How much contact should you expect when traveling

[d0nnivain]

Did you ever ask him when he will be back beforehand?

And before you write him off, would you write a last message? Something like " I decided it's not working" Just to put an end on it?

 

Sometimes I feel pretty annoyed I feel like writing him" hey I know you probably changed your mind and that's cool. But ghosting is just a dick move". I know it wont change anything, I know he probably doesn't care about it, but it feels better to let it out lol

 

It's not your place to shame him, no matter how upset you are.

 

He is on vacation. Until he comes back, I am loathe to conclude that he ghosted you. He may reach out yet thinking that he reached out at all is enough.

 

You are upset based on your expectations but as clear as you think you were you don't know what he understood or how he interpreted that. If you really think this behavior is something you don't want to live with long term fine, you don't have to.

 

But sending the texts you are contemplating now is premature & will do more harm then good. I might send something passive aggressive like . . . "wow this must be a non-stop fun vacation since you haven't found the time to so much as tell me you landed safely." But I wouldn't fire the break up bomb yet.

[allofme]

I wouldn’t even send a passive aggressive message like that.

 

Problem is OP you are clearly very invested in this guy very early on. Just because someone is not as invested as you this early on it doesnt mean they won’t be as they spend more time with you. Do you wanna keep it cool and just focus on other aspect of your life and see if anything happens or if you just gonna dump him because he’s not all over you in the first month?

 

Again it’s not a good sigh that he doesn’t text you during his holiday but again he might not want to feel obliged to obey with texting you and your rules. Yes you have talked about it (which to me is quite intense in the first month, demanding communication but that’s just me) but maybe he just doesn’t feel like he wants to play the boyfriend role yet. Are you ok with being ahead of him?

[frus69]

You gotta remember it's not that he didn't message, he didn't reply to me!

We were having almost daily contact and suddenly he just went cold turkey. Not only that, he didn't even reply to my message. Any girl would think this is bad, right? Many would have probably written him off and moved on by now. And obviously he is not afraid of losing me, which is a sign he isnt interested anymore.

I won't message him, and probably shouldnt message after he comes back. Even if he says" I just want to get back in touch after I come back" Im not sure I should be ok with it

Edited February 1, 2019 by frus69

[Rockett]

I would write him off for not responding, but I'd also save face and not send another message (following up or dismissing him) on the off chance that the message didn't come through. If he is the kind of guy who would just ignore a message, then you've unfortunately found out some important information about him... but if it's a misunderstanding, you don't want to regret giving him a piece of your mind prematurely.

[allofme]

Here’s what I think and a lot of people wouldn’t agree with me.

 

Being interested and being invested are totally different. You can be interested in someone but not invested in them. I think the first three months is where people can be really interested but not invested in you. I feel that he probably should’nt have agreed to keep the communication going before he leaves for holiday as he clearly is not able to fulfil his promise (but probably found It hard to decline while thinking he didn’t want to feel like he has to talk to you when he’s on holiday).

 

You only known each other for a month. Why would he be scared of losing you? You have to be really insecure to feel scared of losing someone you just met not long ago.

 

Again it’s up to you to decide if you wanna see him or not.

Edited February 1, 2019 by allofme

[frus69]

Maybe not scared but" prefer not to" lose someone you are interested in? They say when a guy likes you he wouldn't risk losing you.

 

Before he left he said he'd send me whatsapp. I told him just text me instead as I haven't used whatsapp for so long my account should be deactivated. For a while I kept thinking maybe he got confused? That's why I shoot him a text first. But oh well no reply lol

Just makes me feel he really doesn't care about losing me. Or he is ghosting.

 

One week since he left and nothing. Nada. He will be back in 7 days. I guess will post an update then, let's see who guessed it right lol

[I'veseenbetterlol]

A guy that can easily ghost you doesn’t get shamed. They don’t care enough to bother themselves with such emotions. It’s onto the next.

We project those feelings thinking they’d feel bad because that’s how most would. Unfortunately, if they don’t give two hoots about your feelings now, they won’t then. Best to just walk away if you determine he’s ghosted you. Block and move on.

 

I agree here. People who ghost don't give a crap how you are affected. Not acknowledging the guy lets you keep your dignity. If you end up messaging him about shaming for ghosting he is gonna feel good that he ruffled your feathers.

[frus69]

Do guys really change their mind over night? Cant imagine that. But If he had thought about it for a while ..that's probably even worse, meaning he deliberately lied to me and ghosted.

