Curiousroxy86 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 If you don't hear from him at all while he on vacay how would that make you feel? Would you want a boyfriend like that? Is this something you can forgive? If your answers are bad, no, and yes. Then if you don't hear from him during vacay and he contacts you after vacay then you continue dating as is because you said yes to can forgive If your answers are bad, no, and no. Then you ignore him and date other men. You need to figure out what you will and will not tolerate from any guy and then apply it to this guy
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 If it were me and he is not my boyfriend I wouldnt be waiting on him while he on vacation. I would be dating other men anyway and so when a guy acts flaky Whether he on vacay or not it wouldn't matter because I would talk to suitors who are not flaky. Flaky guys would just naturally get ignored because guys who are not would take up my time. But I believe you said y'all are exclusive but not boyfriend/girlfriend I think you explained smh. So I guess if I were in your shoes and I don't hear from him at all I would see if he contacts after vacay. Set a timeline your comfortable with I guess. For me max 24 hours after he comes back lol. Your mileage may vary. If he doesn't contact then I would go date other men.
Author frus69 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 And just curious, if I was the one going away, should I update him something every few days? Or should I still wait for him to contact me because he is the guy lol
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 well you know me lol. I don't initiate contact with men anyway 90% of the time. And in my experience my boyfriends and when they were suitors who acted like boyfriends (which is why they became boyfriend) initiated contact and it didn't matter if it was me on vacay or them on vacay But you have to understand I choose men who call and text me on their own So if it were you who is away. Honestly you could get away with letting him initiate contact. Men that like the girl will contact no matter who is on vacation. And even if he expects a girl to contact him sometimes (I have dated men like this and current guy I am seeing is like this) he would simply let you know. "Hey babe call me sometimes or hit me up". If the guy invites you to contact sometimes then yes contact him sometimes. Be reciprocal about it. So to answer your question it doesn't matter who on vacay. You can't go wrong with letting the man initiate as long as you respond with interest and positivity in a timely manner. And if he express a desire for you to contact him theeeennnn you can initiate contact sometimes. Hope that makes sense.
MaleIntuition Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 well you know me lol. I don't initiate contact with men anyway 90% of the time. And in my experience my boyfriends and when they were suitors who acted like boyfriends (which is why they became boyfriend) initiated contact and it didn't matter if it was me on vacay or them on vacay But you have to understand I choose men who call and text me on their own So if it were you who is away. Honestly you could get away with letting him initiate contact. Men that like the girl will contact no matter who is on vacation. And even if he expects a girl to contact him sometimes (I have dated men like this and current guy I am seeing is like this) he would simply let you know. "Hey babe call me sometimes or hit me up". If the guy invites you to contact sometimes then yes contact him sometimes. Be reciprocal about it. So to answer your question it doesn't matter who on vacay. You can't go wrong with letting the man initiate as long as you respond with interest and positivity in a timely manner. And if he express a desire for you to contact him theeeennnn you can initiate contact sometimes. Hope that makes sense. Curious how those relationship worked out for you? Have you ever considered that your check-list approach to dating doesn’t even remotely capture the the essence of what’s important for long term success and compatibility? Those arbitrary rules are just that: Arbitrary. You are turning dating into a game of guess-my-rules. OP, you are dating; figure out if you like him, not if you like receiving attention from him. Unless I missed something important; men are not born with a dating rulebook, and - believe it or not - girls have different preferences when it comes to frequency of contact, appropriate act of service or other “trivial” matters. I get that those rules are a way to compartmentalise when you stop trusting your own intuition, but you will definitely risk missing opportunities with such a narrow mindset. Try to focus on the bigger picture; attraction/personality/core values/**** in order/common interest/etc. