How much contact should you expect when traveling

[frus69]

Seeing someone too often at the beginning, having a rush start does just that ---> giving you a false sense of familiarity. You still only know each other 3 weeks, he's still a stranger no matter how many hours, or dates you went on. Going on SEVERAL dates in a short time is often (not telling you that's what he did) what some guys do to get to sex faster. Take the girl out 3 times in 1 week assures him to be laid on the following weekend because women falsely think that 3 dates over 1 week is the same as 3 dates over 3 weeks. It's not.

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I know what you're saying. But I liked seeing him for 2-3 times a week so I wasn't gonna say no when he asked. Besides if hes only in for sex it, I could only see him once for a week and he'd still just want sex

[allofme]

These dating rule books are so ridiculous. Do you really need him to be texting you everyday and buying your gifts? Often time you might not even care but now you do because someone from somewhere tells you if a guy is not all over you the first few weeks you met, he’s not into you. It’s really all the problems of instant gratifications. Why get so anxious over a guy who didn’t even exist in your life a month ago?

[allofme]

I’d also be wary of those who texts too much or just can’t bear not texting anyone for a single day. I wouldn’t trust those people to be truly independent and happy alone. And I’d also be wary if they feel the need to check up on me daily when they’re on holiday.

[frus69]

Haha yeah I should stop worrying about "is he into me" and just do what I like..

I have got some good advice here, people telling me I shouldn't care so much at this stage.

Also got some people telling me I might have moved to fast.. oh well what's done is done. I don't regret it because that's the way I like it. If I pushed him away by taking about exclusivity too early or seeing him too much, just means he's not right for me anyway.

[allofme]

Also got some people telling me I might have moved to fast.. oh well what's done is done. I don't regret it because that's the way I like it. If I pushed him away by taking about exclusivity too early or seeing him too much, just means he's not right for me anyway.

 

 

Then you just have to risk that you might lose someone good because you want to rush into things and you like to rush into things. If you have this “oh they’re not right for me anyways” thinking just because someone feels that they dknt know you enough to be exclusive and they want to take it slow, you might find it hard to build a long lasting relationship. Relationships build on trust, not lust and instant fix. It should be slow building not over the course of weeks.

 

My ex nearly pushed me away in the early stage of dating because he wanted to push for labels, when we just known each other for a month. I didn’t feel that I knew him well enough to be his gf. He later understood where I came from.

 

This guy I’m dating (well soon not anymore), I expressed concerns in dating someone just out of a relationship. And explained to him that it’s often a concern for people because of potential baggage and rebound. His first reaction was not “sure I understand. Let’s take things slow and get to know each other”. He said “oh well, if someone thinks about me that way, they’re probs not right for me anyways”

 

God knows if he will just use the “oh they’re not right for me anyways” whenever things don’t go his way.

[frus69]

But you are talking about relationship, i'm talking about exclusive dating..I didn't push him for a relationship.. relationship needs trust and love and all these stuff, exclusive dating doesnt. It just needs you to not kiss/ havie sex with multiple people at the same time, for a few month!

Some people here think I want exclusive dating too early, that I don't agree. I tend to not multi date and I don't think it's a problem. I date one guy at a time. If it can't evolve to a relationship then I date the next. Oh and im not saying you go on some dates with some one and it's "dating". No. Dating someone is the same as" seeing someone". There is some sort of foundation there. I don't "see multiple guys at the same time".

 

Besides it's not like I demand exclusivity after 2 dates.

One month , 10 dates for exclusive dating isnt that outrageous lol

Edited January 29, 2019 by frus69

[allofme]

Bear in mind to a lot of people, exclusivity and relationships are the same thing. I don’t see the difference. I wont feel more secure if a guy agrees to date my exclusively but not in a relationship.

[SophieG]

Bear in mind to a lot of people, exclusivity and relationships are the same thing. I don’t see the difference. I wont feel more secure if a guy agrees to date my exclusively but not in a relationship.

