bf? Well, that's another matter. Because boyfriends can and will do just that as much as so called friends will. On a different level of course. But ... That aside you have to either accept this or not accept this. I find when I keep things to myself I am much happier no one is in my business, no one can and will take things and use them against me, and I stay in my own little box away from them.

[SkipDontRun]

Is she intimate with you in other ways? I don't mean sexually but emotionally / physically (non-sex).

 

I've got expereice of dating (and marrying) a girl with walls. What I'm trying to get at is how much does she let you in vs shut you out..

 

Does she talk about the way things make her feel or what they make her think?

 

Does she chill out in her sweats on a duvet day or does she put her eyelashes on before you wake up?

 

Does she demonstrate trust in you in other areas?

 

No I get you!

Its a weird one, in the main we do have a really open, close, relationship, but it's probably something that im more comfortable with than she is/

 

We'll have really in depth long convos about inner feelings and i guess what you'd call quite emotionally intimate stuff: personality, family, dreams, relationships, you name it!

But she'll often finish with a disclaimer "I don't know why I'm telling you all this", "omg I don't know what it is why do i end up pouring out my heart when we talk", or even "anyway, lets change subject".

 

She'll defo chill out in her sweats. We're even at that stage where we can both be ill and just crash out all day together being ill, feeling sorry for ourselves, and watching tele. I LOVE that. As weird as that sounds that's so big for me. I think a relationship for me is somewhere to feel secure, safe, home, thats not something I have a lot in my life so it means a lot!

But she'll often apologise after! "Ahh, how embarrassing I was such a state", "omg, it was not okay you had to look after me like that"

 

She TELLS me she trusts me a lot, but it is always with that same self-scolding edge "I can't believe I trust you so much so quickly"

 

She does demonstrate trust in me though, so i guess she must.

 

When you say 'this particular time', so does she stop you on all different personal issues? Or is it all one thing she wont tell you?

No I think it all links back to one thing. It's definitely family related. But I never know whats going to link to that i.e. like the house thing, i thought that was a totally innocent remark!

[SkipDontRun]

Have you ever asked her WHY she isn't comfortable talking about certain things?

Kinda, I'll scrap back the surface a little, but I never delve into her.

If she says "Its too private" then I've never challenged that and asked her why. I've just accepted it!

 

Because people can, will and have taken things about me and used them against me. Even ridiculous things like if I tell them what my favorite color is or my favorite food is. Has she been hurt by others? Because if so, I am here to tell you that it can and will change you and your attitudes about being around people.

A lot of what you say there rings really true! Like the bolded, she would agree with you 100%

I think though the thing is, when she talks about it, its from a third person position. As in like, she'll talk about having watched one friend break another friends trust, so then she knows not to trust that person, to not end up the way their friend did. On that same basis she'll basically not really trust anyone, it's like a "hey, if they can break someone elses trust they they could break mine" kinda deal

 

Thats what she'll TELL me anyway. Wether she's been more directly hurt than that - I dunno! It's not un-possible

 

As her bf? Well, that's another matter. Because boyfriends can and will do just that as much as so called friends will. On a different level of course. But ... That aside you have to either accept this or not accept this. I find when I keep things to myself I am much happier no one is in my business, no one can and will take things and use them against me, and I stay in my own little box away from them.

I get it! I don't need to know, I'm not worried about knowing! I just can't understand the almost making a big deal out of not telling me! Why draw attention to it!?

[Lotsgoingon]

I might be off here, but I'll offer this suggestion.

 

I'm a person that people often share A LOT with ... and share more than with other people ... I'm a good listener. And ... sometimes the person will say, "I can't believe I'm telling you all this."

 

When I hear that, I now say, "Oh, what you're saying makes total sense. It's interesting, deep, yada."

 

Usually if I do that ... offer the reassurance line ... the person keeps on talking!

 

You sound on top of things, though ... so you might have already done this.

 

BTW: I'm not spending energy going deep into reassuring the person. I'm talking about a one-sentence reply of reassurance. If the person needs more than that, well ... I'm not going to beg them to open up.

[SkipDontRun]

I might be off here, but I'll offer this suggestion.

 

I'm a person that people often share A LOT with ... and share more than with other people ... I'm a good listener. And ... sometimes the person will say, "I can't believe I'm telling you all this."

 

When I hear that, I now say, "Oh, what you're saying makes total sense. It's interesting, deep, yada."

 

Usually if I do that ... offer the reassurance line ... the person keeps on talking!

Yeah that makes sense! Maybe I don't do it as well as it should, I never quite know what to say to that. I just always tell her she can tell me anything, her, me, and those four walls.

 

Im always conscious of not looking like im prying so maybe I dont encourage her enough I don't know!

 

I don't like it when people really push me to talk about the past, it makes me uncomfortable. But i think part of this is that Im such an open book that if they're pushing me for more detail, then they really are digging pretty deep.

Whereas shes so private that I guess its feasibly she needs additional encouragement.

 

If the person needs more than that, well ... I'm not going to beg them to open up.

yeah yeah exactly!!

[brokenblade]

The only thing you can do is just let her talk about what she is talking about at her own pace. I do understand the frustration. I have a friend that brings things up and then...gets weird. I tell her that if she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, it's probably better not to bring it up.

 

There are things in my life that I have not told her. As a matter of fact, in the 6 years I've known her, I feel as if I've told her everything about my life that I am going to tell her.

[SkipDontRun]

The only thing you can do is just let her talk about what she is talking about at her own pace. I do understand the frustration.

Yeah I guess. That's what I've been doing, I just find it all a bit weird!

 

 

I have a friend that brings things up and then...gets weird. I tell her that if she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, it's probably better not to bring it up.

 

There are things in my life that I have not told her. As a matter of fact, in the 6 years I've known her, I feel as if I've told her everything about my life that I am going to tell her.

Yeah literally. If i dont want to talk about something with someone, i just dont bring it up.

I dont want to be to blunt with her though and make her feel like she cant talk to me