GraceAndJoy Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I am a divorced woman in my early 50s who has just limited experience with dating relationships (just under 2 years out of a 25-year marriage that ended by my exH's infidelity). I recently met a man on OLD (3 years younger) and he is a really great guy, but a few things seem out of the ordinary to me. He texts constantly. I mean, every day, all day. Just saying hello, asking how my meeting went, following up on information we talked about earlier, etc. I started to get good morning and good night texts within a few days of meeting online. On our 2nd date, he told me he was taking down his OLD profile! He said I did not need to take mine down, so I said okay, I'm fine with you taking yours down, thank you for telling me, communication about where we are at is important. In other words, I didn't tell him I would take mine down too. ( I finally took mine down four dates later because I did start to prefer him to any other options I was seeing online.) When I tell him I am driving far for something (like over 30 minutes), he asks me to please text him when I arrive safely. I am not used to this kind of care/attention. Is this normal? I am not driving in inclement weather or anything. But part of me thinks it is sweet...he cares about me and wants to know I'm safe. He does like to see me a lot and I think if I wasn't so busy he would see me every day he could (when he doesn't have possession of his daughter). I have my child full-time so I only agree to see him when it is practical to arrange...which means we have seen each other 6 times in 3 weeks. The longest date was 9 hours. No overnights because I have a teenage daughter at home who would notice! In many ways, he is my dream guy. He is very affectionate, kind, intelligent, has a good job, has strong faith like me, is family-oriented, and wants an LTR like me. I am very attracted to him and we both agreed not to rush the physical but it's getting difficult because we're both pretty affectionate and feeling closer all the time. Perfect!! But part of me is asking, is he too needy? Is he showing signs of being controlling? Or is he just lonely and he's attaching so strongly because we are so well suited for one another? He is 2.5 years out from a 9 year marriage. And if this matters, he was born and raised on the East Coast but his parents are immigrants from Latin America. Also, I think he shows signs of being this way in other areas of his life. For example, this week his daughter left her homework at his house and he drove from work one hour to retrieve it, bring it to the school, and then back to work one hour, just to show her (his words) "she can rely on me." When I questioned the soundness of this decision to rescue his daughter and miss two hours of work, he told me he would do the same for my child or for me if we needed him to. (He said he was not missed at work that two hours.) So everytime I get that ping on my phone (dozens of times a day), I ask myself... is this a keeper? Or should I be concerned?
Morello Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Great example of how 'too much' kills attraction. You don't know where the bad part is coming from (because you rationally think the more he does the better partner he is) but deep inside you know there's something wrong...
Insoc Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 He is "clingy" and has insecurity issues, I know because that guy was me, I too came out of a LTR/marriage, I'm 50 and new to OLD, I have been dating locally and a few LDR, aside from the local, I found myself being like this with the LDR, because texting just sucks and several I met live by texting, called as well but texted way too much. I totally new to dating, especially OLD, but I'm not texting like that, if I don't hear from someone now, I don't text, I make myself unavailable now, I will message but I won't keep doing it unless I'm in a conversation with someone. You might want to be upfront and tell him he has nothing to worry about and to chill, if you ghost this guy he is only going to get worse and may go postal on you if he feels you are ignoring him, this is one issue with texting. Communication is very important, but when one person is overbearing and on you like this, it's too much. You need to address it face to face and tell him not to worry.
Highndry Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I really don't get how some people don't understand moderation. It reminds me of the post on here where some gal's boyfriend would follow her into another room every couple minutes to check on her, make sure she's ok. Huh? Smothering a woman is a good way to smother and end the whole thing, kind of like throwing a blanket on a small camp fire you were hoping to build. I think you should say something as far as the texts and things go. Maybe let him know that you are feeling just a bit, well, smothered!
TheFinalWord Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 This poor guy thinks that these beta behaviors are going to attract you. I used to be like this, and eventually it will repel you because you are going to feel trapped, before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. It's normal, beta male behavior. However, it's not attractive to women from a guy they barely know.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 His behaviour would absolutely leave me feeling smothered. It is too early to determine if this is fueled by insecurity, or a desire to a control, or some combination of both; however, it would turn me off. I have dated a man like this and it didn't work out, because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like he was my dad hovering over me or something. When he messages you throughout the day, do you always respond right away?