 

To be fair to the OP, being exclusive and being in a relationship is two distinguished things. The first one just implies that both person agree to not see other people and focus on each other to see if things can go somewhere. The second implies commitment. If I date someone exclusively, I can still get out of it no questions asked and fairly easily. When you’re a couple, you try work through things together, and you don’t just quit as easily I guess. That’s how I a lot of people (35 y.o and under from my entourage) see things.

But for others, being exclusive and in a relationship is the same thing. That’s why it’s important to talk about with your partner, so there’s no ambiguity.

[allofme]

Yes i understand the difference to some people but I generally am either in or out. I’m someone who would rather wait and see for a few months.

 

The exclusive but not in a relationship can be misinterpreted in so many ways. Seen it happened a few times.

[frus69]

Bear in mind to a lot of people, exclusivity and relationships are the same thing. I don’t see the difference. I wont feel more secure if a guy agrees to date my exclusively but not in a relationship.

 

Exactly. Being in exclusive dating and in a relationship are two different things that's why you don't feel more secure just being in exclusive dating.

That's what I've been saying, exclusive doesnt mean that much, certainly no need to"push" for that. If you like someone enough you are naturally happy to just see that person only. No need to get romantic with other people too. And it's not that big of a commitment/ sacrifice at all.

When I said to him" I prefer you not hook up with other girls" I wasn't demanding or controlling. He could totally say" no I don't think we are there and I still want my options open" if that's what he wants. But he said hes happy to just see me. So I didn't think I rushed into anything.

[frus69]

Yes i understand the difference to some people but I generally am either in or out. I’m someone who would rather wait and see for a few months.

 

The exclusive but not in a relationship can be misinterpreted in so many ways. Seen it happened a few times.

Hmm so how do you do it? Do you kiss 3 different guys in a row?

[Gaeta]

I know what you're saying. But I liked seeing him for 2-3 times a week so I wasn't gonna say no when he asked. Besides if hes only in for sex it, I could only see him once for a week and he'd still just want sex

 

 

I like chocolate but I don't eat it 3 times a week. It's not because it feels good that it's good to over do it. Someone with a bit of dating experience know at the beginning it's exciting and we feel like being together all the time but it's a trap to avoid because A) it builds a false sense of familiarity B) It creates unrealistic expectation.

[frus69]

Would you call 2 to 3 dates a week "over do "? To each their own I guess. I wouldn't eat chocolate 5 days a week, but can easily handle 3. And if he is on the same frequency, why not?

 

My point is I don't think it's that often that will kill the attraction. Also our dates are on average 2-4 hours. No staying over or anything. It may be building up false expectation. Well i'm lowering it anyway. I've decided not worry about his texts anymore. And not create problems before problems arise.

[MaleIntuition]

The relationships didn't work out NOT because they initiated contact lmao. They did not work out because we ended up not being compatible. If a guy ends up being wrong for me it was the deal breaker that made him wrong for me not the fact that he initiate calls smh. The mistake I DID make in the past is staying longer than I should and trying to work it out with an ex out of my love for him and dedication to the relationship despite red flags. I should have left sooner once I detected the redflags that was really not okay.

 

No one is taking away the components that is needed for a GOOD relationship to last (compatibility, shared values, commitment, faithfulness, dedication to treat each other right, and be a teammate, respect, healthy conflict resolution..). I stress good because some if not many of these long term relationships/marriages that people seem to marvel at are really TRASH behind close doors and not to be role modeled but don't want to admit it (infidelity, staying for the kids, abuse, feeling like a prisoner in your home, loveless, sexless, always fighting, breaking up and getting back together multiple times, toxic af etc).

 

Make no mistake when a woman chooses a guy to be a boyfriend there is only so much she can go on the first few months of them dating. Vice versa for men choosing a woman. After deciding if the person is decent looking enough well the obvious things to look at is the person interested in a relationship and getting to know me and put in effort which is where calling and asking out comes in. You can't judge a mans character in how well he treats you and heck he can't judge a woman's unless we talk to each other and see each other. And if a guy isn't contacting and trying to spend time with the girl you can nix all the other things that is VERY IMPORTANT to evaluate inside a relationship. You don't even have anything off the ground if the person is flakey and uninterested. How you going to find out if compatible and get along?

