basil67 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Just for the sake of argument, if your bf didnt call you at all during your vacation, would you not worry either? Wait wait...turn this around. As the one who's going away, you're the one who needs to call and make the extra effort to connect. Call when it suits you. If you get a good reception, call regularly. If he's distant and weird, don't bother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frus69 Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Huh??Are you saying whoever is on vacation is responsible to call, or the one not on vacation is? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Huh??Are you saying whoever is on vacation is responsible to call, or the one not on vacation is? The person on vacation person calls. Or at least, that's how I know it to be. It's about showing that we haven't forgotten the person left at home despite the fact we're having a fabulous time without them. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 On the 19th you had a thread about him showing less interest, being less responsive, forgetting to answer text had happened too. Are you sure this guy is into you? Don't hold on to him like this, if he's not dating you the way you want to then move along and find a man that will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frus69 Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Yep same guy. Things have gotten better after I told him want I want and we maintained regular contact and frequent dates so for now I really have nothing to complain. But maybe I am just the anxious type I worry things in advance... Link to post Share on other sites
Author frus69 Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Also yeah I do want to find a guy who can date me exactly the way I want but never happened in my 10 years of dating life so I begin to think they dont exist lol That or my expectations are unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Yes, it could be reasonable to look at your expectations. FWIW, I got a second opinion from my 19yo daughter on who should call. She said the person away calls. She also said that if the person left at home calls, then they look really desperate...like they can't cope without you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Also yeah I do want to find a guy who can date me exactly the way I want but never happened in my 10 years of dating life so I begin to think they dont exist lol That or my expectations are unreasonable. I want to address your quote But I want to drop this quick 2 cents. Take it or leave it. I don't think you should initiate calling this guy. I think your BEST bet with this guy is have a wait and see attitude how he operates while he on vacay. With men you really can't go wrong with this method. Even if he is the type to expect a girl to reciprocally contact most guys still pursue the girl they like and if he wants you to contact him sometimes or be reciprocal he will literally tell you (hey call me, hit me up, don't be stanger) and if he does thennnn you can start initiating contact. But that's just my chump change. Now back to your quote Men don't always do what we want them to do. Lord knows they don't lol! The reason I'm such a big fan of letting men initiate is that you can see what they are willing to do on their own. You can see their natural efforts and choose the man that already gives you what you want mostly. Give them the space to step up or at the least show you what type of man he is and how he operates. Now I believe in timelines. If he doesn't do something you need him to do on his own within the time you feel comfortable to allow then you sweetly ask for what you want. If he doesn't respond favorably (and this thing you need is important to you ) you let him go and focus on another guy who will. Honestly at one point I felt the way you felt because of the guy I liked/loved (an ex or exes for that matter) was not doing what I needed. And Because we get oneitis and is stuck on a particular guy when it doesn't pan out and it becomes a pattern in our love lives we tend to think men in general won't do what we want because that was our experience with those guys we were with when the reality (that we dont realize) is that the guy we liked that disappointed us were just the wrong guy and that there are men out there that don't have a problem with doing what you need in a relationship. But you don't recognize that if you allow yourself to continue to have oneitis. If you can shift your focus from one guy and instead shift towards what you need and desire in a relationship then you can better have an eye for guys that give you what you need. It's ok to want the guy you like to succeed but you should never make him the goal or getting this one particular guy to do what you want to be your goal. That is one the biggest recipes for failure in dating for women I think. It leads to too much pressure and expectation on this one guy and you being utterly disappointed and burned out if it doesn't pan out. If you can have the mindset of I want a man who is xyz or does xyz consistently or the type of relationship where we xyz. Then when dating men that come into your life you can observe and choose based on "who is best suited for me" instead of "how can I get this guy to do what I need him to do." You can better look at who he actually is instead of idealizing him then make decisions based on that. The guy you like is given the opportunity to step up. If he does great. If he doesn't...NEXT! Just don't make him the goal. Link to post Share on other sites