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Curious how those relationship worked out for you? Have you ever considered that your check-list approach to dating doesn’t even remotely capture the the essence of what’s important for long term success and compatibility? The relationships didn't work out NOT because they initiated contact lmao. They did not work out because we ended up not being compatible. If a guy ends up being wrong for me it was the deal breaker that made him wrong for me not the fact that he initiate calls smh. The mistake I DID make in the past is staying longer than I should and trying to work it out with an ex out of my love for him and dedication to the relationship despite red flags. I should have left sooner once I detected the redflags that was really not okay. No one is taking away the components that is needed for a GOOD relationship to last (compatibility, shared values, commitment, faithfulness, dedication to treat each other right, and be a teammate, respect, healthy conflict resolution..). I stress good because some if not many of these long term relationships/marriages that people seem to marvel at are really TRASH behind close doors and not to be role modeled but don't want to admit it (infidelity, staying for the kids, abuse, feeling like a prisoner in your home, loveless, sexless, always fighting, breaking up and getting back together multiple times, toxic af etc). Make no mistake when a woman chooses a guy to be a boyfriend there is only so much she can go on the first few months of them dating. Vice versa for men choosing a woman. After deciding if the person is decent looking enough well the obvious things to look at is the person interested in a relationship and getting to know me and put in effort which is where calling and asking out comes in. You can't judge a mans character in how well he treats you and heck he can't judge a woman's unless we talk to each other and see each other. And if a guy isn't contacting and trying to spend time with the girl you can nix all the other things that is VERY IMPORTANT to evaluate inside a relationship. You don't even have anything off the ground if the person is flakey and uninterested. How you going to find out if compatible and get along? My approach is this. If I am going to enter into a relationship with a guy he needs to ATLEAST be the type to call and see me regularly and treat me right. Why? Because we can't get sh*t off the ground if we not communicating and spending time. And if We can't get to know each other then again how in the heck do you propose you find out if someone is compatible if your not getting to know each other? And if he is not treating me right well then we are missing those important components to make a GOOD relationship last now aren't we? When you got a guy who you are getting to know regularly because y'all have consistent conversation and y'all are seeing each other and y'all both seem to be on the same page when it comes treating each other right well once y'all are exclusive bf and gf theeeeennn time reveals the rest if there is long term compatibility. You have conflicts together and how each other handle conflict. Is it healthy? Is it toxic? How we handle each other flaws. Do we still continue to treat each other with love and respect. Can we operate as team mates. How do we handle short term decisions? How do we handle long term decisions? And unfortunately if it can't work out because one or both parties stop treating each other with respect, stop being loving, stop being a teammate, stop resolving conflicts, stop trying to understand the other....well then it is the wrong person or you are the wrong person for them. You let it go. Get back out there and find someone that is right for you. Rinse repeat. Be a good partner and find a good partner (has to be both). Now the reason I believe in men initiating is not because women can't do it (they can) but I really don't believe it's effective in dealing with men at the beginning stages. Now of course once he is a long term committed boyfriend and he treating you right consistently it don't really matter who contacts who. And quite honestly women COULD contact at the beginning if they want. it doesn't always mean that some guys won't treat them right. But I do think there will be a greater amount of rejection that I don't think women have to deal with. Because you men really do what y'all want to do lol. if you like a woman you contact, you ask her out, you ask her to be the girlfriend, you ask her to meet the parents, and you ask to marry. Don't get mad at me. Get mad at your brethren lmao. And your right my approach to dating for beginning stages doesn't remotely capture the long term because we are talking about the beginning my friend. Let me remind you that the OP is just now dating this guy and the topic of discussion is about how to communicate when he is on vacay AND he is not yet her boyfriend.
SophieG Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Okay a bit update every few days is good for me. And if he doesnt do that...? What do YOU want?! Like I said, I wouldn’t except any contact since if I’m on vacation, I would turn off my phone and enjoy that time to the fullest without thinking of contacting anyone. But that’s me. My bf is probably going to Cuba in August. I expect a text saying he arrived (since it’s going to be his first time flying) and a text saying he’s leaving, but that’s it, and I’m perfectly fine with that, he should enjoy his vacation without thinking: « Oh I should text her »... we’ll have plenty of time to talk about his trip when he gets back. But that works for ME!! Do you need him to contact you while he’s away?! Would YOU be okay with him getting in touch with you only once he’s back? 1
Author frus69 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 I didn't want no contact but after seeing some of your guys posts I honestly start to think maybe it's not that big of a deal anymore. I should focus on his behavior when he gets back. It should be obvious by then if he wants to continue seeing me. Hes leaving today and last night we kind of talked about keeping contact during the trip. He sounds like he will text me, so I will keep you guys updated.