 

My approach is this. If I am going to enter into a relationship with a guy he needs to ATLEAST be the type to call and see me regularly and treat me right. Why? Because we can't get sh*t off the ground if we not communicating and spending time. And if We can't get to know each other then again how in the heck do you propose you find out if someone is compatible if your not getting to know each other? And if he is not treating me right well then we are missing those important components to make a GOOD relationship last now aren't we? When you got a guy who you are getting to know regularly because y'all have consistent conversation and y'all are seeing each other and y'all both seem to be on the same page when it comes treating each other right well once y'all are exclusive bf and gf theeeeennn time reveals the rest if there is long term compatibility. You have conflicts together and how each other handle conflict. Is it healthy? Is it toxic? How we handle each other flaws. Do we still continue to treat each other with love and respect. Can we operate as team mates. How do we handle short term decisions? How do we handle long term decisions? And unfortunately if it can't work out because one or both parties stop treating each other with respect, stop being loving, stop being a teammate, stop resolving conflicts, stop trying to understand the other....well then it is the wrong person or you are the wrong person for them. You let it go. Get back out there and find someone that is right for you. Rinse repeat. Be a good partner and find a good partner (has to be both).

 

Now the reason I believe in men initiating is not because women can't do it (they can) but I really don't believe it's effective in dealing with men at the beginning stages. Now of course once he is a long term committed boyfriend and he treating you right consistently it don't really matter who contacts who. And quite honestly women COULD contact at the beginning if they want. it doesn't always mean that some guys won't treat them right. But I do think there will be a greater amount of rejection that I don't think women have to deal with. Because you men really do what y'all want to do lol. if you like a woman you contact, you ask her out, you ask her to be the girlfriend, you ask her to meet the parents, and you ask to marry. Don't get mad at me. Get mad at your brethren lmao.

 

And your right my approach to dating for beginning stages doesn't remotely capture the long term because we are talking about the beginning my friend. Let me remind you that the OP is just now dating this guy and the topic of discussion is about how to communicate when he is on vacay AND he is not yet her boyfriend.

 

For the sake of argument then: You are basically willing to enter a relationship with someone if they a) look good and b) chase you an appropriate amount? Compatibility can be figured out later..? As I said; the checklist is a consequence of not trusting ones intuition about someone’s personality and values.

 

We are not talking about asking for dates and/or spending time in real life together - obviously you need to spend time together - the question at hand is about frequency of texting. Texting that has no other purpose then the text itself. If I’m not mistaken your advice is pretty much; unless he text you the way you want to be texted: Move on. Which I believe is a very arbitrary black or white - approach, precisely because there are no rules or even general consensus of what is considered appropriate.

[d0nnivain]

OK . . .

 

You moved at a pace some may see as fast but it worked for you.

 

Even though it's only been a month, there have been 10 days & you started having sex around date 5. That led to a conversation where you both promised not to have sex with others but you haven't defined yourselves as being "in a relationship."

 

Now he will be traveling. Perhaps ASK him before he leaves or express some desire to hear from him before he leaves. If you have expectations around communication speak up. Don't just sit there & then get all pissed off if he fails your test. Tell him what you want!

 

Problem solved.

[frus69]

Yes, we did talk. We talked about keeping contact during the trip,talked about things we will do after he comes back, I even told him if he ever changes his mind about us, tell me. Dont disappear and just let me guess. So everything was good and dandy.

But... people dont always do what they promised. People do all kinds of weird sh*t.

He left 2 days ago. Last night I sent him a message asking if he landed safely. It's morning now, no reply.

Because everything was so promising before he left, I really find it haard to believe he will ghost me. But the truth is, he didn't reply. I know he has reception. I don't think he is that busy he can't tell me if he's safe and settled.