Highndry Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 The lyrics of this old 80s song always come to mind: "...And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago (Who told me) Just hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling to tightly You're gonna lose control Your baby needs someone to believe in And a whole lot of space to breathe in..." Truer words were never spoken. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I think it's who he is. In your shoes I would feel smothered not cared for I think his intentions may be good. Before ending this all together talk to him. Tell him that you appreciate the attention but too much of a good thing is bad. Ask him to dial it back. If he complies, great. If he continues well then you know he's not going to change. 1
Grey40 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 It’s hard when you’ve dated someone for so long to know how to get a relationship started again from scratch. He’s used to a married relationship where you talk all day long back and forth. If you’re interested just tell him that you like him but that you just can’t do the constant texting all day yet and he’s gotta let it breathe. 2
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I agree with a previous poster. This is who he is, and it probably won't change. I'd feel this was all way too fast from someone. Taking down the profile after the 2nd date is a lot. I'd be worried he's prone to impulsive decisions with regards to dating and relationships, because it seems very premature to lock down to one person when you barely know them. Some people don't like to multi-date, so that maybe his way of saying that. However, it just seems like one of many reasons why you can call this 0-60 in no time at all. The whole checking in after only 30min drives is also a bit much. I'd feel more respected if someone trusted me to be the adult that I am. Like mentioned before in this thread, it's easy to feel smothered with this. Do have the talk with him about things that concern you. If he's pedal to the metal on making this a serious exclusive relationship in no time, then it's best he knows how you feel about certain things.
Wallysbears Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 This guy is smothering. I couldn't deal with it.
JuneL Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Did you take your time in responding to him? What did you say when he told you to text him you’re safe after the 30-min drive? I would just brush it off with: “Haha, I’m not a kid ;-)”
PRW Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Is he needy or controlling or just lonely and attaching quickly?Needy, lonely, and attaching too quickly would be it. He is probably not controlling in general, but the other three things will make guys latch on and hang on for dear life,...which ends up becoming controlling. Guys who "can't get the girl" will get like this. It happens to young an old alike. The young do it out of lack of practice and experience. The older do it because they are getting older, feel like they are running out of time, and are desperate. Guys who were married for a long time do it because the last time they dated was a few generations ago and they have completely lost touch with the dating dynamics. So there are multiple causes behind it, but the end result is the same either way.
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 If you find this too much of a problem then tell him. Now it's not unusual for people to text a lot...it's a modern age and some people just can't put their phone down. BUT communication is key setting boundaries and expectations with any new relationship. Try and work this out first if you find everything else is great. 1
Author GraceAndJoy Posted January 25, 2019 Author Posted January 25, 2019 Did you take your time in responding to him? What did you say when he told you to text him you’re safe after the 30-min drive? I would just brush it off with: “Haha, I’m not a kid ;-)” I usually take my time in responding to his texts unless we're actively in a conversation. Sometimes I respond after 5 minutes. Sometimes it's an hour. Once I was binge watching Netflix with my daughter and he texted a couple times with non-important stuff. I texted him that I was watching TV and would get back with him later (simply because I knew how he is). He responded that was no problem and he appreciated being told why I wasn't answering. I don't think a person should always have to explain why they aren't responding to texts though (unless they need to be/promised to be, etc). I don't do that with my friends and family. So kind of weird. I have been texting him when I arrive at my destinations after long drives. I think it is only courteous if someone is worried about you and asks you to let them know you are safe. But it did feel odd. My ex-husband never worried about my well-being like that, but then again he was cheating on me at the end, so maybe I don't know what's normal. I should point out that he's a single dad to a tween girl,so I think he's often in "protective" mode and maybe that translates to all females he feels affection for...?
Author GraceAndJoy Posted January 25, 2019 Author Posted January 25, 2019 If you find this too much of a problem then tell him. Now it's not unusual for people to text a lot...it's a modern age and some people just can't put their phone down. BUT communication is key setting boundaries and expectations with any new relationship. Try and work this out first if you find everything else is great. I am seeing him tonight and will talk to him about it. Everyone here is right--I just need to be open and honest about how I feel. I was just worried whether these were signs of a potentially controlling man, but I do think that will show in time...it's too early to know right now. Everything else IS great, so I don't want to make more out of this than it is. It feels good to get positive attention after the infidelity and painful divorce, and he's a good guy. Just a little insecure I think. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 Enjoy it but just keep your eyes open. First sign of "not okay" just stick to your boundaries/deal breakers and shut it down accordingly. The only test of these men that give a great start is time. I too got a guy on my hands that's all crazy about me but I been here many time before. Six months of continual treating me right I would start to believe the guy is a keeper. A year of continual treating me right then (and only then) I would be impressed. Two years of continual treating me right I'm looking for my ring lol. So let time reveal who he really is. Good luck!
