clueless

[abbey751]

Hi all. In desperation I've come here because I don't know how to process what is going on. My husband admitted to being addicted to porn. We are Christians and he's promised me he's stopped doing it, that he feels better and has listened attentively to my anger and tears. He is most convincing and sincere!

He says he's ashamed of how he deceived me. I have had to make a decision to believe him or go nuts with suspicion. He always had porn/ dating sites email in his spam, but most people I guess have that happen from time to time.

That changed though 2 weeks ago when I noticed this time there was a username given on one of these emails in spam...it was his initials and a year number one year different from his actual year. When I asked him about it he agreed( meaning he didn't deny) that it must have been a username he made up,'but that was definitely before we were married!" He has denied strongly doing anything like that since we were married ( again very convincingly) But can't explain why they would suddenly start appearing now

Another one came a few days later, then tonight a third one...they say, " chat with singles that browsed you"

I have tried to track them down, but they only lead to explicit porn sites. I've tried to logon to porn sites with his username/email address, but found no matches.

This is tearing me apart. It is naive question, but is it possible there is no basis to my fears. I can't talk to anyone I know and have come here, just to express my hurt and maybe get some idea of what to do.

Edited January 26, 2019 by abbey751
adding more details for explaination

[salparadise]

I'd say the first thing is to stay calm and do not overreact. Most men look at porn at least occasionally, and most people don't think of it as inherently evil. The fact that you pointed out that you are Christians in a certain context tells me that you probably have some rigid notions about porn, and perhaps sexuality too. So the first thing is to try and moderate your reaction and don't be too judgmental.

 

If it's an addiction, as in he's spending inordinate amounts of time or money on porn then that's a different issue and needs to be addressed. Or if it's interfering with your sex life such that he prefers porn over actual sex, yea, that would be a problem you need to address. And if he's actually on dating sites interacting with actual women or trying to meet them in person, that's yet another issue. So sort it out using these distinctions and figure out exactly what you're dealing with.

 

If your sex life is good and he's not trying to meet up with other women, then I'd say it's not such a huge problem that it can't be dealt with. If it's the more extreme behaviors then it's going to be difficult, and you may have to face difficult choices.

 

So two questions for you... how is your sex life with him, and do you have evidence that he is actually trying to contact or meet other women?

[FMW]

Have you always had access to his email so that you know he wasn't receiving these types of emails previously (meaning these are just more of the same from past activity not proof of current activity)?

 

My xH was also addicted to porn. It was the first step in a long slide into other activities that were detrimental to the marriage. That's not always the case, sometimes porn is just something guys like and it goes no further.

 

But clearly this is a big issue for you. I can relate, almost 20 years later I remember how I felt when I discovered my xH's habit. I can still feel the sick feeling in my stomach.

 

Addictions of any type, including porn, can be very difficult to overcome. The addicted person rarely can just go cold turkey and stop. Maybe you should discuss him having counseling for the addiction.

[Mr. Lucky]

When I asked him about it he agreed( meaning he didn't deny) that it must have been a username he made up,'but that was definitely before we were married!" He has denied strongly doing anything like that since we were married ( again very convincingly)

 

A little confused on your timeline. Had you thought he'd had nothing to do with porn since you'd been married? And how long is that?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

abbey,

Addiction to porn is like any other addiction, in that the individual won't change when they are in denial.

 

 

I would seek advice from your priest/vicar/minister of religion.

 

 

Sorry I can't be of more help.

 

 

x