bravojohn Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 So after a trainwreck of an essentially non-relationship early last year, I met an amazing woman in November of 2018. "Hit it off" is a complete understatement and for the first time in very long it feels like I've met someone where all the pieces fit. Well, all the pieces, except for one it appears...time. I am 38 without children, and she 39 with two little ones (7 and 10). We live about 5mins drive from one another. Her life in general is quite demanding, be it work, children, and a host of other responsibilities. So much so that we essentially see each other only twice a week, and even then it's difficult to really "spend time" and connect as she is constantly distracted having to call someone, check work stuff, or ensure the kids are sorted. It has really started bothering me recently as she's had to cancel dates a few times due to work requests that occur last minute. I can confirm that this was indeed the case so I don't think she is avoiding me. Last night she also flaked due to a work request so I opted to go out with friends, and she did phone me later and made her way to where we were which I appreciated loads. She tried. However, despite the fact that the two of us get on like a house on fire and share a lot of similar views, coupled with the physical attraction, I am concerned that she may just have too much going on to also invest in a relationship beyond the occasional hanging out etc. She does make the effort though and phones me about twice a day and even then our conversations have substance and on average run for about an hour. So again, she tries. She's also introduced me to her kids which I know is a pretty big step. I did tell her a while ago that I would like to see a little more of her, also, seeing as we live so close to each other. She agreed, but added that she is a little worried, as her life requires a lot of juggling on her side, and she's also signed up to do her PhD studies this year, which would add to the already-demanding lifestyle. I like her and would like to continue seeing her, however, I do require physical presence and togetherness more than twice a week. I also don't want to add pressure to her in any sense. Do I give it a bit of time and see how it goes? What do you guys think?
Wallysbears Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 You either realize she’s a working Mom and accept that finding 2 days a week is AMAZING or you move on. I’m 40. A working Mom and I only have one kid. My husband and I are lucky if we get two dates a MONTH. Because that’s life. Be more accommodating of her life or let her go to find someone that can appreciate it and accommodate it.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 If you're not feeling she's available ... then she's not the right person for you. If you give her a pass based on her being busy (understandably so) you can get into trouble. Because sometimes (often) people are really busy when they just don't prioritize us. And you might genuinely want someone who has more time. Do you go and hang out with her and the kids? ... Like trips to the zoo? ... or to the playground, parks, museums? One option for you guys is for you to hang out some with her and the kids ... You're going to need to get along well with the kids anyway if the relationship is gonna work. 1
Author bravojohn Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 I get along with the kids fine. We've been on two outings already taking them with. I've got no problem with that. The problem however is not with the children. Not even remotely. I've been in a long term relationship before where there were kids. It is about availability. We don't live together, so twice a week is difficult you know... Even more so if there are constant interruptions aside from the children.
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 I can relate to both sides of this story Like you I would eventually want interaction with my partner more than twice a week. I don't date long distance because of this. However I am a single mom. So any guy that becomes my boyfriend understands I am free while he is in school after work between about 2-4pm and after his bedtime which is after 8pm any day of the week. Most of my exes have been very understanding. One of them expressed an issue. He wanted me to spend all evening with him sometimes and hated that I had to leave around 4 sometimes or come at night. So he started to ask about coming over while my son was there or bringing my son along with me (Op, this is important to note in your case). I told him I would feel comfortable bringing my son around him only if he was truly ready for that because that is a major step. And I only wanted to bring him around if he was serious about me and him being in his life for the long haul. So the compromise of this conflict was yea you can start spending time with me all afternoon and evening if your willing to meet my kid and be there with me and my son for the long haul. Until he came to that decision he had to be okay with seeing me for two hours after work before my son came home from school and seeing me at night anytime of the week because that is the time I could muster for dating/relationship until we were ready to merge our lives together. And of course if he couldn't deal then we needed to breakup. Like I told my ex. It won't be like this forever if our relationship escalates to the point of him being ready to be around me and my son. So back to your issue Op if you stay you have to accept her work schedule and mommy schedule as it is UNTIL you and her are ready for you to come around regularly during the time she have her kiddos and interact with them. Then is where the more time with her comes in because it's no longer seperating mommy life from life with boyfriend. The two becomes merged. and please only come to this decision if you want her and her kiddos for the long term please because it's not fair to the kiddos if you are introduced in there lives regularly but don't plan to be there for the long haul. Now if you don't like that and can't accept that or don't really want to interact with the kiddos like that and just want mommy all to yourself then unfortunately your going to have to let her go. Any guy Dating a single mom in hopes to have a long term relationship needs to understand that her seperate mommy life is not suppose to be permanent. the lives will eventually merge but the question is are you ready for that life. You should determine that before dating any woman with kids for the long term.