preraph Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 Here, do this: You don't have to decide on anything yet. Don't agree to exclusivity if you're unsure. Just don't let him push things forward. Just hold the line, keep your boundaries. You can't possibly know the answer to the question you asked because it's TOO SOON. Dating is for the purpose of getting to know someone. You don't commit to a relationship until you've dated awhile and know the guy well enough to think he at least might be a keeper. This could go either way. Maybe he's looking for someone to go get his kid's homework instead of him, who knows. You never know. Just tell him not to get in a fizz, tell him to stop texting all the time because it's distracting you and taking up time you don't have, and set some rules about that. Like no texting when each other is at work - or at least don't expect a text back until lunch or after work. Don't let him crowd you like that. Yes, it does sound controlling texting that much and very immature, IMO. What adult with kids and a job has time for that? Does he just screw off at work all the time and take off at any excuse? Is he even going to be a person who can keep a job? It does say something about him. But just slow down and slow him down on the communication with an honest conversation and make him respect your wishes on it, or come to a compromise, whatever. That alone will tell you what he's made of a little bit. He may sull up and get angry (control). He may automatically think you're breaking up with him (insecure). He may tell you you don't get to tell him what to do ,or he might react well and say, Sure, that's fine. Don't make any commitments with him until you know him better.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 He is definitely attaching way too quickly ... and we have reason to feel uncomfortable or even pushed away--smothered someone said--by this quick connection. He could be a jerk who is going out of his way to hide it at first. He could be controlling as he wants all in your life. I would absolutely hit pause and stop with someone texting me all the time before things got really serious. Asking about meetings and all of that ... how come he's not focused on his own life? Beware of people who don't seem to be deeply involved in their own lives ... And yes, he seems needy ... and also creepy ... and a bit like he's objectifying you ... You aren't just the person he is getting to know to find out if you guys would be a good match. Rather, you're a woman and you had a good date and therefore you ARE the right person for him. He's plugged you into a formula for a relationship. The stuff about his daughter--that should emerge quietly ... without him telling you that. Relationships ideally move at a pace that is comfortable and safe for both partners ... and my view, even if a cultural tradition is relevant, never make an allowance for that this early in a relationship.
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 If it doesn't make you feel trapped then everything is dandy. You cannot tell at this point if a man will turn controlling or manipulative, you simply enjoy and observe. My boyfriend was a super gentleman when I met him. He also checked on me when I drove somewhere. He drove long distance through traffic to spend only moments with me. He would not let me lift 1 bag, I'd walk next to him with only my purse when he carried 6-7 grocery bags! You know what? We've been dating 3 + years and he is STILL the exact same gentleman he was back then. It's just who he is. He has a very strong sense of togetherness and he wants me by his side as much as possible because he enjoys it. It's different than being cligny.
Art_Critic Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 He seems like he is love bombing you some thinking that is what you want, to be swept off your feet.. It doesn't mean he isn't sincere however, just maybe pouring it on a little too much. If this isn't what you want then discuss slowing down some.. you did say communication is great... and keep your eyes open to your discussing things with him, if there is anything coming out that would be a prime time to have your eyes open. BTW, having this type of interest isn't always a bad thing..
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 And if this matters, he was born and raised on the East Coast but his parents are immigrants from Latin America. Yes it matters. He's from a culture where men aren't afraid of showing their interest, attraction, feelings and devotion to their gf. Understand your cultural differences. Take him the way he is.
Author GraceAndJoy Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 My boyfriend was a super gentleman when I met him. He also checked on me when I drove somewhere. He drove long distance through traffic to spend only moments with me. He would not let me lift 1 bag, I'd walk next to him with only my purse when he carried 6-7 grocery bags! You know what? We've been dating 3 + years and he is STILL the exact same gentleman he was back then. It's just who he is. He has a very strong sense of togetherness and he wants me by his side as much as possible because he enjoys it. It's different than being cligny. Yes he does all these things. He positions himself when we are walking on the street so that he is on the traffic side! I never had a guy do that. He opens doors, carries things, etc. I know it's early and time will tell if this is just for show to make me fall fast.
Author GraceAndJoy Posted January 27, 2019 Author Posted January 27, 2019 He seems like he is love bombing you some thinking that is what you want, to be swept off your feet.. It doesn't mean he isn't sincere however, just maybe pouring it on a little too much. If this isn't what you want then discuss slowing down some.. you did say communication is great... and keep your eyes open to your discussing things with him, if there is anything coming out that would be a prime time to have your eyes open. BTW, having this type of interest isn't always a bad thing.. It is refreshing to have him show avid interest after dealing with OLD daters who are multi-dating and leave me never knowing where I stand. I talked to him today about how I was surprised how he took down his profile so fast (during our second date). He said it wasn't because he knew I was "the one", but because he doesn't like to focus on more than one person at a time. He says he can't be browsing other profiles while nurturing a potential relationship. Sounded reasonable! 1
Lotsgoingon Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 That answer DOES sound reasonable ... but keep your radar up anyway! He could have a good answer ... AND there could be a clingy or controlling side to him. You can hold both thoughts in mind as you go forward.
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