fred123 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 I’m going to offer something different here. OP I’m not a texter. I normally only text (to reply to) my friends who are huuuuge texters. Like those who freak out over me leaving them on read but not reply. I not turned off my whatsapp read receipts so go figure. First of all I do like to agree with other posters that even if he texts you daily on holiday, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s serious about you. It could just mean he likes to share his experience with people or he’s like some of my friends who just can’t function without texting someone, anyone. I have also been dating a new guy for a bit over a month now. We’re not exclusive. We’ve not had the talk (even tho we’re both very into each other and we had amazing time and sex) and I still look around. He is also away on holiday at the moment. I don’t even know when exactly he’ll be back (i know he’ll be back roughly in a week but not sure I didn’t ask). A couple of days after he went away and we were texting in those two days, I said “hey, super busy now. let’s talk properly when you come back. Enjoy your holiday!” He’s not replied since and that was a few days ago. This is something I would’ve never done if it was a few months ago. I too get stressed out over if my dates would reply or if they would just ghost me. Or if they would just go on hols indefinitely. I would worry about all of these things even when we weren’t exclusive! It was super draining. Besides, I’m sick of texting and no face time. I hate online chats. I love face time (something that drives me crazy at work. People would just coordinate via email even tho we’re only one floor away!!). I was nervous initially after sending that and having no reply from him, thinking if I self sabotaged, scared him away or if it’s over. Now I feel calm and I know I made the right call. If he doesn’t contact me when he comes back, that speaks volume of how interested he was before he went away. so you are still going on dates with other guys if the opportunity comes up?
fred123 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 A call everyday when you just started to date them for 1-2months (assuming you weren’t friends for ages before) sounds very intense. also inviting a guy to a wedding after 2 months is very intense no?
SophieG Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 also inviting a guy to a wedding after 2 months is very intense no? For some, it’s not a big deal, for others, it is. One of my friend was invited to a wedding after the 2nd date. I think it’s pretty intense, but she didn’t think it was.
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 These make me more confusing now lol.. We arent in a relationship yet of course but I told him I expect exclusivity and he agreed. So... Talk about confusing. How the <bleep> can you be exclusive with somebody you are not in a relationship with? People today measure interest by how often somebody texts them. I read all these posts on LS about people who text each other multiple times per day or people who want that & other who tell the OPs that SOs who don't reach out daily are not that into them. Makes me so glad I'm married. I don't text anybody daily & somebody who texted me multiple times every day would be shown the door out of my life very quickly. Smothering somebody does not equal love. The idea that somebody in a new relationship (a few weeks of dating & not officially BF/GF) on vacation is obligated to reach out multiple times during the course of that trip is absolutely ludicrous to me! I would also need to know where the traveling person is going. Is there a time difference? Who else is going on the trip? Does the traveler's cell phone plane cover international texts? If the person left at home expects their new SO to incur large expenditures that is unreasonable. Personally I'd be waaaaayyyyy more impressed if the traveler sent a snail mail post card and brought home a small trinket. The amount of contact is personal & unique to the relationship but I suspect that those of you who want or are advocating daily communication are having trouble finding long term, committed fulfilling relationships because you have no meaningful idea what true commitment looks like. Hint: it's not a function of how many text messages or social media likes somebody sends. 2
fred123 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Talk about confusing. How the <bleep> can you be exclusive with somebody you are not in a relationship with? People today measure interest by how often somebody texts them. I read all these posts on LS about people who text each other multiple times per day or people who want that & other who tell the OPs that SOs who don't reach out daily are not that into them. Makes me so glad I'm married. I don't text anybody daily & somebody who texted me multiple times every day would be shown the door out of my life very quickly. Smothering somebody does not equal love. The idea that somebody in a new relationship (a few weeks of dating & not officially BF/GF) on vacation is obligated to reach out multiple times during the course of that trip is absolutely ludicrous to me! I would also need to know where the traveling person is going. Is there a time difference? Who else is going on the trip? Does the traveler's cell phone plane cover international texts? If the person left at home expects their new SO to incur large expenditures that is unreasonable. Personally I'd be waaaaayyyyy more impressed if the traveler sent a snail mail post card and brought home a small trinket. The amount of contact is personal & unique to the relationship but I suspect that those of you who want or are advocating daily communication are having trouble finding long term, committed fulfilling relationships because you have no meaningful idea what true commitment looks like. Hint: it's not a function of how many text messages or social media likes somebody sends. i d9sagree. how many social media likes does mean how much someone likes you i think. and how often they text you. and this isnt from me as a guy. iv hewrd and seen this from womens actions also
SophieG Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 i d9sagree. how many social media likes does mean how much someone likes you i think. and how often they text you. and this isnt from me as a guy. iv hewrd and seen this from womens actions also My bf and I aren’t even In a Relationship on Facebook, he doesn’t like my pictures of posts (those rare ones I put up) and I don’t either for his pictures or whatever... does it mean we don’t like each other?!