[frus69]

I agree here. People who ghost don't give a crap how you are affected. Not acknowledging the guy lets you keep your dignity. If you end up messaging him about shaming for ghosting he is gonna feel good that he ruffled your feathers.

 

Knowing him, he thinks being ghosted is better than being told" hey i'm not interested" on the face. So he possibly thinks he's doing me a favor- not hurting me as much lol

Having said that I don't know why he acted so nice before he left, that was leading me on and it doesnt make sense. Does he want me to enjoy my last night with him and thinks this is the best way to end things?

Edited February 2, 2019 by frus69

[Gaeta]

6 months? Jesus, were you not bf/ gf yet? How did you find out he ghosted you? Did you contact him and no reply? He didn't even give you a break up message?

Yes we were bf-gf. We were suppose to keep in touch during his trip, I emailed him after a couple of days to see if he had landed safely, no reply. I emailed him 1 week later, no reply. Finally after 3 weeks I text his adult daughter (I had met several times) and she was shocked, she told me her father had been back in town since the previous week.

 

 

 

About 2 months later he sent me an email saying I was an amazing women that thought him to love again but I deserved better.

 

 

 

He was right I did deserve better.

[Gaeta]

Do guys really change their mind over night? Cant imagine that. But If he had thought about it for a while ..that's probably even worse, meaning he deliberately lied to me and ghosted.

So going back to what I was saying. You see why it's better to take things slow and not build a false sense of familiarity with too many dates too soon? See you've known this guy 3-4 weeks and at the beginning of this thread you strongly trusted him because of it. Had you have 1-2 dates a week you wouldn't have build such expectation.

 

 

 

That being said I am sorry you ended up going through the difficult experience of being ghosted. It's hurtful, frustrating, and it's hard on the ego.

 

 

 

I was on the dating market 3,5 years and met 200 men before meeting my bf. I have seen it all. I have learn the hard way when a man wants to see me often right from the start it's just temporary fireworks.

[allofme]

@gaeta or incredibly needy guys with low self esteem. Unfortunately one of my very good friends is like that. He started to see this girl and they meet 4 times a week. He is a hopeless romantic even tho he doesn’t like to admit it and thinks as long as he’s getting sex he’s happy but he would often get upset because this girl is not serious about him.

 

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve also been single for 3.5 years now. Have been on countless dates with no bf. I think the more you date the more you’ll get used to these sort of things. And one day we will meet someone who we like and they stick around.

 

I’d still wait until he gets back and you can probs even drop him another message.

[edgygirl]

Agree 100%. I intend to put the breaks on myself when a guy is pushing too hard too fast - as opposed to getting excited about it. There’s a name for that - love bombing.

 

I have learn the hard way when a man wants to see me often right from the start it's just temporary fireworks.

[frus69]

I know the love bombing thing, I just didn't know 2/3 dates a week is love bombing already

[frus69]

So going back to what I was saying. You see why it's better to take things slow and not build a false sense of familiarity with too many dates too soon? See you've known this guy 3-4 weeks and at the beginning of this thread you strongly trusted him because of it. Had you have 1-2 dates a week you wouldn't have build such expectation.

 

 

 

That being said I am sorry you ended up going through the difficult experience of being ghosted. It's hurtful, frustrating, and it's hard on the ego.

 

 

 

I was on the dating market 3,5 years and met 200 men before meeting my bf. I have seen it all. I have learn the hard way when a man wants to see me often right from the start it's just temporary fireworks.

I guess you just can't avoid it can you, you can be in a relationship with someone yet they still ghost. Some people are just.... unbelievable.

[edgygirl]

2-3 dates a week is not necessarily love bombing, but from my experience the men who wanted to see me that often all eventually poofed.

 

I also been confused because I felt they should want to see me often. But looking back historically if the first month is too intense, the pulling away also is. Maybe some rational people here can illuminate us what is usually the normal pace in the first 1-2 months.

 

I know the love bombing thing, I just didn't know 2/3 dates a week is love bombing already

[frus69]

Probably we just haven't met the right guy. I mean if they are into us, why wouldn't they wanna see us more than once a week, right?

Also I saw my ex rather often at the start as well and he didn't ghost me because of that lol

I can accept if a guy disappears after a few dates, but after more than 10 dates I deserve a breakup text lol

[allofme]

frus69 don’t let this discourage you from finding love. I got hurt so many times now I just tried as hard as possible to protect myself. This is partly why I messaged my guy to not talk while on holiday. I really wish I couldve kept calm and see just what happens rather than withdraw to protect myself. I decided to shoot him a message and that was 24 hours ago now. I don’t think he’d ever reply again. On top of that; I had a massive argument with my friend and got told not to talk to her ever again. A good excuse for me to have a good cry about both things I guess

[Gaeta]

I guess you just can't avoid it can you, you can be in a relationship with someone yet they still ghost. Some people are just.... unbelievable.

