Krayville Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 ! Am getting myself into an anxious state and don't want to make a mess of things. .. I’ve been ‘seeing’ this guy since November. We met online late summer and I turned him down because we don't live in the same town. We carried on chatting anyway as we got on, shared dating stories as well as general chitchat. Fast forward to November, he was coming to my town so we met for a coffee and hit it off and have been seeing each other ever since. It’s been very casual, lots of fun dates and brilliant sex, in pretty much constant contact when not together. Lately there’s been a bit of a shift and it’s clear we both really like each other although neither of us have said anything about a commitment to each other. I have really enjoyed the semi casual thing and it’s been great having my freedoms and no relationship anxiety, but we are starting to say we miss each other. we always have a brilliant time together. I know I could easily live without him but at the same time I really get a lot from him being in my life. So this is where I’m getting weird in my head and want some help. He is on good terms with all his ex girlfriends. One of his very recent exes is one of his best friends. They see each other a lot. We haven’t met each other’s friends really although when he comes to my small town we bump into many people I know. He lives in a big city so it’s not happened yet. Before we met, he planned a big trip with his ex and a group of other friends, mainly women, they’re all going away together for a couple of big events over a weekend and all staying together in one big room. This happened on nye too but we were much more casual then so I didnt give it much thought. I have been with him when he’s been on the phone to these women, planning, finalizing deets etc. it sounds awesome and isn’t for a couple of months. I completely understand why he wouldn’t invite me, we’ve been casual, one of the girls he’s going with doesn’t know any of the others except for him plus he’ll be traveling there with his ex. I just feel weird about it, a bit jealous and also a bit childish. It is hard for me to talk to him about it as I have no ‘rights’ as such and I don’t want to make things awkward by making snarky comments or asking for reassurance as he’s not actually my partner. If we're going to be seeing each other for longer , I definitely have to accept the friendships with exes, I think it's more the weekend away, sharing a room etc, travelling up together, it's just him and his ex coming from same place, everyone else is meeting them from elsewhere... I don't know, its actually none of my business...I wasn't expecting to feel all ego bruised about it and I know it's insecurity and pride. I'm sure if we were to stay together he wouldn't arrange any other events like this without inviting me too. This early stage of a possible ' relationship' is weird. I have upcoming events with friends which I have considered inviting him to but I wanted to see how we get on first. It's v clear with this event I'm not invited, deposits are being paid etc... I just want to know how to deal with it, whether to put on a brave face (stay cool honeybunny) and ride it through until after the event (which is actually in march so I have plenty of time to make it into a huge drama in my head). I'd never ask him to change btw, i like him for who he is. Should I say anything about my insecurities or in light of our semi casual status is it better just to end it or hide my feelings? I don't do dishonesty very well, hiding my feelings just makes me anxious hence venting on here. he's posted pics of us on his social media, including a festive post where I was tagged in a photo montage alongside a pic which featured one of those women (not the ex) so he's certainly not keeping me secret. I've stayed at his loads and we're either messaging or talking most nights late into the evening when we're not together. I completely understand why I'm not invited, as I said upthread, it was arranged before we met. I'm unhappy because I just found out today he'll be going with his ex girlfriend. If I hadn't been in the room when he took the call I mightn't have known she was going, it's just made me feel insecure and that's what's made me feel unhappy. The weird thing is I'm not even sure I want a full on relationship. I have really loved how things are going but our 'connection' is definitely strengthening with each time we spend together, which I wasn't planning and I know he wasn't either. He was unhappily married and from what I can gather he's been all about the partying and having fun since then. I just wanted casual dates which I was happily doing with others and with him at first but we've shifted into couples behaviour... I'm pretty sure he isn't sleeping with anyone else atm, despite us not being exclusive. I was not expecting his ex to be going and im not sure if he'd have mentioned her despite us having talked about this weekend a few times. The girl on the phone today (not an ex as far as I know...) sounded much younger than us too, just brought up a load of insecurities which I haven't felt for a long time. The more I think about it the less I am comfortable. When they all went away before apparently there was lots of nakedness, he said he left the room... they'll all be on party drugs, who's to say that the same thing won't happen again? I can't police it and wouldnt want to. even if we are exclusive I'm not made of stone, it's bound to play on my mind. Maybe I'm better off just ending it now, rip off the sticking plaster! Please advise as I don’t want it to become a ‘thing’ in my head.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 You just need to clarify where your boundaries are, for yourself. He isn't hiding the fact that he's got his ex in his life on a regular basis, so I'll give him that. However, this would not work for me. Being friendly with an ex when you see them is one thing; being a best friend is something else, particularly when it was a recent split. Personally, I would keep looking. You are both free to conduct your lives however you choose. But I know myself and I know this is too close for comfort for me. Up to you.
Author Krayville Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 Hiya, yes I think you're right. It didn't bother me at all when we were more casual but now I like him more it feels like it could really hurt me later on.