PRW Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Not a serious exclusivity talk..I just said "I rather you not hook up with anyone while away." It doesn't mean we are in a relationship. I dont think I pushed it, I mean I can expect exclusive dating from day one if I want..I understand what you are saying but it isn't a very good idea to approach it like this. It is like straddling the fence. Kinda exclusive, but not. Kinda BF/GF, but not. That is too much ambiguity and will create confusion, and eventually a source of strife. Don't allow yourself to have any such conversation unless they ARE serious discussions and everyone involved knows exactly what they mean by what they are saying,...or just don't have any such conversations at all. "In a relationship", being BF/GF, and "being exclusive" NEED to all mean the same thing. Don't let "social hair-splitting" and people trying to monkey around with the definition of terms for their own personal benefit lead you down some kind of rabbit hole where neither "Alice", the rabbit, or anyone else really knows what anyone means by what they say.
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) i d9sagree. how many social media likes does mean how much someone likes you i think. and how often they text you. and this isnt from me as a guy. iv hewrd and seen this from womens actions also So based on your theory, the fact that I haven't "liked" something on my husband's social media in probably at least 2 years & our text messages are based on practicality -- please bring home milk; I'm running late; etc you would advise that I should, what, get a divorce because my husband & I don't love each other enough electronically? That is insane. Texting & social media are MEANINGLESS! Yes, they can bring a smile to your face but they are no substitute for a genuine connection. If they are all you have or what you are basing your relationship on, you have nothing. Edited January 28, 2019 by d0nnivain 2
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Talk about confusing. How the <bleep> can you be exclusive with somebody you are not in a relationship with? People today measure interest by how often somebody texts them. I read all these posts on LS about people who text each other multiple times per day or people who want that & other who tell the OPs that SOs who don't reach out daily are not that into them. Makes me so glad I'm married. I don't text anybody daily & somebody who texted me multiple times every day would be shown the door out of my life very quickly. Smothering somebody does not equal love. The idea that somebody in a new relationship (a few weeks of dating & not officially BF/GF) on vacation is obligated to reach out multiple times during the course of that trip is absolutely ludicrous to me! I would also need to know where the traveling person is going. Is there a time difference? Who else is going on the trip? Does the traveler's cell phone plane cover international texts? If the person left at home expects their new SO to incur large expenditures that is unreasonable. Personally I'd be waaaaayyyyy more impressed if the traveler sent a snail mail post card and brought home a small trinket. The amount of contact is personal & unique to the relationship but I suspect that those of you who want or are advocating daily communication are having trouble finding long term, committed fulfilling relationships because you have no meaningful idea what true commitment looks like. Hint: it's not a function of how many text messages or social media likes somebody sends. thumbs up! thumbs up! thumbs up! thumbs up! thumbs up! thumbs up! thumbs up!