Im still pretty calm to be honest. Im disappointed, but I won't go crazy

[Curiousroxy86]

For the sake of argument then: You are basically willing to enter a relationship with someone if they a) look good and b) chase you an appropriate amount? Compatibility can be figured out later..? As I said; the checklist is a consequence of not trusting ones intuition about someone’s personality and values.

 

We are not talking about asking for dates and/or spending time in real life together - obviously you need to spend time together - the question at hand is about frequency of texting. Texting that has no other purpose then the text itself. If I’m not mistaken your advice is pretty much; unless he text you the way you want to be texted: Move on. Which I believe is a very arbitrary black or white - approach, precisely because there are no rules or even general consensus of what is considered appropriate.

 

It's not just oh he looks good and he pursue me. Being attractive enough and pursuit I include but that's not the only thing I personally evaluate when it comes to who I decide to say yes to exclusivity too. It's he looks good, he pursues me, annnnnd he treats me right annnnnd we seem to be on the same page (we both want a monogamy/long term relationship/eventually a happy healthy marriage, we both value quality time and affection, we may like the same things or at least respect each other's differences, some likes and dislikes, we both think the other got their head screwed on straight lol) these are just some of the minimum things you find out about someone at the beginning 2-3 month span. Things that lead you to believe that there is enough compatibility to want to giving being in an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship a shot. Figuring out long term compatibility comes with TIME my friend. How we decide, how we handle conflict, how life throws sh*t at us, how truthful we actually are lmao.

 

I will admit my approach have became a bit black and white and I'm not apologetic for it. It became that way because I use to be very openminded and gave a lot of lee way and the benefit of the doubt to my own detriment and wasted a lot of my time. It's not that I don't allow for nuance at all because I do. And there are things that isn't black and white when it comes to how I now date. But there are many things that I am a stickler for. Texting is actually one of those things I do allow for nuance. A guy could not text at all or text a lot if he isnt a boyfriend. Even if he becomes a boyfriend I'm still lenient. The only thing that would bother me about my partner concerning texting but still isn't a deal breaker is how long he responds. If he responds hours later without a good reason I wouldn't like it but I could accept. If he responds 24 hours+ later and it's not an emergency I'm sorry thats not okay.

 

Phone calls I am personally black and white about. If a guy don't call regularly. (I'm open to reciprocally calling if he ask me to call) but if he is not the type to talk on the phone at all regularly then thats okay no hard feelings but he is not what I'm looking for. In the dating stages before exclusivity I may not cut him cold turky. I will respond to his texts in case he all the sudden wants to call. But what's going to happen if he continues to be meh about calling is im going to focus on suitors who do call and the guy who relentlessly texts and doesn't call or the guy who don't call or text will naturally be ignored. Why? Because talking on the phone in between dates is important to me. Why is it important to me? one of many ways to get to know a guy and connect is through conversation and spending time together. Same for If he don't see me regularly. I will focus on the suitors who do. There are other boundaries I am/have become black and white about. I don't do long distance. I don't do arse holes. I don't do selfishness. I don't do prison records. I don't do unaffectionate types. And yes I don't do guys who are passive (I don't mind reciprocal and will oblige. But Passive? No).

[allofme]

Cutting a guy off because he doesn’t like calling? Woh, no wonder they say women have unrealistic standards. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. If a guy breaks up with me because I hate speaking on the phone, i will thank him for doing me a huge favour.

[allofme]

Yes, we did talk. We talked about keeping contact during the trip,talked about things we will do after he comes back, I even told him if he ever changes his mind about us, tell me. Dont disappear and just let me guess. So everything was good and dandy.

But... people dont always do what they promised. People do all kinds of weird sh*t.

He left 2 days ago. Last night I sent him a message asking if he landed safely. It's morning now, no reply.

Because everything was so promising before he left, I really find it haard to believe he will ghost me. But the truth is, he didn't reply. I know he has reception. I don't think he is that busy he can't tell me if he's safe and settled.

Im still pretty calm to be honest. Im disappointed, but I won't go crazy

 

 

The fact that you’re already keeping tabs on him, checking him up and mentally demanding him to reply wirhin your expected timeframe just sounds so exhausting. It’s onyl been a month gosh.

