jarob Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Hey all, Interested in seeing what you have to say regarding an ex girlfriend of mine recently telling me that we will never be getting back together, she doesn't love me anymore, she feels no attraction, and she has already been going on dates with another guy. I have accepted and made peace with the situation, but, how likely is it that she will reach out? I will be going on a date with a girl in a few days, so I'm reacting to the break up well. All I'm saying is that I like to have options. We were rocky for about a month and we have been broken up for about 2 weeks. There is a possibility she cheated on me with that same guy, but I cannot prove it. We started having issues when she met that guy. If she cheated then clearly I will never go back, but how often do women go cold to hot? I was needy in the relationship and I was a beta male. I am working on what I need to work on for myself. A few days ago I texted her a rude message that was true regarding the cheating(I think even though she never admitted it) and blocked and deleted her number. I will probably reach out and apologize tonight. I want to have a alpha male, not care personality. Thoughts would be appreciated! Thanks
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Hey all, Interested in seeing what you have to say regarding an ex girlfriend of mine recently telling me that we will never be getting back together, she doesn't love me anymore, she feels no attraction, and she has already been going on dates with another guy. That all sounds pretty clear to me. She is done with you. She met the other guy, she preferred the other guy and broke up with you. So why do you think she is going to reach out to you? 1
Normm Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 I will be going on a date with a girl in a few days, so I'm reacting to the break up well. The conclusion isn't supported by the premise. 2
Highndry Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Interested in seeing what you have to say regarding an ex girlfriend of mine recently telling me that we will never be getting back together, she doesn't love me anymore, she feels no attraction, and she has already been going on dates with another guy.I'm not sure how much more clear this woman could have been with you. What are you not seeing? I want to have a alpha male, not care personality. But that's not you. Alpha males are born and bred, not practiced. All of these guys with a Corey Wayne or whatever book in their back pocket are pretenders. You are what you are. Edited January 25, 2019 by Highndry 2
Marc878 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Living on hopium when the facts hit you in the face won't get you much 2
Blanco Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 You're kind of all over the place, which is OK, given that the breakup is still fresh. What you need to be doing right now is not worrying about quickly moving on. Accept that this hurts and allow yourself to feel it. Don't mask the hurt with distractions like other women. You don't sound at all ready to date, and it seems like you attempting to do so is a response to her already dating. Hey all, Interested in seeing what you have to say regarding an ex girlfriend of mine recently telling me that we will never be getting back together, she doesn't love me anymore, she feels no attraction, and she has already been going on dates with another guy. This probably wasn't easy to hear, but she did you a favor by being so cut and dry. Maybe she'll soften this stance in time, but for now, she has made it clear that the relationship is over and not capable of being revived. If this is true, then it's better she said this rather than be wishy-washy in an attempt to spare your feelings. I have accepted and made peace with the situation, but, how likely is it that she will reach out? I will be going on a date with a girl in a few days, so I'm reacting to the break up well. All I'm saying is that I like to have options. But you haven't accepted and made peace with the situation if you're still viewing your ex as an option. "I don't want to date you and I'm not attracted to you" effectively removes her as a romantic option. We were rocky for about a month and we have been broken up for about 2 weeks. There is a possibility she cheated on me with that same guy, but I cannot prove it. We started having issues when she met that guy. If she cheated then clearly I will never go back, but how often do women go cold to hot ... A few days ago I texted her a rude message that was true regarding the cheating(I think even though she never admitted it) and blocked and deleted her number. You say yourself you can't prove she cheated, so you can't really say the message you sent was "true." I was needy in the relationship and I was a beta male. I am working on what I need to work on for myself. ... I will probably reach out and apologize tonight. I want to have a alpha male, not care personality. The alpha/beta thing is often used in an eye-roll-inducing way, but when I think of a true alpha, I think of someone who's capable of responding rather than reacting to situations. Given that you can't prove she cheated, your admittedly rude text message was certainly reacting to the situation. Now, I'm not saying it's weak behavior to apologize, but I do think you can't really do damage control with what you said. To swing from one extreme to the other over a period of a few days is going to make you look bad. And honestly, I doubt an apology from you is going to have the desired effect you're hoping for at this point. To sum it up, it's OK you're feeling hurt by all this, but drop the facade of trying to look more "alpha" to her. Use this as a chance for introspection and a chance for growth in future relationships rather than trying to impress your ex with how much you've supposedly changed in a few weeks. 1
