Gaslighting?

[Xanthippe]

I am pretty sure my husband is gaslighting me, but I really, really want to make sure I am seeing what I think I am seeing. Good lord, that sounds like someone being gaslit! Anyway, the latest example:

 

My husband, 21-year-old stepson and I went on a errand tonight after they had been working on my husband's car for a couple of hours. Neither one of them appeared dirty or unkempt to me. After the errand, they decided they wanted something to eat, so they asked me to pull over to a Taco Bell. I started to pull into a parking spot and he said, "Oh, we're not going in." I said, "Oh, we're not? OK..." He responded, "You wanted to go in?" I said I did because we were fairly far from home and getting food now would mean it would be soggy when we got home. He said, "Well, we were just going to eat it in the car." I said something like, "Oh..." Then he realized that I was planning on getting food, too. That sounds odd, but I usually don't eat fast food. Of course, he knew I hadn't eaten all day, so maybe he should have figured this out. Anyway, he said, "OK, let's go in." We go in, stepson throws a fit and yells about not wanting to go inside because he was "dirty and greasy." Stepson has mental issues. Husband then says, OK, let's just go. I asked if he wanted me to go through the drive thru, but no. So, we just go home.

 

After we had been home for a little while, I went in to talk to husband, to reassure him. He then tells me that if I had just not "insisted" on going inside, none of this would have happened. I explained that I didn't know they were feeling the way they were feeling (being dirty) and if they had just said something, I would have said something like, "Oh! OK, let's go through the drive thru, but let's go to one closer to home." Easy, right? But, no.... husband continued to insist that the situation was caused by my wanting to go into the restaurant. When I finally asked him why he was blaming this on me and why he was not accepting that it could have easily been avoided if someone had just said something, been rational about it, he insisted that I was playing the victim and refused to accept responsibility for my fault. I feel like I am living in bizarro world here. Any thoughts?

[preraph]

Well, for starters, they weren't taking you into consideration at all. I mean, they're eating in the car. Where are you eating?

 

Listen, I don't know if it's gaslighting, but it's definitely him not taking responsibility or at least sharing it. It was uncalled for.

 

Also, not sure what stepson's mental issues are, but if they're anything less than special needs, he is the one who needs some discipline and to learn to be polite and not always get his way.

[basil67]

I'm loathe to use the term gaslighting when it's a single event. I'm more inclined to keep the phrase to reflect an ongoing issue.

 

To me, this is a breakdown of communication. And while he's looking pretty bad in this exchange, I'm wondering why you went to reassure him afterwards. Sounds like something is missing from the story.

[preraph]

^ yeah. Sounds like you are too quick to accept blame for things.

[Xanthippe]

Oh, believe me, this was just the latest example. I literally feel blamed for everything that goes wrong. Friends and family tell me they don't understand why he is constantly criticizing me. But as to the reassurance: The stepson was yelling at his dad, not me. I had noticed that he had been in a terrible mood for days, so I went in to tell husband that I didn't think stepson's actions were personal, that there was something else going on. That's when he started with it being all my fault.

[Xanthippe]

^ yeah. Sounds like you are too quick to accept blame for things.

 

Oh, no, no, no. I argue it every time. And then he accuses me of being defensive. The pattern is: He attacks first, I argue it, and then I am still to blame because I am being defensive and not accepting responsibility. The crazy thing is, I am 50-years-old and I have literally always been told that I am really good about owning my own stuff and in not being defensive. This relationship is the only time I have ever experienced this.