bloodreaper Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year. In the first couple months we were together, we didn't have any problems besides one: her male friend. He would call her at 1am, snap her in the at like 4am shirtless (she wouldn't respond, at least not when I was there), she'd call him on her way home from my house when it's late bcz he stays up late, and they'd go have lunch. I became overly jealous and all our fights were because of him. She'd always say he was just a friend. When I asked her about whether they have a history or not, she always denied any. So I thought I was just reading too much into it. When we'd go bowling the 3 of us and 4 other girls, my girlfriend would talk to him more than me. The night that made me really suspicious was at a birthday party in Texas of a mutual friend. We went there and he was there, SHIRTLESS. The whole time she was talking to him, she was playing with her hair, laughing like i've never seen before, and basically just showing all the signs women in love show. Anyway, that night, I found out they were friends with benefits a while before we met. I didn't take it very well. After a few days of hell, we talked it through and she said she was very ashamed of her past and didn't want me knowing about it because she didn't want to lose me. She apologized for not cutting him off and she finally did. She did everything in her power to make it up to me and there's nothing more she can do. However, I find myself 8 months later still struggling with trust issues after that incident. Everyone keep in mind that all that stuff happened within the first 3 months. There has been no problems after that and she's been understanding and apologetic ever since. FYI, she's known him for 6 years before me. My question, after all this, is am I over-reacting? I'm always worrying whether she's lying to me about something and I know this is not healthy for the relationship, at all. I can't help it. Should I end the relationship due to this or should I try to get over this and just understand that she just wasn't ready to completely get him out of her life when she barely knew me for 3 months and known him for years. Sorry for the long paragraph.
Garcon1986 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Women typically do this for some common reasons - they aren't emotionally over their ex, or they are disappointed in your manliness in some way or another. Expressing your insecurity to her will create a paradoxical response - she will likely float more towards her FWB than you, because she thinks that man is more manly. Women are attracted to whomever can give the highest degree of manliness. I suggest you leave the both of them - the most powerful negotiating position is being ready to leave and also MEANING it. You should find another girlfriend where you can express absolute manliness, and being secure in your own skin - this will greatly reduce the chances of your new lady cheating. It's extremely difficult to dig yourself out of this situation; your lady will never stop cheating on you because she doesn't trust you to be totally in your emotional Center. The way to demonstrate to her that you are truly in your emotional center, is to pass all her poop tests. Such as - if she starts to hint at you that she is shopping for other men, you tell her that she should always shop for a great bargain - and challenge her to find a better man AND HAVE THE GOODS to show you are the better man. The unsexy alternative is to become insecure and start a fight. 1
Highndry Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 My guess is she wanted more from this guy and he was more into the FWB thing. Women/men always want what they can't have. Going back to that time 8 months ago, he probably could have taken her away from you if he wanted. The fact that she's now cut contact with him (if she indeed has), is a great sign for your relationship. However, it's not a good sign that you can't get over that. Something to realize is that early on in any relationship, it's not yet stable. Many men and women are sleeping with somebody else, or are just cutting ties, as unfortunate as that may be. 3 months time isn't long enough to develop a strong bond with somebody, and she's known that guy 6 years. I think the answer here is you either need to get over this or set her free, because nothing good can come of it if you continue to ruminate over things. If you are sure she has severed all ties with him, you shouldn't have anything to worry about anymore. She showed you she was dedicated to you. Why are you not accepting that? 1
Author bloodreaper Posted January 25, 2019 Author Posted January 25, 2019 Thank you for replying. I completely agree with you about everything you've stated. One thing that bothers me, and I forgot to mention this in the original post, is that he tried to sleep with her at the beginning of our relationship while WE were dating. I didn't know this until recently when I brought it up. According to her, she turned him down and told him that she loves me and is happy with me now. I told her straight up that I believe she was trying to have the two of us in her life just in case one of us doesn't work out. He was her side dude, and she didn't deny it. She apologized and said that was the biggest mistake of her life, what she did with him in the past and not cutting him off when we got together. I just feel disrespected that she brought him under my roof (when I didn't know any of that) and kept talking to him when she knew his intentions was to sleep with her. And, like you said, she probably wanted him but she knew he didn't want anything serious with her so she picked me and cut him out of her life. What if another man like him comes along that actually wants her? What happens then? It just makes me feel inadequate, as if she just settled down for somebody that wanted her, not the opposite.
