SkipDontRun Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 So I(25) met this girl(24) in May. Her best friends kid brother plays football for the Sunday league team team I coach, she came along to watch him play, caught my eye, I asked her out, and she said yes. Classic boy meets girl, right. Since then we've been dating, not too serious off the bat, and we had to do long distance over Aug/Sep, but I think It actually made us more serious, since shes been back home from Oct we've been really solid. We're definitely together more than we're apart at this point. And things are great. I love her. Beautiful. Capable. Funny. We can just be doing absolutely nothing and yet I lose all track of time because we never run out of things to say! To the outside world she's quiet in a group, where I'm Mr Centre of Attention, but when its just us, honestly, all I want to do is listen to her!! So here's the little thing that's niggling at me... Ever since I've known her she's talked about being a private person, not telling people about her life and whats happened in her life. She doesn't trust anyone enough to 'tell them everything' or 'pour out her heart'. I get that, it takes time to open up. Only, lets flash forward: I feel like I do know her really well, we talk about all sorts, I think I see her in a way the rest of the world doesn't. I trust her with anything. Only she still from time to time makes this elusive comments about not being able to talk about her life. I'll quote her exact wording today when mid conversation I asked a what I believed to be simple question "Sorry, I just don't want to go there, It's so personal" IT BAFFLES ME!!! It baffles me for two reasons: 1) If SHE didn't make those statements, I wouldn't know there was a problem!! I feel like I do know her, and I do know her background! We talk about childhood, we talk about uni, we go out for dinner with her family, we entertain her friends.... whats even left to know!!? 2) What can she possibly feel like she can't tell me!? I know she found her parents break-up hard, I know it was messy, this is the subject she clams up on. But, she still has her mum, who's lovely. They all moved in with her grandparents and grew up in this gorgeous big farm house on a livery yard. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I just don't get what is too personal to tell me.. I'm her boyfriend. She tells me she loves me! I haven't held anything back from her.. I was raised by my nan because I never knew who my dad was and my mum was an addict. My nan died when I was 11 and then I preceded to move from care home to care home. It's not like I couldn't understand what it is to have 'family issues'! I get that like theres some stuff you dont want to talk about, but literally she could just fob me off with any old answer and i woudn't know any better but she doesn't. She basically says she can't tell me..... What is that?? Honesty? Or is it trying to create an illusion of a wall, keep me distant whenever I start to get too close?? We do have super personal convos anyway in our day to day, so it's not everything (when we first started dating she was pretty reserved out everything but not anymore), it's literally just this one subject. But whenever she touches on it and then backs away she makes these comments, and like if she doesnt want to tell me, thats cool, I never even asked her too (i thought I already knew everything) but the insinuation of almost not trusting me enough... It hurts a bit. What's a guy to do, eh? Yours truly, Skip 1
basil67 Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 This part of her life she won't talk about....do you think there's trauma involved? If so, she may not have processed it sufficiently to be able to talk about it. Or talking about it may cause her too much pain and she doesn't want to put herself through that.
Wallysbears Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 You are only together a few months. Relax.
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 This part of her life she won't talk about....do you think there's trauma involved? If so, she may not have processed it sufficiently to be able to talk about it. Or talking about it may cause her too much pain and she doesn't want to put herself through that. What do you mean by trauma? Thing is, I get if something too painful to talk about! That’s okay! I haven’t once pushed her to tell me anything, but we have this pattern every time where she voluntarily just offers up some personal Info I haven’t asked/pushed her for, and then pulls back from it! Each time she does she gets super weird and distant, then I’ll change the subject totally and she calms down and relaxes again
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 You are only together a few months. Relax. Well, your talking 8 months all together... but super serious about 4. A fair bit of time still!