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 I was rocking with you until you said "I am not sure I want a full on relationship" because THAT needs to be determined first. If you not sure you even want a relationship with him then honey your going to have to eat that lol. You can't say anything about what he does with his harem of female friends and ex if your not his exclusive girlfriend annnnnd you not even sure if you even want to be. So yea go date other men to cool your jets off this guy And even if you did want to be his girlfriend the next obstacle is that He has a harem going on that I too wouldn't like. And if it were me it would be the determining factor of not pursuing a relationship with him. But that's just me. You obviously have an issue with it too. When it comes to guys who have a whole bunch of female friends and still close to their ex you knew this information in the dating stages then you pretty much should accept it if your going to choose to be with him in an exclusive relationship or let him go. It wouldn't be fair to him to become his girlfriend and say "honey I'm the girlfriend now so You have to let these b*tches go". I mean you could. But he will probably feel like you knew he had these friends prior and telling a man to let go of his friends just doesn't seem to bode well for the relationship. So my personally philosophy on female friends and for women having a problem with it is just don't date the guy who has them and if you find out after he is your boyfriend then let him go if you can't accept. So I say let er rip lol! 2
Versacehottie Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 I agree with curiousroxy. Basically the bigger issue and the reason why i think you are feeling anxious is that you aren't being true to your feelings about him and you've reached the stage where you probably should, right? Or it's an unfortunate event that his trip is happening at the same time, just a little too soon for you guys to have decided what you want. Without a clear direction about what you want from him, what your intention is you will probably experience these feelings. It's just your intuition telling you it's decision time effectively. Which a valid decision would also be to tell yourself you are fine with casual and don't want a relationship with him (because of the distance or whatever) or that you are fine with allowing it the more time to develop thus you can put your feelings about this trip to the side. I personally think you are having a good time, you seem to have been able to make the distance work so why not let him in on the fact that your feelings are growing and you'd like to try to make it work. The trip and other girls are a non-issue IMO. I don't think he would do all those things (planning, be open with you about them) in front of you if he had something to hide. Also since you live farther apart from one another and he previously dated them, he could easily BE with one of them if that's what he wanted. They don't feel like that about each other anymore. Not saying there won't be a hookup or something of that nature on the trip because it is possible but as casual dating you don't really have a right to say don't do that to him and he may not feel responsible not to. If you want to have him not do anything like that, let him in on your feelings and see where he stands. I get the vibe you can trust him and if he goes on the vacation as your boyfriend, i feel like his behavior will match that. Good luck
Author Krayville Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 Thank you guys. I don't know how to respond to individual posts on here. I really don't have a problem with people being friends with exes, it was fine when I wasn't interested. I know what people are like when they're pilled up and how it can make people feel, could you imagine being in a highly aroused state in a room of attractive members of the opposite sex and your recent ex? They're going to two huge events which will be awesome and I just think it would be too much temptation. If we had stayed casual then I wouldn't care, I didn't mind on Nye when he was in a similar situation and the photos looked very dodgy and his stories were worse, but he was telling stories about others and not about him. I wasn't bothered then because I still saw him as just a bit of fun, I've dated other guys where I am happy to be casual and have separate lives etc. I kinda feel if I let him in on my feelings that he might just take all this **** underground, I couldn't ask him to change as I was aware of his situation before and like you've noted I'm not even sure I'm ready for commitment at this stage! It's a bit of a mess really, if I tell him I like him and he's still going on this trip of course as he's been planning it for a long time then I'm still going to be anxious about it if we carry on seeing each other. I feel I'm better off just ending it now... 1
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 Me personally wouldn't want a committed relationship with a guy like this. I think you are reading too much into his "I miss yous" and seein it as his feelings growing for you. I think he is just plays along and most likely says it to everyone else too. If he was feeling serious about you, his interaction with these other women would start to taper off, not ramp up. IMO he's having his cake and being able to eat it too. It's a perfect set up and he's liking it.
Versacehottie Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 Take it step by step. Decide what you want with him. Then act on that. On one hand you must realize that it's all of YOUR indecision that is causing you this anxiety, right? You are willing to sabotage what could be a good relationship (has been thus far) to alleviate your anxiety. This type of problem will keep cropping up in your life if you don't face asking for what you want and trying to sort out your own indecision. That's all you can control anyway. You may not get what you want out of the situation but you will be a heck of a lot closer by speaking up. Think of the regret you may feel if he goes reconnects with one of the exes just because he is going off what you said initially that you don't want a relationship. If your feelings have changed and they involve him, you should let him know. I firmly believe that anxiety is your body and mind's way of letting you know when what is going on with you is incongruent and doesn't line up. You must deal with that first. Good luck
Author Krayville Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 Take it step by step. Decide what you want with him. Then act on that. On one hand you must realize that it's all of YOUR indecision that is causing you this anxiety, right? You are willing to sabotage what could be a good relationship (has been thus far) to alleviate your anxiety. This type of problem will keep cropping up in your life if you don't face asking for what you want and trying to sort out your own indecision. That's all you can control anyway. You may not get what you want out of the situation but you will be a heck of a lot closer by speaking up. Think of the regret you may feel if he goes reconnects with one of the exes just because he is going off what you said initially that you don't want a relationship. If your feelings have changed and they involve him, you should let him know. I firmly believe that anxiety is your body and mind's way of letting you know when what is going on with you is incongruent and doesn't line up. You must deal with that first. Good luck Yes spot on. I need to listen to my own voice and to my body. I've been unhappy Today and very preoccupied with this x 1
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