preraph Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 You don't tell a man you're not attracted to them anymore if you have ANY remotest desire to get back together with them. She is done. Sorry. She has a brain and she made it VERY plain. Glad you have a date lined up. Keeping busy is important. Don't contact her anymore. It will just be humiliating for you. 3
Beachead Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Hey OP, I'm going to be a bit blunt with you. I apologize in advance if it sounds harsh. It's not my intention. I'll start with this; forget this Alpha and Beta nonsense. I know where you're getting those ideas from, I've been there as well because I use to be a consumer of it. Without enough life experience and perspective, you won't be able to make proper sense of any of it and all that stuff that they preach is going to feel forced and unnatural because that's not who you are. It's far more beneficial for you right now to let yourself be as you are and know that it's perfectly okay. It's only been 2 weeks since the break up. You have accepted anything yet and you're certainly not at peace yet which is why you're here, asking about her and this situation. You have hope and you still consider her a possible option. People don't just get over these things in a finger snap. She meant something to you, it sucks, it hurts, and it's going to take awhile to heal. It sounds like you're numbed out and in denial for the moment. If you bs yourself, your road to recovery is going to take much longer and you won't learn a thing from this struggle. I strongly advise you not to not to date right now because of where your head is at. Dating can lead to more. Feelings can arise. You don't have a handle on yourself right now so it's unreasonable for you to expect you can be responsible for someone elses well-being should a new relationship come. If you ignore that, you're likely going to hurt people because you won't be serious. It will also complicate your life when right now it needs to be simplified right now. Regarding her, your need to contact her isn't about feelings or about her best interests as it is more about yourself and your interests. So do not apologize. Do not talk. Do nothing. She doesn't want to talk. She doesn't want to be with you. Give her the silence she wants and let her deal with it. If you keep trying to engage with her, you'll only push her away. You're chasing right now because you're an addict right now looking to get your fix in anyway you can. That's what this is all about. Block her off of social media. Delete pictures of you and her and delete her number and all phone and messaging history off of your phone so you don't have to stumble upon any of it. Bag all memories of her and move it out of your sight. You're going to feel extremely tempted to contact her but don't succumb to it..it's going to pass with time. Talk to people on here instead whenever you get that itch. Don't date, try to understand yourself and cut this girl out and go completely radio silent. This is your first step..it will be an extremely challenging one. - Beach Edited January 25, 2019 by Beachead
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 It is very unlikely you two will get back together. And you're not reacting to the break-up well, which is perfectly understandable. You wouldn't be posting a thread about your ex while also planning a date if you were handling this well, my friend. You need to at least be honest with yourself here.
Twizzlestick Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) OP Sorry to hear. You’re not alone on this forum . She’s extremely low value posting such graphic material on social media. You really see someone’s dark underbelly during a breakup, or indeed their dignified side. In her case not good! You’ll realise in time someone who gets pleasure out of broadcasting material like that to the world isn’t someone you want in your life. I’d say you’re in denial. It takes a while to get out of. You won’t be near to accepting of the situation despite what you say. Unless you had no feelings to her that’l be impossible. Acceptance in the process comes last. You’re in denial stage. Stages take time to get through. But being honest with where you’re at can help you feel some ownership of terrible pain. If it were personally me, id cancel the date. No good will come of it. Your motives are probably invested somewhere unproductive, like creating envy. I’d firmly work hard to forget her at the moment. If you can’t quite sell that to yourself just say “she’s not going anywhere, she’s already done the worst”. Even if reconciliation were your motive, you stand zero chance whilst she’s feathering her little nest with mr genitals on legs. The only way is no contact and moving forward for yourself. Both to stand a chance but more importantly, recover and get over her. I’d say you need to forget reconciliation as it is and you’ll likely find after Time you won’t want to touch her with a barge pole once you grow