How to deal with childish boyfriend?

[joy8]

Hi. So, me and my boyfriend are in our 20s, both still studying at college. We have been together for almost 1 year now. When we first met, he wasn't exactly my "type". We started dating year later. Everything was amazing, I felt so happy. I am his first girlfriend, so he was and still is a bit clumsy.

 

But then, 2 months my grandma died, and it was one of the worst experiences I had to deal with during my entire life. Well, he didn't handle this situation very well. He didn't come and comfort me immediately. That was so weird for me. When I asked him to come to the funeral, he came and he was there for me. He said, that he didn't come to see me sooner, because he thought I would like to be alone with my family (which is his way how to deal with such situations) and was overwhelmed with exams (which I understand completely because I have the same problem). We talked about this after funeral and he agreed, that he should have at least asked me, if he should come by and comfort me. He said, that he would do anything, but I have to tell him the next time, what exactly do I want, because he is kind of "dummy" and he just wouldn't figure this out on his own.

 

Then, we didn't see each other for a long time, he was abroad for a month and we both had plenty of work. Then, things were quite well. One part of me was still deeply sad and grieving, but he made me feel better. He always does.

 

During autumn, I was having some health issues. Because of that, we couldn't see each other much. During this time, he has revealed that he was a virgin, and I was his first. Before, he has lied that he had some one night stands. I felt heartbroken, like, why didn't he tell me? He said that it was stupid and he should have told me and it was bugging him. But he had some bad memories from the past, people made fun of him because of that , and he didn't want me to look at him like he was weird or something. He said that he was afraid of my reaction, and he wanted me to feel safe with me. I had boyfriend before, so that made him also insecure. I was really sad because of the fact that he lied, I have trust issues and this really didn't help. He said that he has never lied about anything else, and promised not to, but who knows..

 

I know that he is really a good guy, my friends approve, and people who know him longer agree, that he really is one of the good ones, but a little clumsy, sometimes says stupid things or acts a litte immature.

He doesn't compliment me often, also he doesn't tell me he loves me a lot. He says that he doesn't want to tell me "I love you" too much, because he still wants these words to be really special, not something ordinary. He would definitely tell me that he loves me, when he drinks alcohol. It feels like this is the time when he says things, he wouldn't probably normally say aloud. A few weeks ago, when he drank a little too much, he said that "he loves me so much and that I am the best thing, that he could ever possibly meet". He was also very eager to introduce me to his family.

 

Sometimes he says things, like "babe you could do some squats" , then he says how perfect I am, how he loves me. I don't get it. I feel like he is too critical sometimes, but he says that these are only "suggestions" how to make something which is "perfect" even "more perfect", that he doesn't mean to hurt me in any way, that he loves me the way I am.. and that I can also tell him what he could do to improve his looks. But I don't have this need to tell him things like that in the first place. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough.

 

We were talking about these things which are bugging me lately. He has told me that he doesn't want to treat me like princess. I was not sure how did he mean it, I think he just doesn't want to be someone else around me, and think about every word he says, or every action he does..

 

well, my question is..how do you deal with immature boyfriend, and are his actions something I should be worried about? or is it because he didn't have a girlfriend? how would you deal with this? I feel like he really loves me but sometimes, he makes too little effort. maybe it's also because we don't spend too much time together.. any suggestios? Thanks xxx

Edited February 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[smackie9]

He is still too young, and inexperienced...and this is what you get when you date someone who has never had sex or had a GF....he is slowly learning with you so you can't expect miracles. If this is weighing you down, then find another BF that has some time under his belt and knows what to do.

But since you feel you are invested remember this....he isn't a mind reader, you will have to train him, and explain things to him for a long time. Is what it is.

Note: about him lying about being a virgin....I can totally understand why. He feared of being rejected, so it's nothing really. I had a guy wait decades to tell me I was his first. I knew anyways, but it didn't matter whether he did or not tell me.....I understood. And that is what you need to do, is understand him more, and be more supportive.