Tell yourself that people ghosting you are doing you a favor. Ghosting comes from weakness and who wants such weak people in their life.

[allofme]

I think sometimes why we care about someone so much after only knowing them a month is because we’re really scared of getting back out there again. Once you meet someone you really like, even though you don’t know them well enough, the idea of having to get back out and finding someone you think is equally amazing is just draining.

[Gaeta]

why wouldn't they wanna see us more than once a week, right?

It's not because it feels good that you have to over do it. When I met my boyfriend I would have spent as much time with him as possible but I know burning the candle by both end wouldn't bring me good end results. It's just smart to use moderation and let time show you who you're dating.

 

 

Also I saw my ex rather often at the start as well and he didn't ghost me because of that lol

I can accept if a guy disappears after a few dates, but after more than 10 dates I deserve a breakup text lol

A long time ago I met online a man that lived 2km away from me. He was completely taken by me and wanted to see me each day. It was a beautiful summer so I told myself why not! In 2 weeks we saw each other at least 12 times. One morning he was picking me up for breakfast and he said he had to tell me something. He said all of his butterflies had gone and he didn't know why. I was shocked! he was SO into me, we had such a good time, and poof!! it all died for him. He didn't ghost me, he could have, he didn't owe me anything we had been dating 2 weeks.

 

 

 

See in your case whether you had been on 10 dates, or 15 dates, it's still just 3 weekd dating. Time makes the feelings grow stronger, not the number of dates.

[allofme]

Woh @Gaeta that’s a very sad and extreme case. I think sometimes it’s hard to not put our all eggs in one basket, emotionally. Before this guy, my last relationship was 10 months ago. I hadn’t liked anyone for two years before my ex. And then not until 10 months later I met a guy who I liked more. I’m positive that I’ll meet someone I really like but the timeframe just really stresses me out.

[Gaeta]

Woh @Gaeta that’s a very sad and extreme case. I think sometimes it’s hard to not put our all eggs in one basket, emotionally. Before this guy, my last relationship was 10 months ago. I hadn’t liked anyone for two years before my ex. And then not until 10 months later I met a guy who I liked more. I’m positive that I’ll meet someone I really like but the timeframe just really stresses me out.

I think we find someone when we're ready to be found. I was single many years before my boyfriend, I was going on tons of dates, I was quite popular online, etc but it would never stick with anyone. Looking back I am thinking maybe deep down I wasn't ready. Then my bf came along and I didn't experience butterflies or infatuation but he was a gentleman so I decided to date him and see where it goes, here we are 3 years +. So don't give up, keep your mind open, don't rush into anything, if it's meant to stick it will.

[d0nnivain]

Probably we just haven't met the right guy. I mean if they are into us, why wouldn't they wanna see us more than once a week, right?

 

Wanting to see somebody is one thing, being able to might be another thing.

 

When I first started dating my husband I had a F/T job (I had just opened my own business the year before so 60-80 hour work weeks); I had 2 P/T jobs; and I served on the Board of Trustees for 3 organizations plus I was caregiver to my elderly parents. I didn't have time to see some new guy more then once per week.

[hippychick3]

It's not because it feels good that you have to over do it. When I met my boyfriend I would have spent as much time with him as possible but I know burning the candle by both end wouldn't bring me good end results. It's just smart to use moderation and let time show you who you're dating.

 

 

A long time ago I met online a man that lived 2km away from me. He was completely taken by me and wanted to see me each day. It was a beautiful summer so I told myself why not! In 2 weeks we saw each other at least 12 times. One morning he was picking me up for breakfast and he said he had to tell me something. He said all of his butterflies had gone and he didn't know why. I was shocked! he was SO into me, we had such a good time, and poof!! it all died for him. He didn't ghost me, he could have, he didn't owe me anything we had been dating 2 weeks.

 

 

 

See in your case whether you had been on 10 dates, or 15 dates, it's still just 3 weeks dating. Time makes the feelings grow stronger, not the number of dates.

 

This is so true. People mistake the number of dates, texts, phone calls for TIME spent dating. It gives a false sense of intimacy. Relationships grow stronger over actual length of time spent together, and 1 month is not enough time to be truly attached to each other no matter how many dates you've been on.