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 i d9sagree. how many social media likes does mean how much someone likes you i think. and how often they text you. and this isnt from me as a guy. iv heard and seen this from womens actions also You know someone likes you by their actions. Liking your pictures on social media is not an action, it's a click, it's easy and lazy. Driving to you is an action, setting up a date is an action, shopping for a souvenir on their trip is an action. Social media is none sense fluff, nothing more. Life, love, is something you experience face to face, not on text. OP has 'no relationship' with this man. They have an agreement to not date others for now. They've dated 3 weeks, they don't owe each other anything. OP, let the man enjoy his vacations, he doesn't need the pressure of texting you to prove god knows what! Who knows, in 2 months you may decide he's the biggest jerk of all. Take your time. You don't need him or his text to be whole. Don't worry so much about if HE likes you but concentrate on if YOU will have any reasons to like him. 1
fred123 Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 You know someone likes you by their actions. Liking your pictures on social media is not an action, it's a click, it's easy and lazy. Driving to you is an action, setting up a date is an action, shopping for a souvenir on their trip is an action. Social media is none sense fluff, nothing more. Life, love, is something you experience face to face, not on text. OP has 'no relationship' with this man. They have an agreement to not date others for now. They've dated 3 weeks, they don't owe each other anything. OP, let the man enjoy his vacations, he doesn't need the pressure of texting you to prove god knows what! Who knows, in 2 months you may decide he's the biggest jerk of all. Take your time. You don't need him or his text to be whole. Don't worry so much about if HE likes you but concentrate on if YOU will have any reasons to like him. so if he likes OP he would shop for a giift on his travels right?
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 so if he likes OP he would shop for a giift on his travels right? She is not his girlfriend. They were on a few dates for 3 weeks before he left. He could pick up something for her, but if he doesn't it doesn't mean anything. Expectations are different whether you've been dating 3 weeks, or 3 months or 3 years. I would expect a little souvenir from a 3 month boyfriend. I would not expect anything from a 3 week date. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 so if he likes OP he would shop for a giift on his travels right? Not necessarily. Shopping not required. Major thoughtful not required. Grabbing a shot glass / coffee mug / T -shirt as he walks by is fine. It's about showing that she was on his mind even if he wasn't blowing up her phone. I started dating my husband in July. Before having met him I planned a girls' trip on a cruise for NYE. By the time it might have been appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to come along, the cruise was already sold out. I also would not have bailed on my friends. I didn't have great email / phone connections on that international trip. I was gone for 11 days. I think we texted 2-3 times & had one short call from 1 port, Puerto Rico where I didn't have to pay international rates. I wasn't about to pay $7.95 per minute to talk to a guy I had been dating for 6 months. It was only 11 days, not 11 weeks. I think I bought him a shot glass & some coffee when I got back. We survived the time apart. He came on that same cruise with me the next year & proposed. You do need to nurture a relationship to make it grow but you don't have to be on top of one another all the time.
Author frus69 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) Not sure if it matters but here is some clarification. Despite being only a month in, we have gone on more than 10 dates, we both feel quiet familiar with each other now and I guess thats why I have higher expectations? And I don't expect a text everyday btw, just one every few days. But i'm not sure he will do even that lol but as some of you suggested, even if he doesn't sent me any text it's not that big of a deal, just observe his action after the vacay. Also we had sex roughly on date 5, that's why I kinda had the exclusivity talk before he left: I don't do multi dating when sex is involved. I don't think exclusive dating has to equal a relationship though. Edited January 28, 2019 by frus69
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Not sure if it matters but here is some clarification. Despite being only a month in, we have gone on more than 10 dates, we both feel quiet familiar with each other now and I guess thats why I have higher expectations? Seeing someone too often at the beginning, having a rush start does just that ---> giving you a false sense of familiarity. You still only know each other 3 weeks, he's still a stranger no matter how many hours, or dates you went on. Going on SEVERAL dates in a short time is often (not telling you that's what he did) what some guys do to get to sex faster. Take the girl out 3 times in 1 week assures him to be laid on the following weekend because women falsely think that 3 dates over 1 week is the same as 3 dates over 3 weeks. It's not. Also we had sex roughly on date 5, that's why I kinda had the exclusivity talk before he left: I don't do multi dating when sex is involved. I don't think exclusive dating has to equal a relationship though. So don't expect a text or a call and go about your days and be busy. 1
GTR King Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 When I first met my G.F (29th Oct) we both were going away (Mid Nov) Her: Best Friend female (Egypt) Me: Family (Prague)... We mostly spoke a Few times in Morning & Evening with 20-30 mins video call but during the day we were busy etc... If your not in exclusive relationship yet then there is no need for him to message whilst he is on holiday.. Just see how he acts when he gets back
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