i cringe when he wants to hold me but i dont know why!

[candy candy candy]

this is really starting to kill me! every time when my fiance of seven years wants to hold me, even when it is totally non sexual (we are celebit anyways till we marry), but i cringe and i want to just wriggle away from his arms.

 

this a.m. we were both awake yet not up yet and i was going to get up and he went to the bathroom and came back and i was going to get up before he came back knowing what he was going to do.

 

he was going to want to hold me! that was all! and i knew it too, he loves to hold me he says that all the time!

 

i go along with it as much as i can. this a.m. when he was holding me (we were spooning) non sexual or sexual in the past, i just want to get away from him when he wants to hold me.

 

i have zero sex drive anymore am being treated for very low dhea to see if that helps, am on estrogen and thyroid meds as meds but all my levels are in good ranges now, yet i feel this way towards him.

 

i laid there this a.m. and i literally PRAYED to God for help on this! he is a good person for the most part. we've had our problems in the past. i dont know if them "problems" are an underlying psychological cause for this or what????

 

all i know is i hurt him when i do that and i always try to cover it up and hold him back and hug him and kiss him, but honestly i feel nothing!

 

i love him in my heart i feel that much anyways, but outside of that, i feel empty..i feel like "dont touch me"! i want to scream it at him!

 

this is breaking my heart and so not fair to him. i think at times i should let him go so he can find someone who can return his affections, he is very sensitive and affectionate where i am neither anymore.

 

i keep telling myself that God wants us to perserve in times of hardship for a purpose, but i cannot imagine what his purpose for causing us both this pain can be!

 

for how much longer should i perserve? i dont feel i can leave the relationship, i love him, my life is here with him, my grand son lives with us, my dogs, my cats, my job, my life is here, what would i do?

 

i just dont know what is wrong with me! anyone have any suggestions for me? please! before i break his heart somemore and more and more.etc.

 

i think maybe God is trying to unharden my heart by putting me through this, by perserving, at the end of it all there is going to be a lesson, either i will of learned to love, or learn to leave, but in the mean time i am sick of hurting him!