When is there too much history and baggage...

[dangerawesome]

I broke up with my ex in August 2018 after a two year relationship. We'd been hooking up for for about 5 years on-and-off as I'd been living in China for the first three years. I'd also known her for about 13 years as we were friends from college. At the beginning she had consistently said, "I'm not ready" but I figured I could "convince" her by being awesome. Only later did I realize that by not respecting her boundaries I was setting us up for failure.

 

In the two years we lived together, while we had great physical chemistry, our emotional triggers kept rubbing each other the wrong way (the anxious-avoidant dance). To make matters worse, I snooped on her phone and found she was texting her college ex-boyfriend very regularly while we were together, possibly daily. She later admitted that she had been emotionally unfaithful. And by the end of summer 2018 we stopped having sex (maybe twice a month) and my self-esteem was at an all time low.

 

I decided to relocate to Vancouver with our dog for my job, and we agreed to take some space (she lives in California). After a month apart I decided to really cut the cord - we both weren't really the best versions of ourselves and I didn't think I'd ever really feel safe with her. In the months after, we messaged a little bit, and then in October 2018 she reached out and said she wanted to come visit for my birthday. Yet when I said I'd like for her to come, she pulled away and said she wanted to heal some more. Initially I was frustrated but eventually I said that was fine and that I'd like to get the rest of my things in November -- as a friend, not staying together. Just to tie things up.

 

When I did eventually see her in November, she ended up bringing me home from the airport and we made out but didn't have sex. She let me know she had started seeing someone else (her new male roommate) and didn't want to sleep with multiple people at the same time. I reacted pretty poorly to that information, generally getting indignant and moving to another room in the house to sleep (she later came in and we made up but still no sex). She kept saying she still loves me and misses me, which is why I felt so mind****ed.

 

That was a very traumatizing weekend for me. In the weeks afterwards we dabbled with the idea of trying again, and then in December she booked a flight to come visit me. Yet, 10 days later, after I sent her a Merry Christmas message with a picture, and she replied the next day by saying she couldn't come to visit. On December 26th she cancelled her flight and blocked me on all forms of social media (and my number though that has since been unblocked). She also unfriended all of my family and friends, which I took to mean she was really committed to letting go and moving on.

 

All of my friends think it is a good thing that this relationship is over but I can't shake the feeling that we have more to our story. I asked her for a closure call when I saw I'd been unblocked and we chatted on Jan 11th 2019. The call itself was really warm and friendly, and I could tell there was still a lot of affection under the surface. I'm still blocked on all social media, but I miss her and would be lying if I said I didn't want to give it another try. But I also want us both to heal and come in with way less baggage this time. We both made bad decisions but there's genuine connection, affection and love. I'm reluctant to fully let go and I think she is too.

 

Tl;dr: How much time do you need to heal from a toxic first time-around relationship? What would it take for it work better?

[preraph]

It sounds like she really needs to move on. Of course, you both have affection for each other, but sounds like it just was not a good mix emotionally. You know, there are lots of people you can love but not live with or stay with. I would tell you to try to just move on. Don't just sit and wait. Good luck.

[dangerawesome]

Bump. Any other opinions out there?