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 She doesn't have to tell you everything just because you are her BF. There will be things she will never tell you about, and that should be respected. Have some empathy. You don't want her to relive painful memories, right? So let it go. And btw 4 months is a mere pittance. 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 Awww this post warmed my heart Skip if I were you I wouldn't pressure it. I too wonder wth this girl is hiding but the fact of the matter is she is just not ready to reveal it and if you want to keep her you just have to respect that buddy. I don't see value in giving ultimatums here. She seems to be communicative about everything else. You haven't mentioned any other redflags except this one. So I think I would just let this one go. I wouldn't take it personally as if she doesn't love you. This thing she is not ready to talk about is just very deep and hurtful for her. So let's not push her towards such pain if you call yourself loving her . Just continue to be there and communicate as best you can and let her tell you when she ready. 2
Wallysbears Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 Well, your talking 8 months all together... but super serious about 4. A fair bit of time still! I have shoes I haven’t decided if I like for longer than 4 months. Slow down and give it time. 1
soyou Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 I think this is very insensitive of her. She doesn't need to press about the fact that she cannot share with you everything in detail EVERY TIME. You can just tell her that her statement made you feel sad and wonder. So she learns how to not hurt your feelings. From my personal standpoint, there can be 2 possible scenarios: 1. She went through something very shameful or traumatised that she doesn't wanna talk about it. But if she doesnt wanna talk about it, she should avoid any topic related to it. Not just bring it up, telling it half way, and then stop. 2. She's trying to be mysterious (deep down she's insecure or trying to hide something) I'm no doctor here so these are just what coming out from my head! 2
Heidi_Alot Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 i think its only ok to lie to your partner if you are worried you'll lose them by saying the truth. my girlfriend lied to me but only once and it was only because she thought i'd leave her if i knew. but she came clean anyway in the end and i didn't leave
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 I realize this can feel frustrating. You feel like you can share anything with her, but there are things she just won't share with you. You wonder why. Maybe you wonder if she feels the same. Perhaps you wonder if there's a lack of trust in you, and that can feel like a slight. I'd assume there's some trauma or a very difficult situation she wants to keep out of her mind. She doesn't want to think about it, and talking about it makes it worse. Perhaps she is worried what you might think even though you may show tremendous empathy. We are all allowed to keep things private. It becomes a problem for the relationship if she allows the past to influence her behavior in a way that causes problems between the both of you. For example, someone who's been abused may lash out (yell/scream) very easily during arguments. Someone may hide large debt that becomes a huge problem for both partners once finances are intertwined. Does everything feel great except that she doesn't want to tell you certain things? 1
golden.peach Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Both of you are understandable. While I get you might feel frustrated, give her some time. Like others have pointed out, she might have went through something traumatic and can't talk about it yet. Don't insist, especially if everything else is going great. I'm curious about two things - have you two had sex? And also, what exactly did you ask her when she said ”it's too personal”? (This thread reminds me of a funny story - a guy went out with a woman he was dating with, looked at another girl and asked her what she thinks of 3somes. She said she's fine with 'em. He went on - have you ever had one? - he asked. Yes, she said. Have you ever had one with two men??, he continued. Again, her answer was yes. Until the very end when she told him she's an ex porn star ) - Of course, I'm not saying that this is the case now, but she might have her reasons for keeping info out for now.) 1
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 Thanks guys! I’ll do some proper replies when I get back from work!
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 She doesn't have to tell you everything just because you are her BF. There will be things she will never tell you about, and that should be respected. Have some empathy. You don't want her to relive painful memories, right? So let it go. And btw 4 months is a mere pittance. No, which is cool.. but I'm not the one who's bringing it up! If she didnt say it, I wouldnt know! She doesn't need to press about the fact that she cannot share with you everything in detail EVERY TIME. Yeah, this is what I find weird! Like, what does she want me to say? I never her push her on it (I can tell she definitely doesn't want that) but what does she want, she's not a drama queen in anyway, so it just seems an odd thing to do. 1. She went through something very shameful or traumatised that she doesn't wanna talk about it. Maybe.. I mean, i guess it must be!! But, I dunno, to the outside eye her family life looks pretty sweet. 