Edited January 27, 2019 by smackie9

[Curiousroxy86]

This post had me dying laughing lmao

 

Ok look.

 

I think y'all both got a bit of issues and is very young and immature but nothing too extreme

 

1) you seem to view less of him way more than he views you. Your very critical of him using words like "dummy". That's really not good to view someone that way and hopefully your not being abusive and saying that to him. if you really feel that way maybe you should let him go

 

2) guys will say things without thinking and will say things you don't like. You already told him how you felt. he already responded how he felt. At this point You have to decide to accept him the way he is or let him go. You have to accept he is a bit critical and have foot in mouth syndrome. You have to accept he did lie about not being a virgin and if you have lied before maybe this is forgiveable? And good God there are worst things he could have lied about like not telling you he stds. You have to accept he is clumsy. You have to accept that he may not know what to do all the time and that you have to tell him. If you cannot accept and want him to change then you need let him go. Because again you already talked about it. Can't do much more than that

 

If it were me and he is a good boyfriend to me and i enjoy being with him but these things just rub me the wrong way I don't think I would breakup with a good boyfriend over these things. Men do a lot of irritating sh*t. I am sure they think the same of us lol.

 

The criticism I might breakup if he does it a lot after setting a firm boundary. Like first criticism I would probably clap back like "I'll do these squats on your face other than that I like my body as is and don't need your insecurities honeyyy *kissy face*." If he does it again and you really don't want to hear it anymore then maybe set a firmer boundary "babe you criticizing my body is not okay. I don't want to hear it anymore so please stop" if he does it again then breakup with his behind.

[joy8]

Actually I was quoting him - he said that he "is a dummy" I wouldn't call him that, because: 1. I don't have the need to abuse him or say hurtful things to him, 2. I think that he has enough insecurities on his own..I rather try to make him feel better about himself. I like to talk positively, I don't like calling someone names, not even in fun way..

Well yeah, you are right about the issues.

I was just worried, whether I am ignoring some red flags, or its normal and I should just chill. I was mostly worried about the lying because of some bad past experience.

Edited February 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[joy8]

He is still too young, and inexperienced...and this is what you get when you date someone who has never had sex or had a GF....he is slowly learning with you so you can't expect miracles. If this is weighing you down, then find another BF that has some time under his belt and knows what to do.

But since you feel you are invested remember this....he isn't a mind reader, you will have to train him, and explain things to him for a long time. Is what it is.

Note: about him lying about being a virgin....I can totally understand why. He feared of being rejected, so it's nothing really. I had a guy wait decades to tell me I was his first. I knew anyways, but it didn't matter whether he did or not tell me.....I understood. And that is what you need to do, is understand him more, and be more supportive.

thank you so probably, I am making a mistake here.. that I want him to understand me more.. but what I have to do is to understand him more. I really don't want anyone else, I love him so thats why I'm trying to figure this out, how to make thing work and not to worry about it.

[smackie9]

Well there you go. This is what having a relationship is about...being sensitive towards your partner.

[kendahke]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

How to deal with a childish boyfriend? Don't get involved with childish, inexperienced guys to begin with is the best way.

 

If you want to stay with him, you're going to have to develop better communication with him because he sounds like he knows nothing about relating to the opposite sex and since you don't want to let this go, you're going to have to teach him how to be with you. Virgins don't know anything, so you're his teacher.

 

Re: your grandmother's passing: people handle death and grief in individual ways--and it may not be to your liking, but they are entitled to their feelings. Some people prefer to avoid all of the emotional turmoil that is present during this time--and that's just how they are wired. It happens in very young people and it happens in people in their 60's--I've seen it in action.

 

He did what he was able to do--he didn't disappear and leave you hanging, but he may feel he can't do anything that will bring you the consolation he thinks you want, which is to have your dear grandmother back and healthy with you.