soyou Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 I think all of the female posters here playing it too cool! I’m going to answer your question at my most honest! If I’m seeing a guy for a month and he’s going on holiday! Given both are serious about this relationship even though exclusivity has not settled yet! I would expect him to text me here and there, send some pics or some updates! Every few days!! If he doesn’t text me at all during his trip, I would consider that he’s not that interested in me!! DELETE AND NEXT!! Nobody is too busy to send just a hello text !! Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 I think all of the female posters here playing it too cool! I’m going to answer your question at my most honest! If I’m seeing a guy for a month and he’s going on holiday! Given both are serious about this relationship even though exclusivity has not settled yet! I would expect him to text me here and there, send some pics or some updates! Every few days!! If he doesn’t text me at all during his trip, I would consider that he’s not that interested in me!! DELETE AND NEXT!! Nobody is too busy to send just a hello text !! When your not the girlfriend I don't think it's a good idea to tell a guy to keep contact while he is on vacay which is why I recommend waiting and see what he does on his own. but I am in agreement that a guy who doesn't keep contact during vacay would risk losing me. Any flaky behavior should be a risk to get lost lol. The point at the beginning stages of dating is choosing guys who naturally give you what you want instead of putting unwarranted pressure on a guy that's technically not your man Link to post Share on other sites
GTR King Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 If your dating someone New 1-2 months etc and they are going on holiday (Depends where) You should let them Initiate Contact... if they are interested they will message a few times a day and a quick Call (Maybe video call) Depends on timezone tho... If hear nothing from them then wait till they get back to message, you will soon know if they are interested in you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 It’s been a month, so I wouldn’t except too much. Last year, I went on vacation with my mom and I think I sent maybe 2 or 3 texts during the whole trip (8 days) to my bf at the time. My mom goes in the south alone every year and does no text her boyfriend (of 8 years) except for when she lands or leaves. So, I think it’s different for everyone. On a business trip, I’d call or text my bf everyday. If I’m going to Cuba, I simply close my phone for the whole week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 I’m going to offer something different here. OP I’m not a texter. I normally only text (to reply to) my friends who are huuuuge texters. Like those who freak out over me leaving them on read but not reply. I not turned off my whatsapp read receipts so go figure. First of all I do like to agree with other posters that even if he texts you daily on holiday, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s serious about you. It could just mean he likes to share his experience with people or he’s like some of my friends who just can’t function without texting someone, anyone. I have also been dating a new guy for a bit over a month now. We’re not exclusive. We’ve not had the talk (even tho we’re both very into each other and we had amazing time and sex) and I still look around. He is also away on holiday at the moment. I don’t even know when exactly he’ll be back (i know he’ll be back roughly in a week but not sure I didn’t ask). A couple of days after he went away and we were texting in those two days, I said “hey, super busy now. let’s talk properly when you come back. Enjoy your holiday!” He’s not replied since and that was a few days ago. This is something I would’ve never done if it was a few months ago. I too get stressed out over if my dates would reply or if they would just ghost me. Or if they would just go on hols indefinitely. I would worry about all of these things even when we weren’t exclusive! It was super draining. Besides, I’m sick of texting and no face time. I hate online chats. I love face time (something that drives me crazy at work. People would just coordinate via email even tho we’re only one floor away!!). I was nervous initially after sending that and having no reply from him, thinking if I self sabotaged, scared him away or if it’s over. Now I feel calm and I know I made the right call. If he doesn’t contact me when he comes back, that speaks volume of how interested he was before he went away. Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 If your dating someone New 1-2 months etc and they are going on holiday (Depends where) You should let them Initiate Contact... if they are interested they will message a few times a day and a quick Call (Maybe video call) Depends on timezone tho... If hear nothing from them then wait till they get back to message, you will soon know if they are interested in you A call everyday when you just started to date them for 1-2months (assuming you weren’t friends for ages before) sounds very intense. Link to post Share on other sites