2. She's trying to be mysterious (deep down she's insecure or trying to hide something) I dunno! It just doesn't seem to fit with everything I know about her character. I realize this can feel frustrating. You feel like you can share anything with her, but there are things she just won't share with you. You wonder why. Maybe you wonder if she feels the same. Perhaps you wonder if there's a lack of trust in you, and that can feel like a slight. Yeah literally!! I get that she is a private person, and that she'll out right way shes doesn't find it easy to trust AND i even get that she still doesn't have complete full trust in me yet! But I don't get the need for basically keeping on reminding me that she doesn't have it yet! Does everything feel great except that she doesn't want to tell you certain things? Totally!! I've never been so crazy about someone and when we're together it just feels so easy!! So right! Both of you are understandable. While I get you might feel frustrated, give her some time. Like others have pointed out, she might have went through something traumatic and can't talk about it yet. Don't insist, especially if everything else is going great. I get that! I don't want to push to hard, I don't need her to tell me! I just dunno, It's nagging at me just a little. I'm curious about two things - have you two had sex? Yeah for sure! Had sex date #2. Literally my only intention back then was that we could have a bit of fun (took me by surprised when I literally couldn't get the girl off my mind and wanted to spend my day off furniture shopping with her ) And also, what exactly did you ask her when she said ”it's too personal”? Well this is a recurring thing, but this particular time: We were just talking about her mum, who has a holiday home in France, but she doesn't really use it anymore but doesn't bother letting, and I was like: "Oh would she not just consider selling it then?" Her: "No, she can't really" Me: "Why" Her: "Sorry, I just don't want to go there, It's so personal"
PRW Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) Obviously she still isn't comfortable with telling you personal things. You might be "fun" to hang out with but you may have said things in conversations that demonstrate your political, philosophical, or moral values are to some degree in conflict with her so she assumes you would be judgmental. Don't wast you breath trying to convince her you wouldn't be judgmental. She is going to be smart enough to know the truth based on positions you have taken during conversations you have already had. If you start "Virtue Signalling" about anything you think might be such a conflict it will come across hollow and manipulative. The only real option you have is to just continue as you are and see where it eventually leads. Edited January 28, 2019 by PRW 1
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 Obviously she still isn't comfortable with telling you personal things. You might be "fun" to hang out with but you may have said things in conversations that demonstrate your political, philosophical, or moral values are to some degree in conflict with her so she assumes you would be judgmental. Don't wast you breath trying to convince her you wouldn't be judgmental. She is going to be smart enough to know the truth based on positions you have taken during conversations you have already had. If you start "Virtue Signalling" about anything you think might be such a conflict it will come across hollow and manipulative. The only real option you have is to just continue as you are and see where it eventually leads. 1. It's not a me thing. I don't think at least. She doesn't talk to ANYONE about this stuff. See on one hand she'll say how crazy it is how she'll 'pour her heart out to me', which is ironic when from my view it feels like shes holding back. 2. HOW could she, or anyone, ever think I could be judgemental about.. anything! I CERTAINLY could never judge anyone on their family, that'd be laughable! It's not like I've glided through life.. I've stumbled and skidded every step of the way!
preraph Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 If she's bringing it up but then unwilling to talk about it, she sounds like she's warning you about something that she knows you wouldn't like. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 If she's bringing it up but then unwilling to talk about it, she sounds like she's warning you about something that she knows you wouldn't like. Totally agree with prepraph here. There is something odd and strange and maddening about someone who announces they aren't going to share their thoughts and feelings. Because in fact, people gradually share ... over time ... and we know that ... So there's something a bit juvenile (like 11ish) announcing I'm not going to share some things with you. Me, not saying for you, this would get totally on my nerves. It's a bit of a mind-game to do what she's doing ... and don't fall for trap of promising her ahead of time that you will not judge what she says. You might in fact judge what she later reveal and you have a right to judge it. And don't beg for more info ... but don't run from probing either. If you would ask someone else a followup, ask her. I think you can come right and tell her you find this to be annoying and confusing. And I'm betting there is some weirdness or insecurity behind all this. Don't get pulled into her game ... It's like's she dropping a grenade in the middle of the room and then saying, "Well I'm not going to say if it's a real grenade or fake." 1
PRW Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 1. It's not a me thing. I don't think at least. She doesn't talk to ANYONE about this stuff. "Everyone" includes "you". Until she is more comfortable with you than she is "everyone" else, she isn't going to treat you special and tell you things that she doesn't tell everyone else. 2. HOW could she, or anyone, ever think I could be judgemental about.. anything! I CERTAINLY could never judge anyone on their family, that'd be laughable! It's not like I've glided through life.. I've stumbled and skidded every step of the way!Just the way you answered this, just now, shows how you could be judgemental. Very defensive. She is going to be hypersensitive to this. It does not matter if YOU think you are judgmental, it doesn't matter if YOU think you have given her reason to think such,...the only thing that matters is what SHE thinks,...what SHE feels. I chose my words carefully right there,...what she FEELS carries far more weight than what she THINKS. 1