chillii Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) Yeah look even married at times for long stints you get no personal time at all with kids and that's with both parents. living together would help a lot but it will still be many sacrifices of time, that's life with kids.But at least your around each other and in the same house and bed. But you gotta be 300% sure if of it and her when that happens otherwise the kids end up hurt and confused all over again following whatever has happened between the mother and their father. No child deserves to go through that once let alone twice. And you've gotta think about whatever the situation is with their father too. But yeah , and with everything else she's got going on and add that she's obviously one of these busy busy types just by nature too, some people are just like that, she's not gonna have much time at all for a long long time yet. So unfortunately that's something pretty big you'll really have to think about and probably either have accept and live with or lump it. Edited January 28, 2019 by chillii
Cersei Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 If you talk on the phone twice a day and see her twice a week already what is the problem? It seems like a decent amount of time together. 1
ChatroomHero Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 2 Days a week with a working single mom is like a unicorn. In a lot of cases you would be lucky to get 1 day every other week. She met up with you after having to cancel, that is a really good sign. It will take while but I think once you get more integrated into her life and kids, you'll have more time with her because you can spend it with her and the kids, you'll be able to help lighten her load a bit more if you want and free up time for her. You'll get more time with her eventually, but it might be more family time and not exactly dating time. I think if you wait it out for a while, the dynamic will change but it won't ever be going out 3 nights a week and doing fun crazy things.
Juha Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) Sounds like you have a big problem as your gf is stretched too thin with everything going on in her life to give you and the relationship much quality time. To her it's not a big deal and is seemingly happy with how things are, however you are not. You have two options, accept how things are in the relationship and make the best of it or end things with her and find someone who makes the relationship a bigger priority in their life than this woman does. My other question is do you want to have your own children? IF so this woman would probably not be a good choice if you want to have kids of your own. Before you make a decision think long and hard about it Just to add these are the reasons why i stopped dating single mothers. To me it's not worth the time and effort for the return you get as they can never put much effort into the realtionship I wish you the best Edited January 28, 2019 by Juha
greymatter Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 People love to characterize single moms as unavailable and paint them in a generally unflattering light, but there are divorced dads as well who also have constraints around their schedules due to kids, work, etc. If you really love and care about her, and want her in your life, then you'll have to accept that your needs for time and attention differ from hers, given that she is not only a parent but is pursuing an advanced degree (admirable) and has things going on in her life other than you and the relationship, which in part must be part of what attracted you? My personal experience is that, in my relationship which is relatively new (10 months), I'd love to keep the honeymoon phase going for as long as possible, and part of that means that I'm glad we don't have an easy opportunity to spend every second together (we both have kids, careers, homes, hobbies and responsibilities apart from the relationship). We see each other 1-2 times a week (though spend half the weekend alone together) and are so busy the rest of the time that the week flies by between dates. Having been in a very long term relationship/marriage and seeing how that can go over time, I'll take what I have now over what I had then. Being excited to see my partner is amazing and I want to sustain that feeling, and love that we leave each other wanting more. That may not work for you. If you need and want more, she just may not be the person for you. You would need to get busy with other things because she has a full life. You should be a bonus in each other's lives, but she cannot be your "everything" at this point in her life (and no partner should have to, or can, meet all of their partner's needs, that is an impossible fallacy).
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