 

I’m a regular traveller and have travelled to more than 40 countries. It’s very very tiring. You talk to a lot of people. You have time difference. You move around a lot. You don’t get enough sleep. Give the guy a break ffs.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, we did talk. We talked about keeping contact during the trip,talked about things we will do after he comes back, I even told him if he ever changes his mind about us, tell me. Dont disappear and just let me guess. So everything was good and dandy.

But... people dont always do what they promised. People do all kinds of weird sh*t.

He left 2 days ago. Last night I sent him a message asking if he landed safely. It's morning now, no reply.

Because everything was so promising before he left, I really find it haard to believe he will ghost me. But the truth is, he didn't reply. I know he has reception. I don't think he is that busy he can't tell me if he's safe and settled.

Im still pretty calm to be honest. Im disappointed, but I won't go crazy

 

it sounds like you did everything you could. It's pretty disappointing that he didn't even say landed safely, but since you know there were no major plane crashes report logic dictates that he's OK. Plus, maybe he got hammered on the plane & didn't recharge his phone.

 

I'm glad you are calm & planning to remain that way. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he does end up being a good guy.

[frus69]

For the sake of argument then: You are basically willing to enter a relationship with someone if they a) look good and b) chase you an appropriate amount? Compatibility can be figured out later..? As I said; the checklist is a consequence of not trusting ones intuition about someone’s personality and values.

 

We are not talking about asking for dates and/or spending time in real life together - obviously you need to spend time together - the question at hand is about frequency of texting. Texting that has no other purpose then the text itself. If I’m not mistaken your advice is pretty much; unless he text you the way you want to be texted: Move on. Which I believe is a very arbitrary black or white - approach, precisely because there are no rules or even general consensus of what is considered appropriate.

The assho*es I've met these years made me not trust my intuition anymore. Guys can be consistently good to you for a good 3 months then poof, gone back to the ex. Guys can tell you all the nice things they want to do with you then poof, completely disappear.

There was an incident where I havent heard from this guy before our date and I was certain I was ghosted. But i was wrong. And now I trusted him when he said he will contact me, but truth is he is not replying to my msg. I cant think of any reason why except that he doesnt want to (continue seeing me)

[allofme]

it sounds like you did everything you could. It's pretty disappointing that he didn't even say landed safely, but since you know there were no major plane crashes report logic dictates that he's OK. Plus, maybe he got hammered on the plane & didn't recharge his phone.

 

I'm glad you are calm & planning to remain that way. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he does end up being a good guy.

 

Am I the only one who would find it annoying if a guy keeps checking up on me when I’m on my hols? (Boyfriend however is a different story)

[frus69]

Am I the only one who would find it annoying if a guy keeps checking up on me when I’m on my hols? (Boyfriend however is a different story)

 

We havent talked for a good 3 or 4 days

I did not constantly check up on him. I don't know why you keep saying that.

[allofme]

We havent talked for a good 3 or 4 days

I did not constantly check up on him. I don't know why you keep saying that.

 

 

Oh ok I thought you had contact with him before yesterday. How long will he be gone for in total?

 

If he hasn’t got in touch with you for 3-4 days and has not replied to your message for more than 24 hours, I’d just move on, unless he’s doing a jungle camping trip or any dort of thing that would leave him in the middle of nowhere. I’d find it hard to believe a guy who’s truly interested would just not reply or not text you for that long.

 

Maybe start detaching and cut your losses now. If he messages you again, see what excuses he has. If he lost his phone or got his things stolen or some emergencies like this, I’d give him the benefit of doubts (unless you could see he’s online?)

[allofme]

I’m actually in a similar situation. Not heard from this guy for days now after I said “enjoy your hols”. I just checked my messages with my ex who I was hooking up with. Neither of us were interested in each other romantically but we were friendly and the sex was great. We actually kept in touch every 2-3 days and that’s on the basis of us not dating.

 

I just deleted that guy’s number. I still have our chat history but I’m gonna let him go.

Edited January 30, 2019 by allofme