and change. Forget alpha/beta. Nice in principle but in real life it’s a lot of tosh. Trust me, I’m a normally strong man, have travelled the globe, in and out of war zones and seen some things in life and relationships cracking down break me. Every Male looks beta after a breakup. You can project an image but it’s a falsity. Beating yourself about the head telling yourself you’re a “beta” is just as unproductive as going on these dates. People tend to blame shift when dumping. Dumpees, wracked with remorse tend to soak up all the guilt. It’s an Imbalance and regardless of sex/colour/creed every dumpee who loves feels lower than a cockroach in some way. You’re not beta or any of this pejorative nonsense, you’re a normal person undergoing a lot of pain at the hands of someone who clearly is not the best judge of behaviour herself. You’ll focus on yourself eventually and come back. If anything were close to being “alpha” then that is it. Edited January 25, 2019 by Twizzlestick
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 She’s extremely low value posting such graphic material on social media. What graphic material did she post on social media? 1
Twizzlestick Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) What graphic material did she post on social media? I did a double take. Quite right. I’m getting my stories mixed up (ex jealous through social media thread) My heads off kilter. OP . My sincere apologies! please ignore my references to graphic material as that’s my mistake and I attached that detail to your story by mistake in my reply. Edited January 25, 2019 by Twizzlestick
Sgthaytham Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 That all sounds pretty clear to me. She is done with you. She met the other guy, she preferred the other guy and broke up with you. So why do you think she is going to reach out to you? If OP keeps his cool and doesn’t contact his ex, I’m ready to bet she’ll be in touch with him once the other guy starts ****ing up.
Sgthaytham Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 You don't tell a man you're not attracted to them anymore if you have ANY remotest desire to get back together with them. She is done. Sorry. She has a brain and she made it VERY plain. Glad you have a date lined up. Keeping busy is important. Don't contact her anymore. It will just be humiliating for you. Women say those kinds of things in the moment. I’m ready to bet that OP will be back here in a week or two because his ex has gotten back in touch.
nolanola Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 So much good advice for you upthread!! Please believe what everyone said about the alpha/beta thing. You have feelings. This is not a crime. Your ex was unnecessarily cruel to you in the breakup, but maybe she was trying to kill off any hope on your part. People say all kinds of crazy things when they're upset and in the midst of a breakup. Once things settle down, she may start to regret what she said or did. Especially, as @Sgthaytham said, if the new guy doesn't work out. The point is, you have to work with the information you have right now. Which is that she is done with your relationship and moving on to a new guy. That hurts. It's ok to be sad, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, whatever. Go ahead and feel it and don't try to cover it up. I agree that it's too soon to date. You run the risk of hurting some innocent woman in the process of trying to prove how over your ex you are. That is real A-hole behavior. Take some time, do other things, spend some time alone, travel if you can (even a day trip somewhere helps to change your surroundings). Set some boundaries. She wants to move on and date someone new? Great! But that means no more you in her life. Don't answer her text messages or calls. I think it's highly likely at some point she may reach out. But you don't want to be someone's fallback person!!! Talk about beta!! Believe that you are a catch and deserve someone that will know that they want to be with you. Achieving this starts with acting like you are a prize. We all struggle with this. We want our exes back so badly that when they throw out a tiny, tiny crumb we pounce on it with joy. But then we get disappointed when, after they realize they still have us, they disappear again. Take the advice upthread. We're all going through this crap together. Read other threads...you'll see how much you have in common with others. It does get better. I'm about 4 months NC I think (have lost count...progress!!). The first month or so was the worst. It still sucks at times, but I also have days where I feel really good. Hang in there.
Blanco Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 Women say those kinds of things in the moment. I’m ready to bet that OP will be back here in a week or two because his ex has gotten back in touch. That doesn't mean she wants to get back with him. Given that the OP wants reconciliation, her reaching out to him and not wanting to get back together does OP no good.
Despr8 Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 Don't beat yourself up bro and don't fall for the whole beta alpha thing. We're only human and honestly speaking alpha males also have problems, just different from other so called betas. I like to think never say never because I've reconnected with people years after a breakup, nothing happened but a little sexual fun. Just keep healing and working on being the better you.
Recommended Posts