Garcon1986 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Then you have to sort out what the other man had that you didn't have, and step up to bat. She will continue to cheat on you and then run back and apologize, if you don't learn from the scenario and be a manlier man. Every married person is attracted to people other than their partner, but they don't act on it. If she acted on it, she is unsatisfied in some way with you. I challenge you to brainstorm ways to become a better man. There's a difference between loving someone for who they are, and periodically challenging yourself to be better. 1
Highndry Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 And, like you said, she probably wanted him but she knew he didn't want anything serious with her so she picked me and cut him out of her life. What if another man like him comes along that actually wants her? What happens then? It just makes me feel inadequate, as if she just settled down for somebody that wanted her, not the opposite. She has shown you that she loves you. It's a great sign she cut the cord on him. Don't worry about what-ifs. There's always going to be a better looking dude out there. That's life. All you can do is your best and let the chips fall as they may. Don't end the relationship because you're feeling insecure, like she settled for you. Realize that you are a better guy than he is, and that's why she's with you and not him. Look at things the right way. 1
Author bloodreaper Posted January 25, 2019 Author Posted January 25, 2019 Thank you guys for your responses. I've been having similar thoughts lately and been trying to work on my trust problem. She knows about it and is very understanding & patient with me. Your responses surely helped. I appreciate it a lot fellas. Moral of the story is I cannot live life worried of what might happen. My biggest worry was getting hurt but no matter what I do with any girl, if she wants to cheat, she will. I'll just do my best at being a good man, improve myself, and keep her happy.
doyathinkso Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I fear that you are not out of the woods quite yet. You have told us contradictory elements to the situation. "I found out they were friends with benefits a while before we met." "at a birthday party in Texas of a mutual friend. We went there and he was there, SHIRTLESS. The whole time she was talking to him, she was playing with her hair, laughing like i've never seen before, and basically just showing all the signs women in love show." "they were friends with benefits a while before we met." "He was her side dude, and she didn't deny it. She apologized and said that was the biggest mistake of her life, what she did with him in the past and not cutting him off when we got together. I just feel disrespected that she brought him under my roof (when I didn't know any of that) and kept talking to him when she knew his intentions was to sleep with her." He wanted to keep it FWB. She wanted more and is using you to make him jealous. Dollars to doughnuts she is still talking to him on the down low. You seem like too trusting a guy, one who it's easy to keep secrets from. She still wants Mr. Chesty. Do not make any commitments to this girl. She will only disappoint you.
Grey40 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I think you should end this and move on. Even if she is now being 100% loyal you’re always going to question and wonder, and you’re always going to be worried this situation will happen again with her. It’s nkt easy I know, but if you can start fresh with someone new that you can trust from the beginning you’ll be much happier. Staying with this woman is just gonna stress you the hell out. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 She should not have lied about it. But here's the thing: they were friends & still are. They had the chance to date before you but chose to only be FWB. If she wanted a relationship with him, she's still be in one. Instead she chose you. It's not ideal because of the lying & her flirty behavior doesn't help. Only you know if it's break up worthy. Do what allows you to be true to yourself. You really can't date somebody you don't trust.
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 She lied because she didn't want to scare you away. She really did want to move on with you. The problem was, she couldn't shake off her feelings for him at that time. Him, he was jealous and trying to break you two up. He knew then she was still into him, and wanted that control he had on her back. She was stuck choosing between you two. With you stepping up and pointing out the obvious, it snapped her out of it. She knew she didn't have a future with that guy, and that is why she is still with you, and did everything to remove this guy out of her life. IMO you are OK, nothing to worry about. 1
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 You two had a rocky start, but that's not all together uncommon. A lot of times people transition into a relationship while on the tail end of something else like FWB. They might have a hard time severing ties or understanding appropriate boundaries at first. You addressed your concerns and how you felt about it. She lied, but eventually came round to taking responsibility with cutting him out. Completely understandable you still feel uncertain about it. However, try to give her opportunity to make a mistake, and learn from it. 1
Juha Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 This woman does not seem trustworthy at all and a game player princess wanting to have her cake and eat it too. You did not respect yourself at all putting up with her behavior and lying to you on top of it all. This woman is not gf material, you should have dumper her long ago when you found out the truth. She obviously had/has a thing for this guy. The damage has been done and maybe she has done the right thing and is good now but you can't get over it and what she did will always be in the back of your mind. This relationship has been tainted and ruined by your gf and her shadiness. The only thing I can see you doing now is DUMP this woman and find a trustworthy, honest woman to date. Respect yourself and move on like you should have already.. I wish you the best 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 See I would leave a dude if A) he has a female friend And I don't like how they interact and I told him yet he choose to continue interacting with her in a way I don't like Or B) I found out the female friend likes him or tries to have sex with him and yet he continued to hang out with her Both instances happened to you. And she lied about it? I mean even though she did let him go she waited till after you had multiple fights and finding out he was a FWB in the past and then lied. She should have let him go when you first expressed a problem smh. And honestly you should have let her go when she first expressed resistance in response to you bringing it to her attention. I say cut her loose. You want a girl who prioritize your feelings and don't make you unecessarily jealous cause this sh*t really was unnecessary. 1
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