GTR King Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Not every day but every few days will do if more then great Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Before we got engaged (but had been together for a while and were starting to plan a future together) my fiancé went away for a few weeks to visit family. We hardly communicated at all while he was gone. That was fine by me. I might have sent him an odd "miss you/love you" text here and there (less than once a week), but for the most part I let him do the contacting. Before him I was in a long distance relationship with a guy where we talked and texted pretty much all the time. I was totally in love with him, but that sort of regular contact was a bit exhausting. In general I like to pretend that instant forms of communication don't exist. If it wouldn't be worth sending my message by Pony Express, it can wait until I see him in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Morello Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) If he doesn’t contact me when he comes back, that speaks volume of how interested he was before he went away. While I think you did what works for you (kudos on that), I don't think things are that straight-forward. Does he know you're not big on texting? You could have communicated it better. It sounded like you don't wanna hear from him again before he comes back from his trip. Edited January 27, 2019 by Morello Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 If your dating someone New 1-2 months etc and they are going on holiday (Depends where) You should let them Initiate Contact... if they are interested they will message a few times a day and a quick Call (Maybe video call) Depends on timezone tho... I wonder if people with these kind of expectations have ever been on vacation trip! If I were on vacation and had time to text or call my bf several times a day it would mean my vacation is boring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 If it were me... If he not my exclusive boyfriend then I would expect nothing but just observe what he does If he is my exclusive boyfriend I would expect my daily phone call lol And in my experience guys as my boyfriend or as a suitor acting like my boyfriend and eventual became my boyfriend did make time to call even though they or I were on vacay Def agree here, but also feel if the guy really likes you, he will make an effort to call/text as often as he can. My partner and I were exclusive when he went on vacay, he didn't have reception most of the time (on a cruise), but would always text me when he had a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 While I think you did what works for you (kudos on that), I don't think things are that straight-forward. Does he know you're not big on texting? You could have communicated it better. It sounded like you don't wanna hear from him again before he comes back from his trip. Neither of us was big on texting (I do love texting my date / bf everyday or every other day just to show that I’m thinking about him). I do tend to text more when I’m very very bored but I only do that to those friends who are huge texters. If I know my guy isn’t a texter, I would just not bother him. He told me up front he’s very independent and not a huge fan of texting. I don’t know if he has misinterpreted my last message or if he’s just respecting what I wanted so he didn’t reply to that “let’s talk when you get back. Bye” text of mine. I think I was just trying to take the pressure off myself (I too used to have a list of how I expect guys to behave in the early stage of dating if we were to get serious). If he was truly interested, he would get in touch after he got back. Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Time and time again I saw women (including myself) getting freaked out over guys not behaving as they expected them to in the early stage of dating. These women then turned around and said they were not interested anymore once they realised these same guys were actually interested in them and they saw what they wanted to see. Instant gratification is a serious problem in dating. It’s good to step back, cool down and reassess the situation. Took me years of dating to learn that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Morello Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Maybe he thinks if you were truly interested you wouldn't have sent a message like that and would be welcoming his contact. I'm not sure I'd be keen on reinitiating contact with someone who brushed me off like that in the early stages. Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Maybe he thinks if you were truly interested you wouldn't have sent a message like that and would be welcoming his contact. I'm not sure I'd be keen on reinitiating contact with someone who brushed me off like that in the early stages. Yes it’s possible. It’s also possible that he thinks I’m playing games or being difficult. The reality was that I wasn’t sure when we’d see each other the next time. He is a very spontaneous traveller. Initially he asked me to go visit him for the weekend since it’s only a short flight journey but we didn’t really plan about it and I didn’t wanna ask if he still wants me there. Initially he also said he might be back this coming week but knowing him, he might stay away for longer. I don’t want to be texting him, someone who is basically still a a stranger to me, for two to three weeks not knowing when we’ll see each other again. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 I think all of the female posters here playing it too cool! I’m going to answer your question at my most honest! If I’m seeing a guy for a month and he’s going on holiday! Given both are serious about this relationship even though exclusivity has not settled yet! I would expect him to text me here and there, send some pics or some updates! Every few days!! I think this is an ideal amount. However, in this situation it's the OP who's going away, so roles are reversed. Would you expect her to text him here and there, send pics and updates every few days? To me, the onus is on the person away - not the gender. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frus69 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Okay a bit update every few days is good for me. And if he doesnt do that...? Link to post Share on other sites
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