TheFinalWord Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 (edited) 1) If SHE didn't make those statements, I wouldn't know there was a problem!! I feel like I do know her, and I do know her background! We talk about childhood, we talk about uni, we go out for dinner with her family, we entertain her friends.... whats even left to know!!? Women always do this "we don't know each other" line. It just means she is not ready to let you in emotionally 100% yet. It's her round about way of letting you know you are not 100% "in" yet. That's why she brings it up out of nowhere. I would also be a bit mysterious. Don't tell her everything about yourself either. Don't be obvious about it, but try to match her level of openness. Keep in mind she's 24. Women and men in their 20s are rarely that mature yet. Women in this age group tend to play mind games. Don't play along or act like it bothers you. Edited January 29, 2019 by TheFinalWord 2
PRW Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 Keep in mind she's 24. Women and men in their 20s are rarely that mature yet.He's 25. Guys in their 20's are even worse. 2
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 Because in fact, people gradually share ... over time ... and we know that ... So there's something a bit juvenile (like 11ish) announcing I'm not going to share some things with you. Yeah exactly!! I'm a very open guy, but even then I share different things with Ben down the street vs my mates vs my girlfriend, but I don't announce to all of them where the line is, I simply skirt around it with out even consciously thinking about it. Me, not saying for you, this would get totally on my nerves. I think it's a bit weird, but It's no big problem And don't beg for more info ... but don't run from probing either. If you would ask someone else a followup, ask her. I think you can come right and tell her you find this to be annoying and confusing. And I'm betting there is some weirdness or insecurity behind all this. Insecurity is a potential shout. Thing is she's got walls, I know this. Thing is everyone has walls, its just she seems hyper aware of hers! She shares a lot with me,. In fact she'll say sometimes like "omg I cant believe how much i end up telling you" (almost like shes scolding herself for it) but mostly I think this is because I never push her for info, I just let her say what she wants to say and I let her back off when she wants to back off! "Everyone" includes "you". Until she is more comfortable with you than she is "everyone" else, she isn't going to treat you special and tell you things that she doesn't tell everyone else. Just the way you answered this, just now, shows how you could be judgemental. Very defensive. She is going to be hypersensitive to this. It does not matter if YOU think you are judgmental, it doesn't matter if YOU think you have given her reason to think such,...the only thing that matters is what SHE thinks,...what SHE feels. I chose my words carefully right there,...what she FEELS carries far more weight than what she THINKS. Maybe... Maybe I'm reading it wrong but I've never felt like its a judgement thing, I feel like its a trust thing. (not that I think that's better ...it's probably worse. But that is the impression I get)
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 It's her round about way of letting you know you are not 100% "in" yet. That's why she brings it up out of nowhere. Mmm see sometimes that is what it feels like, like she's throwing me some reminder that she doesn't trust me fully yet. I don't even know that its a conscious thing so much as almost reminding herself thing. I would also be a bit mysterious. Don't tell her everything about yourself either. Don't be obvious about it, but try to match her level of openness. See heres the thing: shes private, and reserved in a group, and a little shy. I get that. I've never asked her to be anything other than what she is. To me she's perfect. But I'm not those things! I'm not going to change who I am! That would be game playing and at the end of the day I want her to love me for me! I'm loud, and boisterous and I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have. The irony is that being so open and outgoing is probably my way of dealing with my ghosts the same way holding back is hers! When we're together, spending a lazy sunday lying on the sofa and she is taking my ear off, while I'm there, not feeling like i need to say anything - I mean thats probably the most relaxed we both ever are. The moments like that are the moments that I know how well me and her work!
Author SkipDontRun Posted January 30, 2019 Author Posted January 30, 2019 He's 25. Guys in their 20's are even worse. She's more mature than me! She's a proper adult, I still consider taking my goddaughter out as an excuse to get on the bouncy castle 1
Shepp Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Yeah for sure! Had sex date #2. Literally my only intention back then was that we could have a bit of fun (took me by surprised when I literally couldn't get the girl off my mind and wanted to spend my day off furniture shopping with her ) Is she intimate with you in other ways? I don't mean sexually but emotionally / physically (non-sex). I've got expereice of dating (and marrying) a girl with walls. What I'm trying to get at is how much does she let you in vs shut you out.. Does she talk about the way things make her feel or what they make her think? Does she chill out in her sweats on a duvet day or does she put her eyelashes on before you wake up? Does she demonstrate trust in you in other areas? Well this is a recurring thing, but this particular time: We were just talking about her mum, who has a holiday home in France, but she doesn't really use it anymore but doesn't bother letting, and I was like: "Oh would she not just consider selling it then?" Her: "No, she can't really" Me: "Why" Her: "Sorry, I just don't want to go there, It's so personal" When you say 'this particular time', so does she stop you on all different personal issues? Or is it all one thing she wont tell you? 2
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